congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything. You must be so proud
which happy bunny are you?
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This morning I woke up at 5:45. We sang on y100. It went pretty well, but now I'm gonna try to take a nap, even though I don't feel tired.

I really don't know how I'm gonna get everything done this week.

I hate when people make assumptions that are so fucking far off from the truth that you want to hit them. My grandmother does it, and other people have been doing it recently too. It really pisses me off. I'll be like "oh, I'm tired today," and they'll be like "I understand, it's because of [whatever]," and they'll be TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG. STOP GUESSING SHIT AND BEING WRONG!!!!!! I wish I could be more articulate about the subject, b/c I know I just came off sounding like the bigger ass. But I'm not, I swear.

I sang my first solo for the first time ever yesterday. It went alright. It was scary just because I didn't know what to do with myself, especially because there are a bunch of awkward pauses in between when I'm singing, so I wasn't sure what to do. I just moved around a lot so that it wouldn't be boring.

This coming week is hell week, and the show is Friday and Saturday. I can't believe it's so soon...where has this year gone? Flown by at turbo speed. I don't want to go home, back to reality. I want to stay here in this world of make-believe, where I decide what I do and when.

I didn't work out yesterday, and all I did today was weights and crunches. But I'm allowing myself this break so that I don't die for the show.

Sitting here, finishing a paper on a Friday night. And I don't care. I'm actually happy to HAVE THE TIME and the relative concentration to be able to be doing this right now. After I finish my paper and email it to my teacher I will go to the gym. No plans for when I get back, except to GO TO BED. I am most excited for that. Then I will get up at eleven tomorrow and go home, get a haircut, and drive back here so we can use my car to go to the first gig at which I will sing my first solo. Am I nervous? Probably not as much as I should be. I am just so excited. I hope I don't choke. I just need to perform the hell out of it and I'll be fine. Hopefully the same thing'll happen to me as what happened when I was in the plays in high school: I'd be nervous all the way until I stepped on stage, saw the audience, realized they're not that scary, and went on my merry way.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

* * * * *

I haven't been logging all the times I've been exercising. I've been going almost every day since we got back from spring break. I've even started running, and in the past few days have been doing the treadmill followed by EFX. Unfortunately I haven't been seeing results!!! GRRRR!!!!

But enough about me. I have a paper to write.

I just got pretty depressed all of a sudden on the way back from the sixers game (we sang there an hour before the game).

I just feel...lonely. I hate that I'm sitting here writing this. I wanna be happy and be surrounded by friends. Things are just weird, and I feel like I'm easily pushed aside.

I'm in a pretty weird mood now. I'm about to go to the gym...maybe that'll take my mind off things.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately: where would I be if I hadn't done ______? Mostly it's been "where would I be if I wasn't in Off The Beat, because I spend more than half of my life involved with the music and the people. And I love it. I love every moment of it, if not at the time then looking back on it. At Syracuse it came up: where would we have been if we weren't in the group. Certainly not in Syracuse, not at that party. I might've been in my bed, or out, or at home, or...the list is endless. It's such a strange thought.

Your circumstances are such a huge part of who you are. In less than a year this group has moulded me into a different person than I was in high school. I like the person I have become, the only downside being that I am still the worst procrastinator in the world (see paper, my), but then that's really one of the things that hasn't changed about me.

Thinking farther back, I had Players for the majority of my high school career. What would I have done without Players? I never even thought about it at the time, for what reason I can't really tell.

I feel like I jumped right from Players to OTB, and I am so glad. Glad because it is that same sense of community, that same tight bond that I get to share with a small group of people, a bond which outsiders may never understand. I know how corny this all sounds, but it's so true. I never realize how much I love this, how much I crave that kind of bond until I think about where I would be without it. It's the best feeling when you are not just performing together as group members, but as friends.

I can't fully complain about how much I miss the stage, how much I miss acting. I do, I miss it terribly. Especially after taking my acting class and then never really getting to perform in a play. I learned techniques and styles I would love to test out on stage, but that chance may never come. I am still on the stage, though. It requires a bit of acting to sing in the arc. This semester will really test me, however, because this time I have a solo. This is my chance to show that I can be a performer, not just a singer. When we were at Syracuse I was paying attention to who sang well but just stood in one spot and didn't move versus who sang well and actually performed their shit. The performers got the standing ovations.

