A post from 6/19 that I never published:

The title of this post is "Happy Father's Day".

Happy Father's Day, to my father who has never been there for me once in my life. Happy Father's Day to you, I'm sure your other kids, those stupid, unfortunate brats, got you a card, even though God knows you don't deserve one.

Yes that sounded bitter, but I am thankful more than bitter. I am thankful you have not been in my life, because from what I've seen you do (read: not do), I am far better off not knowing you. I can say with almost certainty that you wouldn't even know me if we crossed paths, because I look a lot different than I did when I was twelve. Your irresponsibility in so many aspects of life and your complete selfishness are things I am so happy to have seen from far away as opposed to up close.

This is it. My last night home before I move back to school. WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I spent a few hours at my new house tonight - I took over most of my clothes and miscelaneous other crap. I also spent two hours building my nice new desk. It is pretty sweet and I had a good time building it, but my back kinda hurts now. Tomorrow my mom and I have to run around to various places, including walmart to see if I can get a cheap air conditioner from there (my room is hot as balls, pardon the expression). I am excited about all my dishes and stuff that I have. Plus I have my dresser I'm not using in my room sitting in the hall, and I just put all my kitchen shit in there. I am gonna try to eat healthier this year, along with many other things I am going to do differently from last year.

I am gonna go to bed now, I gotta be up in 8 hours and I need my beauty rest ;-)

Also, I don't have internet at my house yet. I hope we get it soon, no pun intended.

Also, the people at gmail are funny. There's a server error and this is the message I get:

Gmail is temporarily unavailable. Cross your fingers and try again in a few minutes. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

I ran 4 miles today and did push ups and tricep things and bicep things. My stomach is sore from crunches last night :)

I'm moving more stuff to Penn tonight. Hopefully it won't rain on me.

:-D

Sometimes fortune cookies lie.

I know they shouldn't be believed, but sometimes you just get one that seems so right. Someone I knew got one like that about a year ago. I guess it wasn't completely a lie, but it should have warned us about the aftermath. It was a deceptive fortune cookie, and from now on I won't trust what they say.

Unless I get another that says "you will have new clothes." That one was right.

I just did crunches and arm exercises. At one in the morning. What am I doing?

I haven't worked out for about a week b/c I had a four day backache and then went to DC. I was gonna run today but then got a really bad headache around 5 that didn't go away til around midnight.

Today my bed (aka my grandparents' old bed) got moved to school, and I set it up in a way that makes the room look bigger than it did the way the last tenant had it. I went through a decent amount of stuff and put some stuff away in temporary spots until I get completely moved in. I am pretty excited - the room is gonna look good however I set it up. I have pink sheets and a navy-on-one-side, light-blue-on-the-other comforter, plus a purple down comforter that I'll use in the winter. And I have nice white dressers and I am getting a white book case and I have stuff to put up on my walls and a cool desk to build and I am excited about all of it.

As I've said before, I'm excited to go back and start my life over. I've come to a lot of conclusions about what I want from life, friends, boys, and myself this summer and I'm excited to start using my newly gained knowledge to make my life better.

I am putting off going to bed so badly & I don't know why. I am just so excited to go back. I want to take piano lessons, and am considering getting a job, even though I don't want the extra responsibility, because I am gonna need cash.

Mostly everything else I would say here is pretty boring to anyone but myself, so I'll just end here.

My horroscope for today (from excite.com):

You're not one to simply rest on your laurels, no matter how comfortable it might be. That's especially true on a day like this one, when you're receiving all the messages the universe is sending and correctly interpreting every single one. The stars are telling you to create, produce, attempt and, above all, dare. Go above and beyond what you think is possible, and you might just see it become probable.

Yeah, I have been pretty on point today. And Friday night I had a dream that I took as a sign, and it makes me feel better about how things are. If they are meant to be a certain way, they will be that way.

Got back from DC at 11:30. What a great weekend. Got to see Zach and Josh's place plus party w/ law school peolpe. Plus Dusty and Joe are not human (more Dusty than Joe). So much fun.

