Is it because I changed, or because you changed? Because I wouldn't or couldn't, or you?

Reading through old emails now. I am really sorry. I don't know where it went wrong, I really don't. There came a point at which I didn't want it anymore.

So, I haven't had much of a life since Jamie's been gone. But he'll only be gone one other time during the summer, so I'll be alright. I don't think I care enough to call people up and ask what's going on. Plus I'm really tired from this week. I did more updating of the library, which, since I didn't explain it in my last post, I'll explain now. There'll be a packet of papers, and the top few will be a list. It's a list of pages to remove, and a list of pages to replace those that you take out. It looks something like this...

Pages to be removed Page 5-9 through 5-13.13....... Page 7-5........ etc.

Pages to be inserted Page 5-9 through 5-13.14(1) Page 7-5 through 7-6.1 etc.

So that goes on for a very, very, VERY long time. It's not too bad. Except for the one I had today, because for that one it was country codes, and they were just listed in a paragraph.

Pages to be removed AS, AZ, EE, EP, ET, JP, KR, ETC!

Pages to be inserted AS, AZ, EE, EP, ET, JP, KR, AND MORE!

So that wasn't even so bad. It was almost easier in a way. HOWEVER...when I was done replacing the pages, I was supposed to go through every single page and check that the date on the bottom of the page matched the date on a sheet that came with the update pages. But my mom taught me a quick way to flip through pages, so even that wasn't too bad.

I also answer the phones at the main reception desk. It's actually sort of hard to remember who's calling while you're searching for the name of who's being called on the switchboard. Especially because there are three Johns, two Steves, etc. So you know, yesterday John O's wife called, but I accidentally connected her to John D. Stuff like that. But I'm getting good at it.

All in all, the job's not bad. Boring at times, but hey....if someone wants to pay me to be bored, I'm fine with that! The only downside is that I get home between 6:45 and 7 at night.

I GOT A JOB!!! I went in yesterday and the woman hired me on the spot! I'm working at a lawfirm, in Support Service, aka answering phones, filing, etc. I get paid big bucks too, and that's not sarcastic!

Last night I went to the mall for about an hour (apparently it closes at 6 on Sundays). I only got to buy a couple small things from Joyce Leslie, and make a mental note of where I'm going back (hopefully tonight). After that I went home, ate half a yogurt, a piece of bread, and two pieces of canteloupe. I had such a huge lunch yesterday that I wasn't hungry for more than that. After eating I went to Eddie's. We watched the first half of Fight Club, then got some snacks and hung out in the kitchen. Not a bad night, but, needless to say, I miss my beau.

Also, I figured out the key to it all. But I'm not telling! Muahahaha!

Oh yeah....the big lunch I had yesterday was from my mom's friend's surprise 50th birthday party. It was pretty fun, and the food was really good. Hence the stuffedness. I made a first-rate pig of myself.

On another note, after dinner my grandmother, my mom and I were all sitting around the dinner table conversing. My grandmother started talking about Glenn Beck, a man who has a show on Talk Radio, her most favoritest radio station...

"He was a raging alcoholic," she explained. "He drank a gallon of Jack Daniels a week! Can you imagine? A gallon! He had to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. He was addicted. I know about addiction. Yep, I'm a nail biter."

You can only understand half of why it was so funny. The way she said it...I can't even explain. It was HILARIOUS!

On August second, 2002, I dubbed myself resourceful after using spray deoderant to kill a click beetle.

Well, my friends, it seems history repeats itself. About a week ago, a bug found its way to my room and proceeded to terrorize me by flying all around the cieling light in my room. I tried to lure it out by turning off the light and leaving the door open, thinking it might see another light on downstairs or in the study and evacuate the premesis. My attempt failed, however, and when I went back in my room and turned on the light, the bug (a click beetle, no less) proceeded to fly around and land on my shower towel, which hangs on the back of my door. Thinking in a manner similar to that of August the second, I grabbed the same spray deoderant I had previously used, and showered that sucker. Click beetles are fighters, so again I smushed it and flushed it.

It was the only way.

"I am covered in skin.
No one gets to come in.
Pull me out from inside
I am folding and unfolding
And unfolding I am
Colorblind...
...I am ready
I am ready
I am ready
I am fine."

