i got pretty sad earlier today. this post originally started out with me saying i decided my life is depressing. i decided this today while i was sitting on my grandparents' balcony sunbathing. sort of an odd time to decide that, huh? i was reading glamour and there was a wedding section. i never think about weddings. i have never imagined my own wedding, or what dress i will wear, or any of the details about it. but it suddenly struck me: i won't have anyone to hand me off to a groom. i won't have anyone who can walk me down the aisle. i won't have anyone a prospective groom could ask to have my hand in marriage. i don't think my grandparents will even be alive by the time i get married. i don't have a dad to dance with. my mom will probably be sick for the rest of her life so she won't be there. i never expected to have a big, grand wedding, but i also never expected to have no family to come to my wedding. if those who could have come didn't come to my graduation, why would they come to my wedding?
i also got really sad when i went up to my grandparents' apartment for dinner. my grandfather set the table. we didn't notice until we were sitting down, but he set it with a fork and napkin on the left side of the plates (normal) and a fork and spoon on the right (clearly not normal). i guess he got confused between the forks and the knives. for some reason that one slip up really got me. he's failing and is clearly not going to be around long. he has good days and bad days. sometimes he's really irritable and negative and other times he's cheery and all smiles. one day last week he couldn't even hear at all. my poor grandfather. my poor family. i'm an orphan and it's really depressing. so is this mew song i'm listening to. and the person i want to talk to online isn't there.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
As are most of my posts of recent times, this post is almost guaranteed to be disjointed.
Now that that's out of the way...
I just finished watching the season 3 finale of Grey's Anatomy. I feel the way the show normally makes me feel. Kind of depressed, very pensive, very squinty-eyed. This is nothing new. The show is so well done but I think part of what draws me to it even more is that it is so realistic. It's so realistic because everyone isn't happy all the time. It's realistic because people are constantly being disappointed and their lives are going in directions they never even considered. It's realistic because as much as I want the happy ending, as much as I wanted Alex to walk back into the room where Rebecca was staying and find her still there so he could kiss her passionately and tell her to stay, it didn't happen. It's realistic because it's full of ones that got away and wanting the one thing you can't have. It's not that I think that this is all life is comprised of. There are happy times. But these happy times don't last. The unhappy times don't last either. They ebb and flow in an eternal tug of war, just like life.
For a while after every semester of college I would write a long post about the things that I learned that past semester. I wanted to do a post about what I learned throughout college, but that seems like too large of an undertaking. Instead I will try to stick to what I used to do and write about what I learned this past semester.
If I can pick a place to start, that is...
In my last semester of college I learned about the recent history of Cuba through detective novels. I didn't do most of the reading yet still (mostly) enjoyed the class, and now appreciate Cuban culture much more. Because of this class I either became capable of or simply realized my ability to read a novel in Spanish without any kind of Spanish-English dictionary. I also learned that even though having 10:30 am class on Tuesday and Thursday was awful, it was well worth it to not have class on Fridays.
I learned very little about Buenos Aires, despite the fact that I took a course on it. I learned a little bit but did virtually no homework and never participated in discussions. From this class I did learn more about what teaching styles do and don't work for me, because way in which that course was taught really did not do it for me.
This semester I became a better sitar player, but I did not lose my stage fright. I also learned to play tabla and had the most amazing time with it. Because I didn't expect to be particularly good at it and put very little pressure on myself in the class, I was able to relax instead of choking under the pressure, which is one of my biggest weaknesses.
This semester I learned that I am worth something, or that I at least deserve to be treated that way. I made choices that were very hard, choices I would not have made in the past. I made them because they were the best for me, and maybe I became a little stronger because of them.
I have to stop this here. Not too disjointed, more unfinished than anything else. But my eyelids are drooping and soon I will stop typing letters that happen to combine to make words and just start typing strings of random sounds.
Now that that's out of the way...
