Worked out tonight @ the gym w/ my mom (we also worked out on Sunday, but I only did weights and crunches then). I did EFX (last) for 22 min. Went 2 miles. Row, lat pulldowns, crunches on the incline machine, side crunches on the back hyperextender thingy, bicep curls, tricep extension things, and shoulder press. And they have this cool thing that has arm rests and a back, where your legs dangle and you pull them up and it works your abs. I did a couple on that.

And I saw Mr. Lampe there.

I wish I knew what the deal was for New Years.

I do a lot of wondering about things I already know the answer to. What a waste of time. And yet, I still spend time wondering about them.

Tonight I went to Wet Seal and got THE LAST JACKET left of the one I wanted a while ago. It was a size larger than the one I almost bought last time (my mom talked me out of it), but it's fine. And it was half off! I'm so stoked!!

I have these two scars on my lower left thigh. They are parallel to each other; the one on the right is longer than the one on the left. They are so faint I hardly ever notice them. The indents left by them are so tiny that I don't even notice when I run my finger across them. That sucked...but somehow I view scars as battle wounds (although I'd prefer the one on my forhead not be there).

I'm worried that I'm getting more and more like my old self...pessimistic...and overweight. This is bad. I'm always happier when I'm working out. Come on, I can do this.

This list is incomplete as of now. I'll come back and fix it when I don't have to go to bed.

::10 Bands You Have Seen Live::

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers!
2. GUSTEER!
3. Weezer
4. Our Lady Peace
5. Vertical Horizon
6. Barenaked Ladies
7. Good Charlotte
8. Queens Of The Stone Age
9. Eve 6
10. Matchbox 20


::09 Things You're Looking Forward To::

1. Puerto Rico
2. Summer
3. Drawing class
4. Wearing my new shoes and clothes
5. Living away from home again
6. The next time I go to Newport
7.
8.
9.


::08 Things You Wear Daily::

1. Underwear
2. Makeup
3. Earrings
4. Shoes
5. Corrective lenses
6. Clothes
7. Two rings
8.


::07 Things That Annoy You::

1. When my grandmother has a phone conversation during dinner while the rest of us are eating
2. Being corrected by my peers
3. Bad drivers
4. Politics
5. College chemistry
6. Misperceptions
7. Dial-up internet


::06 Things You Touch Every Day::

1. Keys
2. My hair
3. The ground
4. A phone
5. Food
6. Toothbrush

::05 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over::

1. The Matrix
2. Office Space
3.
4.
5.


::04 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With::

1. I'll get back to this one
2.
3.
4.


::03 Girls/Boys You have Kissed::

1. Jamie
2.
3.


::02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment::

1. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
2. Outkast - Heya


::01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With::

1. The guy from Bend It Like Beckham. Kidding.

Also...


You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close attention to details and you can tell what your friends are feeling. You are always the first to understand a joke and you are valued for your insight and advice. However, you sometimes isolate yourself from other people, afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

And now, to bed. I HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW :(

If ever there was a time that I blubbed, it would be RIGHT NOW. My lowest weight was at the beginning of the year. I'd say I weighed about three pounds over that for most of the year. Since then I've gained 5 1/2 pounds. BLECH.

I was serious when I said that thing about singing. It's really perfect to drown out my thoughts.

* * * * *

I never did write about the Kohls debaucle. My mom and I went to Kohls last Wednesday. I bought two pairs of jeans, a shirt, and a sweater. When I got home and went to put on one of the pairs of jeans, it wasn't in the bag. To make a long story short, my mom called Friday morning, went back there Friday afternoon, and got the jeans back. But I was none to pleased when I found out that the woman who checked us out failed to put our merchandise in the freaking bag.

First New Years goal: lose ten pounds by March.

My mom and I went to DSW Shoe Warehouse today. I got a pair of black boots, and a pair of sneakers w/ heels (think really trendy..). The manager at the store had a stick up his ass, & that's all I'll say about that.

We also went to Bed, Bath and Beyond and got bed risers, since I'll have the small room next semester. We went to Target, and from there I got socks, an awesome coat for $7.50!!!!! and a couple other items.

Did I mention how I got some clothes from H&M on Wednesday also?

Next on the list: winter dresses, jacket from wet seal, perfume from pacsun.

Also, clean my room.

And my immediate objective: go to bed.

LOTR is not looking so promising this weekend. Not even the second one, which we have from tla.

However, here is my commentary on Final Destination 2: Didn't like this movie. It was definitely freaky, and scary, but not in the same way as 28 Days Later. I liked the original, Final Destination, much better. The second one was way too gory. It was not necessary to see the guy fall apart when he was sliced into three pieces. All the splattered blood was not necessary either. Also, the plot unravelled almost exactly the same way as the first, as if the writers were following some sort of outline. They're all supposed to die. They don't. They get together and are slowly picked off, one by one. In the middle, there is an appearance from a tall black man, who is very ominous and knows things he shouldn't know. He is clearly death. More people die by "freak accidents." Then, you think everything's resolved - the main character has some breakthrough and the death and mayhem has ended. Then, someone dies at the end. Sorry if I ruined it for you. I really didn't like how everyone dropped off like flies, and how much more obvious death was in this one than in the last one. In the last one, things could have been coincidences, but not in this one.

Meanwhile, I'm falling asleep while typing this.

The movie marathon began on Wednesday night, when my mom and I watched Finding Nemo. This morning (think Thurs), she watched Bend It Like Beckham without me (even though I told her I wanted to see it again), b/c I was sleeping. We both watched Legally Blonde 2 this afternoon, and while she watched The Matrix Reloaded tonight, I watched 28 Days Later. Tomorrow night, Jamie and I will watch Final Destination 2, and perchance I will see one or more of the LOTR trilogy.

Commentary:

Finding Nemo: Second time I've seen it, most adorable movie. Very touching, very funny, and soo creative. Loved it. Especially the part with the seagulls. "Mine, mine, mine..."

Legally Blonde 2: It seems PETA took over this one. It was full of not-so-subtle animal rights hints, and bashing of anyone who didn't think any kind of animal testing was evil. It was funny at parts, extremely cheesy at others. Ok, but not as good as the first one.

28 Days Later: Sheeet son. Scary movie. When Laura described it to me, it seemed more corny than anything else, but it was creepy. I liked the way they filmed it - the way they had the guy walk through the empty streets of London for so long. I liked when he was looking out the window of the car when Frank was driving, and you could see his face, Frank, and the reflection of everything outside. It was nicely done. Towards the end it was a little hard to deal with all the flickering lights and moving camera, but I guess that was the point. Overall a good movie. (Plus, the guy was cute. Plus, they all had British accents. Things that didn't change my opinion on the quality of the movie, but things that didn't hurt.) I like the happy ending better. Duh.

Bend It Like Beckham: Even though I didn't see this today, I've seen it a few times. Really a good movie. One of the things I like about it so much, aside from its humor, is the fact that it's more realistic, in that things keep not going her way. It's not like they don't work once, she tries again, and all is well, like in many classic happy ending movies. Even though it has a happy ending, it takes a while.

The Matrix Reloaded: Seen this a few times too. Definitely not as good as the first one. First, it was unecessary for him to fly in the beginning. Second, that scene with all the agent Smiths was fake looking, esp. when he was going around the pole. I'd rather see something a little less cool but more real looking than that. Third, I didn't think the whole sex/orgy in Zion thing was needed. They could have at least made it a little shorter. It seemed counterintutive to the whole movie (I know the point of it was to contrast with the machines and their inhumanity), and it made me uncomfortable. It was somewhat corny at points, but of course the whole concept is fucking awesome, and the movie can't be that bad, just because it's the Matrix.

On another note, I just took a quiz on what kind of (alcoholic) drink I am...and I'm a glass of water.

Also, this:

discover your inner candy heart @ quiz me

Also, some things don't change (See Friday, May 2, 2003, aka Mom = dictator).

I think I like reading old posts so much because not only do they show me how much I've changed and grown, but also because I know the outcome of my life, up to a certain point. I know that last April, when I was writing about housing....I know how that turns out. It's the closest I'll be able to get to telling the future.

I haven't posted this much in one day since the summer.

I just republished the archives - they're now monthly instead of weekly. It was time, b/c they were taking over the whole left side of my blog.

I was reading old posts, as I like to do occasionally, and I read one about how I was sitting at the computer blogging, because I didn't feel like getting ready for bed. Funny, cause that's exactly what's going on right now.

I can't get that out of my head
that you were just a sham
and my memory is like Leonard's
not anterograde or retrograde amnesia
but where I make things up that weren't true
like that you and I were ever close.
All I asked for was a friendship
closer than others
it's all I wanted.
Nothing less,
nothing more.

Wow, does being home
bring back some of those memories
and some of those shitty feelings
but it also brings back a nice feeling
that whatever the fuck it was or it wasn't
it won't be an issue in three weeks.
I'll be back to my life
and though I won't stop thinking about you
you just won't matter as much as you do
when I've got nothing better to dwell on.

I love when people leave and don't say goodbye. Not only do they not say goodbye, they don't even tell me they're going. Wow, I know who I'm really close with. Not you suckas. Thanks, biotches.

In other news, I only have to work for two hours tomorrow, b/c the office closes at noon! WOO HOO!! So far I've had two full days. Two hours tomorrow, no work the next day, and a full day Friday, when half of the office will be on vacation. That probably means I'll be sitting at the front desk. No, I'm not scared, bitch. I did it for two weeks during the summer, & I'm a pro. Although it's a toss up between sitting at the front desk all day and filing......which is more deathly boring?

I still have to do my psych assignment. I'm gonna try to get around to it tonight. I also need to clean my room. Aka unpack my shit from school. I have two suitcases sitting out in the foyer upstairs, one in my room, and a couple duffels filled with shit. I really need to go through it all and see if there's anything I can leave home, seeing as how I'll have the shitty small room when I go back. Also, songpicking Monday night. Yip. Ee. At least it's not Sunday night.

