Ohhhh snap. Last post of 2004. This is weird.

This year I am not making resolutions. They are almost always the same, and I usually never keep half or more of them. So this year, I know what I need to do to improve myself, my life and the things around me, and I will not resolve to fix them, per se. I will just do what I have to do.

I will do a 2004 in review at some point, probably when I get back from Newport. I'll have a lot of time up there to think about the past year.

Hope everyone's 2005 is better than 2004, and that everyone I know and care about stays happy and healthy.

Having actually been out of my house the past two nights I am feeling a lot better. Interacting with people is fun!

Yesterday my mom and I went to the mall. I love the mall. We went to H&M where I got two shirts, Claire's (this place is so middle school it's not even funny. Ok, it's actually very funny) where I got three pairs of cheap ass earrings on buy two pairs get one free, and Radio Shack where I got a battery charger and batteries for my camera. Wet Seal was extremely disappointing, as was Express. It's ok though, cause yesterday we went to Old Navy and I got three shirt/sweater things there since all my long sleeve shirts are actually for summer and thus aren't warm.

I'm gonna go watch the two movies I rented that are due back today. Hopefully tonight will continue the trend of not sitting around at home.

What is it they say? The idle mind is the Devil's plaything? Something along those lines.

I don't know about that, but I don't like being idle. My mom said I should just enjoy being bored. But I don't I need action. I start to crave it; I am addicted. Addicted to doing things, instead of just sitting around on my ass most of the time. Break's not even halfway over and I'm ready to be done. I hope it'll be different in Newport. It will be different in Newport, because we can shop and whatnot, but there if there's nothing to do...somehow it's more ok. Because it's not like I could be doing other things and I'm not, which is the case here.

I just watched Cold Mountain with my mom, and I'd like to say the following:

I want those two and a half hours of my life back. Please. I know it was a book first so I can't get mad at the directors or whoever wrote the script. But I can get mad at whoever decided it would be a good movie. Yes, I thought Jude Law was great in it, as was Renee Zelwegger and the rest of the cast. But bloody hell, come on. It was the most depressing thing, from beginning to end. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I strongly caution you, nay, demand that you not see this movie. Unless you like heartache, gratuitous violence, and unhappy endings. Then it's right up your alley.

This is to my "great" uncle. I put "great" in quotes because technically he is my "great uncle" (my grandmother's brother), but there is nothing great about him at all.

This is to you, Uncle Sidney. I hope you find this, since God knows all you do is spend your whole day online. You have nothing better to do with your life.

I want to send you an email, but my entire family has told me I can't do that. "It's simply not right for you to talk to your elders like that."

In my email I wouldn't have cursed you out or outright called you a douchebag, though you are and you deserve all the cursewords I know.

I would have said something along these lines:

Uncle Sidney,

I think it is completely inappropriate that you would give my cousins presents for the holidays and for their birthdays and not me. This is not about the presents, but about the fact that you are trying to punish me. You are a horrible person [ok, so maybe I would have left that out of any real email], and I just thought you should know that. You live out in the boonies because you can't be around people, since you have no social skills whatsoever. You probably eat your dog's food and let it eat your dinner, and you probably sleep on the floor and let your dog have your bed. But that doesn't mean you're nice, or selfless by any means.

The last time you were here was probably five years ago for your double knee replacement surgery. You brought your dog and set up camp in our living room. I helped you out I'm sure, especially by walking your dog for you, since you couldn't walk well.

Since you've been here you've sent me one or two presents for the holidays. Once it was a flashlight, another time a watch, which I never actually got because it got mixed up in the shuffle at my cousins' house. But recently, as in about a year or more ago, you decided that I had done something to offend you, and you were no longer giving me any presents. The only thing I could have possibly done to offend you would be to stick up for my mom when you insulted her, as you frequently did when you were here. You would comment on how noise sensitive she was an how annoying it was, or something of that sort, and I would defend her. How dare you insult my mom to my face. Who do you think you are? God? You're not.