"It's that stomach feeling that comes from listening to this song. It's that weird mood that comes, also from the song, making me think that if I squint my eyes, I'll be able to see the world more clearly. See? Weird mood."

- June 29, 2002

In some sort of weird mood now. I want to write songs and sing at the top of my lungs and do cartwheels in a field. I'll wait till James gets home. :)

Tonight I'm gonna try to go to the mall by myself and SHOP! RETAIL THERAPY, BABY!! H&M, Wet Seal, American Eagle, Joyce Leslie, Express, and various other stores are calling my name. I bought the skirt from Express that I've been eyeing today. In Khaki. I love it.

Last night, for the first time, I embraced the perfection of hindsight. It's actually comforting, in a way, to know that later on I'll be able to look back and see that my current problems were not as big a deal as they seemed.

Finding Nemo was SUCH a good movie!!

Tomorrow breaks the trend of us seeing each other every day. He's leaving tomorrow and coming back on the 28th. Stupid mission trip.

* * * * *

Last night when I was trying to go to sleep at 1:30 in the morning, there were a few very confused birds chirping as if it was sunrise or the coming of the worm or something.

When it comes to a certain boyfriend of mine, it's impossible to have to much of a good thing.

I do believe I've seen him every day since last Tuesday.

Tues @ CHA grad.
Wed @ SS grad.
Thurs @ my house.
Fri @ Heather's party.
Sat @ Rachel's party & afterwards.
Sun @ Pringles' & Katie's.
Mon @ Eddies.
Tues @ my house (Death To Smoochie).
Wed @ his house, for dinner & movie (Two weeks notice).
Thurs (tonight) @ My house.
Y hoy, mas tarde? Espero que yo este con mi novio!!

No he hablado con algunas personas hasta domingo, y con otros hasta lunes.

Bueno, que mas? Quiero dormirme!

I think some time soon, I shall go a week without the internet.

I am dying for a job at this gym near my house. They need receptionists, and I am starting to harrass the manager there. You get to use the facilities if you work there. AHHH!!!!

Oh, and I will really try not to take bitterness and anger with me to college. I'm sure I'll accumulate enough of it from there that I won't need to pack any extra. ;-)

Last night at dinner, my mom started pondering how they came up with days of the week. "Why seven days?" she asked. She said she understood the concept of months, and the lunar cycle, etc. "But why," she wondered, "are there only seven days? Why does it start on Sunday and go to Saturday, and then repeat? Why not just have an infinite number of days that run on?" My grandmother said it was because of the Bible. But my mom retorted that the Bible never specified that there were seven days in a week, or what the names of the days were.

So. Ponder away, or answer my mom's question.

I think some time I won't speak for an entire day.

No, I suppose they don't want to deal with someone who always seems to get angry.

I realized on Tuesday, after I was so upset b/c I got none of the recognition I feel I deserved at final assembly, why it's so much easier for me to get angry than for me to cry.

Firstly, I hate crying. I feel like such a baby.

Secondly, I felt bad as compared with the same people who would've wanted to comfort me had I been crying, and I wanted to be away from them so I wouldn't feel even worse about myself.

Thirdly, it seems to take less effort to just get mad and not say anything than to say what I'm feeling and get all sad.

Fourthly, I think I had another reason that was good, but I forget. It's just easier.

Tonight, I almost cried. Almost. No, no one does ever get mad at Meghan when she cries. But when I get angry they just run away. But if that's how it's going to be, then I hope they run far and stay away. For people who should know me well, they don't at all. And that's how it's supposed to be. I keep trying to give up, to fly the white flag. They want to keep touch in college, they all say. But I don't think I can. Is it worth it? Why do I bother caring? I have so many questions that won't be answered. Or if they are, I believe they won't be answered honestly, because actions speak so much louder than words.

Again, I am simply an afterthought. I type this all more calmly than usual. I am at peace with things now. I can accept this, and I can handle it. I have help, and I have the support I need to get over my friends.

My problem is that I care too much. Why I care so much about people that care so little about me, I don't know.

