As if there isn't enough going on, my grandmother called today to say that she has some middle ear problem which causes her to be extremely dizzy and nauseous with any movement, and could I come over and stay the night. I got really pissed at first, as is my first general reaction to this type of thing. Later I realized that she needed me and it was the right thing to do, and was more ok with it, and then I felt like a selfish brat for getting pissed (this is my second general reaction). I came here (here=my grandparents' apt), paid some bills with my grandfather, cleaned up coffee grinds that had been spilled on the kitchen floor, and made (aka defrosted) dinner - chicken broth (so delicious), brisket which we ate as a sandwich, and I had a salad, topped off with a cinammon bun for dessert.

After dinner I hooked up guitar hero, the most amazing game ever invented, which Chris let me borrow (it's his broseph's). What a great game. So far I've gotten to guitar hero on the easy level and have moved up to medium, and I'm not done playing. Not only is the game amazing, but I'm sure it's helping me with my hand-eye coordination and moving my fingers really fast. Blah blah blah, it's awesome. I watched the second half of Grey's Anatomy with my grandmother and she was really cute. She took my hand and told me how happy she was that I could be here and how it feels right having me here. It was really adorable. My grandfather is also very cute (sometimes), because he effectively tells me I'm not alone and that he sort of knows what I'm going through and that he's sorry for everything I have to go through whenever I see him. They can be so cute and so crazy at the same time, but they have done so much for me and I love them endlessly for it.

Speaking of cute and crazy, I'll tell you who's NOT cute but is still crazy. His name is Sidney, my grandmother's brother. My grandmother asked me to print out some emails my aunt forwarded her, and there are about 200 emails (of 280-some) from my uncle, all weird articles or something generally crazy. OY VEY. Not cute, but crazy.

And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

This post will be an attempt to counter the depressing nature of the last post.

Today was a good day. My cousins woke up at 6 and went downstairs. I slept til 9. My cousin came in her room and I asked when I should come down and she said they were done opening presents. That was pretty much the worst part of the day because I felt like such an asshole. I wanted to partake in part of it, and she had told me they usually open presents til 11 am or so. I came down at 9 anyway and we all had yummy pancakes while Christmas tunes blasted in the kitchen. After breakfast I scrubbed potatoes for my aunt and then took a nap from 11-1:30. Got dressed after that, the guests came over, we snacked until around 4, and then had a delicious dinner which consisted of filet mignon, yummy breads, twice baked potatoes, and a delicious salad w/ goat cheese, raspberries and candied pecans...MMMMMMMMMMM. After dinner we watched the Eagles Cowboys game (I actually watched the whole thing...and enjoyed it. Pretty shocking I know. It made me want to watch more football. Plus we won, 23 to 7). Present opening after that.. I got chocolate, chocolate, a sewing kit, and a pink juicy bathrobe with ruffly sleeves, which I adore. Then more tv, did my nails, talked to Chris. All in all a good day, far better than I expected.

The only other annoying was at dinner when my grandmother randomly goes "All kids that go to Penn are snobs" and then, despite my family's repeated suggestions/disagreement/scolding, she wouldn't take it back despite the fact that she was blatantly insulting me. But if I am to pick a thing to hold a grudge about it's not that. She's freaking crazy, and that's how it is.

P.S. Hey google bear.

So. Christmas eve, eh? This year I am celebrating Christmas for the first time. I have been watching my cousins and aunt and uncle prepare for the festivities that will come with Christmas day. Everyone will wake up at 6 a.m. to open presents for the next few hours. Then we'll all migrate to the kitchen to eat a grand pancake breakfast. After that some guests will arrive, including my grandparents, and we will snack until 3 when dinner is served. Dinner will be delicious I'm sure, and after dinner the men will watch the football game.

Christmas is one of the biggest family holidays of the year, and as much as my aunt is trying to include me (she put some presents for me under the tree and everything), I feel like an outsider. I can't help but think to myself, wow, so this is what a real family is like. Just being here has made me happy and grateful and sad all at once. Happy and grateful because they are my family and they want me here and they love me and I have a place somewhere. And so sad because this is not my life. They are sort of an immediate family-on-loan, since at this point I have no immediate family of my own to be with during the holidays. What a depressing thought. While I am included, I am also not part of the lavish life my cousins lead. I don't have fifty pairs of expensive shoes, and my recent shopping sprees have gotten some criticism from my family because I really need to be careful, they say. And while they make room for me, it is painfully obvious to me that I don't have a real place here. I sleep on the floor in my cousin's room. I made sure to bring everything I might need because, unlike when I went home for break, none of my stuff is sitting around here allowing me to bring less baggage back from school.

I think tomorrow instead of going downstairs at 6 am I will get up around 9. That way a decent amount of the presents will already be opened and I won't have to watch with secret jealousy as my family members open 20 gifts per person, laughing and smiling because they are all together and happy for the holidays. I can still partake in the meals, but perhaps when the game is on I can take a nap and rest my weary soul.

Weary really is the best way to describe how I've been feeling lately. I have been yawning a lot, even on days when I've gotten eight or nine hours of sleep. I think it's because I am tired deep down, beyond sleep's ability to revive and repair me. I think my struggle to push everything I am feeling away is wearing me out. Trying to ignore my problems takes a lot of work, since they are so big and so painful. Part of what was so great about Atlantic City was that the people I was with just took my mind off of everything. They are so funny and entertaining and great to be around that I was able to be virtually carefree and just enjoy the here and now (or the there and then). It was such a great break from the harsh realities I've been facing lately. But vacations never last long. I came back and paid bills tonight and now I am awake because...well, because I am a college student and I go to bed late and get up late, which is yet another small reminder of my outsider status since everyone here is asleep by ten pm.

I don't mean to downplay everything my aunt has done for me and how thankful I am for her and my uncle and cousins, because they have been there for me lately when I've needed them. But there is a piece of my life that is missing and nothing can fill it, and that is what I will be faced with tomorrow, on Christmas day, one of the biggest family holidays of the year.

Saturday I went to AC with Adrian, Frankie, Tommy, Sam and Ryan. It was a ton of fun. Lost $5 at the Penny Pavilion (lame lame thing, don't ever play there if you go, it just sucks up your cash) and $50 at poker. I only won one hand (full house J's and 4's) and got back up to $46 and then just kept either getting shitty hands or good hands and bad flops. But it was a lot of fun... I have always wanted to play poker at a casino and now I have! We also had an awesome dinner at Red Square and went to the top of the Trop, and smoked cigars (I didn't have one) outside on the boardwalk. We had our own room and ordered room service, threw ice at each other, watched some goofy ass TV, went to Cuba Libre, and heard the worst karaoke singer I've ever heard (POISAANNNNNNNNNN). Then this morning we had a delicious brunch at Wellington and went back to the room for a little more TV. All in all I had a really great time and I'm so glad I went.

I realized yesterday that I have a very weird fear. I figured it out last night when, at 10 o'clock when my cousins and aunt were all going to bed, I felt the need to stay awake for some reason. I wasn't tired but I wasn't not tired, meaning if I had gone to bed too I would have fallen asleep after a little while. I figured out what it was, though. I have a fear of going to sleep. Not a fear of being asleep, but a fear of going to sleep. I fear that time before I fall asleep, that time when my mind runs amuck, thinking of so many things it actually makes it impossible for me to fall asleep. I think that's why I always make sure I am exhausted when I go to sleep. Then I don't have to worry about that in between time that I don't want to have to face. Somehow I think if I can avoid that part of my day, I can keep ignoring the scary realities in my life. I also just hate that in between time because I hate not knowing when sleep will come. And when sleep does start to come you are never aware of it, unless you are abruptly startled back awake.

I've been reading old blog posts to procrastinate doing work. I love reading posts from exactly whatever day it is one, two, three and even four years back. Four years ago today I found out I got into Penn. I just need to stop and think about that for a second.

....

Ok. Four years ago today I found out I got accepted to the school that would change my life. Perhaps I should say the school that would shape my life in a way that no other school could have. That could be true about any school, but it was to be at Penn that I got into the a cappella group I had dreamed of getting into, without the belief that it was actually possible. It was then through that a cappella group that I met some of the most amazing people and a certain awesome guy I am with right now (who is keeping me sane...thank you). And I can go on and on and on...but who cares? (Those are lyrics from a song..). Anyway..back to..work? Or more nutella with a spoon.

I've been having nightmares lately. Three nights ago I dreamt my mom died. There was a dragon in my dream too - its purpose was to protect me. It protected me from bad guys and my pain and then it died too when it was trying to protect me from some guy. I vividly remember the very end of my dream. It was as if it was the end of a depressing movie, with the camera panning over a desolate snow-covered mountain scene. I woke up crying.

I had another weird dream two nights ago that I now forget. Last night I dreamt I was in my old house and there were a ton of bugs everywhere. I was trying to kill a giant scary black spider with an economy-sized RAID and it tried to jump at me and bite me, but I RAIDed it to death. Then I went to the basement to do my laundry and my grandfather was down there for some strange reason. Also, my aunt was pregnant/had a new baby in my dream. My mom was there and she was trying to help my aunt take care of the new baby.

I can easily interpret these dreams and what they mean for me. I just wish I would stop having such vivid nightmares/weird dreams.

