Well, to dig up an old quote...

"I feel like i wanna scream and cry and laugh and spin all at the same time..."

Great time tonight. Laying and just...nevermind, it'll sound sappy.

WHY is my mom such a pain? WHYYYY??

She thinks that somehow everything is off her back, when in reality it has nothing to do with her at all. She thinks if I want to use her car, that's off her back. FINE! I'LL USE BIG RED. GO TO HELL!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I don't feel the need to talk about DEEP crap all the time. For serious.

Cause really, I don't need to delve into your mind
Maybe I don't think the things in there
Are so beautiful.
Maybe they're convoluted,
And you're just as selfish as the rest of us;
Just as hypocritical.
Maybe no one's perfect
And you're still human,
Which does make you similar to everyone
In at least a few ways.

Ahhh, screw it.

I really need to work out. I didn't today. My grandmother said I could, but I couldn't reach my mom. I was gonna just wait a few minutes and go if my mom didn't call back, so I decided to eat while I was waiting. I ended up eating cheddar cheese & crackers, two pieces of raisin & cinnamon swirl bread w/ melted butter, a date, and a small cookie type thing. It was sooo good. Food is so good. Who knew that stuff like cheddar cheese and pineapples were actually good, and that bananas aren't too bad either? To rationalize for not going to the club, I'll say that the weather's not so nice (icy roads, esp. after dark), I'm just getting better, and my mom prob. wouldn't want me to. But I should've gone. I'll try to go tomorrow (yes, I seem to say this every day), but it's supposed to snow tonight. I'm gonna do the bike here and maybe some push ups and crunches, and other improvisational exercises, if I ever get off the computer. I sort of want to take another nap, though.

Today was weird. I was in a great mood during up until lunch time. I really don't feel like blogging about it. I don't know why I got so upset...to the point of tears. It was something really pretty stupid to get so upset about. I think maybe I'm just really emotional right now. Ahhh fluctuating hormones; I love being a girl. (In response to this, Tom said "I love you being a girl." It was funny).

I took a nap today! You can tell I'm sick when I don't actually feel like being online. I got off and watched the first act of Patience. I decided that I really wasn't that good. I dunno...I thought I was alright, but watching the tape definitely made me think otherwise.

I took a nap from 5 or 5:30 till about 7:20 or so. It was SOOOO delicious.

Oh James...

Well, the last part of my horroscope today is true: Sometimes self-confidence can be faked until it turns into the real thing.

I think I might actually go work on homework, or watch Patience or something. I don't feel like blogging.

Ummm yeah. I didn't rock math at all. In fact, it sucked. Only a little better than chem, but I have wayyy more of a low-grade-tolerance in chem than in math. But seriously...I plan on going to the club to work out, coming home and eating dinner, watching some Patience (I got the videos today! Yayy!!!) and talking on the phone. I don't really see much homework fitting in there. Maybe I'll do physio now, so as to make that fully possible. Yeah, good idea. We have a physio test on Friday, and I'm not happy about it.

Why do most guys at my school only care about sports and sex?

And I actually don't feel like posting?

I didn't run today. + one blub

I ate two brownies, one and a quarter chocolate rice krispy treat things, some chips, lots of carrots with dip, a mini pizza bagel, a little peanut brittle (hah..that rhymed), a Dr. Pepper, some cake, and a gummi worm. WHAT A PIG. + 8.75 blubs.

+ one blub because I tried on a bathing suit. Admittedly I (hopefully) looked slightly better than I did at the beginning of last summer, but for one thing there's still plenty of time to gain more weight, and I think I lost weight from the mono. Hey, mono, if you wanted to help me lose a little more weight since you were such a bitch, I would appreciate it. But not from being sick. If that's the option, I'll keep the weight and run it off...or something.

Maybe I'll work out tomorrow. Maybe.

+ one blub for every time I said I'd work out and didn't.

I'm honestly terrified for exam return. Seriously. Because when I say I think I failed my chem exam, I don't mean "fail" as in B-, or C+, or D-range. I mean F. As in FLAT out FAILURE. I hope to have at least B-range for my other exams. I hope for A-range in physio, and I know I got an A in spanish because she told me.

Really, I hate thinking and talking about the future. It almost makes me want to reconsider decisions. But...I feel that the decisions I've made will serve me well. I hope.

My guitar needs new strings!

I hope I don't have to go away over V-day. I'm somewhat confused about it, but I don't want to bring it up.

I'm sleepy.

Whoops, I almost forgot auditions are today.

I think I have a cold. Probably falling asleep with my lights on every night for the past week or so hasn't been helpful. And Jamie probably gave me "the sniffles." I took some of my magic Chinese herbs around 6 this morning when I woke to brush my teeth, and I feel better. Still thirsty, though.

Tom: thank you for commenting! It makes me feel loved!

Superbowl (is it one word or two?) tonight! I'll be partying it up at the Pringles. I hope James can go.

I'd like to also say that the wrestling team is a bunch of complete assholes, bar a few. But seriously...when did guys become such assholes? And if all they care about is sticking their you-know-what into a hole...let them get a blow up doll. And why are they so nosy? Some things are NOT their business!!

My junior license turns into a senior license in....well, SOON! I'm not counting the number of days. No way. I'm not that good at math.

Again, I toast to second chances. Why not? It's a new year.

Not like I knew. And sorry, but it's not like I care that much, either. In a way, it's sad that i say that. But I can say it and mean it and it'll be better in the long run.

Went over to the Pringles for a little bit & watched trading spaces. And filled out my rank-type thingy. I'm so anti-commitment on all of those types of things...I can never just give one answer. I couldn't come up with a pet peeve, but as soon as I got in the car I decided it's unreliable people and making decisions. I'm soooo bad at making decisions.

So yeah. I've been thirsty all day, yet I haven't really had that much to drink in an attempt to fix it. I think I might be getting sick, but hopefully not. I'm not looking forward to school, but I really don't plan on doing much work. I told my mom that and she didn't seem to pleased, but I explained it to her.