GOING TO DC SOON!!!! :-D !!!!!!!!!

Also, Mr. Nice returns.

Dinner w/ Meghan, Sam, Tom, Meghan's friend from school, Frankie, Adrian and Sarah tonight. It was really fun. Then Coldstone. Very good, but very filling/I feel really fat. Then Pringles. It was a great dose of friends today. Plus I talked to Rachel for an hour, and she'll be back here this weekend, so hopefully I'll see her next week before I go back.

Also, DC THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it works out. My mom wasn't very happy cause I'm sleeping at Penn Thursday night and then going to DC Friday, and all this amidst trying to move back to school. BUT there are not gonna be many chances for me to go and plus Joe and Tully are going and it should be really fun (I hope I can get into wherever we go...). I am so excited!!!

So the move back to school has been pushed back, since I realized no one is going to be there, and I don't want to be stuck in a hot house without internet for too long. I'll probably go back Sunday or Monday now, which is fine because it gives me more time to get my shit together.

Today my mom and I ran around to a shoe place, the supermarket, the laundromat, the dollar store, the bagel store, and I can't remember where else. Not particularly exciting, but I did get some fun stuff from the dollar store.

I just have to say that all the 16 - 18 year olds running around in scantily clad clothing and tons of makeup look so young to me. They just look like little babies trying to act like adults. It's creepy.

Family members are easier to get along with when you don't live with them.

Exhibit A: My grandparents. I love visiting them now. They are always so happy to see me and my grandmother is so cute! When I lived with them they drove me crazy. Now, when they do something crazy, my mom and I will shoot each other looks but know that we can leave, so it's bearable.

Exhibit B: My mom. When I am away at school I talk to her 10 times a day by phone, and sometimes on AIM also. We have a really close relationship, and only fight occasionally. When I am at home (aka this summer) we fight more often than not, and everything she does (esp. this summer, maybe it wasn't as bad last summer, or I just don't remember), including talking, singing, etc. drives me up the wall to the point where I want to run away screaming.

She's not driving me nuts now, but I'm sure we'll fight today. At least I know I'll be leaving soon.

Ahhh.

I got up this morning in a foul mood, because after getting up to go to the bathroom, I tried to fall back asleep but was instead plagued by thoughts of how small my room is going to be at school. I want a full bed, but I don't see how it's possible to fit that plus a dresser and a half, a desk, and a chair. This sucks. I wish I had gotten to live in Stacey's house sophomore year. I am pissed I'm gonna have to move every fucking year of college.

Yesterday was my last day of work, aside from Sept 1st and 2nd when I go in for 5 hours both days to sit at the phones, aka get paid to do nothing.

I sometimes really don't feel like blogging. Today is one of those days.

Musings from my train ride home

One more day of work. I can't wait to go back to school.

Listening to Ours - Dizzy. Good song, slow & mellow & so appropriate for Joey on Dawson's Creek to look out of a window on a rainy day, pondering the meaning of her relationship with Dawson (this is probably an outdated metaphor at this point, but I don't care).

***

I figured out what I want. Part of it involves my "Greatest Theory in the Whole World" that I devised in Newport. I want to not hook up with people I don't know, and I don't want to hook up with someone because I'm lonely or because I'm not fully mentally capable of making good decisions, for whatever reason.

I also want romance. I want that knight in shining armor to whisk me off my feet and treat me like a lady.

***

Whenever I'm on the train and another train passes by, I always look to see if any of the people in the other train are looking back. They never are. I wonder if I am the only person who does this. I just think it would be cool to lock eyes for a second with a person I will most likely never see again. It would be an interesting connection.

Connections are cool. I realize what a lame and non-descript sentence that was, but how can I explain it? One of my favorites, which I haven't experienced since high school, is when you look into the eyes of another person on stage as both of you are immersed in being someone else. Some people are always immersed in being someone else. Ok, this makes no sense.

I do believe that eyes are the windows to the soul. They are so expressive.