Maybe the show will be my chance to use what I learned from my acting class. I will be thinking of Patience. "Love feeds on hope they say, or love will die. Ahh miserie..." I still remember how it goes.

There is one thing I do miss. I miss the sparkling, the shining, the giving 'em hell.

But I think that's something Players still do even after they graduate. You never stop being a Player.

Baby.

No one can tell you what's right for you. No one can tell you what the best future for you is. They can't tell you what the best classes to take are, or what major to pick, or whether or not you should have children.

The paper I'm trying to write now is about how the author of the book we're reading (Sexing The Cherry...it's by Jeanette Winterson) wants to prove that love is an individual thing, totally different and personal for everyone. No one can tell you who or what to love, nor can they make you stop loving.

The same goes with a lot of other things in life. Either you know what's right for you, or you don't, but it's not up to someone else to tell you what it is.

This is kind of depressing...

I am talking to my mom online, and I was telling her how in the car ride back from Syracuse (a pretty awesome time, btw...more on that later). We talked about having kids and would you rather be a guy or a girl and getting married. I said I'd rather be a guy, and I don't want kids. Stacey and Rina told me I'm crazy.

The way I see it is this: kids are too expensive. I don't want to bring a life into this world, which is so fucked up and dangerous and scary. I don't want to give birth. I don't want to carry it for 9 months. I don't want to give birth to something that fights with me and tells me it hates me when it's angry.

I hate that I have such a jaded perspective of it, but I guess that's due to my situation in life, which is completely different from Stacey and Rina's.

I just feel like...my mom's life would be so much easier without me. I'm talking about it with her now...she is assuring me that she is so glad she has me...I don't mean that I wish I wasn't alive because I am so happy to be alive and as privelaged as I have been, I just feel like her life would be better without me...I feel like a burden.

I think I am getting like this because of the cadburry egg I ate and because I got about 4 hours of sleep last night.

Why am I awake right now? Why aren't I in my bed, sleeping peacefully?

Oh RIGHT! I'm going to fucking Syracuse with OTB.

>:-O

I see these people who live as if they haven't got a care in the world. They buckle down when they need to, they get their work done, they get by in class, or they even do well.

Outside of class, outside of work they are so laid back. They don't get stressed about things. They roll with the punches and they soak things up like they are sponges. Some are passionate about things, some are blase about everything. Either way, they somehow have this ability to remain calm through situations that would make me freak out.

I want to be like those people. I don't want to freak out. Ever.

I want to smile all the time.

Things fall apart:

I have a paper to write. All I did for it last night was pick my topic. I can't figure out how to narrow it down and make a good argument out of it; I don't know where to start.

I went to the gym Mon, Tues, Wed. Not last night. I'll probably try to go today, though I know I should be writing my paper instead. I won't go Saturday, I probably won't have time to go Sunday. Yet I'll eat and eat and eat as if I'm going every day.

I am sitting here trying to write this paper and I can't stop thinking about things. It's always amusing to me how things have turned out so differently from what I could've ever imagined...

Shitty, shitty, shitty day. After getting back from my dorm from a 5 hour rehearsal (where I found out that I have no time to breathe for the next three weeks due to a million rehearsals and too many gigs in too little time), my roommates informed me that we didn't get any housing for next year. WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! I feel like my life is falling apart. Basically I have nowhere to live next year and I completely and totally blame my mom, who said no when I asked if I could live in Stacey's house next year. It would have been perfect: I would've been with friends, I would've had a house, wouldn't have to worry about this shit right now. But noooooooo.

I HAVE ENOUGH ON MY FUCKING PLATE ALREADY. BAD SHIT NEEDS TO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!

However, I don't know if I mentioned that I got an A+ on my legal studies midterm.

So advance registration is really soon. Starting March 22 and going until April 4. Which is scary, because I have no idea what courses I wanna take. I also got an email saying that I'm on registration hold because they think I haven't gotten my last hepatitis shot, which I have. Also I'm on hold because I have to meet with my advisor. UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I'm basically gonna go meet with him and say "I have no idea what I want to do with my life." I feel like I'm just fucking around with the courses I wanna take. Maybe I'll start trying to fulfill requirements. I wanna take music theory because that fulfills the math requirement, but the latest starting time for the class is 10:30. I wasn't even awake at 10:30 today. I guess I'll see how it turns out. I am just feeling very stressed about everything, especially because OTB is taking over my entire weekend and my entire night tonight and my entire life. It's starting to feel like last semester, but it's almost harder in a way because this semester has been much more laid back, plus I just got back from spring break and I feel like I have too much on my plate.

