Because

Because I started up again with the other blog.

Because things are very new.

Because I live in California now!

Because no one, not even me, thought I'd do it.

Because it's 2013.  It's already February.

Perhaps I will revive this too.

---

Because the world is round, it turns me on.

I'm embarrassed by the first October of this blog. 

There is a most common question for every 5 years of your life.  Here they are as I imagine them, remember them, and then imagine them again:

• 0-5 - What's your name?
• 6-10 - What's your favorite animal/how old are you?
• 11-15 - When is/was your bar/bat mitzvah? (Sorry, only applies to some.)
• 16-20 - Where are you going to college?
• 21-25 - What do you do/where are you working?
• 26-30 - Are you seeing anyone serious/are you engaged/are you married?  (If yes) Where is/was your honeymoon?
• 31-35 - Do you have kids?
• 36-40 - Have you been married/are you divorced?
• 41-45 - How is it being over the hill?
• 46-50 - Is that motorcycle/boob job/car because of your midlife crisis?  (No one says this, they just think it.)
• 50-55 - The age where you could be plus or minus 10 years...
• 56-60 - Are you retired?
• 61-65 - Where did you get your denture creme?
• 66-70 - What community will you live in?
• 71-75 - Where is your plot of land?
• 76-80 - Is your husband/wife still alive?
• 81-85 - What? (Cause you say whatever you want and sometimes people think they heard you wrong because seriously, at this age you don't care anymore.)
• 86-90 - Tell me about 90 years ago?  What was it like before cars flew?
• 91-95 - CAN YOU HEAR ME?
• 96-100 Now that you are (almost) 100, what's the most important thing that happened in the last ~100 years?
• 101-104 - I have to stop.  It doesn't matter.

So do I get nostalgic every year around this time?  I've also had a lot of late October illnesses.  Hey 2017 me, HAAAYYYYYYY!

Hey Mom, there were certain things you said my whole life that were completely true.  "Eat right, sleep right exercise" and "this too shall pass" and "you never know how things will turn out".  I've gotten better at listening to what people say.

What if, as a third layer, I started leaving comments on my post so I saw TWO past debs....

Ok maybe I should tweet now?  I'm kinda doing this so I don't do that though.

I have felt guilty ever since it happened.  Ever since she got bad.

I didn't visit enough.  I probably didn't cry enough, though I've cried and cried.  I didn't help enough or love enough.

Listen 2005 me, you are seriously funny, but also a little aggressive.  I won't tell you to chill cause I know you hate that.  But do.  Nice post on nice guys v. assholes v. pussies.  None of those things have changed.

A lot of these things are the same:


10/2006

It's been over a year since I've written in here.  Over a year since I took even a moment to type my thoughts into words.  I don't even think I've written many thoughts by hand.

I always think of my life in terms of autobiography chapters.  I have ever since I took that autobiography class senior year of high school.  I called it Is It My Genes or My Jeans? I still think that's pretty clever and still fits perfectly to this day.

I wrote about Newport, my dad, players.  And something else I forget.  I always wonder where to start a new chapter.

This time it's pretty obvious.  Moving to LA.  Aside from my Aunt Andrea I'm not sure anyone in my family has lived outside the tri-state area since they came to America.  My grandmother may have said her parents lived in California but I can't recall.

I think I've used this blog as a therapist of sorts for years and years.  But that's off-topic.

Today I went through old photos, put them in date order and put them in a box I'll leave in my grandmother's apartment.  I wonder if/when I will have to come back to get them.

Mom Mom thinks I'm moving at a bad time.  But really, when is it a good time?  This is as good as any.  I'm painfully single here.  My friends' lives seem to be moving in diverging directions from mine.  I'm learning what to hold on to and of what to let go.  Or "who" I should say.

