Categorically one of the worst nights of recent times.

Again, there's a song called Smile, by the band Lagwagon.

Right now, I fucking hate my life.

Saw The Matrix Reloaded last night. Eh. It was good, but didn't live up to my expectations.

In other news, I wish my friends would just tell me straight up that they're doing something tonight to which I am not invited, as opposed to fucking trying to hide it from me. And then some of them (well, I wouldn't actually call these ones my friends) sit there and talk about it openly. How fucking unsensitive can you be? It's not that I want to go, I don't even like him. But, God.

THIS IS WHY I ONLY EVER DO STUFF WITH JAMIE. THIS IS EXACTLY IT. The one night I plan to do something with everyone...nope.

Fine. Fuck this. It's me and my beau and none of you from now on.

We'll see if the last person calls.

So it's like I have SO much to say, all these stories to tell, and now that I have to write my final journal entry, consisting of 300 - 500 words, I don't know what to say. Bummer.

I'm actually sad it's gonna be over. I want to go back and visit some time, and see how everyone's doing.

Haha. My daily fortune today says "Are you going out dressed like THAT?"

Yes, yes I am.

I went out in the fashion taboo combo of brown and black. My cleaning lady, Bea, said it looked fine, though, so it was alright.

Today was a good day. We took about eight residents to the Spaghetti Warehouse, and I got fetuccini alfredo. It's like eating a boulder, but yummier. After that we did some golfing back in the assisted living section (today is Senior Fitness Day [and I don't mean senior in high school]), followed by a fun game of volleyball, played with a balloon, while everyone but me was seated. Man, they wore me out.

Ok. You're gonna laugh.

I showered in my grandparents' room tonight, and I went out into the almost pitch black foyer. I thought I could kinda see where I was going, but apparently not. You know how some walls have corners that jut out? Like if the wall is going straight, and then goes back, so there's a corner? I can't really explain it very well. Well, I stubbed my toe on the corner. And I also stubbed my head. It really hurt, and there's a bump. Hopefully the bruise I'm sure I'll get won't be too bad. It's to the right of and parallel to the scar I have from another run-in with a corner, though that run-in was someone else's doing.

And now, to bed.

I said the mood was weird, not neccesarily bad, though. Just to clarify.

I lied. I didn't read when I came home. I played with my NEW PHONE. Also, I got a new computer today. Well, yesterday, technically. All in all, not a bad day. It could have had more Jamie, though.

The end of the year, as I previously thought, would be the ideal time to tell everyone what I think of them. I wouldn't need to see them over the summer, and I wouldn't see them in college. But tonight I realized that the end of the year, though it is the perfect time to tell people my thoughts, it's the time to just let things be. To leave things alone.

I'm not gonna lie: it sucks to be a 18, with a senior license, and have to be home by 11:30 on a Saturday night.

But tonight was fun.

But I missed Jamie. A lot. I mean, cowering with Rachel and Heather was nice....but not as nice as cuddling with James. We saw The Ring. I'd previously seen half an hour of it, and rewound and returned it when Jamie had to leave. I was not about to watch it by myself. It was kinda scary, the worst was stuff jumping out at you and gory dead people faces and bodies. I could make it, though. Half of it was just weird shit pasted together in a slipshod manner. But it was an alright movie, though I don't want to see it again.

After the movie we hung out in Katie's room, and I had one of my infamous laughing fits. It was great.

I hope Jamie's having fun at the lake.

So. No cellphone yet. I want the phone Jamie has, I know it. It's just a matter of convincing my mom it's the best one. Also no computer, though we did spend the entire morning at the mall at a Dell kiosk looking at computers. What a pain.

But I made a deal with my mom that if I get a PC instead of a notebook (b/c the PCs are cheaper) I'll definitely be getting a phone. We even shook on it.

But we did go to Radio Shack, where we bought a new answering machine and a surge protector for the computer I don't have.

I need to get out of the habit of being tired at midnight.

This is freaky, and I mean it.

I'M GETTING A CELLPHONE TOMORROW!!! AND A COMPUTER ALSO!!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Reading over old posts. I will read through this entire blog. It will take a while, guaran-damn-tee you that.

Sometimes when I talk to new people, my voice starts to sound foreign to me. Stupid, and weird, etc. I have three months to get over this, so I can make friends in college.

Abs of steel? HELL NAW!

Abs of flab all the way, baby!

As my horroscope in the metro accurately stated today, "your plans to go out after dark might not work." And no, they didn't. My plans to work out were vetoed by my mom. Alas, alack.