I just finished watching the season 3 finale of Grey's Anatomy. I feel the way the show normally makes me feel. Kind of depressed, very pensive, very squinty-eyed. This is nothing new. The show is so well done but I think part of what draws me to it even more is that it is so realistic. It's so realistic because everyone isn't happy all the time. It's realistic because people are constantly being disappointed and their lives are going in directions they never even considered. It's realistic because as much as I want the happy ending, as much as I wanted Alex to walk back into the room where Rebecca was staying and find her still there so he could kiss her passionately and tell her to stay, it didn't happen. It's realistic because it's full of ones that got away and wanting the one thing you can't have. It's not that I think that this is all life is comprised of. There are happy times. But these happy times don't last. The unhappy times don't last either. They ebb and flow in an eternal tug of war, just like life.
For a while after every semester of college I would write a long post about the things that I learned that past semester. I wanted to do a post about what I learned throughout college, but that seems like too large of an undertaking. Instead I will try to stick to what I used to do and write about what I learned this past semester.
If I can pick a place to start, that is...
In my last semester of college I learned about the recent history of Cuba through detective novels. I didn't do most of the reading yet still (mostly) enjoyed the class, and now appreciate Cuban culture much more. Because of this class I either became capable of or simply realized my ability to read a novel in Spanish without any kind of Spanish-English dictionary. I also learned that even though having 10:30 am class on Tuesday and Thursday was awful, it was well worth it to not have class on Fridays.
I learned very little about Buenos Aires, despite the fact that I took a course on it. I learned a little bit but did virtually no homework and never participated in discussions. From this class I did learn more about what teaching styles do and don't work for me, because way in which that course was taught really did not do it for me.
This semester I became a better sitar player, but I did not lose my stage fright. I also learned to play tabla and had the most amazing time with it. Because I didn't expect to be particularly good at it and put very little pressure on myself in the class, I was able to relax instead of choking under the pressure, which is one of my biggest weaknesses.
This semester I learned that I am worth something, or that I at least deserve to be treated that way. I made choices that were very hard, choices I would not have made in the past. I made them because they were the best for me, and maybe I became a little stronger because of them.
I have to stop this here. Not too disjointed, more unfinished than anything else. But my eyelids are drooping and soon I will stop typing letters that happen to combine to make words and just start typing strings of random sounds.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
just so i have a record of recent events?:
recording for my last otb album was may 7 (rina's bday) to may 11. my mom was supposed to be released that weds (the 9th) but was released on sat (the 12th) so i had a few extra days before having to move to the apartment. got to do walnut walk (thurs) and senior dinner (fri) - both of which were a blast - not to mention the senior formal (tues night) which was also great, have slept over at penn once since then. been organizing the apartment TONS since then. bea came weds and we worked all day. brought two loads of stuff back from penn to here, i can't walk in my room here. just found out my mom's prob not gonna be here much longer and my aunt thinks i should get a job in the city and live downtown (what i've been wanting to do), which makes me question how much i should really be organizing this place anyway, which really makes me more flustered b/c i dont want to have to unpack everything and bring boat loads of stuff here only to have to move it back to 10 minutes from penn in a few months. but i need to unpack it b/c it is driving me out of my mind to have all these boxes everywhere and not knowing where anything is. i've never wanted to throw stuff out more in my life and i've never been so anti-clutter. i also don't know what to do about living downtown b/c i don't have anyone to live with and living alone will surely be more expensive than living with another person. i guess i'll see what happens.