Someone help me eat this.

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. We have to meet at Izzy and Zoe's at fucking 9:45 a.m. on Saturday to go to fucking Syracuse. UGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO! I HAVE A FUCKING FIVE PAGE PAPER TO WRITE THAT'S DUE ON MONDAY!!!!!!! All I feel like doing right now is complaining. It's kind of hard to go from doing jack shit all day to having a serious time crunch, plus you gained a lot of weight and have a month to lose it and you're like "ok, self, I'm gonna work out every day this month and get in awesome shape" and then you fucking find out that YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU HAVE FUCKING OFF THE BEAT THAT TAKES UP ALL DAY SATURDAY AND PRETTY MUCH ALL DAY SUNDAY.

I'm happy about that, as you can tell.

I just emailed my writing teacher and asked for an extension on the paper. She'll probably laugh in my face, considering the fact that she gave us the paper topic well before spring break.

I also got an extension on a spanish test because it was the day before our show. Now I'm taking it on Friday, the day of our show, but I don't have any class that day so it's fine.

Blech.

Oh, and I went to the gym for two hours today. Did the EFX for 47 min, did weights and crunches. I wanna see how many days in a row I can go.

I'm really trying to concentrate and do my homework right now, but I'm plagued with the inability to stop thinking about everything other than homework.

I'd like a little more certainty in my life, I think. Things on the guy front have been a roller coaster and yeah I have awesome stories, but all this drama gets tiring after a while. I'd also like to know where I want to go with my life, but everyone's telling me I have plenty of time to worry about it. I do, God willing, so I guess I'll worry about that later.

Ahh I just got off the phone with my mom. I love her...she always makes me feel better about everything. Moms have this amazing ability to do that. You have a booboo, they kiss it and make it better.

Maybe now I can concentrate on my homework.

In a conversation with a friend I was talking about adjusting to being a different age and adjusting to writing "04" instead of "03".

During dinner I was talking with my mom and grandfather (my grandmother wasn't there for reasons I'll explain later - nothing serious) about what I want to do with my life. I was saying how I'm not ready to pick my future because "I've only been alive for 18 years and--" That was where they cut me off and reminded me that it's actually 19. It's going to be a strange adjustment. My last year as a teenager.

"I've only been alive for 19 years," I continued, "and I hope to be alive at least four times as long as this, so how can I pick what I'm going to be doing for all that time with as little life experience as I've had?"

It's a concept I really don't understand. The way I see it is this: I've been alive 19 years. The first 10 or so years don't count because I was oblivious to everything in the world. So with my 9 years of "real life" experience I'm supposed to decide the next 50 or so years of my life? That's rediculous.

My mom said it depends on what you want in life, whether you would rather have a job you don't like and enough money to live a comfortable life, or a job you really like and less comfort. I wish it was easy to have both.

But it's not, which is why I'm not majoring in something like fine arts or acting. I highly doubt that I could make a living doing the things I really love. I'm just trying to be realistic.

On another note, I am really stuffed from dinner.

Tomorrow will be the start of my insane workout schedule, which I hope to follow for the entire month so I can look good for the show!

Soooo I'm back from Vieques. It was AWESOMEEEEEEEEE.

More on that later. Stacey's here annnnnnnnd we're gonna go see a movie tonight.

Tomorrow is my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last post before I leave for PUERTO FUCKING RICO!!!! WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I can't wait. I hope all goes well.

:-D

You'll be happy to know
You paved the way.

I totally need to go to bed now. I hung out at Hill tonight and it was really fun. I have really good friends.

Anyway........

ONE MORE FREAKING DAY UNTIL SPRING BREAK AND I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man.......

I AM FREE FROM CLASSES!! I AM NOW OFFICIALLY ON SPRING BREAK BECAUSE ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PACK TO LEAVE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got 7 straight hours of sleep last night. Sooo nice. I even got to bed before sunrise!!