Pirke avot (sp?) says the following:

He who is easy to anger and easy to forgive: his loss is cancelled by his gain.

He who is hard to anger and hard to forgive: his gain is cancelled by his loss.

He who is hard to anger and easy to forgive is a saintly man.

He who is easy to anger and hard to forgive is a wicked man.

I am the last, but over the summer my goal is to be the third.

My other goal is to stop caring about those who don't care about me. Who needs them? I'm not saying stop caring all together, but how come I am surprised every time? For some reason I'm not as upset this time, but each time it happens a little piece of me is chipped away. What piece that is, I have no idea. It's a piece that cares, a piece that wants to remain friends through the summer and college, a piece that feels.

On another note, I had a really great time tonight, at Heather's surprise 16 Barbie-themed b-day party. Jamie and I went as lifeguard Barbie and Ken. I wore shorts that said "lifeguard" on the butt, and my bathing suit top, sunglasses, and a whistle. Jamie wore his black board short bathing suit + a beater + a whistle + my other pair of sunglasses. It was great. I didn't even need those people who weren't there. I had an awesome time with the people who were there. I will not let something stupid ruin my fun night.

I sort of want to just hang out with Jamie tonight.

So much for those letters. I don't think I'm writing them anymore.

Don't forget you.
Your plea.
No, I won't forget you,
Don't think I will.
But I'll regret you
And those months that
Were so wasted.
It goes beyond blindness.
You held me down...
But did you try
Or was I holding myself down?
You won't get off so easy.
I'm so torn...
Now is the perfect time to tell you
What I really think of you.
But boy, if ever there was a moot point,
This is it.
I don't think I care.
I can't regret everything,
Because you showed me what I never want again,
And next time I'll see the flags.

In other news, I had a great time tonight. I have found the most wonderful guy out there.

Once, I heard about my cousin's boyfriend, who loaded the dishwasher for her when he came over for dinner one night. I thought if I found a guy who did that, he'd definitely be a keeper.

I found a keeper, that's for sure.

I am so ashamed to be of the same sex as some of the girls I know. Women in this day and age...some of them disgust me. I mean, I have a different view on having sex at this age (although I am not) than I did at the beginning of the year. But to somewhat publicly announce that you want to be fucked...

That makes women look so bad.

Ok. Well, since my last post lots of bad things have happened.

But we had great weather for graduation. Yeah, it was humid and we were sweating a lot, but it was WAY better than the alternative (torrential downpours inc. thunder and lightning => graduation inside w/ stadium-quality lighting, which would've been AWWWWWWFUL!).

It doesn't feel real - graduating. Or, it didn't feel real. It's not like I'm in denial, or I'm awestruck. There's just so much buildup to something so short and easy. How was it so hard to get here? How did I work so much harder, or less harder than my classmates, and end up in the same place? I'll have to convince myself that a stupid gold pin in the shape of a cross that says "cum laude" on it is meaningless. Of course it's not, but I'll save that for another post.

I'm only awake now cause there's a damn click beetle in my room. And I got a barrage of IMs, which I'd like more if I wasn't so tired and my back didn't hurt so much.

I don't enjoy womanhood.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking hell.

I'm really shaken up. My mom and I were driving back from getting my hair cut and picking out the bouquet with Kat that we want for graduation, and we were going on a back street to get home. There was a truck with all this junk on it, stopped at a stop sign. It wasn't moving, so my mom figured it had broken down. Basically, the man driving had had a heart attack, and people had gotten out of the truck and a lady got out of the car in front of us and told us he was having a heart attack. They were trying to call 911 from their cell phones, but it wasn't working for some reason. They asked us to call 911, so I got out my cell phone and called, and got through, and told them to send an ambulence. After stopping for a minute, my mom decided to drive away, cause she said that when there's a problem, you should get away from it, esp. cause you being there just adds chaos.

We went to the farmer's market, and drove back and saw that an ambulence had come, and then we went home.

It was really scary. I hope the man's ok.

I'm less than 30 pages away from finishing my book....and I can't find it! I don't know where it went. Granted, I didn't look very hard...