I don't think I'm a very good daughter. When my mom used to tell me I made her proud I always felt guilty, because I felt like if she knew how I lived my life she would be hugely disappointed in me. Now when others say I'm a good daughter I don't believe them, because there must have been something I missed. There must be something more I could be doing now. Instead I just spend money. No, I don't think I'm a very good daughter.

this shit does only happen to me though. seriously. only to me.

i feel sorry for myself.

we're singing at franco tonight and the set list is basically every song but mine, the widow, the kill and disarm. wtf. lisa won't be there so no widow. im the only soloist who won't be singing. great. fuck you franco. this is the fucking story of my life, i guess i should be used to it by now. but i'm not. it's shit like this that makes me wonder why i'm in this group and that makes me so insecure. jonah said the kill and my song were "too hardcore" yet we are singing miss murder. this is such fucking bullshit. franco can take whatever otb shit he had made for us and stick it up his ass.

i hate that the only consolation is that i have much bigger issues in my life to deal with than this. oh yeah, that's really comforting.

---

On a better note, the senior honors society formal was last night and I had a really good time. Chris was really tired but I think he ended up having a good time too. Soo yeah, that was nice :)

My sitar final performance was today. One of the kids from my class put the performance up on youtube.

Did you know that if you know someone well enough you can have an entire conversation just with looks and no words? That's pretty cool.

i miss my two best friends. one is across the country and one is around the corner. i miss them both

i've gotten no more than 6 hours of sleep a night during break. it's no one's fault but my own. i just can't make myself sleep.

everything is too much. i am not superhuman. a person can only deal with so much in one day, one weekend, one undetermined period of time.

[rant]

i shouldn't hate my life right now. but i do. im singing with mask and wig tomorrow at kick off bash, and with sae at their 80s party on saturday. im really excited for both of those things. but i cant get past hating my life right now. tomorrow, the day i dont have class, the day i should be able to fucking do my two 5 page papers due sunday, i have otb from 1 - 3, then tutoring at 3:30, then im supposed to practice with the sae band. so that leaves me no time to do fucking anything tomorrow. and clearly even if i have an hour or two, that's not enough time to get much work done. so that blows. sat i want to go home for a bit and it doesnt look like i'm going to get to, which fucking sucks because then i can't til tues or weds. i hate my life. ooohhhh man do i hate my life. just thinking about my life til tuesday night makes me want to puke/injure myself/cry/scream. dammit. i can't fucking deal with all this shit. fuck everyone and everything. fuck. just fucking fucking fuck. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk. dammittttt and fucking fucking hell. that is how i feel right now, if you were wondering.

[/rant]

moving saturday was a bitch. i was awake from 6 am to 4 am. yes, 22 hours. my back still hurts.

on another note, i just watched 3 episodes of grey's anatomy, and they successfully made me feel completely depressed. why do i watch that show?

maybe it's not good to have too much perspective in life. if you are too aware of your own mortality and the fragility of everyone around you, it begins to affect your every day life. i used to have this problem when i drove. because my grandmother had been in a car accident, i refused to drive on highways because i knew how easily one wrong move could land me in the hospital. i've gotten over that fear, fortunately.

it makes me so sad to think that when my grandfather was my age he never foresaw himself being cooped up in a hospital bed with a brace around his neck. it is the saddest sight. i just want him to get better right away. my granddad doesn't deserve this. my mom doesn't deserve what happened to her. they are both such good people. i just hate looking at sick or ailing people and thinking that they never expected this to happen to them. but even if they did, what could they have done?

Granddad broke his neck on Sunday. He is at Jefferson. I hope he will be ok.

thinking about the future and where i'll be and what the condition of my family will be and where my friends will be gives me a sinking queasy feeling in my stomach that makes me sad and scared and sort of makes me feel ill.

i've known you for a year now, as of yesterday. i knowwwww you.

Lately I've been looking at people differently. Lately, I've been looking at people and thinking, you don't know. I really think most people don't know. They don't know what life can be. They don't know that other people are somewhere trapped inside themselves, trapped inside their own personal hell. They don't know what others go through to try to fix the hell of the helpless. They don't know that a person whose will is the strongest can actually break, or appear to be broken, to themselves and everyone around them.

Lately I've been walking around looking at people and thinking, I really have no idea what's going on in their lives and they really have no idea what's going on in mine. You know that person who cuts you off because they're speeding? For all you know their mom just got taken to the hospital. That girl who is a bitch to you when you try to say hi - maybe she's just a little stressed because she has to take care of things she never had to worry about in her life. Things that you wouldn't know how to take care of either. So maybe next time excuse her if she's a little bitchy and even a little weird. Maybe, if you know her well enough, give her a hug. You're supposed to have twelve hugs a day. This isn't a hard cold fact, it's from some saying. I just googled this saying:

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth"
—Virginia Satir, family therapist

Did you know you could live twenty-one years of your life not knowing so much about someone you've known so well for those entire twenty-one years? Did you know that the people you know the best may actually have a hidden part of themselves, a whole piece of their lives that you didn't know about? We are nature vs. nurture, and no one can even begin to pick apart this situation and know the answer. No one even knows the solution without the answer.

You don't know. You don't know so much, and you won't know so much. Be kind to others, because you don't know what they may be going through.

went to my cousins' today for most of the day. sorted through a bunch of shit with my aunt, went to commerce, back to my cousins' where i ate dinner and did my nails with my cousin and played cards with my aunt. it was pretty nice to be around them and not be alone. now i'm back at school. maybe i will clean my room or work on my arrangement. but i really hope someone will text me back and say they are here and want to hang out. otherwise i'll just watch episodes of tv on my comp. or maybe play guitar. i wish i had a sitar here to play.

as usual, the current state of my room is reflecting the current state of my life. here's an example of how messy my room is: i have a pile of clothes that just sit on my desk chair. when i want to sit in the chair, i pick up the pile (which takes me two armfuls) and put it on my bed. when i want to lay in my bed i pick up the pile and throw it back on the chair. sometimes i will just sit on the heap of clothes on my chair because i'm too lazy to move them. i also have a huge pile of bills and other mail on the floor, not to mention shoes, socks, old newspapers and other fun things. i can't wait til fall break so i can clean my room up and get my life back in order. i now have four papers for sitar class that i haven't done, and i plan to do them over break. i also need to start my arrangement for otb (even tho i'm still kind of bitter towards the group as a whole...i'm sort of checking out of caring too much at this point).

i also just signed up to get my yearbook photos taken. how creepy is that? i can't believe that's real, and that i am doing it. wowwwww. just wow. i get sad when people talk about what they're gonna do after they graduate, esp. when they want to move to some foreign country for a year, which means i won't get to see them or talk to them. even though i would loooove to go to some spanish speaking country for a year after i graduate...the thought of people leaving and me not getting to see them makes me sad.

but i digress.

i don't remember if i wrote about how i cried at the penny loafers/otb mixer b/c rina said something about how we are almost done.

also, one of the guys from mask asked me and angelee if we want to sing at an sae party and of courseeeeeee we said yes. i am prettttttttty excited for that. and hopefully i'll get to sing with m&w band at kickoff bash. soo yeah.

that's all for now, folks.

i wish for you on every eyelash and every heads up penny. i know wishing's not enough, but what else can i do? she said that being with you won't help. she said there's not much we can do to help. i know you are so scared and i wish i could fix it. i hate hanging up on you more than anything. i hate that you won't just say bye and i hate what you say when i talk to you, because pretending i don't hear it and that i don't care is the hardest thing. it makes me feel like a terrible, heartless person. i hate that i can't seem to get through to you. it's like you won't hear what i have to say. i hate how much you say you don't know what to do. why won't you help yourself? why can't you help yourself? what happened to the person i knew you to be? to think that this has gone on your whole life makes me so sad, but what upsets me the most is that of everyone i know you are the least deserving of this. all you ever did was live a good life and do the best you could. i am scared we are not taking the right course of actions. i am scared we might make you worse. i don't want your life to be a waste at the end. please get better. i love you and i know you know it, but i wish love was enough to fix it. it was so awful when you told me it wasn't.

i really had a shitty day today.

i couldn't concentrate on my papers (due tomorrow, at noon) all afternoon. otb sucked. for something i enjoy so much it really makes me feel like shit. seriously, being in this group makes me feel bad about myself fairly often. then i left the reading i needed to write the papers tonight in the rehearsal room, 15 minutes away from my house, and i didn't realize this until i got home, opened up my bookbag (in which the honey mustard from my salad had spilled all over) and realized it wasn't there. my bike doesn't work and i didn't know of any other bikes i could use so i had to walk there and back, in the cold, which i hate. oh, and i saw a nasty bug in my room and tried to step on it and then had no idea where it went cause it wasn't on the bottom of my shoe, and when i put the salad with the aforementioned spilled honey mustard in the bag to put in the fridge or the trash, the bottom of the bag broke and all the food fell out. so basically a range of big and small annoying/bad shit happened today.

i never wrote about last weekend, so briefly: thurs (the 5th) was battle of the bands. that was fun. i believe fri night was when chris's friends came. saturday was a mortar board event which rina and i were finally able to go to, and that was also a lot of fun.

this weekend was cool, except for when i forgot the words to my song when we sang at the castle sat night. that blew. but otherwise not bad. fri night was mortar board's oktoberfest at blarney, sat night was singing at the castle, then sae with angelee. good times usa.

what do you do when you need your mommy but she can't be there for you like you need her to be?

i got hit in the head with a sitar today. right smack in the back of my head, a little to the left. i thought, "just my luck."