"Look, I've never really done much work," I told her. She agreed, and said
"At least you're being honest."
And then I told her that I plan on continuing the trend. I told her how I thought I could probably get all A+'s if I wanted, and she said she was going to hurt me. But it's not true...I couldn't get an A+ in AP chem even if I stayed home all weekend and didn't sleep ever and just studied and studied and studied. And yet...somehow I got all A's in chem last year, by doing no work at all. I tried doing no work this year, and, well...it wasn't as successful. I do no work in spanish and get A's, but that's because I should be in AP. And I'm not because my spanish teacher last year was a crazy maniac. I think I get B's (occasionally high C's) in math w/o working. Physio...I actually do work for that class, and I think I have an A- as my quarter grade. English? No work, aside from papers...B's, I think. I hope my new english class is good. And I hope I'm supposed to have PE on Monday, because that'd mean I'd have a free period. I'll probably have chambers.

Can you tell I'm bored?

I.am.sobored.

I went to the club to work out. I got there after 3, and I had to be home by 3:30. I did weights quickly, came home, and my mom's sleeping. My stomach was hurting me, though, so I didn't really want to run. That, and I've been feeling really lazy and not wanting to run. I'm gonna try to go after auditions tomorrow.

My mom and I have been talking about our trip over spring break recently. We're going to Disneyworld! I LOVE Florida!! I want to go now. I can't wait. It's nice and warm and sunny there. Did I mention nice? And SUNNY?

I love reminiscing. Especially about this. I love reading through old blog posts, in which I wasn't sure of what would happen, and knowing how it turned out. It's like watching The Matrix a bunch of times. Of course you know the ending, but it's fun to see how it all unravels.

I should do my nails! And I should shower!

I was wondering...but I don't care! Hah! I don't care enough to ask anyone. After all, why care about those who don't care about you? That's a lost cause if I ever saw one.

Tom - I think the night we got stuck on my street because of a fire truck was Halloween. I was reading through old posts, and you came to pick me up...remember? We were planning to do something that afternoon and then it ended up being pushed back further and further and you came at 7:30...I think it was then.

My mom is being so annoying.

Katie's was really fun last night. I had really been feeling...not a part of anything, but it was good to see people. I don't know how...but during breaks I always end up feeling disconnected from mostly everyone. Heather and I played a fun game of be-attached-at-the-hip and PSI. It was quite amusing. We also found it fun to slide into people at the same time. Monsters Inc. was a good movie. I missed part of the middle/end because Heather and I were playing a very sad game of pool. I did get two balls in a row, though! I just needed to warm up, that's all.

There was something that was really bothering me. But I can't really get into that here. Porque fue una persona.

Jamie came around 9 or 9:30...completely beat up. Bruised forhead and some sort of bruise/scratch near his temple. Hurt his hip, his nose, I think maybe his hand too. Let it be known that I think wrestling is stupid. Slight problem: he didn't tell his parents he was going. His mom called my mom, who was sleeping because she had a headache. My mom then got mad, his parents got mad, he's grounded, I got home at 11, came inside, my mom was standing right by the door. "We have a problem," she said. Thinking she was mad because I was home at 11 & not earlier (maybe she was going to tell me I was late), I told her the clock in her car said exactly 11. She told me what had happened, and now there's a new fun rule. Whatever. It could be worse.

At 10 o'clock, totally randomly, Debra walked in. She was the last person I expected to see there, but it was cool. I had just emailed her yesterday. So yeah. It was a fun party.

"There isn't any place in the world where you throw other people into the mix that's perfect." - My mom

El me dijo que no lee el español porque no entiende, y por eso no me preocupa, pero gracias, Tomás.

Wind through the hills of beauty and discover yourself
Poco a poco y mezcla amor
With friendship trust and adoration
Si quieres empezar otra vez
Judgement aside and fly
Sobre montañas y playas
Freedom is to lose
Todo y tener nada más
So go to them and say
"Mi vida es..."
Trailing off is not allowed
Pero no preocupas
It's as if nothing ever happened it was all just
Un sueño.

* * * * *

My monster feet are starting to fall apart.

Trying to find information online regarding scholarships is next to impossible, and incredibly time-consuming.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
JEBUS!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I could seriously fucking break something.

Do you think you're more entitled than me? Do you think you deserve it more and do you think you love it more than me? Do you mean it? Who are you to think...

* * * * *

Lunch with James was good. We ate at Rollers. I got a chicken pot pie, but it wasn't really that. It was sort of a mix of chicken, veggies, and way too many mushrooms (which I ended up picking out), with some type of pie-ish bread-ish thing slapped on top. It was pretty good, though. Me parallel parking Big Red was a sorry, sorry sight. And filling the tank with gas was slightly amusing. Let's just say I don't feel as dumb now. :-P

Katie's tonight. Hopefully that'll be fun.

I'm supposed to be looking up stuff for scholarships, but I think I'm gonna guitr instead. Maybe I'll even work on my site.

I think maybe I feel replaced.

I don't know what to do now...no one's online. I don't feel like writing, drawing, playing guitar, sleeping, being online, eating, or anything. WHY IS THERE NOTHING TO DO AT 4:17 IN THE MORNING??

I can't sleep. I fell asleep with my lights on and got up around 3:30 and did my routine. And then I laid in bed and couldn't sleep. I read 6 pages in Catcher In The Rye, turned my light off, and laid there.

I realized I was really out of it at auditions today. I didn't read the thing on the sheet I filled out that told me when play practice would be, I didn't look at the script and check out the parts, and I got really confused during my second reading. And I was slightly confused during my first reading, and I missed all the funny parts. I was just really confused in general, I think.

Rachel was supposed to call me before they went bowling. I couldn't go anyway, but she didn't even call. Gee, I'm so glad I'm remembered.

I feel so fucking unimportant to all but one person. Good thing that person means enough to counteract how I'm feeling about everyone else. Or how I'm feeling that they're feeling about me. It still upsets me, though.