***

I like knowing people. I don't mean just "knowing" people, as in having lots of acquaintences. I mean knowing someone. I mean being able to tell what they are thinking without them saying a word, or knowing what they'd do in a given situation. I love the familiarity of some people - the way I know how they'll respond to a joke, and that I can tell how funny something is to t hem by whether or not they rub their hands together.

That's what I want more of.

Apparently I met Johnny Damon while I was in Newport, but I had no idea who he was!! Story may follow, but it's not really that interesting.

Apparently I met Johnny Damon while I was in Newport, but I had no idea who he was!! Story may follow, but it's not really that interesting.

Sometimes I t hink that when it's raining it means that God is crying with me. But I am not crying. I just had two awesome days, and nothing will change that, so for that I am smiling. I think this rain doesn't revolve around me (this time!). Whoever out there thinks this rain is for them, I hope their day gets sunnier, even if it's only metaphorically.

---

My mom told me about a Dr. Phil show in which Dr. Phil said to a man that if every time his wife interacted with him she felt better (about herself), then he would have a happy marriage.

I pretty much always leave him feeling better about myself after interacting with him. When he tells me I'm beautiful...I actually believe him, or, if I don't feel particularly beautiful, I believe he is being genuine.

I want someone that always makes me feel like that.

I can't spend time kicking myself for things that happened last year. I just have to accept that I did pretty much everything wrong and move on to doing things right.

Maybe it will be easier for me without him there. It just doesn't feel like it...

Furthermore, I decided why I'm mad at him. It's for a totally invalid reason. I mean, not totally, based on my circumstances in life, but really not a reason to be mad at him.

I feel like he abandoned me by going away, and now he's just off doing his own thing...now I know what it's like to be left behind. I don't even want to talk to him, and that's dumb.

I don't really understand the saying about somebody "waking up on the wrong side of the bed." Which side is it? Left or right? Whatever side it is, that is the side I got off this morning. I was left with a risidual crabby mood from last night, and carried it with me all the way to work today. When I got to work I was exhausted, partly from my runs the past two nights, partly from getting about 6 hours of sleep for the past 3 or 4 days, and partly from being angry. I quickly remedied it with my first of two cups of coffee (I don't drink coffee), and my mood improved somewhat, as I can't really walk around the office dragging my feet and sulking. I wasn't my usual peppy self, greeting people I passed with a less than half-assed smile, or just completely avoiding eye contact all together.

I cheered myself up at lunch by (this is so dumb) going to Douglas and putting makeup on. My mom got on my case last night about how much money I spend on makeup, so I figured maybe I can just go to Douglas every day and put on the really nice makeup for free. I bet they'd catch on sooner or later, though. I got back and wasted almost an hour on craigslist, etc. etc.

My foul mood came back on my way home, and I can't really explain why. All I can say is if you had tried to talk to me, I would have punched you in the face. I got on the train and turned the volume up on my ipod to drown out all the other idiots on the train. As I was sitting under my raining cloud, some woman came to my seat and wanted to sit down. I started to move over, and she said "I'd like to sit in the middle" (she knew the guy I was sitting next to, apparently). With a huge roll of my eyes and an "ok" full of more attitude than that bitchy woman from the Donald Trump reality show I got up and she sat in the middle. I sat there fuming about how she dind't ask politely enough, wanting to smack her.

I got off the train, took a couple deep breaths, and asked the powers that be to just let me not talk much to my mom, and to not show any facial expression. Somehow, thankfully, the powers that be listened, and I was, for the most part, cured of my bad mood (thank you for that).

But I still want out. I can't wait to go back to school. I'm getting my credit card bills mailed to me at school from now on. I'm not bothering my mom about money and I'm not owing her shit. Fuck that.

I started writing this yesterday, before I got a phone call. Then I stopped:

A lot of times when I get in the mood to write a good, long, deep post it seems more like a chore to me than anything else. I want it to be so good that I almost paralyze myself, in a way. I put it off, because...well I don't fully understand why. It's the same with work, sort of. I mean school work. Part of it is simply that I dread doing it, for whatever reason.

(That's it)
........