Friday I walked downtown with Donna and we went to Victoria's Secret where I picked up a free sample of lip gloss, and then to H&M. I got 3 tank tops, a long short sleeve shirt, sweet ass bracelets, earrings and a sweet ass headband. I also got these above the knee sock things I'm gonna try to return and get these cool fingerless gloves instead. It was a very good time. Shopping is definitely theraputic and was exactly what I needed.

Saturday I went home for a good portion of the day & saw my mom. Breton and Kevin and Breton's bro Eric came here and Rina and I met them at Mad4. It was a lot of fun and of course I always love seeing Breton. I saw Eric Henry for like two seconds, which was cool but I would have liked to see him longer. We ended up going to some party where a bunch of the runners I haven't seen in ages were, so it was really nice to see them. We also saw Jess, our newbie frosh girl, there so we hung out w/ her.

Other things include:
- I haven't been to the gym since Weds. I feel like a lazy fatass.
- Because some stupid movie was being filmed on 40th and Market, all of 41st and Locust (on 41st st) parking was "temporary police no parking" bullshit. Rina's car got towed. I moved mine last night cause I was worried. We drove to some impoundment lot like 20 min away only to be told her car wasn't there. We came back and she found it on 41st and Market. At least she didn't have to pay $125 for it.
- Cleaning and vacuuming. Whoooo.

Things I like:
- squeegieing (however you spell it) windows (cool for about one minute)
- writing blog posts in my head as I slowly sulk my way back from class
- walking slowly because I'm not in a rush

Things I don't like:
- walking slowly because my body won't permit me to walk faster
- locust walk
- when walking on locust walk makes me hate all people
- every smiling person i saw today

today in sitar class i poked my finger with a string and it started to bleed :-/

also, this is gonna sound negative, but it's hard not to panic when there's so much to panic about.

I'm in the squinty-eyed mood right now.

The time between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur is the time during which we are supposed to apologize for the wrongs we've done to others throughout the year. It is the time during which we are judged by God, and that judgment of us is solidified on Yom Kippur. I guess I better start apologizing.

if i end up any kind of normal in my life it will be a miracle.

wow i really need to go to bed, i'm getting sad.

Just a quick post to reflect the state of my life right now:

This is the chorus to the song Circles by Incubus

"Hey what would it mean to you?
To know that it'll
Come back around again
Hey whatever it means to you
Know that everything
Moves in circles"

Last night we picked up the new otb kids. Well, by picked up I mean Jake and I played a trick on the girl, Jess, and we all sang Beautiful People to her (while I percussed on the first half of the song). Then we went to get Max who wasn't where he was supposed to be, after which we went to get Larry who also wasn't where he was supposed to be. We went back to Jonah's room and basically had a fucking awesome time. Max and Larry both came later, and some of us played foosball, which I fucking love and am pretty good at. Jason came for a little bit...but he seemed scared of us.

But seriously, what an awesome time.

Our new name should be off the shitshow.

i have been having great workouts at the gym. today was another great workout. mmm.

Yesterday I got myself all freaked out about my future. This had to do with work study vs. taking out another loan. Basically one is doing something now for the future, and the other is putting off what I don't have to worry about today. Then I got upset because how am I supposed to go live in South America (a pipe dream of mine) after I graduate when I have thousands of dollars worth of loans to pay off? And with what money from what job would I be paying them off? How do I even know what I want to do, and once I figure that out, how do I even begin to try to find a job I want, where I want, live where I want, etc.??

Today I slept in. I was awakened by a phone call at 12:30 and decided that was a fine time for me to get up. I had easy mac for breakfast, because I can, watched a few minutes of All My Children, then came up to my room and watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy. Today I have absolutely no responsibilities. At no point today do I have to be somewhere at any time. I will go to the gym at some point. I will clean my room. Maybe I will vacuum. But all at my leisure.

I had days like this over the summer. Sometimes they would make me feel lonely, because on these days I spend a lot of time by myself. On these days I would sometimes wonder what my purpose was, and why I wasn't going somewhere (not literally, but in the grand scheme of my life). If I didn't have another person - someone to think about, someone to do things for - what was the point? What was I doing?

Today is different from those days, because today i feel at peace. Today I do whatever I want whenever I want. Why do I have to be "going somewhere" today? Why do I have to do anything other than be, anything other than simplify my life? And I know that I'm not alone. There are plenty of people I can call if I want. There are people who want to spend time with me, and knowing that is comfort in itself.

Basically, the motto of my day is:

Whatever whatever, I do what I want.

Poetry Thursday

Since music is my passion and the lyrics to songs can be considered poems, this "poem" is the lyrics to the song Make Yourself by Incubus.

If I hadn't made me, I would've been made somehow
If I hadn't assembled myself, I'd have fallen apart by now
If I hadn't made me, I'd be more inclined to bow
Powers that be, would have swallowed me up
But that's more than I can allow
Bow, aww yeah

If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache
At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes
Then you crumble and blow away
If you let them fuck you, there will be no fore-play
Rest assured, they'll screw you complete
Til your ass is blue and gray

You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

If I hadn't made me, I'd have fallen apart by now
I won't let them make me, It's more than I can allow
So when I make me, I won't be paper mache
And if I fuck me, I'll fuck me my own way
POW, fuck me in my own way
POW, fuck me in my own way
POW, fuck me in my own way
Fuck me in my own way

You should make amends with you
If only for better health, better health
But if you really want to live
Why not try, and make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself
Make yourself

i am my happiest me in newport. i miss it there. i miss being away from anything and everything that could trouble me. i miss the beach and the sand and the ocean which was so warm and glorious.

they installed swings and monkey bars on the beach, and i finally utilized them on our second to last day there. i had a moment on the swings. while i was swinging i looked through the chains until they disappeared and i could see only the blue sky with the beautiful white cumulous clouds, followed only by the sand below my feet. but no chains. just beautiful newport. just the beach in all its simplicity, reminding me what's important in life and asking me to take a deep breath of it in before it was too late. i breathed deeper than i've ever breathed. i tried to encapsulate some of it in my core. i inhaled the refreshing beach air so deep in the hopes that part of it would never leave me. if i could only capture the essence of the beach, of newport, in my soul, everything would be ok, right? because newport means it's ok. newport means it's great. it means life is beautiful, and how can i forget it up there?

the sky does the most amazing things in newport. the clouds practically speak to you with their beauty. "look at me," they say. "just look. how can anything be wrong in the world when we are lit up in the most brilliant pinks and oranges and blues and purples?" they dance around each other like light, airy brush strokes from the most brilliant painter. the sunset clouds in newport move me, and at the same time they paralyze me with their beauty.

the stars. the stars have the same effect as the clouds. looking at the stars at night, glancing up at the constellations that are visible only in the absence of ambient light, i can take another deep breath. they're still there. even the dimmest stars glow bright in the midnight blue sky. it's out there - the atmosphere. it has us.

sometimes i think i sleep deeper in newport than anywhere else. it's as if the sky and all its stars wrap me up in a cocoon of comfort, of complete relaxation. my mind is free to wander, to explore its depths without fear or shame. i don't need to understand it, and i don't need to worry. the vastness is safety. the world is at peace with itself in newport, and it is because of this that i am at peace as well. newport reassures me that my fears and my challenges will be met and overcome. newport reminds me that i am strong and capable. it represents everything that is right with the world. it represents everything i can accomplish if my mind is in the right place, if i believe in myself. and why should i not believe in myself? newport asks me this question even though it knows the answer. newport believes in me, because the world is beautiful and as part of the world i am beautiful too. and if newport believes, it must be right. newport cannot be wrong.

soo i'm in newport. and it's raining. please, give me break.

i've never been so against going back to school.

reasons i don't want to go back include:
- don't want to start school work
- don't want to get a real job or jobs
- don't want to see certain people
- don't want the people i've been having so much fun with over summer to go back to their respective schools
- not particularly excited to start otb
- definitely don't want this to be my last year of college... i don't want to spend the whole year thinking every thing is my last fill in the blank of college
- too much pressure to figure out my life = scary shit

yep.

on a positive note...

summer is not over yet. every day better be fucking awesome, or as close to it as possible.

Btw... on the drive up here yesterday the tire blew on the car in front of me while I was driving. It was pretty much one of the scariest, if not the scariest, driving experiences I've ever had. I didn't even have time to think while it was happening. All I knew was there was a loud noise followed by large pieces of tire flying at my car. I slowed down and avoided them without swerving or getting rear ended or crashing into any other cars. It took me about ten minutes to calm down afterwards, though, because when I was able to think about what had just happened...it was pretty fucking scary.

Ok, time to go shopping or something.

finally posting this...

First New York. Soon Newport (again). Only places with "new" in their names. I think I had forgotten how awesome new experiences are. Last year I developed habits (some good, some bad) that I just fell into and loved. I didn't want the new experiences that came with a change. I guess I just forgot how great meeting new people is. Not that I didn't meet new people, and not that I didn't have a great time with the people I was with last year. But I am meeting all kinds of people I might not have otherwise met and they are a lot of fun.

I've been meaning to write about my trip to NY, so here goes:

Thursday:

Took the 2 o'clock Chinatown bus. Only $12, which was great, and it wasn't crowded so I got two seats to myself. When I got to NY's Chinatown I was accosted by a bunch of asian women asking where I was going. I assumed they were trying to get me on another bus somewhere but I wasn't sure so I just walked past them. Eventually I found a cab after wandering a bit, and I had him drop me off at 21st and 2nd Ave. I found a Starbucks and hung out there for a few hours, since my bag was really too heavy to carry around. I managed to entertain myself with sudoku, my magazine, my ipod and lots of people watching for about three hours. I felt pretty cool for being in a Starbucks in New York, mostly because I had gotten myself there without getting lost or overwhelmed or having any problems. As I was about to go to a diner Ziyaad called me and said he was out of work, so we trekked up the 17 flights of stairs to his room (the elevators were out) and then went to dinner together.

