i was sitting on a bench waiting for my train today reading harry potter and the goblet of fire. the jamaican woman next to me interrupted me to ask, "is it true that every time you read that book a little bit of magic happens?" i looked at her for a second. my first reaction was to scoff in her face and say "are you kidding me? did you really just say that?" at a loss for words, all i could really say was "maybe..." she went on to say that every time you read harry potter, maybe you float a little bit off your seat. she said she doesn't read it, that she doesn't let her kids read it. i told her it's pretty entertaining and then, because i felt pretty uncomfortable, i went back to reading.
it really is very good. the closest i've come to experiencing magic because i read harry potter is the dream i had about it last night.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
i realized why i text a lot. really it was more a realization about myself and how i am/have always been that manifests itself in part with me texting a lot.
there is a picture of me from third grade standing on stage at one of our holiday assemblies. i am talking to the girl next to me. i was always talking to the girl next to me in assemblies, on stage or not. i was frequently scolded in classes for talking. in fact, ryan and sam got in trouble in eleventh grade chem class because I was always talking to them. suffice it to say, i have always been the chatty kid wanting to know what my neighbor was doing, rather than pay attention to the techer/lesson/assembly/whatever.
really i think it is a characteristic of a kid with ADD. can't sit still, always has to be talking to someone. it's just that whenever i have a thought or whenever something interesting happens i want to tell someone. right. then. and texting just makes it so easy!!
there is a picture of me from third grade standing on stage at one of our holiday assemblies. i am talking to the girl next to me. i was always talking to the girl next to me in assemblies, on stage or not. i was frequently scolded in classes for talking. in fact, ryan and sam got in trouble in eleventh grade chem class because I was always talking to them. suffice it to say, i have always been the chatty kid wanting to know what my neighbor was doing, rather than pay attention to the techer/lesson/assembly/whatever.
really i think it is a characteristic of a kid with ADD. can't sit still, always has to be talking to someone. it's just that whenever i have a thought or whenever something interesting happens i want to tell someone. right. then. and texting just makes it so easy!!
i haven't really had an appetite in the past few days. despite this fact i've been eating a lot. i have been eating out of sheer boredom, and sometimes at work i will just start to think about eating some snacks, not cause i'm hungry but because docketing is not the MOST exciting thing ever. then i will try to resist since i'm not actually hungry, but after a few minutes i'm like ahhhh screw it, and i eat whatever it was (not healthy, usually) i was fighting against. i am hoping that once i move into the city things will be different. i can join a gym (i think i already wrote about this...) and go home for lunch, etc.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
This morning, listening to the businessmen on the elevator with me, I realized how young I still am. One woman asked a man if he was coming in late today. He said this was his regular time, actually. He had to drive one of his children to school and drop the other one off at his mothers', so he couldn't come in early. The doors opened at the 15th floor, and he got off. Between 15 and 16 I couldn't help but listen to the conversation this man had sparked between two other men. "I remember when we used to come in at 7, 7:30. Once school starts that all changes, though." The doors opened at the 16th floor and I got off, thinking to myself how different my life was from these people's. My first thought was my life will never be like that. I will never go to work at 7 a.m., but then have to change my schedule once school starts up for my kid(s). Then I thought, if my life ever is like that, I couldn't be farther from it now. I laughed to myself a little as I enjoyed the fact that I don't have to worry about driving children to school, supporting a family, or going in to work at 7 a.m.
Later in the day one of the attorney's wives was in with their three month old child, who was crying because she was tired/hungry/had wet herself/who really knows. One of the women I work with has three kids. The other has two, I believe. My life couldn't be farther from their lives.