Moving to LA.  My friend Eli, when I texted to ask how it went when he flew his cat across the country (it didn't go very well), said he thought I'd never leave Philly.  I said "that's part of why I'm leaving."  No one thought I'd ever leave, not even me.  Since college I've battled with the side of me that wants to get away (am I running away?) and the side of me that has felt a. scared and b. obligated to stay.  Or am I just getting stronger, finally doing what's best for me?  But haven't I always done what's best for me?  Not really, I think I'm just selfish and feeling remorse for going.

But like I said, there is never a "good time" to pick up and haul ass across the country.  Affairs are never, ever perfect or "in order."  One of the things I've learned throughout time.  Mom Mom is old, my mom is sick.  If I wait, then what?  Maybe I find a relationship here that I cling to instead of venturing out of my cocoon of a city?  Maybe that relationship ends and I spend the rest of my life never having lived outside of my comfort zone?

I can't.  I have to go.  There are too many reasons to go.  The weather, the beach, a hopefully more laid back lifestyle, friends where I go.  Being away from the bad memories and things that make me sad here. 

The wind is howling outside.  There's a hurricane in town, friends.

The only people I've spoken to on the phone today are Mom Mom and my mom.  I've also spoken to my cats.  Do you get why I'm leaving?

Most of what I think now: that's why I'm leaving, as though I have to justify it.  To whom?  Myself?

I have a lot on my plate before I leave.  Today I put spme shoes in a bin and some pictures in a box to make myself feel better.  But I bet that if I do a bit each day it'll work out.  I don't know how this will all work out, but it will.  The thing that I always find comforting is that nothing stays in limbo.  The things I have to do once I get out there - find an apartment that accepts cats, get a car (used Honda Civic, I think), figure out how long it takes to get to work, meet people - I will do those things.  I don't know when or how but they will happen.  Is it possible my anxiety has weaned enough to help me move on?

It's weird having a leaving mindset.  I almost wish I could keep this.  Less worry about the long-term repercussions on things, less scared to let go of certain things.  Less scared in general.

And now, time for one of my favorites: read through old posts on the same day last year, the year before that, the year before that.....

So I really want to blog right now. I'm at work. I'm texting you, dear blog. Your name in my to: field is red with an exclamation point so I'm not sure this will work but I'm giving it a go.

Last night I had a very honest conversation with someone new in my life. They saw me at my most vulnerable and now I feel weird/good/confused. I hate appearing vulnerable but it didn't scare him off. I dunno, there's a lot. A lot I want to write but I don't think its the right time or blog.

Well I think I have strep.  I stayed in last night and couldn't sleep in (after two separate, ridiculous dreams/nightmares), so I decided to upgrade my phone to iOS5.  As I sit here slightly bored I figured I'd check out the old blog and possibly post some updates.  First I did my favorite read-the-same-day-from-the-past thing and I found that right around this day in 2002 was when I had mono.  Pretty silly and unrelated but mildly interesting (at best).

So, updates.

First and foremost, I started a new job!  Left the last one just in the knick of time - my last day there was their last day in Philly before the big (lame) move to KoP.  SEEYA suckas.  Anyway, the new place seems nice, the people are nice, the technology is better and more up-to-date, and overall it's way more well-organized.  It's a lawfirm so go figure.  Still.  I'm still waiting for the first time a lawyer reams me out on the phone, but maybe because I know it will happen it won't be so bad?  Here's to hoping.

Whenever I'm sick I get sad.  I mean, it's pretty obvious that it's in part due to my compromised immune system and my body being worn down, so of course my mood will reflect that.  But there's more.  When I'm sick I want my mommy.  I always feel like an immature child saying it, but then again I often feel like an immature child.  When I was a kid, my mom would pamper and baby me in a way I think everyone should be pampered and babied when they're sick.  She'd check in on me every few hours, take my temperature, bring me water, toast with jelly, soup.  I got sad yesterday because I want to be taken care of in that kind of situation (something that I know is unrealistic and I'm working on my expectations) because I didn't have anyone to take care of me.  I wasn't completely sad; on the one hand I know I only have myself to rely on, that I am self sufficient not only because I have to be but because I can be.  Because really, everyone who can be should be.  Shouldn't they?