Rina came over to Ziyaad's for about an hour and we hung out before Ziyaad and I and a friend of his went out. Laurent and a friend of his met up with us, and it was a good time. After being out we went back to Z's friend's place for a bit, then Z and I went back to his dorm and trudged up those stairs. He let me sleep on the top bunk of his bunk bed while he slept on the floor which was pretty nice of him.

Friday:

Z took my bag to work with him so I didn't have to carry it around with me all day (I wouldn't be able to get back in his dorm w/o him). I left his place around 1 and found myself a little diner for brunch. After that I walked up 3rd Ave, heading for 34th street where the woman who worked at the diner told me there was shopping. On my way I stopped at a thrift store where I got two shirts and a belt that I bargained down from $7 to $4. Walking the streets of New York by myself was so fun. I loved all the people that were out, I loved how lively it was. I found some great shopping on 34th street, where I bought leggings (yes, awful, I know...but I actually like them..), a cool shirt that looks like a kimono, and some other stuff. After that I went to the most glorious three story H&M. I was, and still am, in awe of how glorious it was. Picked up my bag from Z's friend at work, Zach got me at a starbucks I found, we got Joe, went back to Joe's place.

Around 10 Joe, Zach, Joe's friend and I went to dinner at a Japanese place where we ordered a feast and some sake. It was great. After dinner we met up with some of Joe's friends at a bar where we played foosball. Not really sure what time we got back to Joe's. I slept on the couch in Joe's hall and Zach slept on the floor. The couch was pretty comfy.

Saturday:

Joe had to work so Snack and I got brunch at a diner, then started walking towards where we thought the city was. After walking about 40 minutes out of our way, I realized we went the wrong way so we turned around. We met up with Joe for a few minutes, he went back to his place to nap, we took the subway to go to the empire state building. The wait was 2 1/2 hours. If we had known this when we got there we definitely wouldn't have waited, but I was glad we did when we got to the top. It was pretty awesome being so much higher than everything else in the city. The view was beautiful and I took a ton of pictures, but I didn't throw any pennies over the side. Zach noticed from up there that there were more cabs driving in the streets than real cars.

Since we were pretty tired after our waiting escapade we ordered chinese for dinner and didn't leave Joe's place til about midnight, and when we left we found a bar that had beirut. Laurent and Parker met us there, and again a good time was had by all. Except for when I was playing against some total asshole who I may or may not have yelled at, because he was making the game not fun.

Sunday:

Lunch with Joe, Zach and their friend Kevin who went to college with them when I was still in hs. Talladega Nights after that. Hilarious. Zach almost stayed because Kevin wanted him to go out that night, but fortunately he drove me back. On the way back he drove a good 30 miles out of the way, so our trip back took longer than expected, but was fine other than that

so i'm going up to newport even though i don't really want to. it's what my mom and i planned so it's what we're doing. i hope we come back on monday and not a wednesday. i hope it's nice weather, because i won't mind getting beached out again. i hope my cold goes away up there, and i hope someone can come up and visit me..

leaving for nyc in a few minutes. let's hope i get there, and that i can figure out how to navigate the big apple.

I am completely unable to pack lightly. I've always had this problem, and I think I get it from my mom. When I go somewhere for more than a night I consider everything I might need. What if I get an upset stomach? Better bring pepto bismol. What if it's cold? Better bring an extra layer (I was known for always having a change of clothes in high school). I think of all the things I may or may not need, and end up trying to bring them all, even when I know deep down that I could get by with just one outfit, a toothbrush and contact lens solution for three days if I really had to. I thought I was doing a good job packing for ny, but now all my stuff won't fit in the duffel bag I'm bringing. I could probably squeeze everything in there, but I need to keep it light since I may end up walking all over tarnation lugging this bag, potentially with a backache. So now I have to go back and meticulously comb through what I already meticulously packed and get rid of stuff I probably won't wear or won't use. This is not a complaint, mind you. I'm excited to go to ny and I know I can eliminate some stuff, so I'll figure it out. It's just hard to be a serial overpacker.

Today I'm packing for NYC. I'm pretty excited for it. I'm gonna take the bus some time tomorrow, stay with Ziyaad tomorrow night, then stay with Joe Fri and Sat. Zach may or may not come up for the weekend. I'll also get to see Rina tomorrow night, hopefully, and I might see Eric tomorrow too. Eric told me Muse is playing tomorrow night and I'd love to see them, but it's sold out and I'll have my duffel bag with me til Z gets off work and lets me in his dorm. But we'll see, because that would be amazing.

I did pretty much nothing at my "cushy job" today. Drove to my gpo's to drop some stuff off/use their comp to get my pics off my phone/watch soaps there.

The train back to school got delayed about half an hour, and we ended up just sitting there waiting for Amtrak trains to go by (since they get preference over lowly Septa apparently). It was pretty cold on the train, and even putting my fleece over my legs didn't warm me up. But I guess that's better than it being a hundred degrees on the train.

I took the subway back since it was too late to get the free bus. Walking up the stairs, a man stumbled a bit and the women behind him started cracking up. They laughed for a good two minutes at the poor guy. It really annoyed me cause...come on, tripping is embarrassing enough.

Other than that, not much to report. Oh, I decided I like driving (for the most part). I love how music can set the mood of a drive. Some music makes you feel like you're in a car commercial, with no other outside sound and it's just you and the road, while other music makes you feel so completely carefree, and still other music makes you feel like everything you drive by is the most beautiful thing in the world and you just wish you could stop and smell the roses, but you can't because you've just got to keep driving. It's great.

just a brief mention: i accidentally stabbed myself with a fork on friday. i was loading the dishwasher and some of the forks were sticking up in the silverware bin thingy, and i put my hand down hard on one of the prongs. it hurt like a bitch.

Among the many things I found while cleaning out my room at home were a bunch of poems I've read for various english classes. I really like this one by Pablo Neruda:

Love Sonnet XI

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.



It's pretty intense, but I love how passionate it is.

There was a party two houses down from mine last night. I had a lot of fun. Some girl complimented me on my bangs and said they were awesome, so that's cool. Anyway, good times were had by all.

fucking packing peanuts. i was taking boxes from the basement to the side of the house by way of the shady, disgusting basement door and through the backyard. one of the boxes was some long, rectangular-shaped box filled with packing peanuts. i was dragging it through the backyard when it tipped over and half of the load of packing peanuts fell all over the place. i tried picking them up for a good ten minutes and got most of them, but it was just too hot out to pick them all up. plus, after i had gotten most of them back in the box a wind picked up, blowing more out onto the ground. fucking packing peanuts.

---

hung out with Umber and Eli last night. if they read this they can read it in that voice...so i went to subway today and got a meatball hoagie...or whatever it was they were saying... we watched the family guy movie. it was pretty funny.

i think i'm gonna start taking my antibiotic today, cause my chest is kind of hurting at this point. it's clear i'm not getting better on my own and i need to be better by the time i go to new york, or shit is gonna suck. i wanted to wait until after this weekend, but i think the sooner i take it the better.

Yesterday sucked. My mom yelled at me for letting the dude who took the trash out of our basement take some metal bar. This sleezy dude at the gas station I always stop at hit on me (he asked me to take my sunglasses to see my eyes, said they were beautiful and asked why I hide them, to which I responded "BLEHHHH" and vomited all over him. Ok, not really. I just said "b/c it's sunny out"). Blech.

Today I had to get up at 8 am which sucked because I went to bed way later than I wanted last night. I had to get up so early to make sure the trash guys took all the trash from the basement that was out on our sidewalk, b/c my mom was worried we'd have to pay them to take it all. When I heard the trash truck (I almost missed it...my mom would have been pissed) I ran outside and asked the trash guys if they'd be able to take it all, and they made googly eyes and said yeah they could do that, and then kept waving bye to me. Ummm yeah.

After that I did some misc stuff around the house, cleaned out my room a bit, ate lunch, napped for not nearly long enough, then went to the doctor since I've had a chest cold for the last three weeks. He said I don't have walking pneumonia, so that's good news. He gave me an antibiotic, but I really would rather not take it so I'm trying to be really healthy this week and get enough sleep (aside from last night when I really didn't since I had to get up so early) so I can be better by the time I go to NYC next week. I still have to figure that all out. I am sort of counting on staying at people's places and I need to double check with them that it's ok and what nights it will work so I have a place to stay each night.

In other news...I'm gonna go watch tv shows or play guitar or something. I'm listening to this electronica band called Basement Jaxx and they are pretty good.

...who knew?? they do the "where's your head at" song!

Grey's Anatomy is such a depressing show. Every episode I watch makes me sad, and yet I keep watching it.

In the episode I just watched there was this old married couple who had been together for sixty years. The woman had some problem and was only going to have four to six months to live. The husband didn't want her to know she was dying because he didn't want her to be upset before she died, and she didn't want her husband to know for the same reason. I don't know why, but this old couple made me so sad. Maybe it's because they remind me of my grandparents, who I can't imagine losing. Maybe it's because the idea of having someone you love who loves you back for that long just doesn't seem real or possible to me. It doesn't even seem possible to me for a short time. Or maybe it's just because I had a bad day and any sad thing is making me sad.