Lately I've been thinking about older people. Did they act the way I act now when they were my age? Do they look at me disapprovingly now because I am much worse than they are? By "worse" I speak in terms of dressing more provocatively than what they think is proper, or doing other things they might consider improper. Or did they do it too? Are they looking at me thinking, I remember being that age. I wonder if she behaves the way I used to behave...? If they do look down on me, is it because the generational gap? Is it because the older generations had a completely different set of rules to live by? And if this is it, when I am old (assuming I have my health for that long), will I look at the youngsters disapprovingly too, or will I wonder if they act the way I used to act?
Later in the day one of the attorney's wives was in with their three month old child, who was crying because she was tired/hungry/had wet herself/who really knows. One of the women I work with has three kids. The other has two, I believe. My life couldn't be farther from their lives.
Lately I've been thinking about older people. Did they act the way I act now when they were my age? Do they look at me disapprovingly now because I am much worse than they are? By "worse" I speak in terms of dressing more provocatively than what they think is proper, or doing other things they might consider improper. Or did they do it too? Are they looking at me thinking, I remember being that age. I wonder if she behaves the way I used to behave...? If they do look down on me, is it because the generational gap? Is it because the older generations had a completely different set of rules to live by? And if this is it, when I am old (assuming I have my health for that long), will I look at the youngsters disapprovingly too, or will I wonder if they act the way I used to act?
Does love make people crazy? Or is it just that crazy people are the ones who fall in love? Can love make us do anything, including things a person thinking "logically" would never do? If someone's girlfriend breaks up with him and he says he considered hurting himself is it because love made him crazy or because he was prone to these thoughts and this behavior from the start?
Our legal system has special rules when it comes to love. There are such things as "crimes of passion," where if a woman catches her husband in bed with another woman and kills them both, she may get a lighter sentence than someone who just killed two people in cold blood. Is our legal system in fact saying that love makes us crazy, that it makes us lose control over ourselves enough that we could commit an act as heinous as murder? As such, do those in love deserve special treatment when they are betrayed or hurt? Do they deserve sympathy and understanding, even when they break the law?
If love does make people do crazy things, or if it has that potential, does that mean that if a person is not thinking crazy thoughts or doing crazy things that they are not in love? Does being in love automatically mean someone starts to act a little more off the wall, that they lose some of the grip they used to have on themselves? Does it mean they walk around all day with stars in their eyes, listening to birds chirping and stopping to smell the roses all day long? Do you have to do crazy things or think illogical thoughts to know you are in love? What is it that makes you know, anyway?
Maybe being in love means that you are allowing your emotions to step in sometimes. That you don't always have to be in control, that you are willing to give a part of you to someone else to hold in their hand, knowing that if they close their hand too hard they can crush you, but trusting them not to. Maybe your emotions are not clouding your judgment and blocking your logic, but rather are just more present and more deep than they would otherwise be, if you weren't in love.
Love is a strong word. Copeland says love is a fast song. What do you say love is?
Our legal system has special rules when it comes to love. There are such things as "crimes of passion," where if a woman catches her husband in bed with another woman and kills them both, she may get a lighter sentence than someone who just killed two people in cold blood. Is our legal system in fact saying that love makes us crazy, that it makes us lose control over ourselves enough that we could commit an act as heinous as murder? As such, do those in love deserve special treatment when they are betrayed or hurt? Do they deserve sympathy and understanding, even when they break the law?
If love does make people do crazy things, or if it has that potential, does that mean that if a person is not thinking crazy thoughts or doing crazy things that they are not in love? Does being in love automatically mean someone starts to act a little more off the wall, that they lose some of the grip they used to have on themselves? Does it mean they walk around all day with stars in their eyes, listening to birds chirping and stopping to smell the roses all day long? Do you have to do crazy things or think illogical thoughts to know you are in love? What is it that makes you know, anyway?
Maybe being in love means that you are allowing your emotions to step in sometimes. That you don't always have to be in control, that you are willing to give a part of you to someone else to hold in their hand, knowing that if they close their hand too hard they can crush you, but trusting them not to. Maybe your emotions are not clouding your judgment and blocking your logic, but rather are just more present and more deep than they would otherwise be, if you weren't in love.
