Poetry Thursday

Since music is my passion and the lyrics to songs can be considered poems, this "poem" is the lyrics to the song Make Yourself by Incubus.

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'd have fallen apart by now
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow
Bow, aww yeah

If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them fuck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, they'll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray

You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I'll fuck me my own way
POW, fuck me in my own way
POW, fuck me in my own way
POW, fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way

You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

i am my happiest me in newport. i miss it there. i miss being away from anything and everything that could trouble me. i miss the beach and the sand and the ocean which was so warm and glorious.

they installed swings and monkey bars on the beach, and i finally utilized them on our second to last day there. i had a moment on the swings. while i was swinging i looked through the chains until they disappeared and i could see only the blue sky with the beautiful white cumulous clouds, followed only by the sand below my feet. but no chains. just beautiful newport. just the beach in all its simplicity, reminding me what's important in life and asking me to take a deep breath of it in before it was too late. i breathed deeper than i've ever breathed. i tried to encapsulate some of it in my core. i inhaled the refreshing beach air so deep in the hopes that part of it would never leave me. if i could only capture the essence of the beach, of newport, in my soul, everything would be ok, right? because newport means it's ok. newport means it's great. it means life is beautiful, and how can i forget it up there?

the sky does the most amazing things in newport. the clouds practically speak to you with their beauty. "look at me," they say. "just look. how can anything be wrong in the world when we are lit up in the most brilliant pinks and oranges and blues and purples?" they dance around each other like light, airy brush strokes from the most brilliant painter. the sunset clouds in newport move me, and at the same time they paralyze me with their beauty.

the stars. the stars have the same effect as the clouds. looking at the stars at night, glancing up at the constellations that are visible only in the absence of ambient light, i can take another deep breath. they're still there. even the dimmest stars glow bright in the midnight blue sky. it's out there - the atmosphere. it has us.

sometimes i think i sleep deeper in newport than anywhere else. it's as if the sky and all its stars wrap me up in a cocoon of comfort, of complete relaxation. my mind is free to wander, to explore its depths without fear or shame. i don't need to understand it, and i don't need to worry. the vastness is safety. the world is at peace with itself in newport, and it is because of this that i am at peace as well. newport reassures me that my fears and my challenges will be met and overcome. newport reminds me that i am strong and capable. it represents everything that is right with the world. it represents everything i can accomplish if my mind is in the right place, if i believe in myself. and why should i not believe in myself? newport asks me this question even though it knows the answer. newport believes in me, because the world is beautiful and as part of the world i am beautiful too. and if newport believes, it must be right. newport cannot be wrong.

soo i'm in newport. and it's raining. please, give me break.

i've never been so against going back to school.

reasons i don't want to go back include:
- don't want to start school work
- don't want to get a real job or jobs
- don't want to see certain people
- don't want the people i've been having so much fun with over summer to go back to their respective schools
- not particularly excited to start otb
- definitely don't want this to be my last year of college... i don't want to spend the whole year thinking every thing is my last fill in the blank of college
- too much pressure to figure out my life = scary shit

yep.

on a positive note...

summer is not over yet. every day better be fucking awesome, or as close to it as possible.

Btw... on the drive up here yesterday the tire blew on the car in front of me while I was driving. It was pretty much one of the scariest, if not the scariest, driving experiences I've ever had. I didn't even have time to think while it was happening. All I knew was there was a loud noise followed by large pieces of tire flying at my car. I slowed down and avoided them without swerving or getting rear ended or crashing into any other cars. It took me about ten minutes to calm down afterwards, though, because when I was able to think about what had just happened...it was pretty fucking scary.

Ok, time to go shopping or something.

finally posting this...

First New York. Soon Newport (again). Only places with "new" in their names. I think I had forgotten how awesome new experiences are. Last year I developed habits (some good, some bad) that I just fell into and loved. I didn't want the new experiences that came with a change. I guess I just forgot how great meeting new people is. Not that I didn't meet new people, and not that I didn't have a great time with the people I was with last year. But I am meeting all kinds of people I might not have otherwise met and they are a lot of fun.

I've been meaning to write about my trip to NY, so here goes:

Thursday:

Took the 2 o'clock Chinatown bus. Only $12, which was great, and it wasn't crowded so I got two seats to myself. When I got to NY's Chinatown I was accosted by a bunch of asian women asking where I was going. I assumed they were trying to get me on another bus somewhere but I wasn't sure so I just walked past them. Eventually I found a cab after wandering a bit, and I had him drop me off at 21st and 2nd Ave. I found a Starbucks and hung out there for a few hours, since my bag was really too heavy to carry around. I managed to entertain myself with sudoku, my magazine, my ipod and lots of people watching for about three hours. I felt pretty cool for being in a Starbucks in New York, mostly because I had gotten myself there without getting lost or overwhelmed or having any problems. As I was about to go to a diner Ziyaad called me and said he was out of work, so we trekked up the 17 flights of stairs to his room (the elevators were out) and then went to dinner together.