I like this quote from the show, however:

"I think you can't wait for someone to fly underneath you and save your life. I think you have to save yourself."

I just taught myself how to play blackbird on guitar. Finally. I feel like all guitar players know how to play that song. I am gonna get good at guitar, I've decided. I want to be able to read tabs and be able to easily play what they say.

* * * * *

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's hypocrites. I'm also not big on people who want to be treated better than they treat others. But hypocrites? Man. I want to punch them in the face.

* * * * *

The hot water heater in my house at school is broken. It supposedly won't be fixed for two days. Looking on the bright side, however, at least it's summer and at least I go home every day and can shower there.

And at least I am not THAT big of a hypocrite.

* * * * *

Zach said he doesn't think he could embarrass himself with me. I kind of like that.

* * * * *

You know how on SATs they tell you that you can find the right answer by eliminating the wrong ones? I think sometimes that's how life is. I don't know what career I want to pursue, but maybe I can figure it out by eliminating all the ones I don't want to pursue and choosing between what's left. Dating is also the same way. You have to figure out what you want by knowing what you don't want. Only with dating it's much more of a pain in the ass, because half the time you don't know what you don't want until you get it and by then it's too late and you have to go through all kinds of shit. Dating sort of seems not worth it if you ask me. I think in the future all guys should just hand me their resumes, a list of their good and bad traits (compiled by their ex-girlfriends), and a photo or two, and I will decide from there. Then I can eliminate who I don't want and perhaps find someone I do want.

It's too bad jobs and dating aren't as easy as the SATs. At least with the SATs you take a course taught by someone in the know, study one book that will supposedly tell you everything you need to know, take a couple practice tests, go in and do the real thing which only lasts a few hours, and you're done. Plus, if you fuck up, you just take the test again until you get your desired score. It still sounds similar to dating, though. With dating you don't take a course but there is always someone who thinks they know giving you advice, there are books that claim to tell you everything you need to know, dating people that aren't right for you is like taking practice tests, and taking the real test is like finding the right person for you. Except that finding the right person takes a lot more than a few hours, as does finding the right job, the right home, etc.

you are suuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a hypocrite, it's amazing.

---

A brief weekend update:

Friday night I went to Marrakesh with Umber and his friends. It was a ton of fun. While we were walking to the subway my heels were killing me, so Umber let me wear his birkenstocks and he walked around barefoot!! It was so nice of him. After dinner we all went back to his place and hung out, played darts, etc.

Saturday I went to the gym, did the bike and elliptical and weights and crunches, then went to Sam's bday party at Adrian's. Also a TON of fun. It was great to finally see everyone and of course Adrian's is always a ton of fun. I'd write in more detail but..you never know who reads these things. Some fun things include.. fireworks that Taylor bought for Sam, people throwing wet towels at each other (but mostly at Tommy), play dough, glow sticks, flip cup (girls won b/c we are awesome), some card games (a little poker), pool, Sam opening a million goofy ass presents, framing Ryan by writing "Ryan wuz here," etc.

Sunday I dropped some stuff off at my grandparents' and then went to their pool to further my tan.

This morning I woke up with a sore throat, so I am trying to take it easy so I don't have to take an antibiotic, even though I've had a cough for about 2 1/2 weeks at this point.

Now back to teaching myself Incubus songs on guitar. I have recently been getting really into them and they are amazing. My favorite songs by them right now are Just A Phase, Clean, The Warmth and Out From Under.

In case you didn't know, Floyd Landis just won the Tour de France (I like cyclingnews better). He deserves it for an awesome performance a few days ago, where he rode ahead of everyone else by himself. And he needs hip replacement surgery. And he's from Lancaster (this doesn't mean he deserves it more, it's just cool).

Go Floyd. As lance once said "Run like you stole something, Floyd." And he ran.

Do you ever just wish it would rain?

The constant hum of my air conditioner drowns out sounds from outside, so I didn't know it was raining this morning until I went into the bathroom. Back in my room, I turned the AC off in the hopes that the rain would continue so I could lay in bed and let the pitter patter of the drops on my window soothe me. The rain stopped soon after, but I wished it had kept up. I'm in the mood for rain today.

I wish it was raining right now. It would just make Tisbury Lane sound even better. It would make my pensive mood more meaninful and deep. It would wash away everything that's bothering me and usher in a bright and sunny tomorrow (or a bright sunny day after tomorrow if tomorrow ends up being cloudy). The rain would make everything better.

Of course I know it's not the rain I need. It won't fix anything. I've got everything I need to fix whatever it is that troubles me. I should read something inspirational. Maybe I'll just go for a walk.

went to the gym tonight. did the bike instead of the elliptical and felt more of a burn in my legs, which is good. then came back and watched the last 40 minutes of today's tour on OLN. glad i have cable :)

Tuesday night I went to Eddie's and he and Ryan and I went swimming in his pool and played pool basketball (I am terrrrrible at it. Remember: I sing because I'm not athletic).

Yesterday morning Bea, our cleaning lady, came over and helped me in the basement. I found some of my favorite childhood toys, including my Legos, my old Etch a Sketch, and a plastic drum with drum sticks, a tambourine and cymbals, among other things. I kept the Legos and the Etch a Sketch and brought them to school. While we were cleaning, Bea found a block of wood shaped like a "Y" and she said "It's a y for why do you have so much shit?!?!" It was pretty hilarious. Later on I got to paint a radiator. It was actually kind of fun (in comparison to what we were doing in the basement).

After my grueling day I went to dinner with Meghan, Eddie, Ryan and Tommy at the diner, then came back to school and hung out with Umber and his friends. It was a lot of fun. I brought my Legos over to Umber's and we all built things. The boys all built actual things, like a car or a house, and I built some random ass nothing that looked cool cause the colors and the pattern were symmetric, and it was really tall. It sort of looked like a dinosaur, until one of Umber's friends accidentally knocked it over. I played the guys my song (Let Go) and they were like "wow we just shat our pants," and "please can you always talk like that" and they said how awesome it was and how hot I sound. Then they tried to make me sing, but of course I didn't. One of Umber's friends said I should be a professional singer and that he'd buy all of my albums which was really nice.

I like choosing when I'm staying in. Tonight, for example, I am gonna stay in and just watch TV shows on my computer. I've got some arrested development, south park, grey's anatomy, and some movies i can watch. Maybe I'll play a little guitar, maybe I'll do my nails. Basically I'll be resting up for my weekend, since I passed out on the couch at home today for about an hour and a half. Tomorrow I'm going out to dinner with Umber and his friends and Saturday I will finallllly get to see everyone from high school at Sam's bday party at Adrian's, which I am soooo excited for. Breton wanted me to go to Haddonfield tomorrow night but I already made dinner plans, so hopefully I can go another time. And no DC this weekend, cause there's just too much going on here for me to go away. Sorry Zach. Fred also is gonna be in Virginia some time, I forget if it's this weekend or next weekend, and as much as I'd love to see him, I have no way to get there.

i should download the movie half baked. eddie, ryan, meghan and tommy were talking about it tonight and i realized i've never seen it (among hundreds of other popular movies).

I can't believe I thought I would have nothing to do when I came back from Newport. I've been busy every night since I got back, and this weekend I have 3 different things I could do both nights :-D I was gonna go to DC but my friends here are having a party Sat night that I am gonna go to. It's gonna be sweet ass.

Today I figured out the Gold Loop bus, which is free to anyone who has a Penn student ID. I can save so much money if I take that instead of cabs or even the subway or other buses. It's so sweet.

I changed the URL of this blog so my mom wouldn't read it. Lately I've been feeling like she's really controlling and I sort of can't deal with it. I don't really want to say much else about it.

Saturday night I hung out with Dick and Umber and Umber's friend. It was a ton of fun. I hung out with Umber and his buddies last night and prob will again tonight. I had a great time last night too. :-D

---

Today at home I cleaned out part of my closet. What I found were all my old papers from high school. Notes from every subject, old papers, old assignment books. It was fun to look through the things I liked (english papers, my sketchpad from portfolio) and trash the things I hated (math..). I also found old notes my friends wrote me, notes that we passed back and forth during class, and even an old email from an ex that was really nice. I took a dance class for a P.E. credit in high school and I found some hand outs from that. They made me want to learn ballet. I found old english papers that made me want to write (creatively) again. My sketchbook renewed in me a desire to draw. My math stuff, however, made me glad I would never have to use a graphing calculater or know what a parametric equation is ever again.

I have a long list of things I want to do, yet when I actually have time to do them I screw around on the computer or watch TV. I want to figure out how to use Reason, take salsa lessons and piano lessons, get better at guitar, relearn music theory (I can't find my old music theory textbook which is really bothering me..), and I'd like to learn how to use javascript and css (yeah, I'm a nerd, and yeah, those are probably outdated by now, I have no idea). I'd also love to draw more and learn more spanish and read so I'm educated. But somehow, all these things take a backburner to making sure I'm brainlessly entertained at any given moment. It sort of makes me feel like a schlub to have all these things I want to do and to feel like I won't get half of them done. I should also go to the gym tonight, but I am probably not going to since my back is hurting just a tiny bit and I really don't feel like it. Those three or four days I got no exercise in Newport were bad because now I feel completely unmotivated. I can say I'll go tomorrow night, but that's what I said yesterday when I had an entire free day and didn't go then either.