Today was alright. I almost saw an old man cry, but I diverted him with some soda.

We went to Mexico today. Sort of...

The piñata ended up looking like an egg with a winking face, wearing a sombrero. It was cute, but obviously well crafted, because one of the housekeeping women had to whack it many times before it broke open. :-D I have the whacked-open piñata.

Tonight I had dinner at Jamie's. His grandmother was there (the spunky one), and she made dinner. It was very good. It was also her birthday, so there was cake. :) His grandmother is sooo cute. When I got to his house she gave me a hug. It was adorable.

No one interesting is online. Bah. Humbug.

Notes to self:

Talk to Kat about flowers for grad.

EVALUATION FORM?? Ask. Mrs. Allen/Mrs. Rorer, give to Theresa

Call Mrs. Allen - visiting? Check up.

Work out

Camera to project

Classifieds on train

Hand in service slip with sr. proj. stuff

I'm really liking this book Debra gave me. I'll just randomly start thinking about it - I'm dying to know what happens next. I'm on p 107 or thereabouts. Not only do I want to know who really killed Emily, but I want to know what's gonna happen next with Chris, everything. Melanie tried to run him over!!! BAHHH!!!!!

I don't know why my blog didn't post my last entry.

I can't wait for my project to be over! Not that I don't like it....but.... I'm still gonna be happy to be done.

I need to look for a summer job. Know anyone who needs a worker?

I find it interesting, truly interesting, that someone I've known for about 7 months knows me so well, and someone I've known for 5 years does not. The things I consider to be the most basic things about me. You'd think 5 years would give one some sort of insight into them, some knowledge about them. Buuuuut...I guess if you think that, you'd be wrong.

I don't know who I thought would be online right now, but my grandfather has something he wants me to type and all I want to do is go to bed. I still have to brush my teeth and dry my hair. I feel like reading my autobiography, but I guess that can wait since I know what happens. Har. Har.

"A while" is two words. A. While. Not "awhile."

The people in the nursing home threw lots of things today. One woman threw her cookie. One spat on the floor. One threw a cup of water across a table. Oh fun.

All in all it wasn't a bad day, plus I got to visit James.

I AM THE FREAKING STUBBORN MULE, ok?!

Geez. Really, to you I dedicate "If You Don't Know Me By Now." What a special honor, huh? Honour.

Alright day today. A woman named Yetta and I did some quality collaging today. She was very cute. I also got this woman, Mary, who always goes "nuuuurrrrrrseeeeee" to stop screaming nurse by asking her to sing along with Frank Sinatra.

:)

Oh, my wisdom:

"you can't persuade a stubborn mule to move by pushing it."

Clocked at about 12:28 a.m.

I'm the mule, if you didn't get it.

The difference this time is that I'm not pining. I'm not spending my time thinking about & being upset about how I'm disconnected. I just don't care. And I don't feel as disconnected as before. It's not like that really alone feeling. It's just the....not as close as we were feeling.

My friend Rachel is really unselfish.

Really, I worry. Well...maybe it's not a worry, more of a forecast. A prediction. A doubt. I doubt I'll keep many (if any) of my friends from high school once I'm in college. Not because I don't want to. Because we'll drift. Because, hell, we've drifted already, and we're still going to the same high school. I really don't feel connected. And for once I don't know that I'm sad. It is time. It is time to move on. Maybe it has been for a while, but I was reluctant to let go. Not that I don't have fun when I hang out with them. But really...well....you know. No, you don't. But I do. Some drift because of one reason, some because of another. Sex, drugs, and rock & roll. Mostly the first two.

Maybe wedges are there for a reason. That moldy cheese I spoke of so long ago...it was blue cheese. Not that I want to eat it. But it's not all bad. It'll serve its purpose. It'll make parting all the more easier. And let me tell you, I hate thinking like this, but it may just work out better in the end.

* * * * *

While I was brushing my teeth, I looked at my tube of toothpaste. I saw the word "Anticavity." It reminded me, for some reason, of the Incubus song - Antigravity. It's quite a good song, and I doubt you've heard it. But all I could think was

"Making sure to laugh
While we experience
Anticavity..."

Today was good. I just couldn't post, in the same entry, about my day, after being all weird. They needed to be separate posts.

We made a piñata today. Well...kind of. It will be a piñata by Wed. afternoon. Right now it's a balloon with many layers of glue/watered newspaper strips on it, and strings so it can hang. But it will be a piñata. Soon.