The senior dinner thing tonight was really nice. The food was really good, they gave us silver picture frames with our initials and the date of our graduation inscribed in it, along with the SS logo. Then our parents did a skit. It was cute. My mom seemed really excited about it. :)

After that I came home for a little, then went to Katie's, where Tom S., some other boy (Matt, I think?), Brian B, Katie, and Jamie were. It was ok. I got in a really crabby mood for about half an hour when Jamie and I played pool. I just started sulking about how bad I am. I really am terrible. So how did I get three balls in a row one time? Some food came, though, and I cheered up.

My mom flipped out at me on the way to the dinner. It's so annoying; she won't stop harrassing me about getting a job. Listen, I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN APPLICATIONS, OK?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME???? Maybe O'Doodles will hire me. That could be a fun job. I would ride around the store on a scooter.

Other than that, tomorrow I have to get my hair cut, go to Robertson's with Kat to pick flowers for graduation, go to the dentist, and go to voice. And of course I want to do something tomorrow night. The dentist's gonna tell me I need my wisdom teeth pulled, but my orthodontist said they shouldn't be, b/c they're holding my other teeth in place. But he's evil, and I think I'm starting to trust my dentist more. Also, I have a cavity.

Online has become exceedingly boring to me. I don't get email, since I have a phone (although I enjoy having a phone more than I enjoy getting email). There aren't many people online that I talk to/feel like talking to (there are a few, though). I check my email and a few blogs when I come on, and then I'm left with nothing to do. For the past few days I've ended up playing text twist.

Now, off to go mess with my sleep cycle...

I got my housing stuff for next year. It came in the mail, and at first I didn't think it was anything, but turns out it was. I got the four bedroom quad I wanted, and it gave me the names, addresses, and phone numbers of the three other girls who will be my roommates. My mom kept saying "this must be exciting," but really it was just plain weird. I don't know how to feel about moving and living with complete strangers next year. I've never moved before, that I can remember, and I've definitely never lived with completely random people.

Woo hooo!!!! After a very close call, I got the first solo, the one I wanted, for the song Laurelei is singing at graduation! He had to hear Kate sing, and everyone kept saying "Deb on the second, Kate on the first." But I wanted the first one. I started to warm up to the second one, cause it's pretty, but then he said he wanted me on the first and Kate on the second. Something about how I sang the D flat (or was it D sharp?...) nicely. It's scary, because the first solo is just the one voice. No backup or anything. But I'm excited. The second one has backup music, and it'll be awesome to start the song out.

:-D

Done! I am offically finished. He terminado! I had my senior project presentation today, which I thought went really well, and now, aside from Laurelei rehearsals and other various rehearsals, I'm finished!! What an awesome feeling. :-D

Mr. Daugherty gave me a hug today after the Laurelei rehearsal. He said, again, that he's so glad I got into chambers this year, and that he's been trying to flunk me so I'll have to stay back, but they won't let him. I hope I get the first solo to the graduation song. It's so pretty. It's also stuck in my head right now.

I'm feeling a little like Holden Caulfield.

I'm ready to make some sweeping generalizations. For one, I hate when people are vague. Just say what the hell you're thinking.

And to those of you who just loooooove trying to make me out to be a hypocrite, I'm aware that this one's hypocrisy.

Fuck off. And have a magical day.

Sr. project presentation tomorrow. Come watch, I'm in the afternoon block. After that, I'll be done until graduation and song night, etc. Kind of, at least.

I do feel a lot better, after talking to Meghan.

We'll see what happens.

Part of me screams to say everything. Part of me says it'll fall on deaf ears. Leave it alone.

I'm not as selfish.

Sometimes, I fucking hate metaphors.

I should have seen The Matrix with my mom last night.

Maybe power goes to people's heads.

Thank God I have my own blog. Fine. Since I have "my own outlet..."

I hate being a pity invite. An afterthought. That's not what I wanted at all.

Ok. Cool. I posted something on chortles and Nick fucking deleted it.

It was about being an afterthought, a pity invite. And I wasn't blaming Tom. I just said "Tom....you and I need to talk." Simply so I could clarify that I didn't want to be invited. I wanted to thank him for at least calling me earlier. God.

Fuck chortles. Now I can't even be a part of it if I want to, because it's fucking censored.