I guess I should stop bitching though. On the days I don't go to the gym I'll just be more careful about what I eat, and those things will equal out.

I was gonna go to see sonic vision tonight with Umber and his friends, except that apparently it's only Saturday nights during the summer. Who knew? I've already gone three times, but it's so good I wouldn't mind going again.

I just finished restringing my guitar, all by myself!! I am so proud. I looked up how to do it online and figured it out and then finallllly played it. I haven't played guitar in so long. I am gonna try to get good at it.

I think I figured out what the tarot card reader meant by "go forward, don't go backwards."

Last night my mom and I decided to go to this bar to watch people sing bad karaoke. We got there and sat down at a table that had two beer cups on it but no one sitting there. They belonged to this guy and his uncle who were playing pool. The guy ended up getting my mom and me cups and pouring us beer from his pitcher. It was pretty weird for me to drink in front of my mom, but he was giving us free drinks so..why not? After one cup my mom said she thought my eyes were losing focus. Haha. The dude ended up being in the army and telling us all about that, including a lot about North Korea and Kim Jong Il. It made me feel really ignorant to not only know what's going on in the world, but to think the only time I've heard of Kim Jong Il was in Team America. All I could think about while the guy talked about that stuff was the "I'm so wonwry" song. When it was time for us to leave I told the guy that I appreciate what he's doing and he said "We do it for pretty girls like you." Then I said that we appreciate it, he said something else about me being pretty, and I said "I do what I can." Oh, and he asked for my number. I said it was our last night here and he said he was going away in a week but would call me when he got back in a year. I told him I might be in another country then (hopefully Spain or South America).

Probably the creepiest things the tarot card reader said was that someone in my life "wants to have their cake and eat it too" and that "two plus two does not equal four to them." Pretty freaking scary that she said those things.

Last night my mom and I went out to dinner at a restaurant we'd never gone to before - The Red Parrot. We got prime seats right by the window so we could people watch. It was really yummy - we had sizzling fajitas which were messy but delish. For dessert I got this thing called a No Way Jose which was vanilla and chocolate ice cream, warm peanut butter, butterscotch and hot fudge in a "big glass." When the waitress brought it over it was huge...like almost as big as my head. There was no way I could eat it all, but I tried. Everyone that walked by on the street was laughing at me, and one family walked by three times and laughed each time. Even this guy who rides people around in a two seater cart attached to his bike stood there and laughed at me for a bit, but I laughed back because it was pretty hilarious.

After that I got my tarot cards read. I did this last summer and everything the woman said was totally on. It was a different woman this time, but she was still so on about everything she said. She told me I had been going on a road for 8 months that just stopped recently. She said I had been going around in circles and that I needed to go forwards, not backwards. She also told me a lot of other stuff, much more specific than what I'm writing here, but I don't care to say what. I will just say that she was totally right and if nothing else was able to read my mind and know exactly what I was thinking. She said a decent amount of stuff about another person, and told me that I did everything I could have done and not to worry about what I should have said or done. She also told me to wait for September, and that opportunities I never thought of would present themselves, and that I would be carefree and happy then. And she said that there is someone right in front of my face that I am not seeing, or something like that. Overall it was very positive. She also told me that I'll live to be 81 and that I will have one marriage with no separation or divorce, and I will have 3 kids.

I dunno about the 3 kids part. I was thinking 2. A boy and a girl (in that order), so that the boy can beat up the girl's bad boyfriends.

I'm coming back Friday. I am excited to see people when I get back, and Umber's gonna be in Philly on Sat so I am gonna see if Dick can come down from NY and we can have another german class reunion. It should be zehr gut.

Oh, and it really was his friends over me the whole time. Guess i'll know better for next time.

My mom and I decided to stay in Newport til the end of the week since my cousins aren't coming up like we thought, and cause we've been having such a great time here. But because no one is coming up, we could have come up later and I could have gone to Panic! and maybe been home for 4th of July. Ugh. But anyway, at least I will get tanner and skinnier while I'm here.

Bad news: Eric is going to LA til August!!!! Ughhhhh.

Good news: Rachel said she ran into Miguel last weekend and he's living at Penn!! I am gonna call him when I get back.. I haven't seen him in quite some time.

Some other good news: I got complimented on this really cute skirt I've been wearing to the beach 5 times! I also got complimented on my sunglasses and my hair, and got checked out by the hottest lifeguard on the beach, so I'm feeling pretty hot. You might say I'm a sweet winner.

so shit is fucked. basically when i signed into mobile IM from my phone, signing out of it didn't actually sign me out, so i just stayed online. i guess people must have IMed me, because I checked my text estimates a bunch of times and they kept going up crazy crazy amounts. but even if people IMed me, I didn't get the IMs to my phone, but they still counted as texts. what the fuck. now i can't figure out how to disable mobile IM, and I had two people sign on my screen name and try since I can't do it here and the woman working here was a bitch and wouldn't let me download AIM. She wasn't even nice about it. ugh. stupid fucking verizon and stupid everyone.

so becky and mom mom and granddad came up. becky and i went out last night and it was really fun. spent about 6 1/2 hours on the beach today. it was the perfect beach day. :)

so becky is coming up w/ my grandparents today. if they get here in time she and i can go to bars tonight :) they close at 1 here which is pretty lame, but we will get to go out tomorrow and monday, and maybe 4th of july. yessssssss.

panic! is tonight. i really wish i was going. but i did get lots of sun today.

last night: bought cool clothes
today: cloudy, got a hair cut (my bangs look awesome) and hopefully going to nice dinner tonight :)

So here i am in newport, blogging from lovely second beach. The only clouds in the sky are so far off they wouldn't bother coming all the way over here. It's pretty damn nice here if you can't tell.

This month of free mobile web is making me want it all the time. I am currently on the way up to newport in the rain. Schmoo.

Yesterday I didn't have to go home, so I got to sleep in late. I slept til 11:30, which was pretty nice. Then I worked on packing, went to SFCU, and did some miscellaneous other shit, including selling an aquarium I had posted on craigslist :) I also went to the gym (I think I hurt my back there, cause this morning I woke up around 10:30 and my back was hurting me so I couldn't fall back asleep) and after that saw Click with Kevin. It was actually way funnier than the commercials let on, until it got really serious, and then it had a moral of the story. Who knew? But I enjoyed it. After the movie I hung out w/ Rachel, and then with Stacey when she got back from the studio.

Today it's more packing.

It's been a long day. I was awakened this morning at 8:15 am by a loud knock on my door. It was the painter who is gonna fix the wall in chipping paint on the wall in my room. He said he could come back, but I figured I'd let him see the wall since he was here. After that I didn't fall back asleep til maybe ten minutes before my alarm went off, so when it went off I was not pleased. I did take an hour and a half nap today which was nice.

Sooooo schyup.

to the people who designed the lg phone and it's software: marry me.

to the people who designed the razr's software and the keys that are hard to get to: you are not smart like the lg people.

why is nothing going my way? everything sucks.

Blogging from my phone while on the train, cause i can. I don't think i can go to the panic concert now and i am really upset. The train is just too expensive to take it back here and then back up. I am so bummed because i was really looking forward to it. I think the only way i could do it was if someone would let me borrow their car, and who could i even ask. I just don't want to be alone with my mom on 4th of july and be bored and lonely. also, yesterday i decided i want to be a fish so i can just swim around in circles and have a 3 second memory span. That way, nothing could upset or hurt me. Who knows, maybe i will meet people in newport and do something with them on 4th of july. I won't count on it, but it did happen last summer so i guess there's a chance it can happen again.

I guess I sort of wonder if he misses anything, or if he's totally glad to be done with me. I wonder if he ever questions this, or can't believe it, or if he's like...whatever, now I have my freedom and none of that shit. I'm just wondering.

---

So my mom wanted me to cut down this tree in the front of our house cause it was sticking into the gutters. I started cutting it today and noticed that there was a bird nest in there, but I figured it was abandoned. A little while later these two birds came by and got really upset and started watching me and talking to each other. One of them stood on a wire near the tree and inched its way over towards the tree to check on the nest. I stopped and went inside for a sec (to take off the hat, goggles and face mask I was wearing...it looked hilarious) and when I went back out one of the birds was in the nest and I saw little baby birds moving around!! I told my mom and she didn't want me to cut any more down. I hope the baby birds survive even though their nest is exposed. When my mom and I went outside after that, the birds followed us to make sure we didn't hurt their babies. I was afraid they were gonna attack us and try to peck our eyes out or something.

Also, my new phone is awesomeeeeeeee and they gave me a free month of Vcast, so I looked up the score of the world cup, went on AIM, and checked my email, just cause I could. I also get 5 free downloads!! I'm gonna try to download games, but I'm not sure if they are included or if it's just music. I can see why they give people a free month, though...cause it's awesome. At least I will have it while I'm away and the Tour de France is going on, so I can read stuff about that. :-D The only bad thing about my phone, really..the ONLY bad thing...is that I already dropped it. Outside, on the cement. So it's already scratched. It was so nice and unscathed and sleek and smooth, and now it has tiny scratches. Blast!!

I am gonna miss your massages.

Hung out with Eric last night. It was good to see him and catch up with him.

So the razr's time with me was short. I traded it in today for the LG VX8300, which seems much better already. I'm pretty excited about it. My mom said that the razr wasn't right for me is a metaphor for life, and the fact that I couldn't get it the first time I wanted it meant it wasn't the right phone for me. I think I was supposed to have it so I could know that I didn't want it, and thus not be jealous of other people's razrs and be perfectly happy with my LG.