We interrupt this program to announce...I WIN! I WIN!!

After visiting Jamie and coming home for dinner, I worked out! WOO HOO! I did the EFX for 25 min including cooldown. Something like 2.8 miles and 280something cal. Which really isn't that good, when you think about how a bag of skittles is about 210 cal. Then I did the row (2 sets of 10 reps, to be really specific), lat pulldown, tricep stuff, bicep curls (I feel so weak using 10 lbs. I used to use 15), and some other machine thing for deltoids. After that I did crunches, including this cool new stomach exercise Alison (C.) showed me. Not that I look toned. I think the plan is gonna be to work out tomorrow night and Thursday night, and Sat & Sun. I'm gonna go a little overboard to try to make up for the working out I haven't done in the past month. Hopefully it won't be so much that I hurt myself. I don't plan on that. Just so that I can get back in shape, like how I was for Eddie's last pool party (yes, I've gotten fatter since then...no, I'm not saying I'm fat, just larger than before).

The ultimate ultimate goal is to not eat so much junkfood, and to do stomach exercises every day.

Going back to my last post...another reason I hate thinking about deep, meaningful stuff is because I don't want to fall into that black hole. Once I start, it's so hard to stop. I'd rather just not start at all.

There are things I can't fathom, and then there are things I don't attempt to fathom.

I tend to lean on the side of not thinking philosophically. This is my way of making up for those who waste so much time thinking about, pondering about, and questioning life. No, I really don't see a point in questioning it all. Because every second you spend questioning, you're missing out on something.

I don't need a picture of millions of other stars and galaxies to make me feel insignificant. I can look out the window of a plane or a car and feel insignificant. I can watch people I know accomplish stupendous things, and feel insignificant.

I can't put my finger on what I do and don't like about my religion. I'm not atheist, but I'm not religious either. I'm proud of my religion, and I wouldn't want to be another.

The question I ask is "why ask why?"

Some people are so unsuspecting. I can take the train and look at people and realize that they could be a chemist or a bum or a famous english playwright or....they could be anything.

That makes me feel insignificant. I can get in a mood, the kind I'm in right now, and feel insignificant just thinking about books. All the books that have been published. All the words. When I drive and I see other cars and I think how they don't give a second thought to me as they drive past.

I will not give in, I will not give in. I will not IM first. I don't IM, remember? There is only one I will IM first.

It's like my squinty-eyed mood, but with a twist of lime.

Things that happen when your mind wanders. I see why my grandfather reads all the time. If my mind were left to wander...well, I don't think I'd ever find it again.

Hey!!! I totally forgot to mention that the 17th was my one year anniversary with my blog! That's a pretty long time blogging. Happy anniversary, blog. I think I'll keep you through college. I may have to start archiving it monthly so the archives don't take up so much space on the main page. I don't want a seperate archives page, because I changed it from that when I first got the blog, cause I hated it.

Maybe, to reminisce, I'll read through all my old posts. It's so much fun to do that.

The Laurelei/Hilltones/Chambers concert was tonight. It went sooo well. I had the solo for Torn! I'm sad cause it's probably the only time I'll ever get to sing it. It was ok...I mean I'm critical of myself, of course, but I suppose I liked it...I kinda wanna use it as a demo to try to get into OTB.

I kinda feel like maybe I didn't do a good job, cause not that many people congratulated me.

But I had that solo, a trio for These Are Days, beat boxing for Mmm Bop, That's Just The Way It Is, and Send Me On My Way. Things that make me happy.

I'm happy my senior project is almost over.

Everyone was really sad that this was our last concert. I was happy because it was a fun concert. And it's not like I'll never get to do this stuff in college (I hope!!). And hey, maybe I'll go back and watch, and they'll invite me up to sing. Maybe just maybe.

James is gonna be away next weekend. I'm not happy about this.

So they're out seeing The Matrix: Reloaded now. Actually, it's probably just ending now. Maybe they're watching the credits or the last couple minutes. James is probably sleeping. I finished watching MIIB, which we rented but didn't finish (as usual) b/c his dad came and got him at 11.

I was upstairs and heard him arguing with his dad on the phone about when he was getting picked up. He said this night was a total let down. How can it be a total let down when we got to spend four hours together? I know he wanted to see The Matrix; so did I! We couldn't even rent the original b/c it was all out. But it wasn't a bust. Please, if you think I'm gonna be upset that I got some genuine alone time with him, you're mistaken.