Ahh yes, I forgot to mention how my audition went. It was alright, considering I'd never seen the play or the part I was reading before. The first time I read I played a cop, and Mr. VR told me to be a tough lady cop. It was fun, and I feel that it went alright. The second time I played some lady. I don't really know who, and no one told me what my motivation was. And I just sort of started to get confused, and it wasn't that great. There aren't many parts in this play, and I realllllllly hope I get in. No offense...but they should use seniority. It's our last play, and if an underclassman takes my spot, I will not be happy.

So. I took a nap, and I feel a whole lot better.

To do list:
1) Call Mexican Cultural Center, talk to lady.
2) Sr. Project stuff...consider calling nursing home back.
3) RANK. Due Wed.

Yeah. Today was alright, I suppose. Aside from when I got in a really weird mood and was getting annoyed at next-to-nothing things. Then...auditions. For some reason I just couldn't get happy there. I was sitting next to Eddie, who was talking (the ENTIRE TIME) to this one girl who really annoys me, and another girl who wouldn't shut up. I told them to be quiet, and I got attitude. I didn't care, though, as long as they were quiet. You wanna give me attitude? Fine, but do it silently. Or just feck off.

I decided I don't feel like posting on chortles for this weekend. I don't feel part of the community right now anyway, so why insert myself when I don't feel wanted. And seriously...this is my own blog, I can post about whatever I want here, and not get crap for it. Cause it's mine, so don't read if ya don't want.

Peachy.

EXAMS ARE OVER!!! Do you know what this means? I AM A SECOND SEMESTER SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!!! That means most of my teachers, hopefully, won't care if I slack off. Although...looking at my teachers, let's see. We have Lampe for AP chem. He'll care. I have no doubt in my mind that that class will remain just as hard, if it doesn't get harder. Then we have Coop for math. He'll care. He said whether or not we have a final exam is "a function of how hard we work." Dammit. Mrs. H (physio) definitely cares. She's told us so. Spanish has always been easy, and my teacher never really cared. Of course it's the one class I'd like to do more in. I wish that we could at least only talk in spanish. I feel that since we are SPANISH V we can handle it. I can, at least, and I don't have anyone with whom I can speak spanish often. Next we have english. It's an elective for the second semester, I'm in autobiography. Gee, I have no experience with writing endlessly about myself (I certainly don't have mutiple blogs/online journals or anything). But...I feel that we're gonna have to do some sort of book thing as our end project, and I don't wanna.
Conclusion: I didn't do much work the first semester anyway, but hopefully it will be at least a somewhat lighter load.

I am starting to get freaked out about senior projects, though. I don't know where the Mex. Cult. center even is, and my mom doesn't want me to go to the other place, because she's worried about the creepy people that hang out around there.

Tonight was quite fun :-D James came over and we watched TV. We were gonna rent a movie, but we didn't.

I won't bother you. I really felt invisible today. If it weren't for Jamie...wow. I would feel a lot worse.

Although...last night did sort of bust up my ego.

Ugh. All these fucking window popping up. FUCK OFF. Seriously. I know it's cause I didn't get sleep, but I am really feeling like crap, and I don't mean physically. I'm taking a nap.

NOTE TO SELF: SENIOR PROJECT DEADLINE = FEB 13TH!!

I figured it out. My grandmother likes to talk to herself, Bea (our cleaning lady) likes to talk to herself, thus they make the perfect pair.

I'm cranky and I don't know why.

I wish I could enjoy tonight. I wish it was my last exam today. Not that I had another one tomorrow. And WHY are auditions tomorrow, and I had no idea? I feel stupid.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING NOW?? I hope this ends soon.

I mean, it's better to know I'm not invisible, even when I feel like I am.

Good afternoon. Very nice. Foolish ending, though. Grrrrr.

I must say, it's sort of sad that when I think of how some of my friendships have faded, or are fading now, and I think that it's probably for the better. It'll be easier to let go of less people when I go away. And if we're growing apart in high school, there's no hope we'll stay friends through college.

Sometimes I wonder how I'll react when it all comes down to it. Walking down the aisle, up to the risers. Do they carry flowers? Will we? What will I wear, how will I have my hair? But those are trivial. After having watched them walk down the aisle for however many years, some smiling ear to ear, some crying, I wonder what emotions my face will show. I remember last year seeing one girl who was neither smiling nor crying. She looked almost mad, but I think it was because of all the mixed emotions she felt. That moment - graduation - which seems to be approaching slowly...it scares me. Why am I fixating on this now? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of throwing away everything I've built for 17 years.

Then I get even more scared, and I think what if something happens to me before then, and I don't even make it to graduation?

I know, I know. I need to stop.

p. 176 of Ghosts. It goes to p. 231. I don't feel like it. I hope I get "distracted" soon.

Ok. Stop. PAUSE.
I'm pressing it. And, although I know I can't pause for real, I can attempt to put on future-blinders. Like the blinders carriage-pulling horses wear. Blinders: ON. There, I've fixed it; no more of that tonight. I hope.

Umm yeah. On the other blog I said I want to learn how to play drums. I really do. Then I thought when? I have no time.

Then I thought about the spring play. Then I started, as per usual lately, thinking about how conflicted I am about the spring play, and spring, and going away and...AHHHHHHH!!!!!

I NEED TO TURN MY BRIAN OFF. Wait...if it fell out of my head, how am I still thinking? What's going on??

[edit] Well, my brain can't be working too well, considering I just called it a brian.

Cause I could swirl and spin and twirl and laugh maybe even cry and sooo what exactly am I waiting for then I don't know it'll come to me.

Can you even start to try and judge me based on what you know if I knew what you knew or what you thought you knew oohhhh man what a mess that would be because I never want to know it how you do I like what I see and experience just fine thanks.

* * * * *

Great convo tonight. Can I even start to explain how relieving and freeing? Is that the right word? I don't know, it was just really great. Yeah.

I get worried sometimes, when things seem to be going my way. Because they can't stay going my way forever, and they generally follow the trend of going sour sooner than later. Please PLEEEEASE don't let this be the case. Or let it be something like...a B on an exam.