As I was laying in bed feeling sad that no one was bringing me soup or staying in with me to watch movies, Randye called.  It was sort of serendipitous (is that even the right word?), and I started to cry as soon as she asked what was wrong. I told her I'm sick and want my mommy, and I got exactly what I needed: an understanding and sympathetic "aww, I know, it's ok" and some mom-advice.  I told her the nurse at my doctor's office had called in a Z pack for me but that she advised me not to take it unless I had a fever.  I told Randye I wanted to take it.  She asked if I'd taken any antibiotics recently and I explained to her how, even when I was sick for a month this winter, my doctor would not prescribe them to me.  So no, I haven't had antibiotics in quite a while.  She said to just take it, and in that moment I felt so relieved.  This was the closest I could get to my mom, and frankly it sufficed.  Randye has known my mom since they were 15, and I have known Randye since I remember.  I used to call her Aunt Randye, so in a way she is family.

As I cried and talked to her on the phone I walked to CVS to get my prescription, and when I got home I felt better.  It's weird how crying makes you feel better.  I guess sometimes you just need to release what you need to release.  It's like a detox for your emotions.  As much as I've always hated crying, I've been trying to embrace the sadness I feel when I feel it and not shy away from it (advice from a couple different areas of my life).  And I think, last night, it worked out.

Does anyone else ever feel alone and weird with their best friends?

Hey blog. Happy Thursday-that-feels-like-a-Friday (probably because of my night last night).

So, to sound like a tween: I stupidly texted Nate last night. I just miss him and have been thinking about him a lot lately. Add in some wine, and there you have it.

Mary, my therapist, made me feel really great yesterday. I read her the nasty email my aunt sent me, told her how I plan on writing a response, and cried. I asked her if there will ever be a time I feel happy, a time when I don't see a little thing that reminds me of my mom or lack of a family that makes me sad on an almost daily basis. She said she wouldn't be in her job if she didn't think it was possible. She asked if it's wrong to be sad when something awful happens. I said no. She said it's ok to be sad (also that I don't express my emotions in a very wide variety of ways). She also told me that I have been dealt cards most people have not, and that it's amazing I've found the strength to somehow deal with it, and deal with it well.

Hearing that for her, for some reason, made me feel better than hearing it from anyone else.

Hey blog! I'm sad.

I think sitting here w/ enough time to think about things is bad for me. My brain is not distracted and challenged, so if I'm not getting my adrenaline going with shopping I have nothing to do but muse over things that make me sad.

Dayglow is this Friday. I am sad because I wish I was going with Nate. I wish we were happy and together.

I wish I didn't have such intense dreams EVERY night. My subconscious does not rest.

I've started having a few dreams that seem so real I wake up confused as to whether they really happened or not.

I think I'll just keep this post going all day and see where it goes. Maybe a new daily thing til I get out of this job.

I feel a lot of things. So many mixed emotions and thoughts.

I prepared part of this blog post on my way home from the gym, but really all it was was random thoughts running through my head:

I'm so sad. I'm sadder than the average person, because of everything that's happened in my life. I have to accept that I've had more hardships than most. I will be sadder than most. That's just how it is.

As I type this I just received an email from my aunt. I can't even get into it. Back to what I was saying.

I had an interview today, and another last Thursday. It feels like I'm making progess on the job front.

But Nate and I have been broken up for a month and I miss him (the good parts). I feel like I will be alone forever. Like no other guy I'd possibly be interested has so much as looked at me since Nate. He was at work today. I heard his voice first. Then I was in the kitchen and saw him go by. We both pretended we didn't see each other, though at one point we made extremely brief eye contact. In my messed up fairy-tale world that will never exist, he will be at work one day, we will lock eyes, and he will gaze at me with a sad and remorseful puppy dog look. He'll call me later, say he's sorry for acting so immature and being a jerk and that things are going to be different. And then we will be happy. I know it won't happen. But it makes me so sad that it won't.