It's actually a mildly funny story how I got the new phone. I went into the store where I bought the razr and fiddled around with the LG and another motorola phone I read about that was supposedly comparable to the LG (it's not...I think it's the E815 or something...it's lame). This woman saw me fiddling around with the phones and came up and started asking me about them and I showed her a list I had made of things I wanted to check for with the LG. We ended up both wanting the LG and the store didn't have them, so I followed her to the mall (I thought I didn't know where it was, but I actually did) and we went to the verizon store together. They told us they didn't have it in stock, and right when she and I (and my mom, who I called, stupidly) were getting really mad, another guy working there said they did have it. So they switched my phone and everything and I like it soo much better. And they are giving me v cast free for a month.

today would have been 8 months.

part of me can't even believe this is real. is it cause you said you were optimistic that we'd get back together, or cause you said you missed me too? i dunno. maybe it's cause i figured that since things went so well that last day, everything would be ok.

Quick post about my weekend even though I should be asleep.

Both Fred and Zach were here. Fri night I went to mad4 with Stacey, Zach, Josh, Tully and Dusty, and then to some party at the house next door to mine.

Sat went to Breton's world cup party in NJ, then stayed later than I wanted but ended up having a pretty good time. Soccer is actually really interesting to watch, and not too hard to understand, aside from the whole offsides rule which five people have explained to me and I only sort of understand. After that we went to Breton's new digs for a bit, then to a bar where I played (and won!) three games of pool with Zach. Granted...I made 3 balls (in one shot I made two balls, so that means I only made two shots) the entire time. Oh well. Then we tried to go out when we got back but I was exhausted so I headed back early.

Sunday I had brunch w/ Fred and then we took the subway to the train station.

It was good times.

i'm sad.

after all the business about the razr phone, i'm considering getting a different one now. i am gonna try to go to the verizon store in the next few days and check out the lg vx8300.

my guitar has three strings because of two broken pegs and i don't know how to fix it and i wanted to take it to newport. :(

My horroscopes from yahoo have been really appropriate lately, to the point of being creepy. One I read last week (and I don't read them often at all, I just randomly decided to check it) said that things were gonna be in flux til the 19th (or something to that effect) and it was completely right. Here are the ones from today...with my comments on them in parenthesis:

- Rather than turn up the heat, let things cool off a bit. Put your plans on the back burner and keep them simmering, because all your energy is needed elsewhere. Obstacles will be popping up here and there, but if you're paying attention, you can flick them away like annoying gnats. Overall it will be an entertaining day full of many victories and a renewed sense of confidence. If you're looking for a bigger challenge, make your move on a hidden crush.

- Usually when you pinch yourself to see if something's real, it turns out to be a dream. Today, you won't be so lucky. The weirdest things keep happening to you. Look for landmarks to reorient yourself. (i really wish this was a dream)

- Even holding a lantern out in front of you won't help you see better right now -- it'll illuminate the fog and make the glare brighter. If you can stand to sit in the dark on Monday and Tuesday, do it. Hey, maybe you'll get some good thinking done. Consider keeping the lights dim on Wednesday, too -- a candlelit dinner is exactly your speed. Flowers, poetry and clever stationery figure on Thursday, but Friday and Saturday are less floral and more frantic. Try not to become overwhelmed. And if you do feel overwhelmed, take solace in the knowledge that Sunday will be fun and regenerative. (this one is the weekly one...and is so appropriate. even though i don't know what will happen, we are supposed to be going to newport soon, so that's probably the hectic part).

My mom and I went to the dollar store and I had some fun spending money there. I've just been watching tv since we got back. I'll probably take a nap, and I want to go to the gym when I get back tonight but I don't know if I'm gonna do that. I am gonna watch Drive Me Crazy with Stacey and Rachel at some point, which should be entertaining.

I love my mommy.

Also, I've been losing weight which makes me happy. It's probably from not eating easy mac every night before I go to bed, which is what I did last semester.

When I was much younger I saw the musical Oliver in europe somewhere. I really loved it, but all I can remember of it now was this song:

"Where is love?
Does it fall from skies above?
Is it underneath the willow tree
That I've been dreaming of?
Where is she?
Who I close my eyes to see?
Will I ever know the sweet "hello"
That's only meant for me?
Who can say where she may hide?
Must I travel far and wide?
'Til I am beside the someone who
I can mean something to ...
Where...?
Where is love?"

the first half of today was good. i got the razr. i have some qualms about it but i think it will be ok.

went to my grandparents' pool.

ate chicken wings.

the dead cockroach i found on my floor pretty much sums up the end of my day.

"that was....

delete delete."

- Morgan

more things:

tried to get the razr. verizon people are idiots/assholes/both, so it's gonna be hard for me to get a razr apparently. not worth getting into why.

i spent a few hours at my grandparents' pool (at their apt) sans suntan lotion and got very burned. but it will turn into tan.

a flaming lips song played through shuffle in my itunes this morning and made me miss you.

I saw something on Frankie's blog about Poetry Thursday and I thought it was a cool idea. Here is part of a poem I really like by T.S. Eliot:

I

Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive to strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign?

Because I do not hope to know again
The infirm glory of the positive hour
Because I do not think
Because I know I shall not know
The one veritable transitory power
Because I cannot drink
There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is nothing again

Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are and
I renounce the blessed face
And renounce the voice
Because I cannot hope to turn again
Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something
Upon which to rejoice

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death
Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

* * * * *

I found this poem a while ago and decided I liked it, and rediscovered it when I was cleaning out my room.

---

I drove back to school tonight and pretty much prayed that I would get a spot in front of my house with lots of space, and low and behold I got it. I was so glad. Someone up there liked me today.

I am hopefully going to get the razr tomorrow. I am sooo excited just thinking about it!!!!

Also, Stacey is back and I am so glad to see her!

I might get to use my grandparents' pool tomorrow. I hope I hope I do.

Ohhh, and I did my overdub in Hide and Seek today. It was nice to go back into the studio for a bit, and Jason said once my song is mixed he can put it on his comp and I can get it from him, soooo that is pretty exciting also. :)

Sooo I might be able to get a razr. I think if I buy it online it's free, but probably if I don't buy it online I will have to pay $20. I think I am eligible. Oh please oh please let me be eligible.

Going into the studes tomorrow to do an overdub I forgot about.

I got parked in again last night.

As it was I had parked into a really tiny spot, this time easily and without any assistance. I had probably just enough room in front of me to get out. I went to the gym after I got home, and on my way back I noticed three great spots on my street (as opposed to a block and a half away where I had parked). I walked to the car to move it, and the person in front of me had left and another car had parked me in, leaving about 5 inches behind them, and two and a half feet in front of them (greedy jerk). As it was I had about three inches behind me, so I was pretty screwed. I decided I would figure it out in the morning, cause last time I had this problem the car in front of me had moved and I had plenty of room left.

This morning when I went to the car I was still parked in.

I remembered a story that my mom told me recently about how my cousin was once parked in so badly she couldn't get her car out, and some guys saw her sitting in her car, very upset, and they picked her car up and moved it. I'm not sure if that's a true story or if it was really just that old Mentos commercial, but either way I decided I needed some help. Fortunately there was a trash truck and some trash guys on the street, so I went up to them and asked for help. I was secretly hoping they'd come pick up my car and move it, but one of them came with me to the car and directed me to back up, then forward, etc. while turning the wheel all the way. I got out without too much of a problem and thanked him profusely. Before I drove away he said "Hey, where's my hug? Where's my water?" I clearly wasn't going to give him a hug, but I did give him my unopened poland springs from my bag and thanked him again, before departing for home.

---

I had a nightmare last night that I was taking a chem test, but I didn't remember anything about chemistry since I haven't taken it for so long, so I was completely confused.

I didn't even remember this dream until today when I was going through old papers, including all my old chem notes, tests and labs from high school. This is going to sound really nerdy, but I had trouble throwing them out. I'll give you a minute to stop reeling from that last sentence....

... Ok. I had a hard time parting with them because I feel like I was so much smarter then than I am now. I know that's not really true, because at a minimum I have more life experience, but I feel like now if someone asked me what a mol was or what the hell PV=nRT meant, I would stare at them blankly and have no idea. More than that, chemistry used to be so interesting, and, dare I say it, fun. Everything was like a puzzle waiting to be figured out. I know I'm only making myself sound like a bigger dork with every word. I also wouldn't be able to recall much about the muscular system, or any other system for that matter, but had you asked me while I was taking physio senior year of high school I could have told you more than you ever wanted to know. It's just a shame to me that I haven't retained most of what I used to know. If I had, I would be so much smarter right now. But as it is I can't even remember people's names the first time I meet them, even though afterwards I always vow that next time I will make sure to remember.

Alas.

gymmed today. twas good.

I've come to the conclusion that there are too many kinds of cleaning products. I decided this when I went to the supermarket to buy some lysol, soft scrub, and some other things so Bea (our cleaning lady) can come clean my house at school tomorrow. I walked down aisle five, and starting back at me were all the cleaning supplies I could ever ask for, each kind with at least five variations. Some are for the bathroom. Some are for the kitchen. Some have bleach. Some smell like raspberries. Some come with free bunnies. All you have to do is spray this one kind and it will clean the whole bathroom itself, and it will even do your dishes and wash your car. It took me a while to find what I wanted, if I even knew what that was anymore. I finally grabbed the simplest looking supplies I could find and ran screaming out of the aisle. Ok, I didn't really scream, nor did I run, but I wanted to. What ever happened to keeping things simple?

