Spanish class = hell. I ranted about it on the community blog, so no more for here.

I started working on my autobiography during Spanish, when we sat there & everyone talked about meaningless drivel. It's about my friends & friendships, although I'm not sure I want to get into that, especially if I need someone to read it and write an introduction. But it might feel good to just write it. I think what I'm gonna do is just write about whatever strikes my fancy and see what works and what doesn't, because I've hit a serious roadblock in what to write about.

I have no reason to be online right now. None at all. And yet, here I am. It's funny that even my friends don't IM me...yet...do I care?

Huh. There's a dance on Saturday. Hmm.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm secretly hated, if there isn't some giant conspiracy...

And to that, I say "wow." Just "wow." I'll probably have no idea what this post means in two months when I read it again.

I wasn't trying to do that, that wasn't my intention, and I don't know what to do now! WAHHH!!!!! AH!

"I've touched things waay nastier than you." - Jamie

Yesterday my mom and I went shopping. Prom dress shopping, an experience I thought would be completely horrid. But it wasn't! It was actually really fun, and I felt like a princess getting to try on all these beautiful gowns, most of which fit me well or were too big (except one, which wouldn't zipper, but when my cousin told me the size...I wouldn't have expected it to). So, I have three prom dresses now, two of which have to be returned, and one which I'm keeping. It's beautiful, and I will describe it later cause I have to go eat and finish unpacking. I also now have a really cute strapless ankle-length white dress for graduation!! And shoes that go with it, which my mom and I are going to get today. I just need shoes for my prom dress. ::Sigh:: it's so pretty.

Of course this is all bittersweet. I want to get dressed up and all in my beautiful dresses, but both prom and graduation mark times I don't want to reach. I can't leave yet, I'm not done here.

Last night was like a nightmare that I can't grasp; not something real. You were the good part of the dream, in yellow and white and a smile that saved it.

I can't believe you'd post something so personal. But it's not like you're trying to hide it; you're so immodest. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am nonetheless shocked and horrified every time.

I'm back from Disney World. We got back about an hour ago. There is one reason and one reason alone that I want to be back. A person, actually. And they're not back yet. :(

It was sunny, beautiful, it did rain a little but it was still great. I tanned. We went to the pool, the kingdoms, Pleasure Island, and Typhoon Lagoon. ::Sigh:: I don't want to be here.

I was talking to Jamie, and he said "it's spring break!"

YEAH! IT IS!! I completely forgot...didn't realize it until he said that. Whew.

Wahh. But remember, you did make that choice.

Packing is like the filtration lab we did in chem. The clothes I want to bring have to be reevaluated at least three times before they make it into the final round (a.k.a. the suitcase).

Reality: We don't live in a utopia. Sad, but true. They tried utopia a couple times, and it never worked.

Now I'm sitting, waiting for James, in the tech lab. I don't know where he is, but my stomach let out a mad grumble about half an hour ago, signaling my hunger. I WANT FOOD!!

It's cool when someone's saying something mean/rude/obnoxious about you and you hear them. And you're pretty sure they're only sorry cause you heard them.

So I'm not obsessing over the idea, just thinking about it. How many hundreds of times do you have to turn the same idea over in your head before you make a decision? Apparently at least ten thousand. (How many _____s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?...). But I'd like to clarify that I'm not freaking out. Not nearly as much as I was, at least. No, not too much.

Still gotta post about last weekend. I'm putting off writing my chapter for autobiography. It's pretty bad. I want to hang out with Jamie tomorrow, and Wednesday, and Thursday. How am I gonna pull this off?

"Not to be not modest, but I'm so much better than their basist." - Jamie

Why is everyone so eager to wish the time away? I, for one, am not, and am perfectly happy in this time and present, and don't wish the time to go anywhere. In fact, I was driving with my mom today and I felt around on the dashboard and said "Where is it?" She asked "what?" and I said "The pause button."

But alas, my mom's car did not come equipped with one. I guess that came with the more expensive model.

My biggest problem lately?

Time.