In any case, none of that happened between the time you sent me that flashlight and watch and now, or last year. But you just got it in your mind that you were going to leave me out, ON PURPOSE, out of spite. Fuck you, you bitter, old, ignorant, hateful man. Screw you and the fuck-head ship you rode in on. You are so inappropriate for doing this. Fuck you for hurting me. I am a child in comparison to you. Why can't you act like an adult?

I guess I will just add you to the list of shitty men in my family (namely my father).

In conclusion, you can now go suck a fatty. Or suck your dog's dick, you stupid stupid fuck.

It's pretty nice when you can look back on a time of bitterness and jealousy and realize that you're so over it. That you've not only caught up, but are lightyears ahead. In a completely different world and it just doesn't matter. :)

I didn't even realize it until just now, but the 22nd, which is usually a bad day for me, was a great day this month.

Last year during winter break, and again in May, I wrote a post about everything I learned in the past semester. It’s that time again.

This semester I found again that I learned a lot more outside the classroom than inside it. Though I do feel I learned a lot, possibly the most out of my three semesters at college. (Ahh, when I put it that way it feels like I have a lot more time left.)

I’ve learned that playing with fire will get you burned, and that there is no way to make everyone happy all the time. Sometimes it’s impossible not to hurt people, as much as you try not to.

I’ve finally realized that there will always be another party, which means it’s ok if I don’t party every night. I’ve learned to buckle down when I really need to, and I’ve learned a bit about what methods of studying work for me (writing things down).

I’ve learned that I can no longer function well with less than seven hours of sleep a night, and that if I don’t take care of myself I’m going to get sick (what was it, three colds this semester?)

I’m able to finally sleep without earplugs or music, but I still have trouble falling asleep when it’s not dark enough.

I can sing a lot better than I could last year. I was listening to a song we sang last year, fall semester, and singing my background part. I realized that the part, which at one point was too high for me to sing in my chest voice, now seems low in my range.

I’ve learned that I still have no idea what I want to do with my future, and that still freaks me out. I still hate the question “so, what do you want to be?” just as much as I hate “so, what’s your major?”

I’ve realized that things can’t stay in limbo forever. So if I’m stressing about something and can’t make a decision, if I wait it out I will make a choice. Hopefully the right one.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my no bullshit policy is hard to uphold, especially when so many other people are full of bullshit. And especially when I don’t bullshit and other people don’t accept what I say as the truth.

I’ve learned that regrets can come way after the fact. Something you might not regret right after you do it or even a month after you do it…you may end up regretting it later on.

I’ve learned that I can still get ok to good grades with a minimal level of work.

I’ve discovered that sometimes you might think you can read someone really well, that you actually know them, but you don’t. There are whole dimensions under there that we never see.

I’ve decided that prayer works. I’m not sure what I do and don’t believe when it comes to religion, but that prayer is one thing that is for real. Someone’s listening, you just have to ask.

I’ve learned that fortune cookies can either be eerily correct, or way too vague and nonsensical.

I’ve learned that I don’t really have a desire to be far away from home. I probably won’t go abroad for reasons beyond my control, but I don’t know how upset I am by that. I understand it’s “freeing” to be in a place where no one knows anything about you and you can be whoever you want, but I already feel free. I am the real me with most people at school, especially my close friends. I don’t feel the need to go away for three or four months and “find myself” or “be free,” though it would be a nice thing to do over the summer or a vacation, with people I know.

I’ve also learned that my brain does not retain much information from semester to semester. I vaguely remember that once I took chemistry, and I think I took an acting class and some legal studies class. But I couldn’t tell you in much depth what I learned from any of them.

I’ve decided that the state of my room generally reflects the state of my life. While this is not an absolute truth, when my room is in a great state of disarray, it generally matches the times when my life is in such a state. Cleaning my room is a great way to make me feel like I have more control over things. I guess that’s why neat freaks do it.

