Sunday, February 29, 2004
Saturday, February 28, 2004
She agrees that things sound better in third person. Not to copy, but...
There was a time when she wouldn't have minded sitting here, alone. She would've enjoyed the solitude, the time to reflect and think about everything, every subject, from broad to narrow. Friends, family, the weather, anything and everything. Maybe she'd have a creative spurt and write something deep, meaningful. Profound and all-encompassing.
That time has passed. She no longer savors her alone time. She savors her people time. She love being around people, and would trade being alone for being surrounded by friends any moment of any day. She's what you might call a pleasure-seeker. She craves the action, never wants to miss out on the fun. She wants to play it cool, always wants a cause to smile, never one to frown. She knows that she's not original in this desire, but it has bloomed within her in the past year.
It's possible that she's a completely different person now. It makes her think of metamorphoses. Who, exactly, are you? Are you your circumstances or are you your genes? Nature vs. nurture, the age-old question. They've done studies on twins to answer this question. And it's both.
Who do you become when you change? Is there a piece of you that always remains stable? What is that piece? And who are you if you lose your memory?
She's different people. She's one person by herself, another in groups, another with different friends. So is she just an amorphous chameleon?
She wonders what and who she would be, and where, at this very moment, if not for her very specific circumstances.
And this is why she doesn't like being alone. She always thinks in circles, these questions, followed by another: What is the point of these questions? Everyone asks them, no one has the answer. But the questions remain.
* * * * *
Wanted
Girl in her late teens, height about 5'5", hair color up for argument, recently found abusing the word "douchebag," calling guys "pussies," reviving the word "lame," and going to the gym incessantly to match her incessant eating.
If found
Please first ensure that you are not a pussy, nor a douchebag, as she may react unpleasantly. You may call her a "fatass" as she can take a joke, but know that she may secretly believe you. Or she may not. To win her favor, merely smother her in complements. Sincere only, please, for she's no dummy and can sniff out a liar. If, however, you are a psycho, it is highly unadvisable that you approach her in any manner, as she may be forced to get a restraining order or simply refrain from talking to you.
There was a time when she wouldn't have minded sitting here, alone. She would've enjoyed the solitude, the time to reflect and think about everything, every subject, from broad to narrow. Friends, family, the weather, anything and everything. Maybe she'd have a creative spurt and write something deep, meaningful. Profound and all-encompassing.
That time has passed. She no longer savors her alone time. She savors her people time. She love being around people, and would trade being alone for being surrounded by friends any moment of any day. She's what you might call a pleasure-seeker. She craves the action, never wants to miss out on the fun. She wants to play it cool, always wants a cause to smile, never one to frown. She knows that she's not original in this desire, but it has bloomed within her in the past year.
It's possible that she's a completely different person now. It makes her think of metamorphoses. Who, exactly, are you? Are you your circumstances or are you your genes? Nature vs. nurture, the age-old question. They've done studies on twins to answer this question. And it's both.
Who do you become when you change? Is there a piece of you that always remains stable? What is that piece? And who are you if you lose your memory?
She's different people. She's one person by herself, another in groups, another with different friends. So is she just an amorphous chameleon?
She wonders what and who she would be, and where, at this very moment, if not for her very specific circumstances.
And this is why she doesn't like being alone. She always thinks in circles, these questions, followed by another: What is the point of these questions? Everyone asks them, no one has the answer. But the questions remain.
Girl in her late teens, height about 5'5", hair color up for argument, recently found abusing the word "douchebag," calling guys "pussies," reviving the word "lame," and going to the gym incessantly to match her incessant eating.
If found
Please first ensure that you are not a pussy, nor a douchebag, as she may react unpleasantly. You may call her a "fatass" as she can take a joke, but know that she may secretly believe you. Or she may not. To win her favor, merely smother her in complements. Sincere only, please, for she's no dummy and can sniff out a liar. If, however, you are a psycho, it is highly unadvisable that you approach her in any manner, as she may be forced to get a restraining order or simply refrain from talking to you.
Friday, February 27, 2004
Seriously, what is going on with my life?
Just call me a drama queen. It's hard not to be when you have so many things to be dramatic about!!
All I wanna do right now is go out but nothing is going on!