It makes me so sad that huge pieces of what I want and feel I need in my life are missing. But then I feel like I just need to get over it, fake it til I make it, and act happy even if I'm not, because maybe eventually I will be. I don't know.

I think I'm going to start blogging again, though, bc I'm sure other people don't want to hear about my depressing or stupid feelings all the time.

I cried during yoga. During the end of yoga, when you lay down in corpse pose, the position I usually love. I cried. Tears slowly leaked out of the corners of my eyes and rolled down the sides of my temples. It stunk.

I told someone that if I really thought about my life I'd sit around and cry all day.

They asked why I don't.

It's a pretty good question. I guess a lot of people could sit around and cry all day. I'm not the only one with hardships, after all. That's probably just deflecting the answer, though. Maybe it's just because I know that's no way to live? Or just because, eventually we have to keep going. Or because, I don't know, that's no way to live.

I have some other ones but I'm falling asleep at my desk...

I like this bit I wrote about changing, from January 3, 2008:

my aunt says we can change. we really can, if we try.

chris has always said people don't change.

i think i believe my aunt, but it really takes a lot. people don't just change inadvertently in a drastic way. it often takes something, something big, to make a person change. it's different for everyone. for some it may take being in love to truly change. maybe a person would do something for their loved one that they would never have done before. for some it may be falling out of love that makes them change, for others having their heart broken may be the trigger. for still others love may not enough. maybe it's money that motivates them. often, the desire to not be like one's parents can motivate someone to change, as can the desire to have a different path in life than what they foresee for themselves. i wonder if to change it takes something so big that you just crack and you really decide you cannot be the same as you have been. no. reading that sentence over again i can say that people do also change gradually, without noticing it.

i guess there's a difference in the two, though. changing because you want to versus changing inadvertently. the latter takes no effort whatsoever, whereas the former really takes strength, determination, and the ability to realize what it is you need or want to change. some people are too lazy or too immature to change, and this is where chris is right. there are also those who are arrogant, cocky and self-absorbed, who are too high up on the pedestal on which they put themselves to ever believe they need to change. but there are those who, whether accidentally or on purpose, see past themselves, see past the way things have been, the way theyhave been, and want to strive to grow. it's these people that really have to commit to being what they want to be and not what they are. i guess the steps are:

1. acknowledging you need to change
2. realizing exactly what it is you want to change
3. committing to changing
4. figuring out how to change yourself
5. doing it

*****

Most importantly, I have to find my niche. Or get a hobby, like join a choir or something.

I realized today that I am afraid of people getting mad at me. I need to figure out why this is.

I will take this time to try to do a quick review of 2010:

• Started the year unemployed
• Job interview, got job, started Jan 25, contracted
• Started ankle rehab
• Briefly belonged to the Bellevue
• Concerts: Beatles Rain, Pink Floyd Experience, Muse, Coachella, The Rescues, Blitzen Trapper, Silversun Pickups, The Arcade Fire (and the end of Spoon), The xx, Ratatat, Sufjan Stevens, The Machine
• Trips: Poconos (Feb), LA/Indio CA (April), LA (May), Israel (July), AC (Nov), Vegas (Dec)
• Paid out the butt to file my taxes (do not do this again)
• Erin express two weekends in a row
• Holidays at the Krols: Passover, Rosh Hashana?, Yom Kippur, Thanksgiving
• Finally got a new license!
• Went to some Phillies games
• Did Race For The Cure
• Many day trips to the beach, some overnight
• Hired full time
• Found a phone on PATCO and returned it
• Alena's graduation party
• Becky moved out, awesome subletters who fixed my bike and whose cats Shadow loved
• Birthright
• Moved to my own apartment (even bargained $25/mo off the rent!)
• Bethlehem Musikfest
• Flugtag on Labor Day
• Kickball with Birthright friends
• Blocktoberfest
• Housewarming party
• Clothing swap!
• TERRIBLE BACK INJURY!!!! Herniated disc. Awful and debilitating
• Physical therapy for my back
• The Machine (totally noteworthy/repeat-worthy)
• New TV
• Nate :)