Rina came over to Ziyaad's for about an hour and we hung out before Ziyaad and I and a friend of his went out. Laurent and a friend of his met up with us, and it was a good time. After being out we went back to Z's friend's place for a bit, then Z and I went back to his dorm and trudged up those stairs. He let me sleep on the top bunk of his bunk bed while he slept on the floor which was pretty nice of him.

Friday:

Z took my bag to work with him so I didn't have to carry it around with me all day (I wouldn't be able to get back in his dorm w/o him). I left his place around 1 and found myself a little diner for brunch. After that I walked up 3rd Ave, heading for 34th street where the woman who worked at the diner told me there was shopping. On my way I stopped at a thrift store where I got two shirts and a belt that I bargained down from $7 to $4. Walking the streets of New York by myself was so fun. I loved all the people that were out, I loved how lively it was. I found some great shopping on 34th street, where I bought leggings (yes, awful, I know...but I actually like them..), a cool shirt that looks like a kimono, and some other stuff. After that I went to the most glorious three story H&M. I was, and still am, in awe of how glorious it was. Picked up my bag from Z's friend at work, Zach got me at a starbucks I found, we got Joe, went back to Joe's place.

Around 10 Joe, Zach, Joe's friend and I went to dinner at a Japanese place where we ordered a feast and some sake. It was great. After dinner we met up with some of Joe's friends at a bar where we played foosball. Not really sure what time we got back to Joe's. I slept on the couch in Joe's hall and Zach slept on the floor. The couch was pretty comfy.

Saturday:

Joe had to work so Snack and I got brunch at a diner, then started walking towards where we thought the city was. After walking about 40 minutes out of our way, I realized we went the wrong way so we turned around. We met up with Joe for a few minutes, he went back to his place to nap, we took the subway to go to the empire state building. The wait was 2 1/2 hours. If we had known this when we got there we definitely wouldn't have waited, but I was glad we did when we got to the top. It was pretty awesome being so much higher than everything else in the city. The view was beautiful and I took a ton of pictures, but I didn't throw any pennies over the side. Zach noticed from up there that there were more cabs driving in the streets than real cars.

Since we were pretty tired after our waiting escapade we ordered chinese for dinner and didn't leave Joe's place til about midnight, and when we left we found a bar that had beirut. Laurent and Parker met us there, and again a good time was had by all. Except for when I was playing against some total asshole who I may or may not have yelled at, because he was making the game not fun.

Sunday:

Lunch with Joe, Zach and their friend Kevin who went to college with them when I was still in hs. Talladega Nights after that. Hilarious. Zach almost stayed because Kevin wanted him to go out that night, but fortunately he drove me back. On the way back he drove a good 30 miles out of the way, so our trip back took longer than expected, but was fine other than that

so i'm going up to newport even though i don't really want to. it's what my mom and i planned so it's what we're doing. i hope we come back on monday and not a wednesday. i hope it's nice weather, because i won't mind getting beached out again. i hope my cold goes away up there, and i hope someone can come up and visit me..

leaving for nyc in a few minutes. let's hope i get there, and that i can figure out how to navigate the big apple.

I am completely unable to pack lightly. I've always had this problem, and I think I get it from my mom. When I go somewhere for more than a night I consider everything I might need. What if I get an upset stomach? Better bring pepto bismol. What if it's cold? Better bring an extra layer (I was known for always having a change of clothes in high school). I think of all the things I may or may not need, and end up trying to bring them all, even when I know deep down that I could get by with just one outfit, a toothbrush and contact lens solution for three days if I really had to. I thought I was doing a good job packing for ny, but now all my stuff won't fit in the duffel bag I'm bringing. I could probably squeeze everything in there, but I need to keep it light since I may end up walking all over tarnation lugging this bag, potentially with a backache. So now I have to go back and meticulously comb through what I already meticulously packed and get rid of stuff I probably won't wear or won't use. This is not a complaint, mind you. I'm excited to go to ny and I know I can eliminate some stuff, so I'll figure it out. It's just hard to be a serial overpacker.

Today I'm packing for NYC. I'm pretty excited for it. I'm gonna take the bus some time tomorrow, stay with Ziyaad tomorrow night, then stay with Joe Fri and Sat. Zach may or may not come up for the weekend. I'll also get to see Rina tomorrow night, hopefully, and I might see Eric tomorrow too. Eric told me Muse is playing tomorrow night and I'd love to see them, but it's sold out and I'll have my duffel bag with me til Z gets off work and lets me in his dorm. But we'll see, because that would be amazing.