I didn't blog on my birthday!? Ahh well, I was a busy busy...ADULT. I was going to say "kid," but that would be a lie. Maybe I'll recap later, as I don't feel like writing it all out now. Highlights include ending the day/night with James, the birthday boy. I went to the track meet today, and Jamie came in first in the 400. ::Very proud:: Every time someone says "you never know how things'll work out," I make a face, and they end up being completely right. This was just another one of those times.

Another highlight was walking over to my locker to see it DECORATED WITH WRAPPING PAPER AND A BOW!! It made me feel so...important and special, like someone actually wanted to take the time to make me happy! It was so awesome (Rachel did it). It put a huge smile on my face. :-D See?

Yet another highlight was when people would hear that Jamie and I have the same birthday. "REALLY?!?" they'd ask. "Yep," I'd tell them, and then they'd either say that was soooooooo strange, or that we're soulmates, or something equally amusing. Personally, I think it's awesome.

There's more, but I'll blog it later. I wish haloscan was working.

I hate being talked to like I'm five, by my peers especially, and EVEN MORESO by someone YOUNGER than me. I will not tolerate it.

So I called my cousin about her prom dress. She seemed so unenthused to be talking to me, said she didn't know where it was, but that she'd check. Man, I really don't want to go prom dress shopping. All it will do is make me feel really bad about myself, and be very time consuming.

Rachel and I had a date today. She was driving me home, when she said "hey, do you want to come over to my house before play practice?" So I called my mom, she said it was ok, and we went. It was great - we talked, finally, because we haven't been talking much at all recently. We talked the entire way there about our lives & conflicts that have been going on. We watched Trading Spaces when we got there, and ate some rice cakes and cheese and strawberries (not all together, of course!). Then we did some homework, followed by popcorn chicken w/ honey mustard, toast with peanut butter, and bananas. It was quite good. Then we stopped at my house so I could grab my Matrix boots, character shoes, and put on a pair of jeans, and then to play practice. It was really nice, and it felt so good to be able to talk to her.

This morning I completely deviated from my normal breakfast and had eggsalad on a piece of rye bread. It was quite good, and I may do the same tomorrow!

My grandparents are taking a vacation and I get to use their car!! WOO HOOOO!!

I had fun at set crew today. My mom wrote me a note excusing me from the "war assembly" and I went to set crew and painted instead.

I'm pissed because my negatives didn't come out very well. Most of them are too light, because my light meter's being a total bitch lately. That, and I think I'm probably just being an idiot. I did take a cool one of a tree, and another one of a row of trees, and they look good. But I had a bunch of Jamie shaving that didn't come out at all (I should have had it on 500 or 1000, probably), and the other ones of him (including him just sitting, and him playing bass) came out pretty light. :( An especially big disappointment because my roll before that was really good.

Ain't it fun when you feel like people just don't care? When you think either they don't even give 0.00000000001 of a shit about you, or that they are just so self absorbed that they don't realize when they're really hurting you. I know I love it.

Tomorrow and on my birthday, I'm going to try to focus on what I have, instead of what I don't have. Because something in my life will always be awry.

Life is good. Love is a constant. Events meet your expectations so smoothly that it's as though you're getting something for nothing. There's a sense of deja vu about these moments of ecstasy. The wonderful mystery of it all is familiar. Either this is your natural state, or it's one in which you'd be happy as a permanent resident. Romance and creativity are strong possibilities, if that's where your interests and talents lie. You know when to follow your instincts even if you don't have a clue about what they'll get you. More of the same would be just fine.

Mostly true.

Por supuesto, no me invitieron. Me queda separada del grupo. No hablo con mis amigos, y los no hablan conmigo. Para prom, no voy a estar con unos de mis amigos, as per usual. Y no pienso que esto sea sobre mi novio. Y, sabes...dudo que vaya a ser amigos con muchos personas que fueron mis amigos cuando voy al college. Hable con Gabe ayer, y quiso que yo diga "hola" a unas personas, pero a los, no he hablado. CUALQUIERE. Pero NO quiero ir a una noche sola con chicas. Quiero estar con mi novio, y tenia un plan, y ahora temo que no va a work out. HOW AWESOME. Yo se que no debo separarme de todos, pero esto ocurriria anyway.