I sound nothing like my old self. I hope that self never comes back.

And did I mention? I GOT THE SOLO FOR TORN!!!! WOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!

Something's wrong with my eye, or with my contact. The vision in my right eye has been blurry for the past couple days. But only when I wear my contacts (not with my glasses). I hope it goes away when I change them.

Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles...

I worked out today!! Hoorah!! I did the EFX for 24 min. including cool down. And you know what? It only burned about 280 calories. It was something like 2.71 miles. It was so nice, though. Then I did weights and crunches. Ahhh, I am happy now. If only my stomach would look like...well, like it did a couple months ago. I swear...since Eddie's pool party it's been a steady decline.

I know that seems so superficial, but I just feel less healthy when I don't work out. Sluggish. And all I want to do is eat more.

I have to be careful now, so I can be alright when I'm old.

Old. I don't want to get old. One of the old women was being mean, and she said something about another old woman. She said "that's why God punished her." The woman she was referring to has a sort of hunchback, and I feel really bad for her. She's nice and all...and the woman who said that about her was just being mean...but it was such an awful thing to say.

I hope I'm not angry all the time when I'm old. But I hope I live long enough that that is a legitimate worry for me. Because the alternative to being old really sucks.

One of the worst things ever is when I start to fall asleep while sitting up (at the computer), and I start to fall over.

I don't know what to do with myself, because I have no homework. No work at all...so I've started reading! ::GASP!:: I'm on p. 17 of the book Debra gave me for my birthday, called The Pact. [noted inconsistency, for italicized book title a few entries down...] It's suspenseful, and I can't handle it! I want to know who shot Emily! I don't have patience!!!! It's good, though.

I've also been watching TV (hence, D's Creek). Maybe I'll work out tomorrow. That's what I say every day. I'm really blubbing, and I mean it. In my stomfat. I mean...stomach. I can't help eating like a pig, and yesterday, when I was going to work out, I stood up after dinner and had a horrible headache. And tonight I had Laurelei. And I am the excuse Princess (my grandmother is the queen...they call her The Great Excuse Maker). I just need to get back in shape...May is the wrong time to gain weight. I managed to work out all winter. Geez. I feel so lousy about myself. I have no self control and no willpower. This blows.

Someone threaten me to go to the gym. I think I need someone to physically pick me up and drag me there and make me work out.

So...I don't post on the community blog anymore. I just don't like the dydndddddsssndydys or whatever the hell it is. I don't like the method of posting and the titles and the commenting system and I especially don't like the fact that there's some other crazy page of the FULL posts that you have to go to in order to read extended posts or some comments. It's just a pain in the ass, man.

Laurelei rehearsal wasn't bad. As per usual, I doth protest too much. But I know that about myself. I got there about 15 minutes late. I went to school when I got home from my project to see if Jamie was still there from track. I sent Jeff into the boys' locker room to look for him, then I asked Monty, and then another boy told me that he'd left already. :( But I may or may not have seen him later. ;) I volunteered to sing the solo for Torn, just as a trial run, and Meghan said it sounded good. I'd like that solo. I also want some form of a solo in Wide Open Spaces. The thing with Torn is that if I have a solo, I can't beat box. Gosh, what to do when you're so multifaceted! Haha..

Rachel and I are now having a deep discussion about the final episode of Dawson's Creek. I'll admit it...there were some really sad parts, and I cried.

I never really go for the overrated friends forever, soulmates, in lovey dovey kind of thing. I dunno...Pacey and Joey ended up together, and that's how I thought it should've been.

But here I am, pathetically discussing a stupid TV show. Alas.

My computer is making a high-pitched screeching sound and I think I'm going deaf. It's time to get off.

Listen, I know I need to learn to pick my battles. But lately, one of the battles I've picked is the battle of dinner at 6. For some reason, everyone and their grandmother feels the need to schedule things during this time. Laurelei rehearsal tomorrow night has been rescheduled from starting at 7 to starting at 6, all so people can go to a Phillies game. I understand they want to go see Hilltones sing, but it's fucking dinner time, and I want to eat at my house. If it's starting at 6 but everyone is eating at 6 and doesn't start singing until 6:30 or 7, then why not start it then? Laurelei isn't the only thing that's scheduled then....there was the carmina rehearsal, Players (although I don't mind with Players, and I know it'll be at 6 during Hell Week), and various other things. Come on, people. Just understand, then, that I'll be late.