Academicallywise I’ve learned some German. I’ve also learned that I can’t continue with it right now, seeing as how whenever I couldn’t think of a word I wanted to use in German I would think of it in Spanish, and even one time wrote “und” instead of “y” in a Spanish composition. Oh, and some teachers just looooove giving out extra credit points. Those are very helpful.

I’ve also learned a ton of music theory. I now know when I’m playing guitar why a D and an A chord or a C and a G chord sound good together, and why certain chords don’t. I’ve learned intervals, cadences, part writing, and all kinds of other crazy shit that I am excited to know.

With regards to Spanish I’ve learned that, well, I really need to do more work in this subject if it’s going to be my major. My Spanish class taught me that I can’t stand repetition too much because it just gets so boring. Variety is the spice of life. I did learn some Spanish grammar, and distinciones lexicales.

But best of all, I now know who Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Dizzy Gillespie, Charlie Parker, Ornette Coleman, Jelly Roll Morton, Thelonius Monk, and yes, even Louis Armstrong are. Before my jazz class I’d probably have recognized two or three of those names. Now I can name their songs and recognize them, while simultaneously (ok, maybe not actually simultaneously) telling you about different styles of jazz and the who, what, where, how (maybe when?) of good old jazz music. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

I have yet to learn patience. I can’t handle suspense, and I can’t handle being away for long periods of time.

Laundry still sucks but I've learned that the more often you do it, the less bad it will be. Doesn't mean I do it often, just means I learned that.

And the kicker: that procrastination thing. I can’t seem to get rid of that, though I am proud to say I am moving in the right direction. This past semester I’ve been known to start compositions earlier than the night before they’re due, and once I even went to bed at midnight and got up at 8 the next morning to do work for an hour and a half.

I’ve still got some work to do, but I think I’ve come a long way. I think.

One of the most amusing things to me is when I go back in my blog a year or two ago exactly to see what I was doing and I am doing the same exact thing as I was then. Right now is a prime example:

I was reading old posts, as I like to do occasionally, and I read one about how I was sitting at the computer blogging, because I didn't feel like getting ready for bed. Funny, cause that's exactly what's going on right now.

- Beetle Bum gave her two cents on 12/24/2003 12:36:21 AM

Two years ago is far less interesting, in that I was not doing the same exact thing. Wait...does that make it more interesting?

For all the changes I've gone through, I still do a lot of things the same way as I used to. Habit's a bitch to change.

After having gorged on Chinese food, I am completely stuffed and feel gross. At least I ran this morning so I can feel marginally less guilty than I would have otherwise felt. Browsing peoples' profiles I found this. It's the 10 Commandments of College. Not all true, but funny nonetheless.

Since I've gotten home, all I've felt like doing is eating and sleeping. Nothing else. I got 9 1/2 hours of sleep the first night I was home, and last night almost 10 hours. Yet I wake up more tired than the day before. I think it's actually from getting too much sleep, which is depressing.

I am quite bored right now. And tired. I feel like going into my grandparents' room and taking a nap on their extremely comfortable temper pedic mattress.

Geek moment: My grandmother got a new computer. It's called an emachine. I've never heard of it before, but I want it. She can have mine. It has a 150 GB hard drive, 4 USB ports, a DVD player and DVD R/RW drive, a CD drive (my computer has both of these...but a 60 GB hard drive and 2 USB ports). Oh wait, it also has a USB port on the front of the computer, along with the headphone jack and microphone jack, so it's more accessible. My favorite of all is the memory card microdrives it has. One for CF, one for SD (my digital camera has a CF card). AND A FREAKING 150 GB HARD DRIVE. What the hell? She also just got DSL so it's all nice and fast, and it's got two other drives that do who knows what. It has 512 RAM, but so does my computer.

It's time to go beach myself on the couch.

Maybe titles would make it easier to start my blog entries. You'd get a vague idea of what each post was about, so you could only read the ones that were interesting to you. But this blog isn't really for you, it's for me. And I'd undoubtedly veer from the title, which would potentially confine me to certain topics.