On an awesome note, Seth is selling his 15 gig ipod for $150 and I'm probably gonna buy it!! WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just call me a drama queen. It's hard not to be when you have so many things to be dramatic about!!
All I wanna do right now is go out but nothing is going on!
On an awesome note, Seth is selling his 15 gig ipod for $150 and I'm probably gonna buy it!! WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Well...for the most part the honesty thing is coming along. Nicely or not, I don't know.
I had a funny/sad thought earlier. Guess it's funny or sad depending on how you look at it...
It's amazing that these two black lines made from a soft pencil labelled "kohl" or simply "black" contain my self esteem. What does that say? That with these two black lines I feel better about myself. Aren't I the same person with and without them? I know this in my head but my eyes deceive me.
No (mildly noticeable) pun intended.
I had a funny/sad thought earlier. Guess it's funny or sad depending on how you look at it...
It's amazing that these two black lines made from a soft pencil labelled "kohl" or simply "black" contain my self esteem. What does that say? That with these two black lines I feel better about myself. Aren't I the same person with and without them? I know this in my head but my eyes deceive me.
No (mildly noticeable) pun intended.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
So...since I never posted my New Years resolutions, here they are:
I was 1 resolution short (I wanted 18). But oh well.
- Be less selfish, more caring towards others, more giving
- Be more patient
- Lost 10 pounds by March by eating healthy and exercising
- Stop cracking my neck & knuckles
- Control my temper
- Get more sleep
- Be more diligent, esp. with homework
- Keep my room clean
- Lighten up
- Don't dwell on the negative or on things that shouldn't be considered
- Be more demanding of myself & less demanding of others, but always demand respect
- Try to do a good deed every day
- Learn something new every day
- Listen more
- Be honest whenever possible
- Try harder with everything
- Be secure
I was 1 resolution short (I wanted 18). But oh well.
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Monday, February 23, 2004
I occasionally take this test, and the results are different every time. These are the best so far, and I was totally honest.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Low |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Low |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
I love looking at pictures. I have all my favorite pictures here, including prom and pictures from all the plays I was in and random other ones...they make me so happy. And nostalgic. I definitely don't wish I was back in high school, but they were the good times, and that's how I love to remember them.
When I look at my prom pictures from last year...I feel like I look really good in them...and I feel like I don't look like that in real life. Plus I feel like I gained weight. Poo on a stick.
But I still love looking at them.
When I look at my prom pictures from last year...I feel like I look really good in them...and I feel like I don't look like that in real life. Plus I feel like I gained weight. Poo on a stick.
But I still love looking at them.
Sunday, February 22, 2004
I'm gonna try to go to the gym every day. Then I can do the EFX for like...35 min instead of 45 or 50, and I can alternate days I do weights, and do crunches every day.
Today I did the EFX for 36 min & did crunches.
Yesterday I went and did EFX (though I was struggling), and I did weights & crunches. My time to get diesel is running out.
Today I did the EFX for 36 min & did crunches.
Yesterday I went and did EFX (though I was struggling), and I did weights & crunches. My time to get diesel is running out.
Literally, this is stupid.
Like...really stupid.
But in other news...
I hung out with Stacey and her housemates and we talked about everything from drugs to sex to totally random shit. It was fun.
* * * * *
She said puzzle pieces...and I'm not a part of that, and I know it. But we're even. I think I'm bad at letting go...I think I'm bad at looking at things as they actually are, and not how they were.
Like...really stupid.
But in other news...
I hung out with Stacey and her housemates and we talked about everything from drugs to sex to totally random shit. It was fun.
She said puzzle pieces...and I'm not a part of that, and I know it. But we're even. I think I'm bad at letting go...I think I'm bad at looking at things as they actually are, and not how they were.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
But a the scenery grows
I see in different lights
The shades and shadows
Undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch
I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention
-Fiona
So...why did I quote that? Absolutely no reason at all. If you try to read into it, you'll find nothing. It's playing now, and it's a pretty song.
I need a job. I need some more money.
Yesterday I went to H&M with Stacey and her best friend from home - Erica. It was really fun. I bought a cute pinstripe skirt. We met up w/ Jake & he shopped with us for a little. Party at Stacey's last night...it was really fun.