Beetlebum...

...is singing at the top of her lungs. Hey, no one's home. Yeah Ben Folds.
...is procrastinating studying for physio.
...is hungry.
...is so bored.
...wants to see certain individuals.
...doesn't understand how she can be infinitely happy, scared, and sad all at the same time.

Did I know when I was living it that it was the best time of my life? I think so. That's what makes it even harder to let go.

"Do you remember when we thought we were immortal?
And the games we played always had a happy end.
In the game of life all the roses wither
And time writes its lines upon your face."
-VH

I don't know why, but that song just popped into my head.

Me parece que chortles está roto!! NOOOO!!!

SS has school today. But I'm not there. Because I didn't want to sit around for an hour and a half TALKING about service. Not even doing any, just talking about it. And I reallllly need to study for exams. I still have to organize for physio.

I need to go eat breakfast.

Why does college have to be so hard? I mean, not actual college, but the entire process. I'm in college, yeah. But if you think my worries are done with, you're far from the truth. One of the worst is the thought of leaving. And the knowledge that it's looming. I'm excited, yeah. Whenever my mom and I get in a fight, I think it's ok, college is soon, and I am more than ready to leave. But...man. This is really hard. I hate thinking about it, and I don't particularly enjoy writing about it. But I'm musing. To have to leave my friends, my family, my house my comfortable little area...I'm pretty sure I'll be able to handle it when the time comes, but I don't want to. And I hate that I can't even look forward to things like the next play without it being bittersweet. And talking about whether or not I'll get my Players pin. Because by the time I see if I'll get it or not...it's over. Everything is over and I can't deal with that. I think I need to stop thinking about it and take things one day at a time. But that's easier said than done.

New goal: strike the word "like" from vocabulary. Maybe even start talking with correct grammar.

I will watch Kingpin when it starts on TV, because they play KINKY!!

And I had a good talk with Rachel today about life and lots of stuff. It was really good. So far, today's been good.

Ahh ok. So I may not be going now. I hope I can stay home.

Jamie came over during the 3rd quarter of the sad football game. Of course, I had just gotten out of the shower and was still in a towel when he came. No, I didn't answer the door like that. My grandmother answered and I got dressed. Yeah. It was good....we didn't actually watch that much of the game, because we played on my reallllly old Mac and then went to get pizza. The game was over by the time we got back. Of course we lost. My mom said the Eagles always do this, but I was still hoping we'd win. He ate dinner here, which was interesting....talk about the death penalty and brain tumors...at one point I was like "ok, let's clear our plates..RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!!"

Yeah. I was bummed he had to leave early, but it was good that we could see each other. I'm getting reallll greedy, though. A couple hours is not enough time!

We had a good phone convo after he left, for over an hour I think. I played and beat the lion king on sega while we were talking, but that's clearly not why it was good. We talked about when we first figured out who the other was, and when we started to like each other. And various other things. Yeappppp.

Me gusta escribir en español, porque él no puede entender. Heh.

Shopping at Express today - we hit the 70% off racks and did some nice damage. And I ran today. And I lifted weights and did crunches yesterday.

Dammit. I don't want to go to Newport over Valentine's Day. I have plans already, and I wanted to go to the dance!

Thank God you didn't sink your claws into me,
I was spared
I was saved.
Thank God you didn't sink your teeth into me
and spit your venom into my bloodstream
tainting it forever.
Your victims are never freed.

Scrape me off the bottom of your shoe some days
Pry me from the clouds, others.
Who knows how long this'll last

It's so weird to think about college. We were driving home and I can't remember if it was Eddie or Meghan, but someone said "these are the last days we have like this." I hate thinking about it like that. And it's hard to even be excited for the next play, because it's our last.

Chicago was a weird movie, I'm not sure I liked it.

Nahh, no one's on bitch mode. Esp. not my mom.

I had a dream we were in Newport.

Y estabamos en la playa.
Y estabamos besando un poco.
Y estaba muy contenta.

Estoy contena. Con tu, por supuesto.

I don't think it was a problem...was it?

Guess.

I slept almost an hour later than I wanted to; I meant to get up at 10. I went downstairs to eat breakfast, and my grandmother was in the kitchen starting dinner for tonight. I told her I might want to go out to dinner tonight, but that I don't know if my mom'll let me. She said she didn't know how people my age afford to go out to dinner, and I said "I just woke up."

While I was eating, I was watching her pour tomato sauce in a pan, and suddenly I was reminded of when she was in the hospital. She must've been off the intubator at that point, because she was talking. She was semi-conscious, though not aware of what had happened or what was going on. I remembered this because she was talking to my mom about food. She asked my mom who was making dinner, and told my mom to make fish and potatos, and was telling my mom how to cook them.

Nip it in the bud you are smart and that's one of the many things I like about you.

STUPID SNOW. You ruin everything.

I'm thankful for the clouds that are beautiful, even though they are not made of cotton candy. I'm happy with the world from an altitude of 3,500 feet.
I love the mountains that peek above the clouds like massive icebergs poking through the water's surface. I am not disappointed that the snow sprinkled on top isn't actually powdered sugar.

Did I mess it up?

Start over? Ok. I can do that.

My mom flipped out at me last night, so to try and appease her I got up at 8:30 and cleaned the snow off of her car. I tried to go back to sleep after that, but of course I felt the need to write stuff down, including things I needed to remember to do. One of them involves posting a Neruda poem or two that I came across while organizing for english.

* * * * *

Well, I heard a noise, so I turned the radio up and it went away. It was too late when I decided I should have tried to do something about it, instead of just ignoring it. So I turned the radio down, and I can't tell if the faint clacking sound is real, or if it's in my mind. What do I do if it returns full force? I might be ready to fix it myself. Maybe.

* * * * *

Here's the sonnet. I think it's cool.

Love Sonnet XI

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

-Pablo Neruda

The parts about eating various things are really intense; I really like the first stanza, though.

You make me smile.

It's a whole different feeling...