I was riding the train y estaba mirando a los arboles, cuando el sol started shining en mis ojos.

I've got a birthday coming up on Friday.

I curbed my junkfood intake today. Not enough, though. I'll do better tomorrow.

Tuve un gran breakdown hoy. Llore mas de los otros, y no se por que. Pues, Tom me comforto (yes, I just made that verb up, think comfortar).

But I did get to hang out after school w/ James. I went down to SS thinking I could work in the photo room, b/c I had stupidly left my most recently developed negatives up at CHA when we had photo today, and I have negatives of mine and Jamie's to develop. But the photo room was locked. Jamie came down at four, and we hung out till five, and it was nice.

My patience with everything has been nonexistant the past couple days, and I've taken to throwing things, like my ring.

I always wanted to take ceramics so I could make pots and bowls and dishes to break when I was angry.

Maybe I'm being a hypocrite, or maybe it's just that things change.

* * * * *

I try not to do the things other people do that annoy me. I hope I succeed.

* * * * *

The connection between me and wisdom? Well...I don't know. I try to give sensible advice, and I try to prevent people from making mistakes I've made, or give them advice based on things I've observed or things I know. I try not to be a know-it-all, though, cause those are the worst kind.

* * * * *

I thought I was going to be a part of that, but I guess not. It's cool, though, I don't have time anyway.

* * * * *

I don't know how Mrs. Hill thinks that along with reading over 20 pages a night (I'm a horribly slow reader) we're also going to work on our autobiography chapters. Yeah right. I'm planning on handing mine in on Monday.

* * * * *

It sounds so corny to say it this way, but everything really is a learning experience. The hope is to not make the same mistake twice, because that shows you didn't learn anything from the first time. It's hard to take advice from people regarding mistakes they've made and heed their warnings. Sometimes people have to make the same mistake anyway, so they can learn from it firsthand.

* * * * *

I wish someone would throw me a surprise birthday party. It would be nice to feel that cared about.

* * * * *

Why am I so jealous? I view people as competition that shouldn't be viewed that way, including my friends. Or I view them as totally indifferent to me & anything related to me. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. I wish I could selectively read people's minds.

* * * * *

Just because I don't say something all the time...I show it. I think. And with other things...some people...I wonder if they choose to ignore the "showing" and wait for the "telling." But there are pretty obvious signals. But that's about another time, not now.

* * * * *

"Fluoride" is spelled with the "u" before the "o". Something to keep in mind in case anyone holds a gun to your head and demands that you correctly spell the ninth element in the periodic table.

* * * * *

I haven't done one of these puppies since a while ago. June or July, I believe. Sometimes it's interesting to reminisce. I don't think that's the right word...that means it's all fond memories. To think back, to realize the changes. But I don't want to think about the changes to come. I don't. Please pause it, make them go away. The looming future and graduation and senior projects and leaving. Yeah, Kaari said it. I have a tie, and it makes me not want to leave. Tonight at dinner my grandmother said "hey, why don't you flunk out of all your courses and stay in school another year?" A very tempting idea. Very tempting indeed.

* * * * *

Last night my mom and I were watching Tarzan (it was on TV). At the very beginning, Tarzan is a little baby. While watching this, my mom said "What happened to my little baby? [and something like] Why are you going off to college?" She was fake crying at first, I think, but then she started genuinely getting upset. "Don't...you'll make me cry," I told her. Which I did. It was an intensely emotional moment. We gathered our composure, w/in a minute. But it's sad. And I don't want to have to pack up my entire life, move, then pack up 1/3 or 1/4 of my life and move somewhere else. It's a double move I'm so not ready for.

* * * * *

Jamie didn't email me. I win a prize.