OMG BLOG!!!! I just remembered, I started you in 2001!!! It's our ten year anniversary! Thanks for always listening when I need to vent, whine, complain, be sappy, or just talk. You're just the best. Ah crap. I started you in 2002. My b. Well, I still appreciate and love you just the same.

wow, i haven't blogged in months. twice in one day?! geez.

i really think i must do a year-in-review for 2010. why does it feel like more stuff happens every year than what happened the year before? yet somehow they seem to be going by more quickly every year. i usually don't make new years resolutions, but this year i am. maybe "goals" is a better word. here are some of them:

- get back to the gym (typical). i stopped going regularly when i hurt my back (slip disc, let's save that for the year-in-review, if it ever comes...

- look for new jobs

- i forget, but there was more. i'll post if/when i remember. oh yeah, it was not to be walked on. if my family thinks they can just treat me like shit and make obnoxious comments and that i will lay down like a doormat and try to be peaceful and nice and sensitive and caring, like my mom was, they are wrong. it got her nowhere. i need to stick up for me more.

I miss writing. i miss writing just to write. maybe my creative juices haven't dried up. maybe they have just flowed to different outlets. maybe living and people and doing things have replaced thinking and daydreaming and analyzing. maybe it was the time in my life. maybe it was the angst of a teen, now a young adult with different angst and different stresses and different ways to relieve them. in some ways, writing was more pure than the ways i choose to think about things now. i think writing made me face things more, now it seems like i'm running away. i don't know if that's true. i just finished the perks of being a wallflower; i really liked it. i liked the simplistic writing style. i'm attempting to mimic it in this…whatever you call it. i miss my rambles that went on with no punctuation yet made sense only to me my jabber yammers or whatever i used to call them i miss them greatly i never put spaces in them before to indicate pauses but hey some things change right? i like charlie from my book because he thinks a lot, like i used to do. he thinks things i think, he puts things i've thought into words i could not. did i used to cherish the alone time, or did i just come up with ways to cope with it or enrich it, because it was inevitable? that was ten years ago, how can i expect things to have stayed the same? how could i even want them to? can i honestly tell myself i was better then than now? i guess so, in some ways i was. i was more pure, more "good". at least i think so. where am i hoping to go with this? i need a theme, a topic, a subject. love? hate? my mom? i don't know if i want to talk about any of these. i wish i could just always draw robots. they are easy. i wish i could say something profound that would make someone want to quote it. something that would make the cartoon lightbulb go off above someone's head when they hear it. something that makes them go "ah ha!" i miss feeling profound, i miss feeling infinite. can i stop missing things and instead enjoy things now and look forward to things? am i more cynical and negative now? and why do i have so many questions? i bet you half of the punctuation up to this point is question marks. that's sort of annoying. i'll see if i can just make statements. like: i am tired. like: i should really clean my apartment rather than write about nothing. like: somehow this is therapeutic. like: gosh i miss blogging, sort of. i really used to blog a lot. perhaps i'll post this in my blog. i may take a nap.

I'm blogging for the first time in months. This feels weird, but I miss it. Maybe I'll start blogging again.

I was reading someone's travel blog from a link they provided on facebook and was inspired. A lot has happened in the past weeks, months and year that are worth writing about.

Most notably I went to Israel in July! Because the trip was so amazing I will write another post dedicated just to the trip. I've probably told the story about the trip 100 times but it still does not get old. Safe to say I've been "bitten," as my aunt Andrea put it when we spoke on the phone today.