This post will have to be short since my mom and I are about to go out, rent some movies for tomorrow, and pay my grandparents a visit. I hope there's something good for dinner over there.

I finally gathered up enough willpower to use the treadmill my mom bought. I did about 42 min of various things...I think all in all 20 minutes of running and some speedwalking on an incline (yes, I am aware of how lame that sounds/is) and then a little cooldown. I also did crunches last night, and hopefully will do them again tonight. I was going to try to eat healthy but then I had some mac and cheese my aunt made for lunch. It's so thick and it hits you like a lead block once it's in your stomach, but it's just so delicious. She also gave my mom cookies, so I've been enjoying those.

Oh! I didn't write about the Nutcracker on Tuesday night. It was awesome, I really enjoyed it. That's all I really have time to say right now, but maybe a more in depth (translate: boring to anyone but me) story of the past week or so will come later. Or maybe not.

Lately I've been referring to everything as a game. I'll say "I don't like this game" or "I'm good at this game," when in fact it's not a game at all. It's not something I've been trying to do actively, but I like the mentality. It's fun to view everything as a game. Because games are meant to be fun, more or less. Even bad things, when viewed as a game, seem less heavy and important.

On another note, why is tonight so boring?

One of the many wonders of blogs is how helpful they are, especially in times when one wants to procrastinate. Times like now.

I am sitting here working on my music theory final project. I'd like it to be done by tonight so I can go to the gym and then go downtown tomorrow. We'll see if this happens.

As of yesterday or maybe the day before, I am on freak out mode about my future. How am I meant to know what I want to do with my entire life two years from now? That is so much pressure, and I don't think I can handle it. How do people decide this? How does everyone else not get so weighed down by the possibilities? I have a fear that I'll pick something, decide I hate it, and I won't be able to change it by the time I want to. I am so sheltered, and I love it. I am afraid to leave that. I love security. I mean, come on, I go to college half an hour away from home. It's perfect because I can believe that I am independent and on my own, but who pays all my bills? Whose credit card am I using? Who pays for my college tuition? Not me. And if I ever need her, my mom is not only a phone call away, but a train ride away too. There are so many things for which I feel so unprepared.

The real world scares me.

Maybe I will be ready in two more years, but the thought of all that coming down on me freaks me the hell out.

Oh hey, what's up?

This is a post out of sheer boredom and procrastination. I can't focus to study for my two finals (german, then theory) tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just studied. Like, a lot. I am rewriting my music theory notes into a consolidated version of vocab terms I need to know. I have a little less than a month's worth of notes left (about 7 full pages or so) and I already have almost 7 full pages of just terms. After that I'll still need to go through old tests, quizzes and worksheets, and try to do some listening to make sure I can identify chords and intervals and the like. I still have to finish my practica music crap, which is impossible. It's chord progressions and I am so bad at hearing them. And if you get enough things wrong on each turn they start taking points away. Grrrr.

I have a german final on the same day as my theory final (this Wed). I haven't even started studying for german. Sweet lord.

Plus my music theory final project is due Friday. Clearly I will be working on that all day Thursday. What fun.

I love my mommy.

In other news, I just studied for 3 hours and am soon going back for more. Woo hoo for being productive (and it's never really as bad as I dread it will be).

That last part was more of a note to self for next time I am procrastinating doing work or studying.

I wrote this on the train ride home today.

~ 1:30 p.m.

I have to write about this now, it can't wait. I am on the train and the conductor just charged a woman $5 for a train ticket.

Anyone who rides trains regularly knows, or should know if they have any brains, that there is a $2 surcharge for buying a ticket on the train when you get on at a stop that has an open ticket office.

The woman who was charged $5 threw a conniption fit. "Are you serious? It's three dollars!" She said in a raised voice, so as to draw as much attention to her as possible. "I take the train regularly and I've never been charged $5 before!!"