recording for my last otb album was may 7 (rina's bday) to may 11. my mom was supposed to be released that weds (the 9th) but was released on sat (the 12th) so i had a few extra days before having to move to the apartment. got to do walnut walk (thurs) and senior dinner (fri) - both of which were a blast - not to mention the senior formal (tues night) which was also great, have slept over at penn once since then. been organizing the apartment TONS since then. bea came weds and we worked all day. brought two loads of stuff back from penn to here, i can't walk in my room here. just found out my mom's prob not gonna be here much longer and my aunt thinks i should get a job in the city and live downtown (what i've been wanting to do), which makes me question how much i should really be organizing this place anyway, which really makes me more flustered b/c i dont want to have to unpack everything and bring boat loads of stuff here only to have to move it back to 10 minutes from penn in a few months. but i need to unpack it b/c it is driving me out of my mind to have all these boxes everywhere and not knowing where anything is. i've never wanted to throw stuff out more in my life and i've never been so anti-clutter. i also don't know what to do about living downtown b/c i don't have anyone to live with and living alone will surely be more expensive than living with another person. i guess i'll see what happens.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
my mom got out of the hospital today (aka yesterday at this point). i picked her up at 6:30 pm. ironic that it's the day before mothers day. worse that it's the day before my graduation (there are 2 ceremonies, one on sun and one on mon). instead of enjoying my last few days of college, i will be sleeping in this godforsaken apartment (where i am now spending my first night, very unhappily). if chris hadn't lent me his laptop i'm not really sure what i would have done with myself. i managed to set up the internet AND wireless, which is pretty sweet.
on another note, my aunt/grandparents are combining their forces and getting me a macbook pro for my graduation. i am really fucking excited for it. i can't wait to play with it and figure out everything there is to figure out (although i'm sure i will get annoyed at points). i'm waiting til after the mac conference in june b/c supposedly they're going to reveal some changes (i've heard led backlighting) that will allow for longer battery life, and also a quieter fan noise.
anyway...i don't want to be here and with that, i'm going to sleep.
on another note, my aunt/grandparents are combining their forces and getting me a macbook pro for my graduation. i am really fucking excited for it. i can't wait to play with it and figure out everything there is to figure out (although i'm sure i will get annoyed at points). i'm waiting til after the mac conference in june b/c supposedly they're going to reveal some changes (i've heard led backlighting) that will allow for longer battery life, and also a quieter fan noise.
anyway...i don't want to be here and with that, i'm going to sleep.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Life after graduation.
The thought of it has woken me up an hour or two before I planned the past two mornings. Yesterday I had a semi-panic attack thinking about having to pack up everything from my house at college and move it to an apartment that is not my home, where the average age is probably 65+ (and that's guessing on the young side), and where the boxes in my room, my mom's room, and the living room are piled almost to the ceiling with stuff from our old house. It's bad enough that all that excessive crap is there, but what am I gonna do with my stuff from college? I feel like the stuff I have here is the stuff I really need and really use the most (obviously), but there is a bunch of stuff at the house that I'm sure I will want to keep. And the apartment simply does not have the capacity to hold all my shit. My room at school is way bigger and has much better closet space than my room in the apartment. Furthermore, the thought of first going through my stuff at school is depressing because I will be leaving, the thought of going through it is upsetting because of how tedious and annoying it will be. Packing it up will not be fun. Moving it out will be awful. I've had enough with moving places from moving my shit every year of college to the hellish move out of my old house. Then, it's not even like I am moving to a place I know, or want to be, or that is even close to where I want to be. I feel like where I'm moving is at least half an hour from anywhere I would want to go (aside from the mall or Ulta). Any and all of my friends are at least a half hour car ride away, and as of now I have no job to pay for the gas I'm gonna need to drive everywhere.
All of that is what prevented me from falling back asleep yesterday. (Sunday I couldn't fall back asleep because I was freaking out about my 15 page spanish major paper, which was due in December but I still haven't done...it was almost a premonition because my teacher emailed me that day telling me he was still expecting it. I currently have four not awesome pages). Today I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about what I will actually do once I graduate and move to the apartment. I envision basically being alone, stuck in this apartment, every day having to go through boxes and figure out what to do with their contents. Then I pictured going to sleep alone, and somewhat depressed, in an empty apartment where I feel completely cut off from the rest of the world. Even with internet, I just have instant messenger, and with that I can see myself staying up very late talking to no one online just to feel less alone. I'm sure I will see my grandparents a lot during the day, but they do not take long to drive me up a wall. I envision seeing my friends very rarely because of how far away I am.