I'm so glad I don't have an exam tomorrow. That would just exponentially increase my current state of insanity/stress. I could probably cry on command now, due to my chem exam. It really was that bad. My grandmother picked me up, so I didn't take the train. That was one of today's few redeeming moments. The other was Jamie being really nice and comforting me when I was crying.

I got home, ate half a piece of cheeze pizza, ate some cookies and probably some candy and half a glass of chocolate milk to drown my sorrows (this is one of the rare occassions on which I've eaten because I was upset...I don't normally do that, so you can tell it's bad). I realllllly didn't want to work out, but lately I never feel like it and I go anyway. I always need to most when I don't feel like it. So I went. It was pretty good. I did all my weights and some crunches and the treadmill. I ran my shortest mile, due to the fact that I figured out if I don't leave the thing on that says how far I've gone and for how long I've been running, it doesn't seem as bad. And I put it on a high speed. So I speedwalked after I ran, and then jogged for 2 1/2 minutes.

Shit. My mom's gonna lecture me later. I CAN'T WAIT.

Oh my God. Chem was the hardest exam I've ever taken. I've cried three times already - one last night, one during the exam, and one after, and I feel like crying just thinking about it. Ugh.

And all I want to do when I look at this chem is cry. I think I need to go to bed. Like right now.

I feel exhausted now.

I lost it when Tom tried to explain what a polar molecule is. BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLL?!?!?!

I hate looking people in the eyes when I'm crying.

I hate being vulnerable.

I hate having a breakdown about chem.

I remember when you were sitting alone...

I couldn't get connected for a little bit, but finally, after changing the dial-up number a couple times, I got it. I took it as a sign, though, that I couldn't get on. A sign that I need to study. Because I do. I hope to get at least a good two hours of studying in tomorrow morning. Sleeping in for me will be about 8:30. No exam Friday, though. I might as well make the best of it since it's not changing. It means that I have two three-day weekends in a row, and that my three hardest exams aren't bunched together, so it may save a year or two of my life by relieving some of my stress. And the exam will be over by 11 on the make up day (the exam = physio), which will be about the time everyone who's home (or half the people who're home) start waking up.

"Finish every day and be done with it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Mom's kicking me off. Night.

So do I not fix something that's not broken, or do I take preemtive measures?

----

I'm a chem nerd.

"You took the words right out of my mouth. Oh, it must've been while you were kissing me."

Har.

It was on 96.5 while I was driving home from working out, stuck in a long line of traffic. The words are sort of cute, though.

So. I'm tired from working out, and I need to go eat dinner, and today was a pretty nondescript day. The chem test on naming organic compounds wasn't too bad, surprisingly. There were a couple breakthroughs (like when I figured out, by process of elimination, that an amine has NH₂ and that by looking at the ester I'd drawn and named on the first page, I could name the ester on the back....and that the thing in the back was, in fact, an ester to begin with). I'm so wise.

I feel that I've been ignoring this blog. I'm sorry, blog. I love you.

I feel like musing, but it's hard to muse when I know other people may see this...

Neener. At school. Exams? Yeah, they're real soon. It hit me last night, which is sort of too late to realize that you reeeeeaaaahhhllllyyyyyyyy need to study.

Beautiful words appear out of thin air today, almost as if by magic. You are the master of all languages, whether verbal, symbolic or telepathic. No thought is too complex or powerful to express. Make sure you have a pen and some paper nearby so you can write down every idea that comes to mind. Tonight, understanding others is the beginning of peaceful coexistence. Give someone else a chance to explain his or her point of view before you add your comments.

I LOVE studying for CHEM!!! Esp. when I don't know anything.

Watch it.

* * * * *

Tonight was good, but, as usual, absolutely not long enough.

Two months. It seems long and short all at the same time.

You really can't tell by time.

Why is it that when some people act insecure, or say they feel unloved, they get showered with words of encouragement and people saying "oh no! We love you! Don't be insecure!" and when I say it I get this:

::silence::

Whatever. I can deal. I'm not asking for your fucking sympathy. I'm not asking for anyone's sympathy. I post what I want and people can deal with it.

Moving away from that.

I think one of the problems I have is that no one loves me best. I know that's a very selfish sounding way to put it, but it's true. Or...almost true. There were two people I wanted to talk to the other day when I felt like total crap. One was my mom. See...my friends all have better friends. I haven't had a best friend since preschool, since Ali. I wish I still kept in touch with her. I wish I had started talking to Kyle. I don't have regrets, though. I can't, because that's a waste of time. We were talking about this in english - the idea of how different things would be if you'd done one thing differently, and how obsessed we are with that thought. I used to wonder that a lot. I don't care anymore; it's a waste of time to think about, because if you spend all your time thinking "what if this, what if that?" then you'll never live the here and now.

All I can say is that I've had enough philosophy for a while. I don't care about the abstract.

Now I'm a yogurt and oyster crackers.

What happened, Pisces? You got off to such a great start, but you're suddenly feeling fatigued. Don't be surprised when your huge lead slows back down to a walking pace. Now that you've had your fun, another person gets a chance. Crossing the finish line is what's important -- not finishing the race first. The promise that you made to yourself is still good -- you just don't have the energy to be 'on' all the time. You should be proud of your effort

Daily fortune says You are what you eat.

If that's true, then I'm honey roasted cashews right now.

Nothing noteworthy happened today. My back felt better, but started hurting later on. I think it may have been from dance. It really was a nothing type of day.

I wish I could exercise but my grandmother's not home and my back's not up to it.

Pues...
Tengo miedo solo de una cosa, y es esto:
Te perderé.
Necesito una palabra
Entre "encantar" y "gustar."
Quiero hablar contigo siempre
Y todo el tiempo, cuando estamos juntos,
Estoy contenta.
No sé porque escribí esto en español.
Pues, es una mentira.
Yo sé porque.
Porque no puedo decirte esto.
¿Porque?
No sé.
Horas son como minutos
Y minutos son como segundos
Te....¿Qué?
¿Te quiero?
Pues..."quiero" significa dos cosas.

Typing in a circle! In Spanish!!