I see in different lights
The shades and shadows
Undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch
I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still to proud to mention
-Fiona
So...why did I quote that? Absolutely no reason at all. If you try to read into it, you'll find nothing. It's playing now, and it's a pretty song.
I need a job. I need some more money.
Yesterday I went to H&M with Stacey and her best friend from home - Erica. It was really fun. I bought a cute pinstripe skirt. We met up w/ Jake & he shopped with us for a little. Party at Stacey's last night...it was really fun.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
I got an A on my last short writing assignment :) My teacher emailed me and asked if she could photocopy it and hand it out in class. She did so with mine and another person's. There was a debate about whether or not mine was written by a guy or a girl...it was so hard to keep a straight face.
Also, I gained back all but a pound of the weight I lost. I hate being a fucking fattie patatie.
I feel like........extremely hyper right now. Like I need to go run around or sing at the top of my lungs or play guitar or just....go out and party or something. I can't sit here and do homework.
Also, I gained back all but a pound of the weight I lost. I hate being a fucking fattie patatie.
I feel like........extremely hyper right now. Like I need to go run around or sing at the top of my lungs or play guitar or just....go out and party or something. I can't sit here and do homework.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
This is crazy. I'm trying to read over my notes from my legal studies class and I just got to the day where I was literally falling asleep in class cause I had pulled an all-nighter. My notes make no sense. I can't read what I wrote, and I never finished the sentences! What an ass.
Last night I was gonna be productive and read. But first I took a nap from 9 - 12. Woke up, tried to be productive. Fell asleep again, woke up, fell asleep, woke up around 4, got ready for bed, tried to read, gave up, went to bed. Tried to get up at 8:30. Got up around 9:30. FUUUUUCK.
Last night I was gonna be productive and read. But first I took a nap from 9 - 12. Woke up, tried to be productive. Fell asleep again, woke up, fell asleep, woke up around 4, got ready for bed, tried to read, gave up, went to bed. Tried to get up at 8:30. Got up around 9:30. FUUUUUCK.
See! Proof that people read my blog & I have no idea: Ryan. :-P Hey dude.
* * * * *
I just got up from a three hour nap. Now to read a million pages for my legal studies class. UGHHHHHHHH.
Mon night I did the EFX for 55 min. 5.5 miles, 700 calories. My best time ever. I did 100 regular crunches on the decline, plus 100 side crunches (per side). And AWESOME bicep curls....with 10 lbs cause I'm freaking deisel.
I just got up from a three hour nap. Now to read a million pages for my legal studies class. UGHHHHHHHH.
Mon night I did the EFX for 55 min. 5.5 miles, 700 calories. My best time ever. I did 100 regular crunches on the decline, plus 100 side crunches (per side). And AWESOME bicep curls....with 10 lbs cause I'm freaking deisel.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Sunday, February 15, 2004
I mean, I'm sure I'm an offender of this myself.
But it's funny. I just felt the need to blog this. I wonder if people realize who reads their blog. I don't, because I know some stuff I've written in here has been read by people I wouldn't have guessed even knew about my blog.
I have no bitter feelings. I'm not mad. Of course, I guess you could say I was the one who dicked you over. I think that really, some people aren't meant to be friends.
Do you believe in fate?
Do you think certain things were or weren't meant to be? I see things that I wholeheartedly believe should have never happened. Hindsight is perfect.
I'm not perfect. This isn't perfect, none of it is.
I'm considering singing Norah Jones - Don't Know Why or doing Ben Kweller - Lizzy for my audition tomorrow.
But it's funny. I just felt the need to blog this. I wonder if people realize who reads their blog. I don't, because I know some stuff I've written in here has been read by people I wouldn't have guessed even knew about my blog.
I have no bitter feelings. I'm not mad. Of course, I guess you could say I was the one who dicked you over. I think that really, some people aren't meant to be friends.
Do you believe in fate?
Do you think certain things were or weren't meant to be? I see things that I wholeheartedly believe should have never happened. Hindsight is perfect.
I'm not perfect. This isn't perfect, none of it is.
I'm considering singing Norah Jones - Don't Know Why or doing Ben Kweller - Lizzy for my audition tomorrow.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Monday, February 09, 2004
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Things. Yes, many things.