I came up with a few different possible scenarios that sounded better in order to try to comfort myself. One was that I conduct my job search while I lay out by the pool every day. Maybe I will do my real job search while tanning by day and then by night I will be a bartender (for which the tan will somehow help me get more tips). The other alternative that makes me despair a little less is the one where I consider living in the apartment to be extremely temporary, say one to three months, and I find a job (maybe downtown) which pays me enough so that I can find a place downtown, where I would actually enjoy being and which would be my own, so I wouldn't feel oppressed like I am going to feel in the apartment. Then I could bartend downtown, which would most likely make me more money than bartending near the apartment. The other things I am thinking of are staying at various friends' places as often as possible (aka on the weekends) and making as many weekend trips to the shore or other fun locations so as to be away from the dreaded apartment as much as possible.
I guess I should go back to freaking out about my paper, but it's hard when this stuff is even scarier. All right, 11:26 am. 34 minutes before I even planned to wake up. Let's go, paper.
The thought of it has woken me up an hour or two before I planned the past two mornings. Yesterday I had a semi-panic attack thinking about having to pack up everything from my house at college and move it to an apartment that is not my home, where the average age is probably 65+ (and that's guessing on the young side), and where the boxes in my room, my mom's room, and the living room are piled almost to the ceiling with stuff from our old house. It's bad enough that all that excessive crap is there, but what am I gonna do with my stuff from college? I feel like the stuff I have here is the stuff I really need and really use the most (obviously), but there is a bunch of stuff at the house that I'm sure I will want to keep. And the apartment simply does not have the capacity to hold all my shit. My room at school is way bigger and has much better closet space than my room in the apartment. Furthermore, the thought of first going through my stuff at school is depressing because I will be leaving, the thought of going through it is upsetting because of how tedious and annoying it will be. Packing it up will not be fun. Moving it out will be awful. I've had enough with moving places from moving my shit every year of college to the hellish move out of my old house. Then, it's not even like I am moving to a place I know, or want to be, or that is even close to where I want to be. I feel like where I'm moving is at least half an hour from anywhere I would want to go (aside from the mall or Ulta). Any and all of my friends are at least a half hour car ride away, and as of now I have no job to pay for the gas I'm gonna need to drive everywhere.
All of that is what prevented me from falling back asleep yesterday. (Sunday I couldn't fall back asleep because I was freaking out about my 15 page spanish major paper, which was due in December but I still haven't done...it was almost a premonition because my teacher emailed me that day telling me he was still expecting it. I currently have four not awesome pages). Today I couldn't fall asleep because I was thinking about what I will actually do once I graduate and move to the apartment. I envision basically being alone, stuck in this apartment, every day having to go through boxes and figure out what to do with their contents. Then I pictured going to sleep alone, and somewhat depressed, in an empty apartment where I feel completely cut off from the rest of the world. Even with internet, I just have instant messenger, and with that I can see myself staying up very late talking to no one online just to feel less alone. I'm sure I will see my grandparents a lot during the day, but they do not take long to drive me up a wall. I envision seeing my friends very rarely because of how far away I am.
I came up with a few different possible scenarios that sounded better in order to try to comfort myself. One was that I conduct my job search while I lay out by the pool every day. Maybe I will do my real job search while tanning by day and then by night I will be a bartender (for which the tan will somehow help me get more tips). The other alternative that makes me despair a little less is the one where I consider living in the apartment to be extremely temporary, say one to three months, and I find a job (maybe downtown) which pays me enough so that I can find a place downtown, where I would actually enjoy being and which would be my own, so I wouldn't feel oppressed like I am going to feel in the apartment. Then I could bartend downtown, which would most likely make me more money than bartending near the apartment. The other things I am thinking of are staying at various friends' places as often as possible (aka on the weekends) and making as many weekend trips to the shore or other fun locations so as to be away from the dreaded apartment as much as possible.