AHHH!!!

Well, I never did write about why I felt so alone. Maybe I'll leave it. It was yesterday, I believe. It was the worst I've felt in so long. I hate that feeling. Hate it. I don' t know how to describe it, but it was sort of ironic because we'd just been talking about it in english the other day. Aren't you not supposed to feel alone when you're with your closest friends? What does it say when you do feel alone when you're with them?

All I have to say is that naps can fix most anything. I took another one today, and it made my back feel a lot better.

Daily fortune: Stop searching forever - happiness is just next to you.

I know. Or...it was next to me earlier.

This is the second most painful backache I've ever had, I think. The painkillers didn't work, and my back started to cramp up during spanish because of the uncomfortable seats. I had to lay on the floor during the second half of spanish and during physio because it was so bad. The most painful backache ever was after the Peter Pan cast party. Ohhh man.

Don't think you know what's going on in my head, or why I say the things I say and do the things I do. You don't. Don't assume. Right now I'm starting to understand the existentialist theory.

Ugh.

You've finally been given the go-ahead to make your ideas a reality, and you're more than ready to accept the responsibility. Now that you're comfortable with all this power, take one more day to influence people. Your persuasive speech has the ability to change someone's mind in just the way that you hoped. Go out into the streets and let people know what you have in store for them. Your personal magic plays well to a bigger crowd.

Ahh beat boxing.

I should write about today. But I should also get off the phone and start my homework and shower. I will...soon.

ediets.com

Three things I like:

1. Colors
2. Things that work
3. Summer

Three things I dislike:

1. Isomers and hydrocarbon chain naming
2. English papers
3. English papers

Natalie & I talked during first period. It was good.

She said I don't smell, among other things. I'd rather not write about the other things, because they're none of your (it'll be funny when I read this later and realize I'm pretty much the only one who reads this blog anyway :-P) business.

Feck you.

The fact that I haven't gotten enough sleep for the past two nights just caught up with me.

I'm tired and cranky.

I worked out! I worked out! I increased all my weights (except for triceps). WOO HOO!

I was reading a livejournal and I found this:

"I feel like i wanna scream and cry and laugh and spin all at the same time, i guess you can call that love."

I guess that answers my question, and that's the best way I've ever heard it put.

I would, however, like to share my insecurities with you.

I realized that when I write papers, I never really commit to one idea. I always write about how this, that, or the other thing could be possible. Does that show a lack of ability to commit?

* * * * *

Do you have people with whom you just don't want to talk about serious things? Yeah. So then...what if you have something serious to talk about? What then?

The burning
-you thought I was going to say pain
or ache
or something of that sort
but I was going to say-
Desire
-or-
Zest for life.
I'll leave this open-ended

What does love mean to you?
What does it mean to me?
I hate rhetorical questions.
I can answer what it means to me,
But that's for another time
And another place.
I can tell you what love isn't, though.
Love isn't pain.
And if love is a dull ache
Fear
Insecurity
And tears
Then I don't want it.

I'm just fine, thank you.
I'm comfortable, like I said.
Could you come here, please
And I could get my down blanket
And we could flip the switch of the fire place
And sip medium-chocolate, so I don't burn my tongue
And we could talk
Or watch TV
Or just sit
Even minus the fire
And the medium-chocolate
And the blanket
Plus anywhere else
As long as that one component's there.

Do I have to define it?
I don't even know what "it" is.
Some kind of feeling, I know that.
But I'm not eager to know it better,
Nor do I want to spend any time
Figuring it out.
It won't need figuring out when I'm supposed to know
What it is.
Strong?
Weak?
In between?
Maybe.
We may not have all the time in the world
But we have enough, I hope,
To not rush.
Everything will work out,
It will all fall into place
Whatever and wherever that may be.

And if you don't like my writing, buzz off. I'm in the Radiohead mood. I've missed this mood; it's especially good this time, because it's an uplifted version of the Radiohead mood. I know it's weird. I know I sound like a weirdo. But look at normal: high socks (pink) and a very very short plaid skirt and clothes tighter than my skin. No thanks.

So. Serious might be too serious, but not serious might not be serious enough.
?

Dust off your canvas, clean your brushes and buy some new paints, Pisces. There's always a new story to tell, always a new picture to be revealed through the magic of your art. The Fish dances elegantly between the worlds of light and shadow today. Try not to be a bother to anyone who can't handle your superior creativity and upbeat attitude. It's important to keep in mind that everyone gains when you help yourself.

I decided to start with my horroscope today because of something that happened in Pub. We were talking about submitting, and Natalie told us all to submit, and I said "I don't write anymore, so I don't really have anything to submit."

It's the truth, but for some reason it stung. Aside from the weird things I write in here, and from the rare times when I work on my next stream of consciousness, I don't write. Is it beacuse I don't have time? That may be part of it. But I know that if I really had something...some sort of creative burst that needed to come out...I would be able to find time to let it surface. I feel like this is some pivotal point, but I don't know exactly what it has to do with, or what I can do about it. Most of the poems I've read lately that have been written by my peers seem to fit into specific categories - writing about death, self image, darkness, or happiness - and most of them seem to have the same style - "I scream. Do you hear me?" - that type of thing. There are a couple that aren't like that; I'm just generalizing. So, this would be the opportune time for me to branch off and start writing with a different style, get some special message across, and write about something other than the traditional topics, right?

There is a problem, of course. I don't know whether it's that the "creative juices" are just not flowing, or what. I'm actually starting to wonder if they were ever flowing. When I read the stuff I've written...I don't like a good portion of it. It's foolish. There are a couple that I like though. So is that the right thing to do? Write a bunch of crap and get a couple good ones out of there? I can't stand when I sit and try to write something, something good, and know that I'm writing crap. I just don't know what to write about. I'm not really depressed, I don't feel like writing about being invisible or about my body image or anything of the sort. It's hard to write about happy things, for some reason.

I hate when I get a song I don't like stuck in my head. But it's ok, I'm remedying it with some Dispatch.

