The thing that people don't realize when they say
"things aren't just black and white,
there are shades of grey"
is that that's so trite.
There are colors to be dealt with,
red and green and blue, round the door.
The sound of jingle bells, and laughter everywhere
...you get the point.
If things were simply shades of light and dark,
even if only on a scale from one to ten,
all you would have to do is erase or darken a little
and the answer would be clear.
Well, not clear, but lighter or darker.
Ok, so on a scale of one to ten
the shades do start to blend toghether,
but what doesn't?
And there's this saying:
"man makes plans, God laughs."
And love is a strong word,
I still believe it's the strongest word out there.
Second to none.

You have this light blue shirt
that you used to wear
I wonder if you still have it.
You don't have blue eyes
but it went so well with you
with your skin.
I wasn't attracted to you in it
but I could recognize how good it looked.
I'd like to tell you to wear it again.

We used to talk in spanish.
I don't do that anymore.
I don't do a lot of things anymore.
I think I don't complain as much
Or wish...certain things anymore.

Sometimes I think I'm not as creative.
Creativity gave way to parties
and staying up late to talk online
or catching up on homework.
Sometimes I wonder
if I should mourn this
this life which could be viewed
as so empty.
But at the end of the day
I am rarely unhappy.
I just measure my life by different things.
How much fun did I have today?
How did I do on that test?
How did I feel, how much sleep did I get?
Who did I interact with and where and when
and under what circumstances.
That's what it comes down to,
the circumstances.
The mood
the lighting.
Not really the lighting
so much as the mood.

Don't call this a poem.
Poems are for creative people
who put more effort,
time and thought into what they write.
And they make it rhyme.
I could never make things rhyme.

Bet you didn't know I had a website. Me neither. Well, I mean I knew, I've just neglected it for a good two years. I've decided to make it my mission, should I choose to accept it, to spruce it up a little, and make it less...immature. And maybe even kinda cool. I haven't done any html stuff in quite the while. Plus I need something new (or old enough to be new when it's revived) to do to procrastinate work, since I beat Kirby last night.

This happens more than it used to. I'll sit down and want to write something profound, something moving. Something that gives you a glimpse into my inner workings, lets you see what makes me tick, while at the same time also shedding light on the greater picture: human beings as a whole. Usually I sit for a minute, think...and realize there is nothing profound in my life and put up the white flag. So why not do that now? Why write an entry about wanting to be profound? How, exactly, is this entry about the lack of deep and meaningful things going to translate into anything worthwhile? Damned if I know.

I could write about how I am selfish, and how most people are inherently selfish. I could do that.

My mom's not selfish. She is the least selfish person I have ever met in my 19 years of life, which, granted may not seem all that long, but I have sure met a fair amount of people. And I'm not just saying this because she's my mom and I love her and because I have to think anything specific about her. It's because even when she is down, even when she's sick and needing help, she tries to think of others also. Who is she and where did she come from? She is so strong. It's so strange that someone can be so strong and so weak at the same time. Not physically strong but her will is the strongest I've ever known. When she wants something she gets it. She knows how and she's not afraid to make a fuss, bite someone's head off, be sugary sweet, or pull out any of the oldest (and some of the newer) tricks in the book. But she doesn't go after something if she doesn't need it or feel that she deserves it. She is not a cheater - she's also the most honest person I know. I'm sure she's told lies, but there's a saying about how some people lie to protect themselves and some people lie to protect others. She falls in the second category. I just admire her so much. I think I tell her so tomorrow.

I'm not going to write about how selfish I am. I will simply say that I was reluctant to come home at first. No, reluctant is the wrong word. Upset that I had to come home, miss out on all the fun tonight and tomorrow night, and Saturday during the day. But (and this happened last time too) as soon as I got home I knew that this is where I need to be right now. I don't belong anywhere else, and I am not really upset anymore about what parties I'll miss for two days. There will always be more parties, of that I am sure.

So the grand, profound moral of this story is: there is none.

I like answering metaphors and crypticisms with more metaphors.

But sometimes metaphors bother me.

I digress, though, because I've discussed this before.

It's been a while since I last blogged. I've lost the desire to lately, as is expected when I'm at school and running around like a chicken w/o a head (or, alternately, sitting on my ass putting off work by playing Nintendo or something of that sort).

Um...yeah, I still don't really feel like blogging. Maybe later.

In the solitude of home this weekend, I've come to no grand conclusions about life, and have found no secret meanings or underpinnings that will tell me how to live properly, other than that sleep is key. It is funny, though, how at home 10 seems close to bedtime. Granted, I didn't get to bed last night until 3, but I was tired at midnight and ready to call it a night at one (this is not very common for me at school).