That provides me a nice segue to another topic: reconnecting with family members. To rewind a little bit, things did not go well living with Becky. The situation deteriorated to the point where we were living under the same roof, and could even be in the same room, without speaking as much as a "hello" to each other. It was truly awful, and when I heard she told someone I was "poisoning" the family I had to laugh a bitter laugh. What a joke. Perhaps more on that later as well. So, with the loss of a branch of my family I'm not all too sad to have lost, I decided to reach out to other members of my family. It actually began with an email from my dad, quite a while ago. After a few exchanges I decided his responses were really rubbing me the wrong way, and I wasn't sure if I was prepared to let him in to potentially cause me a great amount of hurt I don't need in my life right now. Between our exchanges, however, my half brother Jacob friended me on facebook and sent me a message. I left his friend request there for months, not sure what to do. Finally I decided to write him back. We have been in touch sporadically since then, and as it turns out my half sister, Mimi, is living in Israel and is in the IDF! It would have been foolish to go to Israel and not meet up with her, so we managed to meet up twice in Jerusalem. It was very cool.

My half siblings aren't the only estranged family members I've reached out to. I also got in touch with my aunt Andrea, who has long been a black sheep of our family. If my family's good at one thing, it's ostracizing select members, or driving them away so that they no longer want to be involved. Being the most recent subject of this awful display of exclusive pack mentality, I started to wonder if my aunt Andrea really did all the awful things I grew up hearing, or if she just didn't want to live her life confined to the narrow field of what my family deems acceptable. When I talked to her I made a couple points about my other aunt that she said were extremely insightful and that I hit the nail right on the head. But we spent little time talking about the side of our family neither of us wants to be a part of, and more about me, my mom and a little about her. She said she will be in town Labor Day weekend, and we may meet up if I'm around (though I have been hoping to be at the beach).

More news: I moved to a new apartment on Friday! The reign of the awesome but "bad joo joo" (as Alena put it) is over!!! My new place is great. A really big one bedroom with high ceilings and three HUGE closets. Seriously, the folding table that belonged to my grandmother's uncle Charlie fits into the smallest of the three. So, I had LOTS of helpers, which made the move a lot more bearable (and fast), not to mention that everything was down an elevator, then a block drive away, and I'm on the ground floor here so there were no miserable steps to deal with. Jax, Paul and Paul's friend Todd came first, followed soon after by Colin and Jimbo, with Jimbo's pickup truck. We got the move started, Alex's friend Dom came, and a little after that Geoff showed up. Alena came when work was over, around 3:30, and we were already mostly done! I had "reserved" the freight elevator for 1:30 (aka happened to see the man who operates it - Harry - a few hours prior and asked him if we were all set, to which he responded the woman who works in the management office NEVER told him about it, but that he would be there). We didn't start the move til about 2 and I thought it was going to take way longer than it did. Everyone said I did a great job having everything packed and ready so that really helped. When Alena came she packed all the food from the cabinets, fridge and freezer. Pretty awesome. I'd say with that time included, we were done everything by 5 and enjoying drinks at my new place (which has a little courtyard).

So hmmm what else is up? Oh I also went to LA for Coachella in April, and back to LA for Memorial Day weekend. I've been quite the traveler this year (and my bank account reflects that, sadly). I've also kept up my concert-going pretty well, having seen Spoon/Arcade Fire, Silversun Pickups, Blitzen Trapper and Stars to name the most recent ones.

I also did Race For The Cure with Ryan in May -- we raised $825, which is pretty amazing. I definitely want to do it again next year.

I've made it to the beach a bunch of times too. Ocean City, Stone Harbor, Ventnor, Wildwood, Sea Isle. I haven't gotten to Newport but I may try to go in the fall if I can convince Alena and Amy to drive up. It's just much easier to drive an hour and a half and be at the beach, rather than 5+ hours when you only have a weekend.

So there's a general synopsis of my life in the past many months. I'm going to continue unpacking and I plan on blogging about Israel later. I've been so busy most every night during the week as well as weekend, but I like it that way.

I hate you because whenever I hear that Stevie Wonder song I think of you. I really believed it when you played it for me all those years ago. It must have been about 4 years by now. It only makes me believe more firmly in that line from Vicky Christina Barcelona that only unfulfilled love can be romantic. But I still hate you.