One of them being me, sitting here NOT doing my paper. I came up with a topic. Kind of. Maybe I can commit to it. I hope. I am such a freaking lazy slacker and I hate it.
I had a good weekend, though. I love my long weekends. I wish life would always be like that. Four days of real stuff, three days of play. I think if I work over the summer I'm gonna take Fridays off. In a way that sucks because I'll make 80 less a week, but it'll be worth it for my own personal sanity, and because it's the summer, and no one should get home at 7 on a Friday during the summer.
As of now I'm not really looking forward to the summer...I'm gonna miss college like crazy. I love the freedom, and I love the people here.
I've been sleeping really well recently, like 7+ hours a night since Tuesday night. Yeah well, that's gonna change tonight. :-/
I'm only half paying attention to what I'm writing, so I should probably go work on my paper.
All I have to say is that Chinese herbs and something called Sambucol got me over a potentially horrible cold in two days flat.
:-D
One of them being me, sitting here NOT doing my paper. I came up with a topic. Kind of. Maybe I can commit to it. I hope. I am such a freaking lazy slacker and I hate it.
I had a good weekend, though. I love my long weekends. I wish life would always be like that. Four days of real stuff, three days of play. I think if I work over the summer I'm gonna take Fridays off. In a way that sucks because I'll make 80 less a week, but it'll be worth it for my own personal sanity, and because it's the summer, and no one should get home at 7 on a Friday during the summer.
As of now I'm not really looking forward to the summer...I'm gonna miss college like crazy. I love the freedom, and I love the people here.
I've been sleeping really well recently, like 7+ hours a night since Tuesday night. Yeah well, that's gonna change tonight. :-/
I'm only half paying attention to what I'm writing, so I should probably go work on my paper.
All I have to say is that Chinese herbs and something called Sambucol got me over a potentially horrible cold in two days flat.
:-D
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
I was going to take a nap today.
Instead, I ate at Hillel. As I was walking over there was a fire truck in front of the building, and everyone was standing outside. The fire alarm had gone off. I was a bit hesitant, but after 2 min they let everyone in. Which gave me enough time to get my food, sit down and eat a little before it went off again. I just decided to take my food with me, and Eric and his bud David and I all went to Hamilton and ate in the lounge.
After that, Stacey and I went to this meeting about music therapy for terminally ill patients. There are two parts to it: the first is to go and play for them live, but this requires training and stuff, which I don't really want to go through. The second part involves recording music on a CD to play for the patients. I want to do this, but we have to audition with what we want to sing/play on the CD, and I have NO IDEA what I could do. I'd still like to do it, though.
After that, we went to the gym, where I did the EFX for 45 min, burned 570-some calories and went 4.23 miles. I'm pretty proud of that. I think I dislocated my shoulder (or somehow popped it out of the socket) this afternoon, so I didn't do weights. I did a bunch of crunches, though. I think I'll go weigh myself.
After that we went to CVS and fresh grocer. Very thrilling. There was some scary guy outside of fresh grocer who held the door open for us and said "help the homeless." I walked right past him, but Stacey said "sorry" and he kind of hostily made fun of her. When we left he was like....terrorizing people on the street (and by terrorizing I mean yelling at them and stuff), so we hauled it out of there.
Now I'm back, and it's midnight and I haven't started my homework yet. Ahh the life of a lazy-ass slacker. I technically have three hours of drawing homework, though I probably won't spend that much time on it. Plus I have to do an analysis de lectura for my spanish class. It's the last one before the exam which is THURSDAY. I didn't remember that until yesterday. :(
The best (and by best I mean worst) part of the day was this morning. I woke up around 10:20 (I went to bed a little after 4:30 I think). I had my alarm set for 11:20, so I went back to sleep. I woke up with my alarm, closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them it was 12:10. "Oh, ok," I thought. And then I did a double take, as I realized that MY LEGAL STUDIES CLASS STARTS AT 12 AND I HAVE A QUIZ TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! That's why I was up so late - I typed up my notes as a way to help me study. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I got up, and I can honestly say I've never gotten ready for anything faster in my life. I threw on some clothes, splashed water on my face, and walked as fast as I could to class (thank God it's at Huntsman). But my teacher seemed pretty pissed that I was late, and I got 15 min less than everyone else, so I didn't really get to say all I could've said. What a dumb fuck.