I guess I should go back to freaking out about my paper, but it's hard when this stuff is even scarier. All right, 11:26 am. 34 minutes before I even planned to wake up. Let's go, paper.
I didn't remember until I saw a picture of a tornado that I randomly stumbled upon from digg.com that there were some tornadoes in the crazy dream I had last night. So I looked up tornadoes in an online dream interpreter and here's what it said: "To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications. To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship."
I found a little more about tornadoes, and it doesn't look very good:
"It is important to note that houses in dreams are often metaphors for the self and the psyche. In your dream where the walls of the houses are blown down suggest tremendous stress and personal changes that are going on in your life. You literally feel that your life is crumbling down on you and that you have no one to turn to. In addition, you may have let your guard down and allowed yourself to be vulnerable.
Lovely.
Then I remembered that there was a pig in my dream, so I looked that up. It said " To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness or selfishness. The pig may also represent opulence and overindulgence."
Basically in the dream (which Jonah and Rina were in for some reason) the three of us were in my old house and a tornado came and we all stood in the door posts to stay safe. The first tornado was not that bad, but then another one came which started to destroy the house and the neighborhood. That was part one of the dream. Part two involved me trying to go into a newly built CVS which turned out to be some dark, scary factory. There was a pig, which was someone's child, and I was trying to protect the woman and her pig-child. I remember some scary devil-like man with a white beard or something. My dream ended with me hiding in a closet in the room of the woman I was protecting, and some evil assassin woman came in the room. At first she didn't know I was in there and the good woman was signaling to me that there was a gun in the pocket of a jacket in the closet, so I grabbed it and tried to shoot the assassin lady, only the gun wasn't loaded. I found another, larger gun in the same jacket but it also wasn't loaded, so after trying to shoot her for the second time she pointed her gun at me, shot me, and then shot herself. I remember that it didn't actually seem like I had gotten shot but I knew that I had so I thought to myself, well, guess I'm gonna die now. That's when I woke up.
Pretty weird. And I didn't remember any of it until I saw that picture.
I found a little more about tornadoes, and it doesn't look very good:
"It is important to note that houses in dreams are often metaphors for the self and the psyche. In your dream where the walls of the houses are blown down suggest tremendous stress and personal changes that are going on in your life. You literally feel that your life is crumbling down on you and that you have no one to turn to. In addition, you may have let your guard down and allowed yourself to be vulnerable.
The coming of the storm/tornado further reiterates the turmoil that is occurring in your waking life. A relationship or situation is eating away at you and potentially dangerous to your well-being. Storms are also representative of unexpressed fears, anger, and other emotions that you have kept hidden inside."
Lovely.
Then I remembered that there was a pig in my dream, so I looked that up. It said " To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness or selfishness. The pig may also represent opulence and overindulgence."
Basically in the dream (which Jonah and Rina were in for some reason) the three of us were in my old house and a tornado came and we all stood in the door posts to stay safe. The first tornado was not that bad, but then another one came which started to destroy the house and the neighborhood. That was part one of the dream. Part two involved me trying to go into a newly built CVS which turned out to be some dark, scary factory. There was a pig, which was someone's child, and I was trying to protect the woman and her pig-child. I remember some scary devil-like man with a white beard or something. My dream ended with me hiding in a closet in the room of the woman I was protecting, and some evil assassin woman came in the room. At first she didn't know I was in there and the good woman was signaling to me that there was a gun in the pocket of a jacket in the closet, so I grabbed it and tried to shoot the assassin lady, only the gun wasn't loaded. I found another, larger gun in the same jacket but it also wasn't loaded, so after trying to shoot her for the second time she pointed her gun at me, shot me, and then shot herself. I remember that it didn't actually seem like I had gotten shot but I knew that I had so I thought to myself, well, guess I'm gonna die now. That's when I woke up.
Pretty weird. And I didn't remember any of it until I saw that picture.