Love is a strong word. Copeland says love is a fast song. What do you say love is?
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
"My life story" written by kindergarden or first grade me:
I was born in a hospital on March 14th in the winter. I was a good baby and Uncle Sidney changed my diaper sometimes. When my mommy wanted to feed me, I pushed the spoon away. I went to nursery school and they had gold sand inside the classroom. And I grew up and went to Springside. What I like the favorite was eating in the cafeteria. On Tuesday, they had push-up pops and I took the push-up pop. I go to Newport on vacations and every single day I go swimming. When it is too cold, I go to Fall River to go shopping. There's a TV room and an escalator and my cousins come too.
...
I am very good at swimming in the baby pool at my pool.
...
I like my granddad because sometimes he picks me up and puts me around his neck. My mommom has wavy hair. Sometimes she cooks very good dinners. One day when I didn't like the dinner she cooked, she didn't like it herself. I care about my mom very much. She buys me toys sometimes and I like them. Granddad is almost growing a beard. Once when I was smaller I saw him shave. At night when I get scared I hug my grizzly bear puppet. I like cutting material at school.
...
I will have a barbecue in my back yard. I'll have grapes, barbecued chicken, french fries and ketchup. I'll have an ice cube in case anyone bites the inside of their cheek. I'll have grape juice for everyone in the class and coke for Birgit because she doesn't care for grape juice. It will be at nine o'clock in the afternoon. I will be sewing and if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks on the door, I will go down and unlock the door for them to come in.
...
When I grow up, I'm going to be a mother and an artist. I will be painting pictures of skyscrapers. I will be living wherever my mom and mommom and granddad do live. I will take pictures of farms and I will also visit Uncle Bill.
.
The end.
I was born in a hospital on March 14th in the winter. I was a good baby and Uncle Sidney changed my diaper sometimes. When my mommy wanted to feed me, I pushed the spoon away. I went to nursery school and they had gold sand inside the classroom. And I grew up and went to Springside. What I like the favorite was eating in the cafeteria. On Tuesday, they had push-up pops and I took the push-up pop. I go to Newport on vacations and every single day I go swimming. When it is too cold, I go to Fall River to go shopping. There's a TV room and an escalator and my cousins come too.
...
I am very good at swimming in the baby pool at my pool.
...
I like my granddad because sometimes he picks me up and puts me around his neck. My mommom has wavy hair. Sometimes she cooks very good dinners. One day when I didn't like the dinner she cooked, she didn't like it herself. I care about my mom very much. She buys me toys sometimes and I like them. Granddad is almost growing a beard. Once when I was smaller I saw him shave. At night when I get scared I hug my grizzly bear puppet. I like cutting material at school.
...
I will have a barbecue in my back yard. I'll have grapes, barbecued chicken, french fries and ketchup. I'll have an ice cube in case anyone bites the inside of their cheek. I'll have grape juice for everyone in the class and coke for Birgit because she doesn't care for grape juice. It will be at nine o'clock in the afternoon. I will be sewing and if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks on the door, I will go down and unlock the door for them to come in.
...
When I grow up, I'm going to be a mother and an artist. I will be painting pictures of skyscrapers. I will be living wherever my mom and mommom and granddad do live. I will take pictures of farms and I will also visit Uncle Bill.
.
The end.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
just what i love to come home to: a $240 doctor's bill that was denied by my insurance b/c allegedly i wasn't covered at the time of the appointment (i was). i don't have the money to pay it or the time to call and fuss about it b/c i'm sure the hours to call are 9 - 5, conveniently when i HAVE MY JOB.