* * * * *

And now, with all these random thoughts skittering around in my head, I have to get off. I should've studied for physio, but I have a free right before it and will study then. I hope. I better. I'm gonna go read for english, and hopefully brush my teeth and dry my hair before I fall asleep.

* * * * *

You can't possibly understand how I feel. Only one other person does. Existentialism? No way.

* * * * *

I hope I don't become old and bitter and out of shape and lose my hearing and my vision and my sanity. And I hope my heart doesn't become enlarged so that I have to decide whether I want to have the Batista operation performed on me. I don't know if I'd do it.

* * * * *

We are all the same in that we seek love. Appreciation. Love. Friendship. Love. We are different in how we go about it. Love changes a lot - both the presence of it and the lack thereof. It can make people bitter and jealous and horrible to be around, or it can give everything a sunny hue, make everything sing, make new and old experiences seem like the most thrilling things ever.

Four months today.

1) My, how the time flies.
2) It seems so much longer than just four months.
3) Every second of it has been incredible.
4) You are incredible.
5) You are not a substitute, you are not second best. YOU ARE FIRST BEST.
6) You know what else.

I don't want to count the days away. I need these days. For you especially.

If by "cute" you mean "vomitously disgusting," then I completely agree.

FUCK.

I feel so disconnected.

This can't be all my fault.

Wow. It's really upsetting me. And part of me figures this would happen anyway. Maybe it's been escalated, but...it ALWAYS FUCKINHG HAPPENS ANYWAY. Sometimes I'm ready for college. Sometimes I'm ready for all new friends. Except I want to bring a pet. A large one, with a name, and...

You're a big fan of passive entertainment. Before you sleep tonight, you'll probably take in a movie, a sporting event, a few hours of TV or computer time or maybe all of the above. The world is a delightful parade from whatever vantage point you choose to watch it go by. But since when is life all about being a spectator? Once you start interacting with others, your experience will be richer than ever. You're here to feast your heart as well as your eyes. The love you feel in this community is worth anything it takes you to participate.

Yeah. Took in a movie. But I do prefer active entertainment. Most definitely. Interacting is where it's at. Feast heart? Yeah.

Yesterday was 8 minutes ago, according to my computer's clock. I must rate it.

Took the train: -
Free second period but couldn't concentrate: +/- = 0
Photo third period: +++
Negatives came out very well: ++
Watched a movie in physio: +
Went to see penguins instead of having spanish class: +
Gyno came to talk to us during guidance: --/+ = -
Scared me, made me think about scary things: ----
Cried: --
Chem test: ---
Distracted: -
Cried: -
Made insanely quick last minute arrangements for tonight: +
This afternoon/tonight: + * 10^{1000000000000}

So, yesterday was a great day.

In real sentences, I went to Jamie's house right after school (his grandmother that I hadn't met drove us. She's really nice), after stopping at CVS for a few minutes. We hung out, I took half a roll of pictures (throughout the whole time...if they come out they'll be awesome), went to dinner w/ his parents & his bro, rented Signs, & went back to his house & watched it. His dad drove me home (Jamie came, of course) and I was home by 11:20 (my mom had said no later than 11:30).

That doesn't sound like the most amazing time I've ever had, but it was.

If I ever had kids, I would put their names on the tags of their clothing.

Detached too. I didn't realize how detached. But I think that's something that was happening anyway, and I've always noticed it, but somehow it was more obvious today. And it really bothered me. But I've got a best friend, the thought of whom saves me at times like that.

I had a horrible headache, so I got home and took a nap from 5 -7:30. Ate dinner, phone, and at 9 laid down in my bed, did to years of net ionics, and then just laid there with my eyes closed, too tired to do anything, but keeping myself awake so I could shower and then study for chem (which I should be doing now).

I wanna go back to bed right now.

I never really realized how absorbed you can get. I should say "one," because there is no "you," plural or otherwise.

I really hope no one looks at me and thinks I am a wedge [of moldy cheese]. Although I think they might, and I feel bad.

I gave my mom most of my candy stash.

No. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't be able to just have a salad or yogurt and an apple for lunch. I'd die. Seriously. I would go into some kind of food-deprived shock. Although I bet I'd lose weight. But I likes my foods!!

I'm on high honor roll!!!

Bad news: My cousin's back in the hospital. All my grandmother told me is that it's something about her liver.

I.Am.Reallycranky.

It's a little fun thing we call PMS.

I tried not to complain yesterday or today, because there are times when, if I start complaining, I won't stop. BUT, this being MY BLOG and all, I feel I have all the right in the world to bitch to my heart's content. Don't want to hear it? Don't read!

First period I had free. Wait...I'll have to rewind to...this weekend? Yeah. I had a physio workbook chapter and a chem lab report due Monday. I did neither. Yesterday I came home and talked on the phone a little, then worked out (FINALLY). I couldn't go as fast on the treadmill cause I hadn't worked out in weeks, and I only did some weights, and crunches. Yet...I felt fatter when I got home and saw the flubbyness of my stomach. I feel like...you know how over a time period you can look at people and notice that they've packed on a few pounds? Well...I feel that that's me. And I hate having to point out that I'm not fishing for compliments, it's just how I feel. So. After working out I ate dinner, talked on the phone, did physio, showered, talked on the phone. Dried my hair, laid down in my bed, fell asleep around 10:30. I had turned the computer on with the intention of doing my lab report. I remember my mom coming in my room and saying "are you gonna wake up at three and turn the computer off?" I assured her that that would not be the case. Haha. Ok, so I woke up and turned it off at 2:45. When I woke up, I brushed my teeth & did a little physio work, then went back to bed. Oh yeah, I also had to read another chapter in my english book.

So during my free first period, I typed up most of my lab report. On Microsoft Word. A very crappy crappy horrible awful program. Because when you want to make something superscript or subscript, you have to go back to the format...font...menu. Every time. AND to make matters worse, I needed the letter "i" in lower case. M.W. just would not allow it. I spent 10 minutes trying to un-auto capitalize it. Fucking piece of shit.

Our physio teacher wasn't in school, at least, but we worked on the lab.

Chambers next. Mr. D is still...not so high on my list, but Kate, and Meg and I are singing the "chu me" solo trio.

Next was hell...I mean...double english. Of course the day I didn't read is the day we have a pop quiz on the chapter. Obviously. I got really pissed and almost started to cry during the quiz. Fuck, I really don't think I like that class.

She let us out a whopping five minutes early, and Jamie was waiting for me. Ahhh he's so great. He puts me in a better frame of mind. Lunch was fine. It was me at a table with boys, which I can never complain about. My attempts to not have dessert always fail. Bah.

Spanish isn't worth writing about.

Chem is. Chem...is the bane of my existance. I think I may die a few years earlier because of chem. Because it's very stressful, and stress kills you early. The chapter we have to read is 11 sections long, and I haven't started reading. I'm not sure if I plan on starting. No, that's wrong. I plan on starting, but don't know that I actually will. I have to do some laundry, cause I haven't done any in about three weeks.

And my grandfather is rude. He words things in the rudest way possible.

Last was math. A graded item. BUT! Becky told me what she and other people got, and it's what I got!! I hope I did well.

I got home and had to take out the trash. A quite stinky job. Someone else should do it. Or I'd do it for money! Yeah....this is a reallll boring post. Tew bayd!

Went to Jamie's uncle's surprise 50th birthday party last night. It was quite fun, and his family's really cool. His grandmother is so cute and spunky!

She's right. You have to treat people who you know care about you carefully. It's not the way most people see it: that you should do unto others as you want them to do unto you, or that you should treat those you care about carefully. You need to handle with care those who care about you.

< white kid gloves >

Intense talks with my mom last night and tonight. We really haven't had such intense talks since I can't remember when. Is it that I choose to not see things, or I don't see them because I'm protected from them.

Maybe a little of column A, little of column B.

I had a really great time last night. I wanted to go to the P's, but it ended up being great anyway. Jamie came to dinner w/ my family and me to the club, and then we just came back to my house.