The quiet time has actually been pretty nice, albeit unproductive. I haven't been sitting around pondering life, but I have realized that it's ok to be home. I'm not gonna die from not getting to go to every party. On the contrary, this weekend should do me some good, I hope. Some confusion still hasn't cleared up, but I'm not sure when it will, if any time soon. But in this time I have realized that maybe that's ok. It's nothing apocalyptic. It's something I can control, not something that controls me, and if I want it to change, it will change. If I am unsure what I want, it may stay the same until I can decide.

On another note, I need to stop eating so much.

Somehow I always find my way back to the weird "thing" (I don't call it a poem, don't mistake it for such, because that implies there was an intent of art, style, or some sort of coherent form when I wrote it) that I wrote (Oct 7th...since I took the permalink off a while ago and don't know how to replace it). It's one of my favorites, and I again stumbled upon it when I was checking to see what I'd done last year or two years ago around this time.

Why was I doing that? I'm home. I've nothing better to do. No wait, I could've gone to sleep. Instead of coming on the computer and scanning pictures while my mom took a nap (around 8:30) I could have also taken a nap. After all, I did fall asleep today around 2:30 and not wake up until 3:20 for my 3 - 4 German class. Instead of skipping the class completely, though, I opted to attend the last 20 minutes, so as not to have that count as an absence. Then I missed the train I was supposed to take home (rarely, if ever, do I catch the trains home that I intend to take), among other shitty things that happened (including not goint to bed until 4 the previous night, then waking up at 9 to call the doctor, then being called back by them twice, which interrupted attempts at falling back to sleep, and then, during my second callback, being asked if I could come in right then...I suppose all in all this isn't a bad thing because I needed to go...but it was soo early, I was there for so long, and then didn't have sufficient time to take a nap when I got back).

Tonight I had a yummy home cooked meal de mi abuela, consisting of brisket, potatos, carrots, and peaches. And then I proceeded to come online, scan, and play online poker for a few hours. Oh, the excitement.

To be optimistic, though, it's probably the most convenient time for me to have to be home. First, because I haven't slept well for the past week, so hopefully I can catch up on that (though here I am, wasting my catch-up time), and because I shouldn't be partying this weekend. So it all works out. But there are a few parties tomorrow night I am gonna be sad to miss. I just have to keep telling myself that there will be other parties to attend.

As for me, it's bed time.

Sometimes I hate metaphors. Sometimes I wish people would just come out and say what they want to say, instead of embellishing everything and skirting around the subject, leaving it open for interpretation.

Have you noticed that there are five posts in a row that begin with "I"? I almost started this one with it too, and the point of this post is merely to draw attention to the fact that that's bad. So I'm gonna try to stop. Starting now.

There's a mistake to be made but I don't know what it is and no one can tell me the right answer, not even me.

I did the best workout I've done in a long time tonight. Ran for 24 min, then did EFX for 26 min. Burned a couple hundred calories, about 400 - 500. Watched World Series of Poker while I was on the treadmill & EFX. Then did crunches, reg & side. Then did dip assist/chin assist. Then came back really excited about it & was told that I'm untoned, which I interpret as fat and gross. Great.

I thought about you today. It's not a frequent occurrance. I thought about you when I took my guitar out to play, because you used to say guitr. That was it. Then I thought about how shitty things turned out. I hope you read this and know I mean you, specifically, because I do have some things to say to you. I took you off my buddy list a while ago, and I don't remember your screenname (good thing there are so many numbers in it). I hate how you changed. Who did you become? There's so much to say, but it's a moot point. But really...why did you become what you did? Was it because of me, or was I the reason you didn't become that way earlier? And really, I can't imagine what would have happened if we'd become friends again. That's not true, I can imagine. We'd be friends. What a weird thought. It could've never happened after... Well, after everything that happened. And I know I don't know everything, but I know a hell of a lot more than you think I know. With that said, ew. Ew to you. Obviously who am I to say you should or shouldn't do anything? I'm as little a part of your life as you are a part of mine. But...for serious. There are no words for how appalled I am by your recent endeavors. How lame. The worst part is that you're just like the rest of the disgusting people. That was one of the best things about you: you weren't them. Things change. Things change like fucking woah.

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Usually empty conversations piss me off. I usually view them as a huge waste of time, but right now I am enjoying a thoroughly meaningless one.

I am so tempted to read it. I want to know. But I know it's not there. Shouldn't I just check, though? NO. And I'm not going to. I have fucking willpower.