* * * * *

Someone hit the nail on the head when they were talking about someone else...but he's just like you. How that person makes you feel like you're the only one in the room, and that's why they're so captivating. But I can overcome that. I am fucking strong.

I can overcome that, and I can overcome eating lots of junk.

I need to work out every other day for the next two months (as soon as I get back to school & have access to the gym). Can't go to Puerto Rico looking like a fattie.

I didn't mind you. But I already wrote about that.

"¿de que sirve saber lo que uno sabe si no puede librarse de lo que uno siente?"

Good point.

I took a two hour nap tonight.

I need to go to bed.

I wish I wasn't working tomorrow (today, technically...). I want to sleep until noon.

Last night was nice, getting to hang out at the Pringles. There's so much less tension seeing everyone on break, which I partly attribute to the fact that we all know that we'll be here for such a brief time that any issues there were in high school don't need to be brought back now, because what's the point? Also....those issues are pretty much over, and we've moved on, and can accept that it's nice to see familiar faces and places, and friends.

I really enjoy being with my friends again. Tonight was fun too.

Good thing my mom's a total bitch, and I had to be home at fucking 12:30 on a FUCKING SATURDAY NIGHT. Instead of getting to see all my friends right now, I have to be at my fucking house. I'm not going to sleep now, cause I'm not tired.

Fuck you, mom.

I feel like there's no place I can write all my thoughts and maintain my privacy. There is no privacy.

I miss everyone already. Hopefully things'll pick up tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to work at all.

It's so weird to think that a semester has already gone by. What have I learned? A lot more than I learned in four years in high school.
I learned my limits, I learned what it's like to have freedom and the direct relation of consequences to my choices.
I've realized how much I took for granted getting hugs every day, because now they're few and far between. I took my friends for granted, too, because I miss having people who know me really well, and people who I know really well.
I've learned that I can adapt to situations better than I thought I'd be able to. I've discovered that things don't always have to be serious, and that singing is a wonderful way of avoiding my thoughts. I've learned psychology...I can tell you all about schizophrenia and a little bit about Freud, and PTSD, and the list goes on. I'm greaftul that I didn't pick chemistry as a major, because the only thing I learned from that class was how much I never want to take it again. And how to make an awesome cheat sheet in font sizes 6 and 7.
I've learned to take naps whenever I get the chance, and that I won't die if I stay up all night, although it's not such a good idea. A lot of my opinions from high school have changed. I've learned that "right and wrong" is not so black and white as many people want me to believe. There are always those pesky in-betweens and, to employ an overused metaphor, there are always those grey areas.
I've learned and memorized standard deviation, believe it or not. I actually learned how do some math from my chem lab. I learned how to get over some fears (i.e. holding acids and bases and carrying a crucible).
I've learned to be thankful for what I have, the family I have and everything they've provided for me, and I've learned to be thankful for living away from home. Distance can be a wonderful thing. I've learned that my mom was right about a lot of things, like "sleep right, eat right, and exercise," but that there are things she's been wrong about. I've learned that I need to figure all of these things out, because they have so much more meaning coming to me as a lesson, rather than as disposable words and warnings. But I've also learned that she did everything to protect me, and I love her for that.
I've learned that love doesn't just go away, but also that it can't weather any storm, like some hopefuls might believe. I've learned that indecision has its place too, and that it's ok not to have my future mapped out. Plus, it's fun to change my major every time someone asks.
I've learned that my "no bullshit" policy is a good way to go, even though the truth hurts sometimes. And I don't mean trying to hurt people or being overly harsh and blanketing it with the words "blunt" and "direct." I just mean...no bullshit, exactly the way I said it. I also learned that "no regrets" is a tricky policy, as it's not as much in my control as "no bullshit." I take that back, it is in my control. I've learned what I need to do to keep that under my control, and what happens when I don't.
I've learned spanish cursewords and insults, and that you always use subjunctive after "a fin de que," "a menos de que," "con tal de que," "en caso de que," "antes que," "para que," and "sin que." And who I will never have as my spanish teacher again.
I've learned that slackers have their place among the hard workers, but that to really succeed you may have to bust your ass once in a while.
I've rediscovered my dislike for annoying teenage girls who listen to shitty music, but that some of them aren't all bad...and some are.
I've learned a lot about acting; things I wish I'd known back in high school. I could've been so much better. But I've learned to try not to look back and say "if I could've been what I could've been, I could've been somethin'...." (ahh Working), because it's futile.
I've learned not to trust everything people say, and to stand up for myself enough so that I don't put myself in a dangerous situation with a man who's telling me he's a taxi driver but he just has a regular car and I'm really skeeved out so I jump into another cab quickly. I learned that last weekend.
And I've decided that sending your child to a single-sex school is detrimental.
I've learned that it can be nice to see a familiar face once in a while. It can also be weird as hell.
In the past two hours I've rediscovered my hate, resentment and sheer loathing for dial-up internet.
I've learned that personality wins over other things.
I've learned how to fool myself pretty well. That can definitely come in handy, and has come in handy.

But I don't know everything (that'll take at least another semester).

I haven't learned how to manage my time and how to not procrastinate. I haven't learned how to read large amounts of material successfully in one sitting.
I still haven't learned how to feel good about myself just because, without any reaffirmation. Nor have I learned how to get ready for bed in under half an hour.
I still haven't figured out how to control my temper or to hide my emotions enough.
I haven't been able to stop cracking my neck and my knuckles.
I haven't learned much in the way of chemistry, and I have yet to feel the wrath of english papers. That'll be next semester.
I can't decide whether I think it's better when people are outwardly shady and skeezy, or whether it's better if they're secretly a sleazeball.
I haven't yet learned how to read people as well as I need to.
I haven't gotten over my paranoia.
And I haven't learned how to stop being stupid about certain things. I need to learn this lesson soon or it's gonna get me hurt like it has already. I wish it was enough to just tell myself "Stop being stupid," or to have someone slap my hand. But that just made me laugh.

You should be a liberal studies major.


Very helpful.

I don't understand some people.

* * * * *

I worked out today like woah today. My calves are killing me, cause I did Laura's gazelle for an hour the other night. Then I did the EFX for 25 min today (half of it was a cool down, I kept extending the time), crunches on the incline thing, side crunches on some other machine, bicep curls (3 reps instead of 2), lat pulldowns, row, shoulder press, and these tricep things. It was a really good workout.

I HATE STUDYING AND I AM PROCRASTINATING!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

It's almost 4, and I'm just getting dressed. And it's to go to the gym. I do need to study for my final tomorrow. I also need to respond to two psych assignments. But my head hurt and I'm getting fat, and both of those need(ed) to be fixed.

Compliments are free.

It's such a shame.

Saw the play tonight. They did The Laramie Project. Damn, it was good. Seriously...I can't even begin. It was so moving and like...when the bad guys were on I got this feeling in the pit of my stomach and when they were crying on stage I was crying and...it was great.

I miss it.

It was weird being in the audience. It was weird watching everyone get congratulated, and congratulating them, instead of being the one who gets congratulated. But it was nice to be able to watch the talent, and, having been in the plays, knowing how much work and time and devotion went into it, and seeing the awesome product. ::Sigh::

I hate always having be vague on here. "I can't be that specific about my feelings - I just can't! Will you get off the phone!?" That was one of my last lines from my final scene in acting.
I can't decide if I should work out today before I go home to see the play.
I worked out yesterday and the day before. I went with Adriana, and on Thurs we went late, so they kicked us out when they were closing. I only got 13 min on the EFX and some crunches. Yesterday we were there for a long ass time, though, and I did the EFX for 30 min, bicep curls, lat pulldowns, shoulder press, row, triceps, crunches on the incline machine thingy, and side crunches on another machine. It was a good workout. I'm kind of sore - I can definitely feel it in my stomach. I'm gaining weight and really not happy about it, so I'm gonna try to be better. Famous last words.
I'm excited to see Laramie tonight, but I don't think I'm going to the cast party. I just can't do it to myself. I got to bed early last night, compared to the past week. Let's just say the sun wasn't about to rise when I went to bed last night.

* * * * *

I'm feeling torn.

It sucks when you realize how one-sided things are sometimes.
When your view is completely different from someone else's view.
No bullshit, and I mean it.
It's a hard policy.

Ugh like woah. Really wow....... this sucks.

I hate people....

but thank god for some of them.

Unit change like woah.

Last night was our first night of the show. It went well...I was actually less nervous on stage than I thought I'd be, but it all went by so fast! Let's hope it's not cancelled tonight.

So Ryan blocked me on AIM.

OTB's fall show is rapidly approaching. And here I am doing fucking work. I hate work. I'm not doing any tomorrow. I'm not even going to any classes tomorrow. I won't have classes at all on Friday next semester.

The end.

How do you say it in 733t 5p33k? 0wn3d?

But for serious, this weekend is what I was looking forward to -- why I was dying to come home. I got to see all my friends!!! It was so great. I stocked up on enough hugs to last me until the next time I see them (which'll only be two weeks...we're all crashing a certain cast party...). Though it was not always for long, I got to see mostly everyone I wanted to see. And go shopping. But so far...I've also managed to not do work. Oh, details.

This goes out to that little balding man who holds the sign that says "BLATANT LIE."

Wow, my life's boring.

I've been looking through old pictures. Last night I got so nostalgic after I got home; I got a little teary-eyed. There's so much I don't remember...it was fun looking through the past.

Happy Thanksgiving! Now it's time to make a list of a few things for which I'm thankful:

• My family
  
• Freedom
  
• Applesauce and brisket
  
• Waking up whenever I want to
  
• Health (although I'm still kind of sick..it's been at least three weeks now)
  
• Love
  
• Sleeping in my bed

My mom used to always say it when she was upset: "I can laugh or I can cry." But sometimes you need to hear things again.

I'm hungry.

Today was pretty poopish. Right now I need to study for my chem midterm, plus I have to do a prelab and a lab report. All for tomorrow. I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight.