Monday, September 17, 2007
sex and the city keeps me company when i do my nails. this (third) episode asks:
is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive? and what's the harm in believing?
despite the fact that hope is my middle name, there are many things i do not feel hopeful about. there are others i do feel hopeful about, however.
the harm in believing? setting yourself up for disappointment and pain.
is hope a drug we need to go off of, or is it keeping us alive? and what's the harm in believing?
despite the fact that hope is my middle name, there are many things i do not feel hopeful about. there are others i do feel hopeful about, however.
the harm in believing? setting yourself up for disappointment and pain.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
someone who really knows you. someone who knows that when you're standing there with tears welling in your eyes and you say you don't want to talk about it that you just need a hug. someone who would never let you leave the house crying to drive home at night sobbing uncontrollably. someone who knows that they cannot put themselves in your shoes and doesn't try, but instead stands behind you or beside you, whichever you need most at the time.
someone who really knows you. someone who knows when you say yes but mean no, or when you say you're fine but really you're not. someone who knows when you say you're fine and really are, and who knows how to comfort you when you're not fine but you don't say anything. someone who is not trying to compete to see who has it worse, or belittle you or make you feel bad for being upset and maybe even a little selfish. someone who knows when it's too much for one person to handle and doesn't try to make you handle it.
someone who really knows you. someone who is not scared of the emotions that may surge through you. someone who knows that you may need them to hold you tight if you are upset and tighter if you are angry. someone who knows that the time you may need them the most is when you look like you need them the least. someone whose voice reflects that they know this, that they know you. someone you can have a conversation with without uttering a word.
the worst part is losing someone who knows you. the worst part is trying to learn someone and wanting them so badly to already know you. the worst part is knowing someone your whole life and realizing they don't know you at all.
someone who really knows you. someone who knows when you say yes but mean no, or when you say you're fine but really you're not. someone who knows when you say you're fine and really are, and who knows how to comfort you when you're not fine but you don't say anything. someone who is not trying to compete to see who has it worse, or belittle you or make you feel bad for being upset and maybe even a little selfish. someone who knows when it's too much for one person to handle and doesn't try to make you handle it.
someone who really knows you. someone who is not scared of the emotions that may surge through you. someone who knows that you may need them to hold you tight if you are upset and tighter if you are angry. someone who knows that the time you may need them the most is when you look like you need them the least. someone whose voice reflects that they know this, that they know you. someone you can have a conversation with without uttering a word.
the worst part is losing someone who knows you. the worst part is trying to learn someone and wanting them so badly to already know you. the worst part is knowing someone your whole life and realizing they don't know you at all.
1. i think circuit city actually paid me for the 2 days i worked for which i had emailed them (read: tried to email them) my scanned time sheets.
2. i had ordered a bathing suit from victoria's secret on aug 21st and it JUST CAME today. i called b/c i wanted to be reimbursed for the $5 shipping and handling fees since it took so damn long. the woman on the phone said her manager was in a meeting (surely a lie) but in the end she gave me a $10 gift card (instead of her original $5 proposal). so, even though they benefit b/c i am guaranteed to buy something else from there now, i was going to buy more stuff from there anyway so i am happy.
3. no work on thursday = wooooo hoooo spring cleaning!
2. i had ordered a bathing suit from victoria's secret on aug 21st and it JUST CAME today. i called b/c i wanted to be reimbursed for the $5 shipping and handling fees since it took so damn long. the woman on the phone said her manager was in a meeting (surely a lie) but in the end she gave me a $10 gift card (instead of her original $5 proposal). so, even though they benefit b/c i am guaranteed to buy something else from there now, i was going to buy more stuff from there anyway so i am happy.
3. no work on thursday = wooooo hoooo spring cleaning!