I'm skipping spanish now, and I'll probably just shower and maybe work on preliminary packing (or cleaning my room so I have a place to put the stuff I wanna pack). I need to go to CVS but I think I'll do that tomorrow.

I have all these thoughts running through my head...

...like how stupid flirting is. It's so dumb...people get farther by being direct...plus some people are really annoying to watch while they flirt.

...that sometimes circumstances shouldn't matter. I think that's so stupid...it should be that something happened, not how.

...that my back hurts.

...that this weird mood I'm in would probably go away if I went to bed but I have to finish my (really bad) drawing.

So I have one of my really awesome backaches now. I tried to go to the gym and just ended up doing weights, and EFX for 16 min (which hurt my back). Awesome.

Puerto Rico in TWO FREAKING DAYS. I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm totally putting off doing my drawing homework, because I don't feel like drawing for 2 - 4 hours. I'm skipping spanish tomorrow. I was gonna go to the gym during that time, but I might just work on packing.

Ok, I'm gonna try to start my drawing in 10 min. Wish me luck.

I've grown to dislike being awake when the sun rises. Why? It's always because I'm up doing homework or studying for a test, not because I choose to watch the sun come up. I'd like to be sleeping right now, but I guess it could be worse. I took a three hour nap and then laid down on my bed from prob. around 2:30 till 4:30 or 5, and now I'm studying for my legal studies midterm. I keep debating whether I should go to bed for two hours and get up and keep studying, or study and then go to bed, and get up like 20 min before my exam.

I want to write something profound.

Instead, I'll play text twist and put off studying for my midterm.

Three days until spring break.

I hope I feel better tomorrow.

I feel like my body is mad at me.

I have a really bad headache now. I just took a three hour nap and it didn't go away. I have a fucking midterm to study for, and I don't know how I'm supposed to do that feeling the way I do.

And now I'm sad, cause this song reminds me of...me...

I'm sorry.

Sometimes I read things that give me hope. Frankie, if you read this...I was reading the entry in your blog about how happy you are. How you're ready to live, how this is the time to be carefree.

It inspired me. It made me happy just to read it. Because you are so right. It is fucking beautiful.

Today we had a high of 67 degrees. I was comfortable in capri pants, a tank top with a light jacket, and, for the first time of the year, flip flops. Finally.

I was walking back from Huntsman tonight and it felt like a cool night in Orlando. The breeze was just right, the temperature was neither hot nor cold. The moon had a slight mist in front of it, and it was breathtaking. I can smell spring on the heels of this weather.

And you know what? So what if I am not the weight I said I wanted to be. Fuck unrealistic goals. As long as I am healthy enough to walk and see, smell, hear, touch, and taste this beautiful day and this beautiful world, I am ok.

Everything else is secondary.

Went to the gym today w/ Stacey, even though I'm extremely sore from my run yesterday. I think I overdid it. Today I did the EFX for 48 min and went 5 miles. That's how it should've been on the treadmill too, but I can't run for that long. I also did a bunch of crunches.

Tonight my mommy brought me my bathing suit!!! :-D It was sooo nice of her.

Tonight I tried to go to Pottruck. I didn't know that it closed at 10 until 9:20 when Eric told me. I rode my bike over and tried to go in at 9:25. But the doors were locked. The woman sitting at the desk mouthed the words "we're closed" to me. That's funny. Online it said it's open until 10. Not 9:25, not 9:30, not 9:45, but 10. People get kicked out of the gym 15 minutes before closing, so the people who work there can leave at the time the gym is supposed to close. Fine. But not half an hour or more before it's supposed to close. That's rediculous. I could've gone in and done weights and crunches in 15 minutes, no problem. But nooooo. They were closed. They might as well say they're only open until 9:30. Although then I guess they'd close at 9.

I got back to my room and went to the recreation website and left a nice comment with the above story. I hope someone sees it.

Determined to work out, I went on the treadmill in the basement of my dorm for 61 minutes. Why am I nuts? I mean...I only went like 5.07 miles and I think I burned 700 calories. The mileage is not really good at all, but I started out walking, then ran two miles, walked half a mile, ran a little, walked more, jogged, then walked again. So it's not like it was high-intensity all the time. Then I used exercise bands to substitute for my weights, and I did regular crunches. But no side crunches. I need these love handles gone.