Today has not been the best day. I've just been tired and cranky and moody. I either felt like I was going to rip someone's head off, or I thought everything was funny, or I thought I was going to cry.

I also felt really lonely today. I realized I don't really have any close friends here, to whom I could cry and tell all my problems. That's a pretty shitty feeling, especially when it's what you need.

Which leads me to my next topic:

I am SOOOOOOOOOO EXCITEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD FOR THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!. Oh man, I seriously can't wait to see everyone. Plus, it'll be nice to have some real food and sleep till whenever I want. Plus I need to do laundry.

But there is tonight and tomorrow to get through before I can cruise to break. I think I'm going to die.

Talked to Debra today for 20 minutes, which seemed like nothing. I miss her...I miss everyone! I can't wait till Thanksgiving break so I can seeeee everyoneeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I mean, I know why. I don't need anyone to guess. But that doesn't change anything.

Nothing is sacred anymore.

Talking to my mom.
Me: I like talking to you.
Mom: Yeah, well, you know. We've done a lot of it. It's kind of a habit.

You represent... kindness.
You're a very gentle, kind, and caring individual.
You truely care about people and are generally
well-liked. Though sometimes you may be
perceived as weak, you truely have a strong
heart and a good desire to help others.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Just got back from John's Hopkins. It was alright. I had fun in the car though.

I can't stop coughing. It feels like death.

I took some more quizzes. One said I am Harvard, the other said I go to Yale.

You're Most Like The Season Spring ...

Fresh faced, with a young outlook on life - you smile at the world and expect it to smile back at you. You're mostly a bubbly, fun - innocent person. Described as cute possibly. However, you're a little naive about things and tend to be a little too trustworthy.
As the first season, It Makes you the youngest - and so most immature - but people are inclined to look out for and protect you.

Well done... You're the most fun of the seasons :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Blogger keeps logging me out. It's a pain.

I just finished A Streetcar Named Desire. Very weird. A coupe quote-worthy things in there, though. Maybe later. I'm gonna go get ready for bed.

I put up pictures from photo in my room today. :)

I ought to post in here more often. Life has been so busy...

I've been sick since last Tuesday. If I don't feel much better, I'm going to student health services tomorrow. It's funny, because tonight, the first time I really tried to just sit in my room and have some quiet and read, there was noise in my suite, so I couldn't. It's kind of annoying.

Last Thurs I was supposed to go see Major Barbara, but I was too sick, so I changed it (for a $4 fee) to this Thurs. It starts at 7. I have class till 7. I can't see it any other night, because OTB owns me. I don't really mind it, cause it's fun. I think I actually sound better when I'm sick, when I'm losing my voice. Lilia's sick, though, so I'm the only one on my part.

Welcome to ADD central. I just realized how much I jumped around in the last couple sentences. College is all about ADD. I haven't been able to get much work done here at all. I'm pretty proud that I sat down and finished the second half of Streetcar. Of course, this afternoon I spent time putting up those pictures, when I could've done work. But if I think in terms of when I could've done work but did something else...well, that happens more often than not.

I'm not failing out of all my classes or anything, though.

I have an acting midterm on Thurs, which I'm nervous for, because I still have to read two of the books. I have to go memorize some lines from my final scene for tomorrow.

If I make a goal to go to bed by 2, I don't get to bed until 3 at the earliest. So tonight I'm aiming for 1.

Friday night was the OTB CD release party. I was sick, so I was only gonna stay for half an hour. Yeah. Half an hour turned into a couple hours. It was cool though.

I missed the homecoming football game...I want to go to at least one football game!

There is so much extra shit going on that I'm not even gonna write in here.

I miss my blog.

Don't make a big deal = nothing. Which is fine. (two posts back)

Went to NY today to sing. It was frigid. I wasn't having the best day at the beginning, but it ended up being pretty fun. We sang outside on the street next to the subway station, and at a birthday party. I rode back on the train, which was more fun than I thought it would be. But now, time for bed.

It's like NOTHING is a big deal and it irritates me SOOOOOOOO much! Don't make a big deal.... what about maybe a tiny small deal?

Muuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My throat reallllly hurts. I'm getting sick and it sucks.

Do you ever have a moment where you just think "what the fuck am I doing?"

Worked out today.
35 min on EFX. 3.03 miles, 414 cal.
Many crunches.
Seated row, bicep curls, lat pulldowns, triceps, and shoulder press.
BUFF.

I still love you.

On a less heavy note, I can't decide what to be for Halloween. Perhaps I should've started thinking about it more than two days before, but I don't work that way. Laura said we should be people on our hall. I like the idea, but no one else would get it. I'd be Luis, Laura would be Seth, Meghan would be Sean, and it would be fucking hilarious. I'd walk around saying "Ay, que chicha!"

I got a flu shot today. My arm hurts now. I wanted to work out again today. When I get in the mood to do something, like work out, I want to do it every day. I think it's because I'm afraid I'll lose my motivation again. I want to go tomorrow night.

If anyone reading this wants to donate money to the send-me-to-Puerto-Rico-for-spring-break fund, let me know. I take checks and cash.

Time to sing.

I love when my posts get erased.
.....

I want to read something like that, that makes me feel like I know exactly what you're saying. Good set up, great delivery. I used to write like that... I think. I miss writing. I liked my autobiography class.
I loved my portfolio class
I loved my acting class.
But I don't generally write just to write. I don't take pictures, I don't draw.
Nothing is refined.
Some day, maybe, I'll realize that I have to do work. It can be fun, it's not always bad. You need to work to get what you want. Things can't always fall in your lap.
But as of now, I hate doing work.

Just worked out.
EFX: 403 calories, 3 miles. 35 minutes.
Bicep curls
Seated row
Lat pulldowns
Shoulder press
Tricep things
Many many situps.
=
Dead.

its fun to cry for no reason at all
you just feel like shit and wonder why everythings wrong
when really its just a few hours on a friday
no biggie
and everything seems like shit
and fuck is this song depressing
but its not bad
i dont get the title though
emotions suck sometimes
when you just want to scream
and cry
and you feel like a pussy
for being so fucking
stupid

Today I got poked in the eye by some fool who didn't watch where the points of her umbrella were going. She was like "oh, did I hit you?" And I said "yeah...only in my EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It really hurt.

The sun was rising when I went to bed yesterday (Mon). I also bombed a chem midterm, but did really well in my chem lab and on a lab report, and on a spanish composition. Then I took a nap, then got poked in the eye, then came back and didn't do work.

Friday night: Cabaret.
Saturday: Jewelry show, flat tire.
Sat night: back to college, Jamie, no Jamie, sleep.
Sunday: chem, chem, otb, chem, more chem, chem, chem...

I'm so messed up. I started crying during rehearsal today, for no reason at all. I couldn't sing, and it was because I was about to cry. I went to the bathroom and calmed myself, and was fine. Five minutes later I couldn't stop laughing, b/c someone did something mildly funny. I also got extremely pissed today, moreso than I should've. Something's up.

I am so tense and jittery right now. It's not a good day. Nothing huge has happened, really, it's just little annoying bad things.

1. Being a girl just sucks.
2. I woke up this morning and thought I was in my bed at home. Then I realized I had class.
3. My back is killing me.
4. I got to chem and there was a seat next to Laura. One seat. There was a guy next to the seat. When I went to put my stuff down on the alleged seat, he goes "oh, can I save this for someone." I was like "oh......... I guess. I mean, my friends were saving it for me (mumble: but I'll just go sit by myself). He said sorry. I said fuck you. No, I didn't really, but I thought it. I should've just said no. So I put my book and my umbrella down on the floor in front of a chair in front of where Meghan and Laura were sitting. I go to the bathroom. I come back. Someone's in my seat. Thanks, idiot. I went and sat somewhere else for a minute and then left.

I'm just really fucking stressed now. I have to meet with my advisor at 3 about what classes I'm taking next semester, and I have NO idea what I want to take. Fuck me.

Ok, I really need to be packing now, but I wanted to write about tonight. Today's (technically yesterday) been a good day. I saw Jamie (good, even though we fought at the end). I went out tonight w/ Laura, Meghan, Jim and Chris. Sean joined us a little later, and so did his football friend. We went to this one party, for Mask & Wig, and Chris and Jim pretended to be bouncers at the front door (there was a sign on the door saying to go around to the back...they stood in front of the sign). Lines of people formed, and they carded the people or asked them if they knew anyone in Mask and Wig. At one point, Chris pretended he was one of the idiots standing in line, and he and Jim got in a fake fight, and Jim threw him on the couch. The other people were freaking out...it was hilarious! We went to another party but couldn't get in b/c we weren't on the list...

Ok. I just woke up and I forgot to post this last night.

I had 5 hours of sleep. Now, off to Brown.

My new resolution is to smile when I get pissed off. Smiling always puts you in a better mood, and hopefully it'll stop me from wanting to bitch.

I visited my old high school today. Instead of clearing my bed off, I'm going to write about it. Briefly, if I can pull it off.

I saw my Lampe (chem teacher), Mr. Vr (play director), Mr. Johnson (head of school), Mr. W & Mr. D (music teachers), Mrs. Bell (dean), Mr. Dafilou (lost like...100 pounds), my old advisor (Gertrude Stein said that's enough..), and a bunch of other various people.

I had a chicken filet for lunch, and I stole 9 things of honey mustard. I'd have taken more but there weren't that many in the bin.

It was weird being back.

I even got yelled at for being on my cellphone! It was really funny. I was trying to call Jamie, while I was walking down the stairs, and this teacher who doesn't know who I am - Mrs. Rock - sees me and flips out and says "OH NO. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? NO CELLPHONES." And I said, very calmly, "Ok, but I don't go here anymore..." She felt like an ass. "Well....... In that case... nevermind."

So, that was pretty concise.

Time for organizing.