This morning when I woke at 8:45 to go to the bathroom, I started worrying about how I was going to get out of the parking spot I had squeezed myself into yesterday.

Let me rewind a bit, to yesterday.

Rachel's parents came and picked us up and took us to Mrs. Allen's retirement tea, after dropping Rachel's bf off at the train station. The tea was not bad. It was actually kind of fun. I saw a ton of my old teachers and spoke to them as people, instead of teachers who are not to be trusted.

I drove us back and managed to squeeze into a tiny space right in front of my house, with Rachel standing outside telling me just how much I could back up.

After that we went to the gym, and we're hopefully going again tonight.

So when I woke up this morning, I had no idea how I was getting out of that spot. As it was, I had parked on the curb and when I tried just to get off the curb it took me a decent amount of tries before I succeeded. I decided not to worry about it. Maybe the car in front of me will be gone and I will get out easily, I thought. But really I just didn't want to waste my last half hour of sleep stressing about something that might not be a problem. I went back to sleep and when I went to the car, the car in front of me was gone, and there were two or three feet of room in front of me, allowing me the easiest exit ever.

I know that's not a great story, but that little thing pretty much set the tone for the rest of my day (so far) (knock on wood). After that I happily sped home on the expressway, blasting my music with the windows down and letting the wind blow my hair all over.

Things I am looking forward to:

Stacey comes back on the 15th.

Fred comes up this weekend to move his stuff.

Panic!

Newport.

A year ago exactly I was in Newport. I can't wait to go back. The funniest part about it is that I'm leaving Newport to come back here for four days next time I go up (assuming all works out as I plan).

My horroscope today, according to yahoo astrology:

Don't let your worries run your life! Thinking too much about what you haven't done or where you haven't been is going to be a huge waste of your time. There's a trap in dwelling on shortcomings and fear, and right now, you need to avoid it. Simply turn your back on what is bothering you and take one day from the burden of self-examination. You need to get back in touch with your inner cheerleader. Pat yourself on the back and think about happy things and people you love.

Last night was fun. Rachel is finally here and I am sooo glad. Meghan, Frankie and Sam came down and all of us and Rachel's bf went out. It was good times, and I realized how fun reminiscing can be.

My grandmother is doing better. She should be out of the hospital tomorrow.

Now it's time to try to organize the common room on the 2nd floor.

Things:

My grandmother is in the hospital for her hip, which started hurting her so badly that she couldn't walk. I visited her yesterday on my way back to school, and today I'm driving my grandfather there to see her.

Yes I am a nerd. But not nerdy enough to know what makes a computer good these days. I need to figure that out.

Backstreet Boys have a song called "That's What She Said". That's pretty hilarious.

I'm trying to sell stuff on craigslist now that we found around the house. I just got a reply about curtains. Sweet.

And best of all...

Rachel is moving in tomorrow!!! I am soooo excited!! :-D

Things:

I am sooo happy right now. Yesterday was NOT a bad day like I thought it was gonna be, and for that I am soo greatful.

I am losing weight since I'm eating better, and I'm getting back into the gym lifestyle. I went yesterday and had a pretty decent workout. Also, I decided I like my legs.

Time to go pick up my new 250 gig external hard drive!!!!!!! I AM SUCH AN EXCITED NERD!!!!!!

Today has been a terrible, terrible day (today = Friday). I missed the train home, which pissed my mom off, she and I basically fought more than we didn't fight, I didn't call her when I got back (she was taking a nap when I left) and then I went to sleep when I got here, which freaked her out so she called me 9 times and then called Rina and Chris, and then she and I got in a disagreement about that.

The worst part is, I really don't feel like I have a friend that I can talk to right now or a sympathetic ear or shoulder or anything. I feel so shitty and it feels like no one cares.

I just got done watching Scarface w/ Donna, Rina and Jason, but that movie isn't really a mood booster, nor is it the type of movie I like at all.

Maybe I'll just go to bed. Or stay up for a few more hours and feel sorry for myself.

...thanks for coming to hang out last night Chuckles :-D

Overdubs tomorrow. I don't really want to be in the studio til 10:30, though. I need to find a way to leave earlier. That is all. Pretty good day today - home in the afternoon, now more unpacking/putting things on my walls. :)

As I was going through old notes and homework assignments in my room at home, I found a paper I wrote freshman year about how there is no one happily ever after that is the same for everyone, and in it I specifically say that money does not buy happiness (and my teacher wrote a comment agreeing with me). It's just funny cause Chris and I always debate about that.

My mom hasn't been running the AC in our house, which means it's about a million degrees here. I can't wait to go back to my house at school and put the air on cold.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was expecting to take 11:46 train home, but it turned out that the trains were running on the Sunday schedule, which meant that I had to wait around at 30th street station for 45 minutes or so for the next train. It didn't really matter, though, cause my mom picked me up from the train station and then we came home and filled out some forms. After that I drove to Rachel's and hung out with Rachel, Tom and three of Rachel's friends from Columbia. Next I drove to Chris's, where I was the only girl (my favorite guy to girl ratio) with Chris and his friends. We ate delicious steaks and overall I had a great time. If only I could see Chris tonight too...

Dear Uncle S.,

I pretty much hate you at this point. You are a crotchety old miser and I hope you enjoy it. I'm glad you live far far away from me. At the same time, I could really use $5000 when I graduate, but I guess if it's from a punishing bitter old man like you, maybe I don't want it. Maybe. Point is, you're an idiot. YOU MADE UP THAT I WAS RUDE TO YOU. You left, sent me cards/money for holidays, and then afterwards made up a story in your mind. You think you're so smart, but guess what? You're an idiot.

In terms of my great day plan...it hasn't been going too badly. Yesterday was fine aside from a couple things. Thursday was a great day. Added bonus to that day was that Chris came over here. Friday was good cause Jake had a bbq and Saturday was good also.

I love reminiscing. I know I'm not alone in this, but I sometimes think I do it more than others. I just love looking through old pictures and reading old notes or old blog posts. Recently I've been reading conversations I had with Chris when we first started out. He was so funny, and I talked a lot. Funny how some things don't change... It's also funny to see what we talked about, etc. I love how people talk differently to someone they don't know than to someone they know really well.

---

I'm getting pretty excited to move. I can't wait to set up my new room (even though it will be set up almost exactly the same way Rina had it...trade a bookcase for her mini fridge). More importantly, I can't wait to live in a house with other people, not to mention people I like.

This morning I woke up around 9 and I couldn't fall back asleep. I was hungry, I was coughing. I laid in bed for 45 minutes before giving up hope of falling back asleep. Since I'm sick I made myself some chicken and stars and topped it off with two after eight mints...so at least I'm eating dessert and it's not even 11 a.m. Way to go.

Last night I watched Clueless since I was bored and lonely.

Yesterday was Rachel's graduation brunch. It was pretty good except I wasn't really hungry, but I stuffed myself anyway. What was I supposed to do, not dip things into the chocolate fondue fountain they had??? The only other annoying thing about the brunch was that Rachel said something about how she got a shitload of money from one of our relatives for graduating, and she told me about it to get me excited for my graduation. But I told her that I wouldn't get anything from him, because he is an asshole who decided to stop giving me any presents or acknowledging me as his relative AT ALL some time ago. He doesn't send me birthday cards or birthday money, or money or cards for any other holidays or occasions. Thanks, you fucking asshole. I'm not mad at all at Rachel for saying anything about it, because she had NO IDEA he does that, since in my family when there is a problem we can't talk about it. We have to stow it away and make a huge secret of it, so that when it comes out, at a family brunch, for example, everyone can get really really upset about it and my grandmother can snap at us and say "STOP TALKING ABOUT IT" and then my grandmother and one of my cousins can sit there whispering to each other while my mom and Rachel and I sit right next to them and also whisper.

Honestly, it made me more upset that my grandmother freaked out and we had to be so secretive about the whole thing than it would have to just openly be like "this guy is an asshole, this is what happened, fuck him." I know it's because she's upset about the whole thing, and I feel pretty bad that a couple years ago when he suddenly stopped sending me presents and kept sending them to my cousins I yelled at my grandmother and said something like "why won't you say anything to him?!?!" But they just learned as kids to play favorites. My grandmother does it and so does her brother (which is who I'm talking about). I think there's something called retroactive justice or something like that. Basically it's where the person's life is so shitty that that is why they act the way they do, and they are already getting justice for the shit they pull. That's his deal. Cause I don't see any way that living in the middle of AZ with just your dog can be a fulfilling life. WHO DO YOU TALK TO??? No wonder he is crazy. I guess I wouldn't be upset if a person with bipolar disorder was really happy and then got really down. That's just their disorder, and his is asshole disorder.

While listening to the song "The Phrase That Pays" by The Academy Is... I made a decision and a goal for this summer. Every day I will say to myself how can I make this a great day?

It seems simple enough, but it really entails a whole change of my state of mind. The lyrics that made me realize that I am not capitalizing on each day are: "I never tried to make the best of my time when I thought that I had plenty of it."

What a good point.

Instead of wishing I was somewhere else or doing something else, I might as well make the best of wherever I am and whatever I'm doing.

This will probably be pretty hard for me to do, but I hope to keep it up throughout the summer.