Monday, September 10, 2007
are you kind of letting me in or are you letting me in? because deleting a post i asked you about and had every right to find or see makes me wonder. it's not like i spied on you. i wasn't trying to discover something bad. and i asked you and you refused to explain. sure i understand the concept of having a blog and sort of wanting people to find it but sort of not wanting them to. of course i have to censor what i say in here. of course. but..why should i feel bad that i saw something that you put up for all to see?
how many times do we have to relive the past and the present?
how many times do i have to tell someone new when she started going downhill? how many times do i have to hear my grandmother retell her life? how many times do i have to remember that she is where she is and this is real?
i found the apartment i want to live in. it's a huge huge studio with good storage about 4 blocks from where i work. it does NOT have a washer/dryer, AC (I can get a window unit) or a dishwasher. really the washer/dryer is the biggest problem, but seeing as how i only do laundry about once a month it may not be a big deal. i think there was some cleaning service at penn where they would do all your laundry for like $6, and maybe they came and got it (i forget). the only person i could ask is one who i am no longer talking to, or they are not talking to me, or both. both. anyway.
how many times do i have to tell someone new when she started going downhill? how many times do i have to hear my grandmother retell her life? how many times do i have to remember that she is where she is and this is real?
i found the apartment i want to live in. it's a huge huge studio with good storage about 4 blocks from where i work. it does NOT have a washer/dryer, AC (I can get a window unit) or a dishwasher. really the washer/dryer is the biggest problem, but seeing as how i only do laundry about once a month it may not be a big deal. i think there was some cleaning service at penn where they would do all your laundry for like $6, and maybe they came and got it (i forget). the only person i could ask is one who i am no longer talking to, or they are not talking to me, or both. both. anyway.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
2) numbering will make it easier for me, but maybe harder for you.
3) i wonder if any of them think about me like that.
4) i'm a mess, i guess.
6) maybe i need to get better at accepting surprises.
12) this post was looking sparse.
13) i went to 5 below tonight with the hopes of buying a day planner. i left with a new sudoku book ($1), an umbrella which i have desperately needed ($3) and 10 sticks of incense ($2) (+ tax).
14) after that i went into ulta, wanted a lot of what i saw, and bought none of it. i just made mental notes of what they had for what prices for next time i need it, since i don't need it now. i am very proud of myself for that.
17) do you think there's a pattern to how these numbers are changing?
18) i had a nice weekend. i spent a few hours with my high school friends, inc. tom who we haven't seen in ages, and his gf who was very nice (and meghan, and sam, and andrew).
25) this worked out ok. i need to shower. i'm not quite in the mood for work tomorrow. i'm gonna have to try to reschedule my apt visits. maybe i will just tell them i had a previous commitment i forgot about. i guess that makes the most sense. maybe i can visit one or both tom. night.
26) i'm staying late tomorrow cause i left early today for an AWFUL new mouth guard. ew. it's awful. probably so awful i shouldn't have posted about it in here.
27) leave a comment with the number you think should be next. whoever "you" are. there's only one person that i think reads this.
3) i wonder if any of them think about me like that.
4) i'm a mess, i guess.
6) maybe i need to get better at accepting surprises.
12) this post was looking sparse.
13) i went to 5 below tonight with the hopes of buying a day planner. i left with a new sudoku book ($1), an umbrella which i have desperately needed ($3) and 10 sticks of incense ($2) (+ tax).
14) after that i went into ulta, wanted a lot of what i saw, and bought none of it. i just made mental notes of what they had for what prices for next time i need it, since i don't need it now. i am very proud of myself for that.
17) do you think there's a pattern to how these numbers are changing?
18) i had a nice weekend. i spent a few hours with my high school friends, inc. tom who we haven't seen in ages, and his gf who was very nice (and meghan, and sam, and andrew).
25) this worked out ok. i need to shower. i'm not quite in the mood for work tomorrow. i'm gonna have to try to reschedule my apt visits. maybe i will just tell them i had a previous commitment i forgot about. i guess that makes the most sense. maybe i can visit one or both tom. night.
26) i'm staying late tomorrow cause i left early today for an AWFUL new mouth guard. ew. it's awful. probably so awful i shouldn't have posted about it in here.
27) leave a comment with the number you think should be next. whoever "you" are. there's only one person that i think reads this.