I am a terrible person.
On on on on on on on on on
OFF.

i visit you
during minutes of extreme boredom
and procrastination
for that is all the time
of mine
that you are worth
i think someday
someone will try to
get through to you
and they will fail
miserably
and everyone will give up
because i think you cant change

------

now what am i supposed to do
i got myself into some trouble
and i dont know how to get out
shit

One of the things I shall never miss about high school is the bitterness.

I'm not gonna lie, a part of my high school life included bitterness towards people, groups of people, situations (being included....or not), etc. And being annoyed with people for being such a damn pain in the ass.

I do not miss it, Sam I am.

Certain little things happen, and then I start to remember something that person did that really pissed me off or upset me, and then I remember...who the hell cares? If I chose, I'd never have to talk to or see them again.

I shall also never miss the fact that there were FOURTY PEOPLE IN MY CLASS and it sucked. Thank you, real world college, for being so big and, yes - the msot overused buzzword of recent times - diverse.

College and home are in completely different time zones. At college, I don't get tired until maybe two a.m., whereas here (at home) it's 12:30 and I'm struggling to stay awake (and I'm more active at college than here).

Yesterday my mom and I went shopping. I got new pants, sweaters, a new really awesome bag that is big enough for some of my books, and AWESOME new shoes! I am so excited by all the new stuff!

Plan for tomorrow: eye doctor appointment, dry cleaner, and the mall (the best one), where I'll go to H&M and probably Joyce Leslie. Stay in tomorrow night and do some homework.

Plan for Tues: Go to ss/cha & talk to Mr. W and Mr. D about OTB singing there, talk to other teachers, eat chicken filet(s), steal much honey mustard.

I really need to get some chem done, or I'm gonna start failing.

We started learning about Freud in psych today. What a weirdo he was. Personally, I've never been sad that I don't have a penis, contrary to what he proposes.

OTB on y100 tomorrow, around 8:30!!

I'll get about 4 hours of sleep tonight. Pbth.

Yeah....so my head still hurts from getting smacked with a guitar. Yeah...Meghan smacked me the other night with Sean's guitar, and it's definitely really sore still. She did it totally by accident, and I was way more mad at Luis, who wouldn't stop laughing about it.

Other than that, this week is gonna be hell. Wednesday I have a spanish quiz, the next day a spanish in class composition, the next day a presentation on Venezuela, and I don't know what I'm going to talk about yet. I think sports (since lord knows how much I care about that). Hopefully it'll be easier to find stuff about that than about arts (I tried earlier...wayyyyyy too much stuff going on there). Also, Friday morning before the buttcrack of dawn, we will be getting up to be on the radio. I think we'll be on around 8:30, on y100. So listen. And of course there's rehearsal Wednesday night, plus I am presenting my monologue tomorrow, plus I have to do chem lab tomorrow...so I have class from 12 - 1:30, 2 - 5, and 5:30 - 7. Not much eating time in there.

Let's see how I survive this.

Meghan, Laura and I went shopping today at the KOP mall. It was fun. I got a pink hat, pink gloves, and a black and white striped button down shirt from H&M. I also got two headbands ($2 a piece), both pink, and candy from Mr. Bulky. I almost got a tube top from Wet Seal, but there was too much going on in it, so I didn't. Now, I have a headache and am dead tired. I'm gonna go eat some PB&J.

I was on TV!!! It was really cool...I took many boxes of free tastycakes!!

Had our first OTB performance tonight, outside in the cold. But it was fun. I can't help feeling bad that I didn't get any kind of solo. I have this paranoia that they're wondering why they let me in in the first place, that they want me out...that the audition wasn't really enough for them to tell and they realize what a mistake they've made.

But hopefully not.

I'm trying to look on the bright side of things....they are an awesome group!

Other than that, my legs are killing me!!

Today has been a long, long day, and now I have to go work on my monologue!!

So. I'm home. Real home home. Not like...I-referred-to-college-as-home-yesterday home.

I worked out tonight for the first time in a long time! I did 24 min on EFX including cooldown, 2.16 miles, I think, 250-280 cal (somewhere in there), bicep curls, triceps on lat machine, lat pulldowns, row, gravitron (this thing is awesome...you can do pull ups or dips...I did a little of both, cause it's hard), shoulder press, and crunches.

I have a headache now, but am not tired. Maybe I'll go to bed anyway, and get up early.

How come when I wanna stay up late b/c I have lots of free time tomorrow, everyone goes to bed???

You know what? Good-but-not-good-enough is kind of my life story... I think I should be at Penn State.

**note....Penn State is the other college I got into aside from Penn. This is not meant to say that Penn State is in any way a bad school. Sorry for the confusion!

So I wasted 5 hours at solo auditions. Got nothing. I have so much work. This is a terrible day.

Today has been the longest day.

I have so much work, it's unbelievable. I did only a tiny portion of chem, looked for the bracelet I lost (the one Jamie gave me w/ my name on it), barely had time to eat, borrowed Luis's psych notes & book to read (God knows when), read over part of my chem lab, had a long ass OTB rehearsal (it was fun), and attempted to work on my monologue for acting. This sucks.

Never a dull moment. From hurricanes to a fan falling on my head and more...never a freaking dull moment.

We have these really nice, thick walls in our dorm. Very good for throwing things at when you get pissed off.

Why am I pissed off?

I woke up this morning, went over to the sink, and looked at a sign on the mirror that said "DO NOT TOUCH THE SINK OR SHOWER (The facilities guy)"

Let me rewind a little. Two nights ago we lost out power, only on our side of the hall, for about two hours or so. Last night we lost our water for about five minutes.

So, now we have no water. None. I can't take a shower, like I planned. I can't use my toilet. I can't wash my hands.

I called the front desk, and they suggested I go to the third floor (by the way, the problem is on the second floor, so it obviously makes sense that the fourth floor has no power) and use the kitchen lounge's sink. So, I traipsed downstairs in my pajamas, soap, contacts, & contact soln. in hand, and did my stuff. I'm tempted to shower in there too (they have a full bathroom!), but I'll just wait.

I didn't want to be a greaseball today.

I know I've been neglecting my blog as of late, but I've been busy! I haven't gotten much homework done recently, partly because last week I had all the a capella group auditions and callbacks, and partly because it's so hard to concentrate here! There are sooo many distractions.

My roommates are really great. They're all nice, we all get along well. I'm so happy I didn't end up with a roommate who was nuts or something.

Red Hot Chili Peppers was Friday night. That was great.

I have to try to go do work now. I want to go to bed.

Our side of the hall just had a huge blackout.

Also...I got into OTB, Counterparts, Quaker Notes, and Dischord!!!!!!!

Got called back to OTB!!!! Also to Counterparts, Quaker Notes, and Dischord. I was surprised I didn't get called back to Penny Loafers, but it's ok, cause I got called back to OTB!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be in it soooooooooooo badly!!!!!!

The moon looks beautiful tonight.

I got a 123 on bowling. Three strikes in a row (one was for someone else, though!), and some spares. :-D

I auditioned for OTB, Penny Loafers, Counterparts, Quaker Notes, and Dischord. I hope I get into OTB.

Ok, I just d/led avant browser. This should make most of the pop up ads go bye bye.

I'm at college now. As long as we don't have to do work I'll be happy.

My room mates seem really nice. :-D

I just miss my Jamie.

Note to self: Avant Browser.

Earlier today I was going to type up that thing about Columbia, but my mom stole the computer.

Today's been a bad day in that I've been in a horrible mood. From cranky to crying, it's just been plain stinky.

However it wasn't a horrible day. My mom (who is not making it very hard for me to want to leave) and I went to the dollar store. I bought some dry-erase markers with erasers built on to their lids, dishwashing detergent, a martini glass in which I'll put shells Jamie and I collected on the beach, a planner, and some other stuff. Then we had lunch, and stopped by Jamie's house for about 10 minutes to say hi.

I don't feel like telling the story, but I got pissed at her and left the room and she said I couldn't use her car tonight. Jamie and I were going to go to the mall, so of course we couldn't with no way to get there. So I just got really pissed about that, and was in a horrible mood when he came over. As always, though, he managed to cheer me up.

So. I heard that people were placing bets on whether or not Jamie and I will stay together. Doesn't that make me have faith in these people.

I shine the light on them (it all amounts to nothing in the end). I've heard it too many times at work.

Speaking of work, tomorrow's my last day (for now). Even though I won't be making money, I'll be glad to be done. I can't stand sitting for 7+ hours a day. I am getting flabby, and I mean it. I might even...yes, indeed I will...have to whip out the blub blub blub. It's that bad.

I'm not really looking forward to going. I'm not ready to start doing work again.

Today I looked around the princeton review website, and checked out descriptions, ratings, etc. for various colleges, including the ones people I know will be attending. And I am so glad I didn't apply to Columbia. I'd hate it there. Later, if I remember, I will post the description one student gave of "campus life." It sounded awful. But I probably could've gotten in. My school was ranked 12 on the "toughest to get into" list, while Columbia was ranked 15. The top ranking college was some sort of military college, followed by Princeton, Harvard, and Yale, respectively.

SUNY at Albany seems to be really crappy, because it was high on a bunch of the crapster lists ("dorms like dungeons," stinky looking campus, bad food, etc.). Oberlin is reported as being a drug school, with left-wing nuts. Skidmore sounded alright, but was also admittedly a drug school. Penn state was a party school, it rated number 1 on the jock school list, and they prefer beer to hard liquor there. Bucknell is where the hard liquor-drinkers go. Northwestern seemed good; some people said they were a bunch of dorks (but were happy with it).

I can't remember much else. I'll have to remember to post that description.

As of now I'm practically falling asleep, and I still have to dry my hair and get washed up.

In other news, I've got 51 pages left to read in my book for school! I've read at least 50 in the past few days, so this news is incredibly encouraging. I might actually finish it! There's a wild and crazy thought.

Metaphor for life?

Today I thought I had a brain tumor. On the way home from work, I got a searing pain on the right side of my head. I cured it with a three-hour nap, though.