And I don't even need to say blub blub blub anymore, because it's pretty much happening on a constant basis now. I haven't worked out in almost a week, I think. I don't actually remember when I last worked out. I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it, "it" being my stomach slowly growing larger, any potential it had for definition going down the crapper, my arms getting flabbier, my legs probably also getting flabbier, and just a general feeling that I'm growing. Out. It's like my body is getting ready for hibernation. And I have almost no self control over what I eat. That's why working out was so good - I could eat pretty much whatever I wanted, but it didn't matter because I could exercise. Now, because of the snow, I can't drive to work out. And I have to work on a paper, so I can't even do things in my house. Maybe I'll do some crunches or something. I'm afraid to run again, because last time I ran I really didn't feel well.

I was trying to think what happened - when exactly did my self esteem about my body start sinking? Probably when I started gaining weight back. I just feel like I finally thought I looked good, and I'm losing my grasp on it. I hate feeling like this. I thought maybe I was just bloated or something, but I don't think that's it. I'll randomly notice that my stomach is sagging, whereas I used to hold it in using my muscles - I had to during the summer. But now, because it's winter, I wear lots of layers, so no one sees my stomach and it's free to hang out.

Ahh, a most appropriate song is playing right now:

"I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul...
I wish I was special."

- Radiohead, Creep

I just want to get back to art. I miss drawing, even though I was always lazy about it. I'm sick of not having time for the things I love. Know what I do at school? I go from one class I hate to the next class I hate. Some classes I don't hate, but I don't really like any class I have. I know I'm sounding really negative now. Too bad. I just really miss drawing and painting with Mr. J. as my teacher, and I miss photo, and I miss at least thinking I had some talent when it came to writing. And I miss playing guitar, and writing songs. I can't write songs either.

To categorize, here is a list of classes in decreasing order of how much I hate them:
1) Math
2) English
3) Chambers
4) Physio
5) Chem/Spanish

Dance doesn't count as academic, and I'd probably like it the most if I didn't have to trudge down to SS to get there. I'll probably like photo the best when second semester starts and I am in the class again. I can't wait.

I did five loads of laundry today. Yes, five. Two dark loads, cold, normal cycle (both were pretty full). One light load, cold, gentle. One dark load, cold, gentle. One load of towels I found in my hamper, plus a pair of pants. They're actually sitting in the washing machine downstairs now, but I don't care enough to go down and put them in the dryer. But oh, horror! I have a pair of pants and a shirt in the dryer that I wanted to get out. Alas...

"Pisces tend to elude any obstacles or conflicts with an escapism of some kind, either an unrealistic optimism or by living a life of fantasy."

Getting into chem-mode is the worst. It starts out with me staring at whatever I'm doing completely blankly, not understanding it at all. Slowly, I remember what I'm supposed to be doing, and can sort of figure out where I need to go from there. But that time period during which I am confused is the worst.

We're all going our seperate ways, but we can all still come together every once in a while and have fun. That's what I didn't realize before. It doesn't matter; this is how it happens.

My daily fortune says: Stop surfing the Web and get to work!

Yeah. I will eventually. The internet's boring in the morning, anyway.

Three things I like:

1. Honesty
2. Candy
3. Freedom

Three things I dislike:

1. Liars
2. Drunks
3. Homework

I am comfortable.

[I don't mean in the clothes I'm wearing now or how I'm sitting.]

I'm totally in the mood for a deep conversation. Ideally, I would be laying on someone's lap, them playing with my hair, and we'd talk. About anything and everything. When did this mood arise?

* * * * *

Today. It was a rather productive day, I must say. I worked on homework. I did physio and chem. And I think I sort of somewhat maybe have a topic for my english paper. It's due Tuesday. We'll see about that.

So. It was homework in the morning, then an hour break for lunch, during which I read the Sunday comics and watched a really poor, old horror film on UPN. Then more work. The chem labs are funny. Funny because I don't so much understand them sometimes. I get sort of physcho when I do chem, because I start to talk to myself. I am also a very disorganized chemist. I have a bunch of rather disorganized chem papers from this year and last in my closet.

Jamie and I had quite the interesting (read: frustrating) time trying to figure out what to do tonight. My mom was really being a pain about it. And we probably could've hung out longer, because I went to the P's to work on chem, except we didn't work on chem. I ended up going to Jamie's house for about 45 minutes (clearly not enough time, because even 3 hours doesn't seem long enough, thus...you get the point) and we listened to his ipod while he played bass and I played guitar. Then I tried to play his bass. It wasn't hard, but it was a beast. The strings are huuuuuuuge, and the smallest one is still a little bigger than my guitar's largest string. It's weird to me, ok?

Went over to the P's after that. Kat and I talked for a little while, then she went upstairs to email her english teacher about an essay. I migrated to the big comfy couch, followed by Moose and Kirby, and later joined by Not Steve. Not Steve came and curled into a fluffball next to me, while I rubbed her belly. Then she fell asleep, and I worked on physio. At one point she jolted awake & moved to my lap, where she fell asleep again, and I abandond physio to read a little bit of my english book. I eventually went upstairs, where Kat was still emailing. Read some more. She went downstairs, I continued reading (I really only ended up reading a few chapters, which are only a page or two long), Steve visited me again, I blogged, Tom came, I went downstairs. He and I talked, and it was really nice. I haven't seen him for more than five minute intervals all break, and it was good to catch up. He told me about what he and Debra did in NY, etc., and I told him about what's been going on with me. 'Twas good. Then Kat, Tom, and I all watched the bachelor, but the version where he comments about it at the very end, and Tom played with my hair. I left around 10:45.

All in all it was a pretty laid back day.

Shock and dazzle me with your
Non-rhetorical rhetoric
The questions not to be answered
And answers not to be questioned.
Someone told me once
That you
Lie.

"...I still have your books
Sorry I never read them
But it says so much about us.
Always trying to make love out of care.
The perfect recipe
But something wasn't there.
And I wish you
Sunrays and Saturdays
Perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
And a love that's warm and bright."