I still contend that two is an unlucky number (2/2, especially. 2/22 is even worse).
I never did get my nap.
Instead, I ate at Hillel. As I was walking over there was a fire truck in front of the building, and everyone was standing outside. The fire alarm had gone off. I was a bit hesitant, but after 2 min they let everyone in. Which gave me enough time to get my food, sit down and eat a little before it went off again. I just decided to take my food with me, and Eric and his bud David and I all went to Hamilton and ate in the lounge.
After that, Stacey and I went to this meeting about music therapy for terminally ill patients. There are two parts to it: the first is to go and play for them live, but this requires training and stuff, which I don't really want to go through. The second part involves recording music on a CD to play for the patients. I want to do this, but we have to audition with what we want to sing/play on the CD, and I have NO IDEA what I could do. I'd still like to do it, though.
After that, we went to the gym, where I did the EFX for 45 min, burned 570-some calories and went 4.23 miles. I'm pretty proud of that. I think I dislocated my shoulder (or somehow popped it out of the socket) this afternoon, so I didn't do weights. I did a bunch of crunches, though. I think I'll go weigh myself.
After that we went to CVS and fresh grocer. Very thrilling. There was some scary guy outside of fresh grocer who held the door open for us and said "help the homeless." I walked right past him, but Stacey said "sorry" and he kind of hostily made fun of her. When we left he was like....terrorizing people on the street (and by terrorizing I mean yelling at them and stuff), so we hauled it out of there.
Now I'm back, and it's midnight and I haven't started my homework yet. Ahh the life of a lazy-ass slacker. I technically have three hours of drawing homework, though I probably won't spend that much time on it. Plus I have to do an analysis de lectura for my spanish class. It's the last one before the exam which is THURSDAY. I didn't remember that until yesterday. :(
The best (and by best I mean worst) part of the day was this morning. I woke up around 10:20 (I went to bed a little after 4:30 I think). I had my alarm set for 11:20, so I went back to sleep. I woke up with my alarm, closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them it was 12:10. "Oh, ok," I thought. And then I did a double take, as I realized that MY LEGAL STUDIES CLASS STARTS AT 12 AND I HAVE A QUIZ TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! That's why I was up so late - I typed up my notes as a way to help me study. FUCK FUCK FUCK. I got up, and I can honestly say I've never gotten ready for anything faster in my life. I threw on some clothes, splashed water on my face, and walked as fast as I could to class (thank God it's at Huntsman). But my teacher seemed pretty pissed that I was late, and I got 15 min less than everyone else, so I didn't really get to say all I could've said. What a dumb fuck.
I still contend that two is an unlucky number (2/2, especially. 2/22 is even worse).
I never did get my nap.
Monday, February 02, 2004
It's so hard to write songs. Not that I've tried recently. But the one song I have that counts (has words and guitar) doesn't have a completed bridge, because everything I could ever think of for it was lame. Then there's Deb's Eyes Are Brown, which is clearly the shit, though very short. And I have another "song," which I put in quotes b/c is just me travis picking a bunch of different chords in a way that I decided was pretty. Does that count as a song?
I should start playing guitar again more often.
After I go to the gym 4 times a week. Haha. I have no excuse now that I've discovered the treadmill in the basement of my dorm.
I'll end this post with a sweeping generalization: People tend to write about the same thing a lot. I find that for creative writing assignments, I often write about my grandmother's car accident. I've noticed that other writers have a few things they focus on more than others. I don't think this is strange, but I'd like to branch out and step away from everything I've always done.
I'm on my way already, I think.
My metamorphosis class is making me more aware of the changes I'm going through (though lately they've been sort of blatant).
I should start playing guitar again more often.
After I go to the gym 4 times a week. Haha. I have no excuse now that I've discovered the treadmill in the basement of my dorm.
I'll end this post with a sweeping generalization: People tend to write about the same thing a lot. I find that for creative writing assignments, I often write about my grandmother's car accident. I've noticed that other writers have a few things they focus on more than others. I don't think this is strange, but I'd like to branch out and step away from everything I've always done.
I'm on my way already, I think.
My metamorphosis class is making me more aware of the changes I'm going through (though lately they've been sort of blatant).