Today was the most fun day since...well, since Jamie was in Newport with me!!

We went up to his lake house, and it was so great. I will write in greater detail later (hopefully), but in short we went sailing, tubing, kyaking, he went waterskiing, we walked, we motor boated, and he taught me how to fly fish! It was so great and wonderful and it's incredibly beautiful up there. It's just the right amount of rustic: there is running water, electricity and all kinds of homey accomodations, but you have a lake and nature all around you.

The only thing I didn't like were the bats. Yes, bats. They came out of a boat house they nest in during the afternoon, and I screamed and ducked & covered my head.

But I had a fantabulous time!

Maybe there's something intrinsically wrong with me, some reason that I never had a best friend.

I have one now, so it's alright.

So...just when I'm thinking "give people the benefit of the doubt," etc., it just all goes down the crapper. In a way I don't ever want to go to college, because that means no chance at all of me seeing Jamie during the week. But man, am I ready to make some friends! Real friends, who consider inviting me when they go out. How refreshing that would be.

Jamie and I are going to the RHCP show on Sept 12!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!

We have most fantabulous seats.

Other than that, my back really hurts. All I've done at work for the past two days is sit. And sit. And also, I sit a little. Followed by more sitting. In an uncomfy chair. Murder on the lower back. But I'm pretty good at answering phones, and I've now seen every screen saver on the front desk computer twice.

I just got back from Newport! I had the bestest time! Jamie came up toward the end of our trip, on Friday night, and stayed with us till we came home (today). It was soooo fun, and I'm really tan. I don't want to go back to work!

17 hours in the hospital. My poor mommy.

Yesterday (well...Sat) I talked to one of my roommates-to-be for college. She's from NC and she seemed really nice. We had a good convo, talked about all kinds of stuff, so I'm really happy. At least I know I have one nice roommate. I called the other two, but neither answered, so I left a message on their machines.

My roommate from NC wants to major in Molecular bio! AND I think one of my roommates might be spanish, and hopefully spanish-speaking.

Speaking of spanish (haha), I took the placement test online for Spanish, and I got Spanish 140! There are two elementary spanish classes, and two intermediates. 140 is the higher intermediate. If I'd gotten in the one range that was higher than mine, I could have tried to place out of spanish (which would be crazy!). But I'm really excited. I still need to pick out my courses, and my advisor is kind of a bum about emailing me back.

Oh, and I got my shots today.

So my advisor emailed me and pretty much pointed out that August 1st is the due date for my course selection. I found this out after reading the email from him last night, after which I proceeded to freak out. Jamie is in Maine, and, mind you, this was around 12:15 a.m. I can call him at the house phone there, but certainly not at that hour. I couldn't wake my mom up, and I couldn't call anyone who would be sleeping. So I called Tom. I thought I had it together enough to not start crying immediately, but I didn't. He reassured me that I'd be ok, and hopefully I will.

Well there, blog. It's been a while. I don't have long now. Can't say I actually missed the internet, as real LIVE people and sun and beach are way better than anything cyberspace has to offer. Not to say that I didn't miss Jamie terribly. No one really seemed to know I was gone, I think.

So, I'm back from outer space....

Don't wanna be here. Jamie's away, I don't do much during week nights (or weekend nights, for that matter...), it's hot and muggy, and I'm not in Npt. Poopie.

But I'm going back, if everything goes well. And I can't wait!!

So. I have a desk in a cubicle, my own extension number, a key to get back into the office area after five, when the doors lock, my own email account, and server space. Yee haw!

Not that I'm really at my desk for more than ten minutes during the day.

Today I did more filing, as I did yesterday. I'm still not done. I was smart enough to bring a sweater, though, because I froze yesterday.

I haven't been posting because I have nothing to say.

I'll try to give up being self-destructive for a while. But it's not totally self destructive. Some of it's for my own protection.

I just noticed that this blogger posting thing has little navy bubble-type things on the dark blue backgroud.

And now, instead of drying my hair and brushing my teeth, I'm trying to think of good baby names. Don't ask.

Is it because I changed, or because you changed? Because I wouldn't or couldn't, or you?

Reading through old emails now. I am really sorry. I don't know where it went wrong, I really don't. There came a point at which I didn't want it anymore.

So, I haven't had much of a life since Jamie's been gone. But he'll only be gone one other time during the summer, so I'll be alright. I don't think I care enough to call people up and ask what's going on. Plus I'm really tired from this week. I did more updating of the library, which, since I didn't explain it in my last post, I'll explain now. There'll be a packet of papers, and the top few will be a list. It's a list of pages to remove, and a list of pages to replace those that you take out. It looks something like this...

Pages to be removed Page 5-9 through 5-13.13....... Page 7-5........ etc.

Pages to be inserted Page 5-9 through 5-13.14(1) Page 7-5 through 7-6.1 etc.

So that goes on for a very, very, VERY long time. It's not too bad. Except for the one I had today, because for that one it was country codes, and they were just listed in a paragraph.

Pages to be removed AS, AZ, EE, EP, ET, JP, KR, ETC!

Pages to be inserted AS, AZ, EE, EP, ET, JP, KR, AND MORE!

So that wasn't even so bad. It was almost easier in a way. HOWEVER...when I was done replacing the pages, I was supposed to go through every single page and check that the date on the bottom of the page matched the date on a sheet that came with the update pages. But my mom taught me a quick way to flip through pages, so even that wasn't too bad.

I also answer the phones at the main reception desk. It's actually sort of hard to remember who's calling while you're searching for the name of who's being called on the switchboard. Especially because there are three Johns, two Steves, etc. So you know, yesterday John O's wife called, but I accidentally connected her to John D. Stuff like that. But I'm getting good at it.

All in all, the job's not bad. Boring at times, but hey....if someone wants to pay me to be bored, I'm fine with that! The only downside is that I get home between 6:45 and 7 at night.

I GOT A JOB!!! I went in yesterday and the woman hired me on the spot! I'm working at a lawfirm, in Support Service, aka answering phones, filing, etc. I get paid big bucks too, and that's not sarcastic!

Last night I went to the mall for about an hour (apparently it closes at 6 on Sundays). I only got to buy a couple small things from Joyce Leslie, and make a mental note of where I'm going back (hopefully tonight). After that I went home, ate half a yogurt, a piece of bread, and two pieces of canteloupe. I had such a huge lunch yesterday that I wasn't hungry for more than that. After eating I went to Eddie's. We watched the first half of Fight Club, then got some snacks and hung out in the kitchen. Not a bad night, but, needless to say, I miss my beau.

Also, I figured out the key to it all. But I'm not telling! Muahahaha!

Oh yeah....the big lunch I had yesterday was from my mom's friend's surprise 50th birthday party. It was pretty fun, and the food was really good. Hence the stuffedness. I made a first-rate pig of myself.

On another note, after dinner my grandmother, my mom and I were all sitting around the dinner table conversing. My grandmother started talking about Glenn Beck, a man who has a show on Talk Radio, her most favoritest radio station...

"He was a raging alcoholic," she explained. "He drank a gallon of Jack Daniels a week! Can you imagine? A gallon! He had to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. He was addicted. I know about addiction. Yep, I'm a nail biter."

You can only understand half of why it was so funny. The way she said it...I can't even explain. It was HILARIOUS!

On August second, 2002, I dubbed myself resourceful after using spray deoderant to kill a click beetle.

Well, my friends, it seems history repeats itself. About a week ago, a bug found its way to my room and proceeded to terrorize me by flying all around the cieling light in my room. I tried to lure it out by turning off the light and leaving the door open, thinking it might see another light on downstairs or in the study and evacuate the premesis. My attempt failed, however, and when I went back in my room and turned on the light, the bug (a click beetle, no less) proceeded to fly around and land on my shower towel, which hangs on the back of my door. Thinking in a manner similar to that of August the second, I grabbed the same spray deoderant I had previously used, and showered that sucker. Click beetles are fighters, so again I smushed it and flushed it.

It was the only way.

"I am covered in skin.
No one gets to come in.
Pull me out from inside
I am folding and unfolding
And unfolding I am
Colorblind...
...I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine."

"It's that stomach feeling that comes from listening to this song. It's that weird mood that comes, also from the song, making me think that if I squint my eyes, I'll be able to see the world more clearly. See? Weird mood."

- June 29, 2002

In some sort of weird mood now. I want to write songs and sing at the top of my lungs and do cartwheels in a field. I'll wait till James gets home. :)

Tonight I'm gonna try to go to the mall by myself and SHOP! RETAIL THERAPY, BABY!! H&M, Wet Seal, American Eagle, Joyce Leslie, Express, and various other stores are calling my name. I bought the skirt from Express that I've been eyeing today. In Khaki. I love it.

Last night, for the first time, I embraced the perfection of hindsight. It's actually comforting, in a way, to know that later on I'll be able to look back and see that my current problems were not as big a deal as they seemed.

Finding Nemo was SUCH a good movie!!

Tomorrow breaks the trend of us seeing each other every day. He's leaving tomorrow and coming back on the 28th. Stupid mission trip.

* * * * *

Last night when I was trying to go to sleep at 1:30 in the morning, there were a few very confused birds chirping as if it was sunrise or the coming of the worm or something.

When it comes to a certain boyfriend of mine, it's impossible to have to much of a good thing.

I do believe I've seen him every day since last Tuesday.

Tues @ CHA grad.
Wed @ SS grad.
Thurs @ my house.
Fri @ Heather's party.
Sat @ Rachel's party & afterwards.
Sun @ Pringles' & Katie's.
Mon @ Eddies.
Tues @ my house (Death To Smoochie).
Wed @ his house, for dinner & movie (Two weeks notice).
Thurs (tonight) @ My house.
Y hoy, mas tarde? Espero que yo este con mi novio!!

No he hablado con algunas personas hasta domingo, y con otros hasta lunes.

Bueno, que mas? Quiero dormirme!

I think some time soon, I shall go a week without the internet.