-VH

Last night Jamie came over & we played the worst case scenario board game & N64. 'Twas a fun time :-D

I got up at 9:45 today. Why so early? Because today I need to do my homework, see Jamie, help Kat with the 10 mystery test tubes lab, and do another lab with her. I should work out and clean my room, but neither of those are looking likely. I'll be lucky if I have time to shower.

I go between being completely ready for college and being reluctant to leave. When we were at Penn and I saw a bunch of college kids eating where we bought lunch, I sort of thought I don't look like a college kid. But now I'm ready again. UGH. Why won't she let me have the freaking car?

Today my mom and I went down to Penn and I got a sweatshirt, and a few presents for people. Yeah. I have to do homework, and I want to go out tonight. Wish me luck.

Well, I feel the need to write a lot, since this blog's been out of commission for a few days.

We'll start with the 30th. My mom and I went to the mall (P.M. mall). We went to H&M, where I got some cute skirts, a pair of black pants (finally), and some shirts. We then went to Wet Seal, where I got a skirt and two shirts, and to Joyce Leslie, where my mom decided she didn't like what I wanted to buy, and she made me leave. I think I stayed home that night and talked on the phone.

31st: I think we went to Kohls and Saks and the gym, although that could've been the 29th...maybe. But I don't think it was the 29th...

And of course, the Pringles' New Years party! I had a really good time. I had been upset about...things...with my friends and another party, but I ended up stopping by the other party, not having fun, and leaving to go back to the fun party at the Pringles'. I did get to see Gabe, though, which was good. I also helped put together a Beatles puzzle, played with swords that cling and clang and glow blue when you move them, and hang out with my friends (y mi novio, por supuesto). I got to kiss under mistletoe for the first time, and I rang in the New Year with a Martinelli, a kiss, a honking horn, and hugs from my friends (and "Hap Pyne Wye Ar!"). It really was the best New Years I've had. I wanted to call my mom and wish her a Happy New Year, but I thought she might have been sleeping (although she later informed me that she was awake). I wasn't allowed to sleep over, so I got a ride home and was in my house around 1:30. I didn't go to bed until around 3, when I fell asleep while writing in my journal. I must say, falling alseep with makeup on is not a good plan. I have mixed feelings about not being allowed to sleep over. On the one hand, I really wanted to sleep over a lot. On the other hand, it was nice to start the New Year off somewhat well-rested. At least I can see the positive side - that's got to count for something :-P.

1st: My mom and I went back to the mall, back to H&M where I got this really cool white sleeveless awesome...thing. It's almost like a corsett; it's so cool. We also went back to Joyce Leslie, where I got what I'd wanted to get two days before. And we went to the dollar store where I got some hair bands and clips for cheap.

The 2nd, it seems, is today! Today we went to Target and another store, which I will not name (think bargain shopping). I got a pair of spandex, and attempted to get presents for people. I got a few, and for some I got makeup that I think is cool. Hopefully, if I give it to them, they'll like it. I came home and had four messages on my machine; I felt so loved! Two were from Meghan, one was from Jamie, and one was from Haverford, about the interview I want to cancel (I left a message for them about a week ago). I called Jamie back, and, as usual, we couldn't think of a thing to do tonight. There's nothing to do around here, that's the problem. Especially when your mom doesn't want you to drive because it's supposed to be bad weather, or when you're too tired to drive. Meghan called on the other line while I was talking to him, and asked if I wanted to go over. We ended up going, and Eddie brought his DVD player and a bunch of movies. But first we played Nintendo. The original. Mario Brothers. I was whooping Eddie's ass (I have the first and third Mario Bros in Newport), but we decided to turn it off and start the movie. Meghan & Eddie rock-paper-scissored over what movie to watch (boys said Triple X, girls said Spiderman), and we won!! So we watched Spiderman. It was good, except for the incredibly poor lines they gave to Kirsten Dunst, esp. at the end.

I am starting to get scared about my homework situation, but hopefully I'll work on some tomorrow. I don't feel like working out, but I might have to, esp. after having greasy chinese food for dinner two nights in a row. Tomorrow my mom and I are going to Penn for a little bit, then she wants to go to some store in Manyunk (sp?), and to work out. I want to do homework in the afternoon, and maybe go out to dinner tomorrow night. But what to do after dinner??

I have to write an english paper, and I realized: I don't know what the topic of this paper really is. Something about narration, but what?? Ohhhh Tom...

My horroscope from the newspaper is SO accurate today:

* * * * * You make strong decisions about a friendship right now. You might want to take the next few weeks to re-evaluate before you take action. New information could be forthcoming that will impact how you look at others. Tonight: Where the party is. (Do you ever stop?)

My mom and I are going to target today. Maybe I can find some presents there. I am starting to worry about my homework situation, considering I haven't really started, and don't know when I'm going to.

Went back to the Plymouth Meeting Mall w/ my mom today. But I have yet to write about the first excursion. Basically we went to H&M, Wet Seal, & Joyce Leslie & I got some clothes. Right now I'm wearing the very girly jeans skirt I got, with a pink shirt. I feel really...feminine...and I'm conflicted about it. I think I'd wear this outfit with my Matrix boots.

Ok, I believe I've gotten it to work. I don't know what's wrong, but there's something going on with beetlebum.blogspot.com, so I change the URL. Hopefully it'll work, DEAR GOD please let it work. In any case, here are two old posts that didn't post before...

[12/29/2002 6:40:08 PM | Beetle Bum]
Um... ¿Donde está mi novio?

I'm in a fucking bad mood. I don't completely know why, but partially because my mom won't even let me out of the house tonight. At all. I have to stay home and clean my room. Not even my room...I'm cleaning out and looking through a junk drawer, and it's taking forever.

WTF.

[12/29/2002 5:17:21 PM | Beetle Bum]
I ran. I'm really exhausted. I didn't feel so well in the middle...kind of like I might fall over, but I kept going.

* * * * *

I know they're not totally relevant, but I wanted them there. If this works, my musings about 2002 will be soon to come.

Ho hum..

Work now? PLEASE?