As I was saying...
School work really isn't as bad as I always anticipate it to be. I just put it off so long, and the longer I put it off the worse it actually gets. Blogging never actually gets worse, it just gets harder and harder to catch up with all the things I've been meaning to blog, so I just don't do it at all.

I've been doing my fair share recently, though.

---

I ran 3 miles again tonight, and I am about to go do crunches. The run was less vigorous than last night's, prob cause my body was a little tired. I also started two loads of laundry. Only 3 more to go.

Speaking of countdowns, which I admittedly used to DESPISE, here are some that make me quite happy:

7 more days of work,

Two and a half weeks until I move back to school and out of this madhouse,

22 days until OTB starts up again, and

Two days until I find out whether I got the internship I applied for.

I had an interview today for the internship with two of the people from there. The guy, Mark, knew of OTB and had heard us on Y100 and said we're "fucking awesome." If nothing else, that's pretty awesome. I mean, these are the people who are involved in the Grammys.

Oh, plus this:

i Hope 216: the group is gonna be soo different this year
gigantorwong: i know..
gigantorwong: in fact almost everyone is pretty laid back now
gigantorwong: sorta.. actually nvm
i Hope 216: HAAAAAAAA
gigantorwong: i was like imagining people.. and was like.. oh yeah.

Oh OTB. I miss you. I miss school. I miss...I dunno, some more stuff I'm sure.

Also, I've recently decided that I'm no longer a "dude" (aka just one of the guys). I am one of those girls who is fine just hanging with dudes, but I am still a girl. Yep.

Date: Wednesday, August 10, 2005
From: Beetlebum
To: The Powers That Be
Subject: Please. Give me break.

---

Dear Powers That Be,

I implore you to please give me a break. I beg either one of the following:

Option A. Please make this the last time I ever live at home alone with my mom. Ever. Please. We are at each others' throats almost constantly. We have a better over-the-phone relationship than an in person relationship. I never want to live at home with her again, and I mean that. I simply cannot take her anymore, nor can she take me. I can't stand her lectures that last all night. Every time she comes up with a point that she wants to make, she'll come back from her two minute break and tell her point to me....for half an hour. She is simply driving me crazy and that's all there is to it. So please, I beg of you, let this be the last summer I have to live here and deal with this, or I may do something crazy.

If Option A does not suit you, please consider Option B:

Option B. Please let this madness stop. Let both of us just get along. Let her idiosyncrasies stop getting on my nerves, and let her stop being so harsh on me. Please make her stop telling me that I'm a bitch to her, and basically that I'm just a bad person. Please please make it stop. I cannot take it anymore.

If neither of these suit you, then at a very minimum I ask you to give me the ability to just stop talking to her for the most part. I don't mean give her the silent treatment, but to stop telling her anything remotely important or anything that could even potentially spark another one of these arguments. They just get worse and more frustrating each time we have them, which is almost daily at this point. Please give me the patience to handle the next two and a half weeks here. I just need to be able to bite my tongue, not make any facial expressions, and instead of listening to what she says, pretend it's one of the adults on Charlie Brown, where they just go "wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah" instead of saying real words. That ought to do it.

So, in conclusion, as Larry says "Please. Give me break."

Thanks for your time,

Beetlebum

I just ran 3 miles and then walked some. And I did arm exercises, and at some point I'll do crunches.

The sky was doing such pretty things on my train ride home today, and everything was so bright even though it was cloudy. I wasn't even upset when it rained this morning. It's just Philly, that's what it does. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you get over it and see the beauty in the rain.

Back from Newport. Will blog more later (why am I up right now? I have to get up in less than 6 hours). At this point I don't even care how late I am up, I have less than two weeks of work left. 9 days, to be exact. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE DONE!!!

Things from Newport:

~ Mental clarity at its best
~ Beach = sunny every day (as per my prediction - every day I'd "predict" sun, and it worked!) except the last day when it was only partly sunny
~ Fought w/ mom, got along about 40 - 50% of the time (?)
~ etc.

Ok, bed.