I am dying for a job at this gym near my house. They need receptionists, and I am starting to harrass the manager there. You get to use the facilities if you work there. AHHH!!!!

Oh, and I will really try not to take bitterness and anger with me to college. I'm sure I'll accumulate enough of it from there that I won't need to pack any extra. ;-)

Last night at dinner, my mom started pondering how they came up with days of the week. "Why seven days?" she asked. She said she understood the concept of months, and the lunar cycle, etc. "But why," she wondered, "are there only seven days? Why does it start on Sunday and go to Saturday, and then repeat? Why not just have an infinite number of days that run on?" My grandmother said it was because of the Bible. But my mom retorted that the Bible never specified that there were seven days in a week, or what the names of the days were.

So. Ponder away, or answer my mom's question.

I think some time I won't speak for an entire day.

No, I suppose they don't want to deal with someone who always seems to get angry.

I realized on Tuesday, after I was so upset b/c I got none of the recognition I feel I deserved at final assembly, why it's so much easier for me to get angry than for me to cry.

Firstly, I hate crying. I feel like such a baby.

Secondly, I felt bad as compared with the same people who would've wanted to comfort me had I been crying, and I wanted to be away from them so I wouldn't feel even worse about myself.

Thirdly, it seems to take less effort to just get mad and not say anything than to say what I'm feeling and get all sad.

Fourthly, I think I had another reason that was good, but I forget. It's just easier.

Tonight, I almost cried. Almost. No, no one does ever get mad at Meghan when she cries. But when I get angry they just run away. But if that's how it's going to be, then I hope they run far and stay away. For people who should know me well, they don't at all. And that's how it's supposed to be. I keep trying to give up, to fly the white flag. They want to keep touch in college, they all say. But I don't think I can. Is it worth it? Why do I bother caring? I have so many questions that won't be answered. Or if they are, I believe they won't be answered honestly, because actions speak so much louder than words.

Again, I am simply an afterthought. I type this all more calmly than usual. I am at peace with things now. I can accept this, and I can handle it. I have help, and I have the support I need to get over my friends.

My problem is that I care too much. Why I care so much about people that care so little about me, I don't know.

Pirke avot (sp?) says the following:

He who is easy to anger and easy to forgive: his loss is cancelled by his gain.

He who is hard to anger and hard to forgive: his gain is cancelled by his loss.

He who is hard to anger and easy to forgive is a saintly man.

He who is easy to anger and hard to forgive is a wicked man.

I am the last, but over the summer my goal is to be the third.

My other goal is to stop caring about those who don't care about me. Who needs them? I'm not saying stop caring all together, but how come I am surprised every time? For some reason I'm not as upset this time, but each time it happens a little piece of me is chipped away. What piece that is, I have no idea. It's a piece that cares, a piece that wants to remain friends through the summer and college, a piece that feels.

On another note, I had a really great time tonight, at Heather's surprise 16 Barbie-themed b-day party. Jamie and I went as lifeguard Barbie and Ken. I wore shorts that said "lifeguard" on the butt, and my bathing suit top, sunglasses, and a whistle. Jamie wore his black board short bathing suit + a beater + a whistle + my other pair of sunglasses. It was great. I didn't even need those people who weren't there. I had an awesome time with the people who were there. I will not let something stupid ruin my fun night.

I sort of want to just hang out with Jamie tonight.

So much for those letters. I don't think I'm writing them anymore.

Don't forget you.
Your plea.
No, I won't forget you,
Don't think I will.
But I'll regret you
And those months that
Were so wasted.
It goes beyond blindness.
You held me down...
But did you try
Or was I holding myself down?
You won't get off so easy.
I'm so torn...
Now is the perfect time to tell you
What I really think of you.
But boy, if ever there was a moot point,
This is it.
I don't think I care.
I can't regret everything,
Because you showed me what I never want again,
And next time I'll see the flags.

In other news, I had a great time tonight. I have found the most wonderful guy out there.

Once, I heard about my cousin's boyfriend, who loaded the dishwasher for her when he came over for dinner one night. I thought if I found a guy who did that, he'd definitely be a keeper.

I found a keeper, that's for sure.

I am so ashamed to be of the same sex as some of the girls I know. Women in this day and age...some of them disgust me. I mean, I have a different view on having sex at this age (although I am not) than I did at the beginning of the year. But to somewhat publicly announce that you want to be fucked...

That makes women look so bad.

Ok. Well, since my last post lots of bad things have happened.

But we had great weather for graduation. Yeah, it was humid and we were sweating a lot, but it was WAY better than the alternative (torrential downpours inc. thunder and lightning => graduation inside w/ stadium-quality lighting, which would've been AWWWWWWFUL!).

It doesn't feel real - graduating. Or, it didn't feel real. It's not like I'm in denial, or I'm awestruck. There's just so much buildup to something so short and easy. How was it so hard to get here? How did I work so much harder, or less harder than my classmates, and end up in the same place? I'll have to convince myself that a stupid gold pin in the shape of a cross that says "cum laude" on it is meaningless. Of course it's not, but I'll save that for another post.

I'm only awake now cause there's a damn click beetle in my room. And I got a barrage of IMs, which I'd like more if I wasn't so tired and my back didn't hurt so much.

I don't enjoy womanhood.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking hell.

I'm really shaken up. My mom and I were driving back from getting my hair cut and picking out the bouquet with Kat that we want for graduation, and we were going on a back street to get home. There was a truck with all this junk on it, stopped at a stop sign. It wasn't moving, so my mom figured it had broken down. Basically, the man driving had had a heart attack, and people had gotten out of the truck and a lady got out of the car in front of us and told us he was having a heart attack. They were trying to call 911 from their cell phones, but it wasn't working for some reason. They asked us to call 911, so I got out my cell phone and called, and got through, and told them to send an ambulence. After stopping for a minute, my mom decided to drive away, cause she said that when there's a problem, you should get away from it, esp. cause you being there just adds chaos.

We went to the farmer's market, and drove back and saw that an ambulence had come, and then we went home.

It was really scary. I hope the man's ok.

I'm less than 30 pages away from finishing my book....and I can't find it! I don't know where it went. Granted, I didn't look very hard...

The senior dinner thing tonight was really nice. The food was really good, they gave us silver picture frames with our initials and the date of our graduation inscribed in it, along with the SS logo. Then our parents did a skit. It was cute. My mom seemed really excited about it. :)

After that I came home for a little, then went to Katie's, where Tom S., some other boy (Matt, I think?), Brian B, Katie, and Jamie were. It was ok. I got in a really crabby mood for about half an hour when Jamie and I played pool. I just started sulking about how bad I am. I really am terrible. So how did I get three balls in a row one time? Some food came, though, and I cheered up.

My mom flipped out at me on the way to the dinner. It's so annoying; she won't stop harrassing me about getting a job. Listen, I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN APPLICATIONS, OK?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME???? Maybe O'Doodles will hire me. That could be a fun job. I would ride around the store on a scooter.

Other than that, tomorrow I have to get my hair cut, go to Robertson's with Kat to pick flowers for graduation, go to the dentist, and go to voice. And of course I want to do something tomorrow night. The dentist's gonna tell me I need my wisdom teeth pulled, but my orthodontist said they shouldn't be, b/c they're holding my other teeth in place. But he's evil, and I think I'm starting to trust my dentist more. Also, I have a cavity.

Online has become exceedingly boring to me. I don't get email, since I have a phone (although I enjoy having a phone more than I enjoy getting email). There aren't many people online that I talk to/feel like talking to (there are a few, though). I check my email and a few blogs when I come on, and then I'm left with nothing to do. For the past few days I've ended up playing text twist.

Now, off to go mess with my sleep cycle...

I got my housing stuff for next year. It came in the mail, and at first I didn't think it was anything, but turns out it was. I got the four bedroom quad I wanted, and it gave me the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the three other girls who will be my roommates. My mom kept saying "this must be exciting," but really it was just plain weird. I don't know how to feel about moving and living with complete strangers next year. I've never moved before, that I can remember, and I've definitely never lived with completely random people.

Woo hooo!!!! After a very close call, I got the first solo, the one I wanted, for the song Laurelei is singing at graduation! He had to hear Kate sing, and everyone kept saying "Deb on the second, Kate on the first." But I wanted the first one. I started to warm up to the second one, cause it's pretty, but then he said he wanted me on the first and Kate on the second. Something about how I sang the D flat (or was it D sharp?...) nicely. It's scary, because the first solo is just the one voice. No backup or anything. But I'm excited. The second one has backup music, and it'll be awesome to start the song out.

:-D

Done! I am offically finished. He terminado! I had my senior project presentation today, which I thought went really well, and now, aside from Laurelei rehearsals and other various rehearsals, I'm finished!! What an awesome feeling. :-D

Mr. Daugherty gave me a hug today after the Laurelei rehearsal. He said, again, that he's so glad I got into chambers this year, and that he's been trying to flunk me so I'll have to stay back, but they won't let him. I hope I get the first solo to the graduation song. It's so pretty. It's also stuck in my head right now.

I'm feeling a little like Holden Caulfield.

I'm ready to make some sweeping generalizations. For one, I hate when people are vague. Just say what the hell you're thinking.

And to those of you who just loooooove trying to make me out to be a hypocrite, I'm aware that this one's hypocrisy.

Fuck off. And have a magical day.

Sr. project presentation tomorrow. Come watch, I'm in the afternoon block. After that, I'll be done until graduation and song night, etc. Kind of, at least.

I do feel a lot better, after talking to Meghan.

We'll see what happens.

Part of me screams to say everything. Part of me says it'll fall on deaf ears. Leave it alone.

I'm not as selfish.

Sometimes, I fucking hate metaphors.

I should have seen The Matrix with my mom last night.

Maybe power goes to people's heads.

Thank God I have my own blog. Fine. Since I have "my own outlet..."

I hate being a pity invite. An afterthought. That's not what I wanted at all.