She talked up a storm (to herself) about how this was not right, she was going to get the conductor's name and report him. I watched this all transpire, knowing the woman was a fool and that the conductor was in the right. But I said nothing. Why should I? I am four seats back, and I was sure someone else, closer to stupid woman, knew the rule.

Finally, an asian woman explained in broken english The Rule Of The $2 Surcharge. Dun dun dun.

The first woman was stunned. She'd never heard that rule. She mumbled something along the lines of "that's ridiculous" and then stopped her bitching and moaning.

Throughout all this the conductor remained completely calm, never flinching, never raising his voice. The power of knowing that you're right is a wonderful thing.

Halfway through the asian woman's explanation of The Rule to the idiot woman, I took out my ipod and put on American Analog Set. I drowned out the voices of stupidity and reason, though I could see the two women talking. It was very soundtrack-ish, and I enjoyed it.

I always feel like a character in a TV show or a movie when I ride the train. There's something about it that makes me think. Something that makes me search for reason and logic. All the different kinds of people that ride the train make me wonder. I love to watch them, even when they're doing nothing but sitting with headphones on, listening to music. People can be really fascinating.

"The fat shrieking toddlers, their useless mothers, creeps who move in close...all take the train home." - Camilla (plug)

American Analog Set reminds me of Pinback.

Sooo flustered today.

The past few days have been awesome awesome. It was worth saying twice. Three times, even. Awesome.

This is going to sound so dumb and so cliched I almost don't want to write it. Almost.

Do you ever feel like something's missing? Just that last puzzle piece that will make everything just right, but it's not in the box and it's not blending in with the carpet. And you know exactly what it looks like, but you just can't figure out where the hell you put it. Is it evading you on purpose? Maybe a little mouse or bug came and carried it away when you weren't looking.

Yesterday was such a bad day, starting around 1:30 a.m. when I saw a mouse in my room as I was trying to do a spanish composition. I freaked out, and didn't end up getting to bed until 4, and that was only after I had laid 6 glue traps down to catch the thing (the only way I would be able to fall asleep in my room).

I woke up yesterday around 9:30 for class. I had a sore throat and a backache and my spanish composition was not done. I had skipped the class on Tuesday too so I didn't want to skip again. I called my mom and asked for her advice, since I couldn't make the decision on my own for some reason. She said to skip class, so I slept in til 12. Got up, finished my composition (which I think is really good...even though I argued against the side I agree with because it was easier) and went to spanish class. It was an hour and a half of hell. My back hurt so much that I couldn't get comfortable sitting in any position, and I hadn't done the homework cause I spent all my time on the composition and the mouse, so I sat there with my head down hoping she wouldn't call on me. Plus some girl kept looking at me and watching what I was writing, which really pissed me off.

I got back to my house at 4, ate some, and around 5 laid down, read a little, then turned off the light to take a nap. I laid there for about 5 minutes and then I heard some noise coming from the floor. I figured it was the mouse running around so I turned the light on. It was the mouse...caught in one of the traps. At first I was really happy, but then I looked at it. It was not much bigger than my thumb, and its teeny little face was caught in the glue, as was its tail and all its feet. It was struggling to get out every now and then, but for the most part it was just laying there, motionless. I started to cry. Me, who chastized my housemates for crying about a stupid mouse caught in a stupid glue trap. But this cute, teeny little thing was stuck and I felt so bad for it.

After that I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just sat around in pain because of my back for a while. The night was ok after that, except for extreme back pain.

Ahh Lifehouse just came on. Oh memories of 11th grade.

I'm telling you, two is a bad number for me.

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I almost wrote a chapter about you. Haha. If I wrote it now its title would be "What happened?" or "Where did it all go wrong?" or something of the sort. Haha.

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This day started being bad around 1:30 or 2 a.m. when I saw a mouse in my room.

Now I have a backache and I skipped jazz today and I didn't get to bed til after 4 and I am fighting a cold. Boo to this day.