Ok. Cool. I posted something on chortles and Nick fucking deleted it.

It was about being an afterthought, a pity invite. And I wasn't blaming Tom. I just said "Tom....you and I need to talk." Simply so I could clarify that I didn't want to be invited. I wanted to thank him for at least calling me earlier. God.

Fuck chortles. Now I can't even be a part of it if I want to, because it's fucking censored.

Categorically one of the worst nights of recent times.

Again, there's a song called Smile, by the band Lagwagon.

Right now, I fucking hate my life.

Saw The Matrix Reloaded last night. Eh. It was good, but didn't live up to my expectations.

In other news, I wish my friends would just tell me straight up that they're doing something tonight to which I am not invited, as opposed to fucking trying to hide it from me. And then some of them (well, I wouldn't actually call these ones my friends) sit there and talk about it openly. How fucking unsensitive can you be? It's not that I want to go, I don't even like him. But, God.

THIS IS WHY I ONLY EVER DO STUFF WITH JAMIE. THIS IS EXACTLY IT. The one night I plan to do something with everyone...nope.

Fine. Fuck this. It's me and my beau and none of you from now on.

We'll see if the last person calls.

So it's like I have SO much to say, all these stories to tell, and now that I have to write my final journal entry, consisting of 300 - 500 words, I don't know what to say. Bummer.

I'm actually sad it's gonna be over. I want to go back and visit some time, and see how everyone's doing.

Haha. My daily fortune today says "Are you going out dressed like THAT?"

Yes, yes I am.

I went out in the fashion taboo combo of brown and black. My cleaning lady, Bea, said it looked fine, though, so it was alright.

Today was a good day. We took about eight residents to the Spaghetti Warehouse, and I got fetuccini alfredo. It's like eating a boulder, but yummier. After that we did some golfing back in the assisted living section (today is Senior Fitness Day [and I don't mean senior in high school]), followed by a fun game of volleyball, played with a balloon, while everyone but me was seated. Man, they wore me out.

Ok. You're gonna laugh.

I showered in my grandparents' room tonight, and I went out into the almost pitch black foyer. I thought I could kinda see where I was going, but apparently not. You know how some walls have corners that jut out? Like if the wall is going straight, and then goes back, so there's a corner? I can't really explain it very well. Well, I stubbed my toe on the corner. And I also stubbed my head. It really hurt, and there's a bump. Hopefully the bruise I'm sure I'll get won't be too bad. It's to the right of and parallel to the scar I have from another run-in with a corner, though that run-in was someone else's doing.

And now, to bed.

I said the mood was weird, not neccesarily bad, though. Just to clarify.

I lied. I didn't read when I came home. I played with my NEW PHONE. Also, I got a new computer today. Well, yesterday, technically. All in all, not a bad day. It could have had more Jamie, though.

The end of the year, as I previously thought, would be the ideal time to tell everyone what I think of them. I wouldn't need to see them over the summer, and I wouldn't see them in college. But tonight I realized that the end of the year, though it is the perfect time to tell people my thoughts, it's the time to just let things be. To leave things alone.

I'm not gonna lie: it sucks to be a 18, with a senior license, and have to be home by 11:30 on a Saturday night.

But tonight was fun.

But I missed Jamie. A lot. I mean, cowering with Rachel and Heather was nice....but not as nice as cuddling with James. We saw The Ring. I'd previously seen half an hour of it, and rewound and returned it when Jamie had to leave. I was not about to watch it by myself. It was kinda scary, the worst was stuff jumping out at you and gory dead people faces and bodies. I could make it, though. Half of it was just weird shit pasted together in a slipshod manner. But it was an alright movie, though I don't want to see it again.

After the movie we hung out in Katie's room, and I had one of my infamous laughing fits. It was great.

I hope Jamie's having fun at the lake.

So. No cellphone yet. I want the phone Jamie has, I know it. It's just a matter of convincing my mom it's the best one. Also no computer, though we did spend the entire morning at the mall at a Dell kiosk looking at computers. What a pain.

But I made a deal with my mom that if I get a PC instead of a notebook (b/c the PCs are cheaper) I'll definitely be getting a phone. We even shook on it.

But we did go to Radio Shack, where we bought a new answering machine and a surge protector for the computer I don't have.

I need to get out of the habit of being tired at midnight.

This is freaky, and I mean it.

I'M GETTING A CELLPHONE TOMORROW!!! AND A COMPUTER ALSO!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Reading over old posts. I will read through this entire blog. It will take a while, guaran-damn-tee you that.

Sometimes when I talk to new people, my voice starts to sound foreign to me. Stupid, and weird, etc. I have three months to get over this, so I can make friends in college.

Abs of steel? HELL NAW!

Abs of flab all the way, baby!

As my horroscope in the metro accurately stated today, "your plans to go out after dark might not work." And no, they didn't. My plans to work out were vetoed by my mom. Alas, alack.

Today was alright. I almost saw an old man cry, but I diverted him with some soda.

We went to Mexico today. Sort of...

The piñata ended up looking like an egg with a winking face, wearing a sombrero. It was cute, but obviously well crafted, because one of the housekeeping women had to whack it many times before it broke open. :-D I have the whacked-open piñata.

Tonight I had dinner at Jamie's. His grandmother was there (the spunky one), and she made dinner. It was very good. It was also her birthday, so there was cake. :) His grandmother is sooo cute. When I got to his house she gave me a hug. It was adorable.

No one interesting is online. Bah. Humbug.

Notes to self:

Talk to Kat about flowers for grad.

EVALUATION FORM?? Ask. Mrs. Allen/Mrs. Rorer, give to Theresa

Call Mrs. Allen - visiting? Check up.

Work out

Camera to project

Classifieds on train

Hand in service slip with sr. proj. stuff

I'm really liking this book Debra gave me. I'll just randomly start thinking about it - I'm dying to know what happens next. I'm on p 107 or thereabouts. Not only do I want to know who really killed Emily, but I want to know what's gonna happen next with Chris, everything. Melanie tried to run him over!!! BAHHH!!!!!

I don't know why my blog didn't post my last entry.

I can't wait for my project to be over! Not that I don't like it....but.... I'm still gonna be happy to be done.

I need to look for a summer job. Know anyone who needs a worker?

I find it interesting, truly interesting, that someone I've known for about 7 months knows me so well, and someone I've known for 5 years does not. The things I consider to be the most basic things about me. You'd think 5 years would give one some sort of insight into them, some knowledge about them. Buuuuut...I guess if you think that, you'd be wrong.

I don't know who I thought would be online right now, but my grandfather has something he wants me to type and all I want to do is go to bed. I still have to brush my teeth and dry my hair. I feel like reading my autobiography, but I guess that can wait since I know what happens. Har. Har.

"A while" is two words. A. While. Not "awhile."

The people in the nursing home threw lots of things today. One woman threw her cookie. One spat on the floor. One threw a cup of water across a table. Oh fun.

All in all it wasn't a bad day, plus I got to visit James.

I AM THE FREAKING STUBBORN MULE, ok?!

Geez. Really, to you I dedicate "If You Don't Know Me By Now." What a special honor, huh? Honour.

Alright day today. A woman named Yetta and I did some quality collaging today. She was very cute. I also got this woman, Mary, who always goes "nuuuurrrrrrseeeeee" to stop screaming nurse by asking her to sing along with Frank Sinatra.

:)

Oh, my wisdom:

"you can't persuade a stubborn mule to move by pushing it."

Clocked at about 12:28 a.m.

I'm the mule, if you didn't get it.

The difference this time is that I'm not pining. I'm not spending my time thinking about & being upset about how I'm disconnected. I just don't care. And I don't feel as disconnected as before. It's not like that really alone feeling. It's just the....not as close as we were feeling.

My friend Rachel is really unselfish.

Really, I worry. Well...maybe it's not a worry, more of a forecast. A prediction. A doubt. I doubt I'll keep many (if any) of my friends from high school once I'm in college. Not because I don't want to. Because we'll drift. Because, hell, we've drifted already, and we're still going to the same high school. I really don't feel connected. And for once I don't know that I'm sad. It is time. It is time to move on. Maybe it has been for a while, but I was reluctant to let go. Not that I don't have fun when I hang out with them. But really...well....you know. No, you don't. But I do. Some drift because of one reason, some because of another. Sex, drugs, and rock & roll. Mostly the first two.

Maybe wedges are there for a reason. That moldy cheese I spoke of so long ago...it was blue cheese. Not that I want to eat it. But it's not all bad. It'll serve its purpose. It'll make parting all the more easier. And let me tell you, I hate thinking like this, but it may just work out better in the end.

* * * * *

While I was brushing my teeth, I looked at my tube of toothpaste. I saw the word "Anticavity." It reminded me, for some reason, of the Incubus song - Antigravity. It's quite a good song, and I doubt you've heard it. But all I could think was

"Making sure to laugh
While we experience
Anticavity..."

Today was good. I just couldn't post, in the same entry, about my day, after being all weird. They needed to be separate posts.

We made a piñata today. Well...kind of. It will be a piñata by Wed. afternoon. Right now it's a balloon with many layers of glue/watered newspaper strips on it, and strings so it can hang. But it will be a piñata. Soon.

We interrupt this program to announce...I WIN! I WIN!!

After visiting Jamie and coming home for dinner, I worked out! WOO HOO! I did the EFX for 25 min including cooldown. Something like 2.8 miles and 280something cal. Which really isn't that good, when you think about how a bag of skittles is about 210 cal. Then I did the row (2 sets of 10 reps, to be really specific), lat pulldown, tricep stuff, bicep curls (I feel so weak using 10 lbs. I used to use 15), and some other machine thing for deltoids. After that I did crunches, including this cool new stomach exercise Alison (C.) showed me. Not that I look toned. I think the plan is gonna be to work out tomorrow night and Thursday night, and Sat & Sun. I'm gonna go a little overboard to try to make up for the working out I haven't done in the past month. Hopefully it won't be so much that I hurt myself. I don't plan on that. Just so that I can get back in shape, like how I was for Eddie's last pool party (yes, I've gotten fatter since then...no, I'm not saying I'm fat, just larger than before).

The ultimate ultimate goal is to not eat so much junkfood, and to do stomach exercises every day.

Going back to my last post...another reason I hate thinking about deep, meaningful stuff is because I don't want to fall into that black hole. Once I start, it's so hard to stop. I'd rather just not start at all.

There are things I can't fathom, and then there are things I don't attempt to fathom.

I tend to lean on the side of not thinking philosophically. This is my way of making up for those who waste so much time thinking about, pondering about, and questioning life. No, I really don't see a point in questioning it all. Because every second you spend questioning, you're missing out on something.

I don't need a picture of millions of other stars and galaxies to make me feel insignificant. I can look out the window of a plane or a car and feel insignificant. I can watch people I know accomplish stupendous things, and feel insignificant.

I can't put my finger on what I do and don't like about my religion. I'm not atheist, but I'm not religious either. I'm proud of my religion, and I wouldn't want to be another.

The question I ask is "why ask why?"

Some people are so unsuspecting. I can take the train and look at people and realize that they could be a chemist or a bum or a famous english playwright or....they could be anything.

That makes me feel insignificant. I can get in a mood, the kind I'm in right now, and feel insignificant just thinking about books. All the books that have been published. All the words. When I drive and I see other cars and I think how they don't give a second thought to me as they drive past.

I will not give in, I will not give in. I will not IM first. I don't IM, remember? There is only one I will IM first.

It's like my squinty-eyed mood, but with a twist of lime.

Things that happen when your mind wanders. I see why my grandfather reads all the time. If my mind were left to wander...well, I don't think I'd ever find it again.

Hey!!! I totally forgot to mention that the 17th was my one year anniversary with my blog! That's a pretty long time blogging. Happy anniversary, blog. I think I'll keep you through college. I may have to start archiving it monthly so the archives don't take up so much space on the main page. I don't want a seperate archives page, because I changed it from that when I first got the blog, cause I hated it.

Maybe, to reminisce, I'll read through all my old posts. It's so much fun to do that.

The Laurelei/Hilltones/Chambers concert was tonight. It went sooo well. I had the solo for Torn! I'm sad cause it's probably the only time I'll ever get to sing it. It was ok...I mean I'm critical of myself, of course, but I suppose I liked it...I kinda wanna use it as a demo to try to get into OTB.

I kinda feel like maybe I didn't do a good job, cause not that many people congratulated me.

But I had that solo, a trio for These Are Days, beat boxing for Mmm Bop, That's Just The Way It Is, and Send Me On My Way. Things that make me happy.

I'm happy my senior project is almost over.

Everyone was really sad that this was our last concert. I was happy because it was a fun concert. And it's not like I'll never get to do this stuff in college (I hope!!). And hey, maybe I'll go back and watch, and they'll invite me up to sing. Maybe just maybe.

James is gonna be away next weekend. I'm not happy about this.

So they're out seeing The Matrix: Reloaded now. Actually, it's probably just ending now. Maybe they're watching the credits or the last couple minutes. James is probably sleeping. I finished watching MIIB, which we rented but didn't finish (as usual) b/c his dad came and got him at 11.

I was upstairs and heard him arguing with his dad on the phone about when he was getting picked up. He said this night was a total let down. How can it be a total let down when we got to spend four hours together? I know he wanted to see The Matrix; so did I! We couldn't even rent the original b/c it was all out. But it wasn't a bust. Please, if you think I'm gonna be upset that I got some genuine alone time with him, you're mistaken.

I sound nothing like my old self. I hope that self never comes back.

And did I mention? I GOT THE SOLO FOR TORN!!!! WOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!

Something's wrong with my eye, or with my contact. The vision in my right eye has been blurry for the past couple days. But only when I wear my contacts (not with my glasses). I hope it goes away when I change them.

Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles...

I worked out today!! Hoorah!! I did the EFX for 24 min. including cool down. And you know what? It only burned about 280 calories. It was something like 2.71 miles. It was so nice, though. Then I did weights and crunches. Ahhh, I am happy now. If only my stomach would look like...well, like it did a couple months ago. I swear...since Eddie's pool party it's been a steady decline.

I know that seems so superficial, but I just feel less healthy when I don't work out. Sluggish. And all I want to do is eat more.

I have to be careful now, so I can be alright when I'm old.

Old. I don't want to get old. One of the old women was being mean, and she said something about another old woman. She said "that's why God punished her." The woman she was referring to has a sort of hunchback, and I feel really bad for her. She's nice and all...and the woman who said that about her was just being mean...but it was such an awful thing to say.

I hope I'm not angry all the time when I'm old. But I hope I live long enough that that is a legitimate worry for me. Because the alternative to being old really sucks.

One of the worst things ever is when I start to fall asleep while sitting up (at the computer), and I start to fall over.

I don't know what to do with myself, because I have no homework. No work at all...so I've started reading! ::GASP!:: I'm on p. 17 of the book Debra gave me for my birthday, called The Pact. [noted inconsistency, for italicized book title a few entries down...] It's suspenseful, and I can't handle it! I want to know who shot Emily! I don't have patience!!!! It's good, though.

I've also been watching TV (hence, D's Creek). Maybe I'll work out tomorrow. That's what I say every day. I'm really blubbing, and I mean it. In my stomfat. I mean...stomach. I can't help eating like a pig, and yesterday, when I was going to work out, I stood up after dinner and had a horrible headache. And tonight I had Laurelei. And I am the excuse Princess (my grandmother is the queen...they call her The Great Excuse Maker). I just need to get back in shape...May is the wrong time to gain weight. I managed to work out all winter. Geez. I feel so lousy about myself. I have no self control and no willpower. This blows.

Someone threaten me to go to the gym. I think I need someone to physically pick me up and drag me there and make me work out.

So...I don't post on the community blog anymore. I just don't like the dydndddddsssndydys or whatever the hell it is. I don't like the method of posting and the titles and the commenting system and I especially don't like the fact that there's some other crazy page of the FULL posts that you have to go to in order to read extended posts or some comments. It's just a pain in the ass, man.

Laurelei rehearsal wasn't bad. As per usual, I doth protest too much. But I know that about myself. I got there about 15 minutes late. I went to school when I got home from my project to see if Jamie was still there from track. I sent Jeff into the boys' locker room to look for him, then I asked Monty, and then another boy told me that he'd left already. :( But I may or may not have seen him later. ;) I volunteered to sing the solo for Torn, just as a trial run, and Meghan said it sounded good. I'd like that solo. I also want some form of a solo in Wide Open Spaces. The thing with Torn is that if I have a solo, I can't beat box. Gosh, what to do when you're so multifaceted! Haha..

Rachel and I are now having a deep discussion about the final episode of Dawson's Creek. I'll admit it...there were some really sad parts, and I cried.

I never really go for the overrated friends forever, soulmates, in lovey dovey kind of thing. I dunno...Pacey and Joey ended up together, and that's how I thought it should've been.

But here I am, pathetically discussing a stupid TV show. Alas.

My computer is making a high-pitched screeching sound and I think I'm going deaf. It's time to get off.

Listen, I know I need to learn to pick my battles. But lately, one of the battles I've picked is the battle of dinner at 6. For some reason, everyone and their grandmother feels the need to schedule things during this time. Laurelei rehearsal tomorrow night has been rescheduled from starting at 7 to starting at 6, all so people can go to a Phillies game. I understand they want to go see Hilltones sing, but it's fucking dinner time, and I want to eat at my house. If it's starting at 6 but everyone is eating at 6 and doesn't start singing until 6:30 or 7, then why not start it then? Laurelei isn't the only thing that's scheduled then....there was the carmina rehearsal, Players (although I don't mind with Players, and I know it'll be at 6 during Hell Week), and various other things. Come on, people. Just understand, then, that I'll be late.

Devon doesn't even show up at all. I'll grace them with my presence (haha) when I'm done eating dinner.

I am officially done having to know things until September. It's the nicest feeling - knowing that I can watch TV at night and go online, with nothing nagging me. No homework, and no studying. My chem AP exam was today. It was awful. The multiple choice wasn't great, but it wasn't horrifically (sp?) heinous. The net ionics were easy. The short answers killed me. All of them. The equilibrium was terrible. I answered parts a and b, and guessed part e. D and c I left blank. There was one about organic substances which was the easiest short answer. There was one with bunches of random thinking questions, which was pretty bad, and the lab one was about absorbance. It was also pretty bad. I have no idea what Beers Law is. AND I DON'T CARE! I don't have to care! It's so awesome.

I finished Catcher In The Rye today. I liked some part at the end..I folded down the page b/c I mean to quote it..but not now. That requires the effort of getting up.

Today at my projcet, they were playing Bingo. Vicki was calling out the numbers, when this one woman who lives there (the one who one day was screaming "nuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssseeeeee" in the hall) started repeating the numbers & letters after Vicki said them. So Vicki gave the woman the mic she'd been using, and had the woman repeat all the numbers. From my explanation you really can't understand how hilarious it was. I was crying from laughing so hard.

On another note, I'm out of arts & crafts ideas. Anyone have any?

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I don't miss you, really. We have nothing in common, and nothing to talk about. I lost you a long time ago.

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In fact, I don't miss anyone from my class. The dinner Monday pretty much sucked, and it ended up being Meghan and Rachel talking with each other, and...I dunno. I was sitting next to Kat but we weren't really talking.

Note to self: Talk to Kat about flowers for graduation.

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I got to eat lunch with Jamie. I'm gonna miss him. One of the unforseen advantages (as in, unforseen when I decided to apply to Penn) of going to college so close to home is that I don't have to end my relationship. I can keep it. Sure it'll be hard, but nothing like being in different states (although I worry that being in college while he's in HS will seem like different states...worlds...). I know we can handle it. I found something wayy to good to let go.