Devon doesn't even show up at all. I'll grace them with my presence (haha) when I'm done eating dinner.

I am officially done having to know things until September. It's the nicest feeling - knowing that I can watch TV at night and go online, with nothing nagging me. No homework, and no studying. My chem AP exam was today. It was awful. The multiple choice wasn't great, but it wasn't horrifically (sp?) heinous. The net ionics were easy. The short answers killed me. All of them. The equilibrium was terrible. I answered parts a and b, and guessed part e. D and c I left blank. There was one about organic substances which was the easiest short answer. There was one with bunches of random thinking questions, which was pretty bad, and the lab one was about absorbance. It was also pretty bad. I have no idea what Beers Law is. AND I DON'T CARE! I don't have to care! It's so awesome.

I finished Catcher In The Rye today. I liked some part at the end..I folded down the page b/c I mean to quote it..but not now. That requires the effort of getting up.

Today at my projcet, they were playing Bingo. Vicki was calling out the numbers, when this one woman who lives there (the one who one day was screaming "nuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssseeeeee" in the hall) started repeating the numbers & letters after Vicki said them. So Vicki gave the woman the mic she'd been using, and had the woman repeat all the numbers. From my explanation you really can't understand how hilarious it was. I was crying from laughing so hard.

On another note, I'm out of arts & crafts ideas. Anyone have any?

* * * * *

I don't miss you, really. We have nothing in common, and nothing to talk about. I lost you a long time ago.

* * * * *

In fact, I don't miss anyone from my class. The dinner Monday pretty much sucked, and it ended up being Meghan and Rachel talking with each other, and...I dunno. I was sitting next to Kat but we weren't really talking.

Note to self: Talk to Kat about flowers for graduation.

* * * * *

I got to eat lunch with Jamie. I'm gonna miss him. One of the unforseen advantages (as in, unforseen when I decided to apply to Penn) of going to college so close to home is that I don't have to end my relationship. I can keep it. Sure it'll be hard, but nothing like being in different states (although I worry that being in college while he's in HS will seem like different states...worlds...). I know we can handle it. I found something wayy to good to let go.

I typed out a pretty bad post, but my computer froze. In short, Jamie and I went out to dinner for our sixth month anniversary last night. It was veeerrrry good. Filet mignon and great dessert (and of course, great company!). When I went to the bathroom before the main course, I was putting toilet paper down on the seat, and two of my rings plopped into the toilet!! It was HORRIBLE! I looked around for anything I could fish them out with, but found nothing. So I sucked it up and stuck my hand in and grabbed them. It was awful. I washed my hand many many times and put the rings in my bag (after washing them, of course) and went back to the table to explain to James what had happened. After dinner we rented Final Destination and went back to my house and cuddled on the couch and watched it. It was soo nice.

Mi novio muuuy guapo y suave y awesome y simpatico y listo me dio a pair of earrings that are really awesome!

I don't know how some people can go through guys like candy. I'm sticking with mine.

Friday night was fun to (to backtrack a little). I went to Jamie's house, had dinner with his mom, dad, bro, grandmother, aunt & uncle. It was fun :) Then we hung out in his room for a little, followed by hanging out downstairs with su familia.

Le quiero.

It's not "se" is it?

Today I told my mom that my grandmother had asked me to go to the store to get milk, and I went to Produce Junction to look for roses for Mother's Day. My grandmother had mentioned that Superfresh had roses when she was there yesterday, but I stupidly went to PJ first. See, they have flowers for the right price: about $7. But they had no roses. They had other flower arrangements, so I bought one for $4.50 and headed over to Superfresh. They were smart over at Superfresh, because they had a nice selection of roses ranging from mini roses that were three bunches for $12, to a dozen roses for $10, to a dozen roses with baby's breath and another type of filler flower for $15 ($16 with tax...this is the bouquet I bought), to another for $20. I got home and gave the bouquet from PJ to my grandmother, and the other to my mom. They were pleased. :)

I have a cut on my pinky, which hurts when I put it under warm water or when I bend my finger too much. I think it's from a thorn on one of the roses.

I've missed blogging. It's not that I don't come online, it's that I'm soo exhausted from my senior project that I just don't have the energy.

I should go to bed so I can be rested for studying tomorrow (along with going in to school for Jamie's art class and lunch...and 2:45...I'll probably spend the whole day there again like last week).

To tell the truth, I'm really ready for my project to be over. It wears me out...
...And if I could be who you wanted....

I have the best boyfriend.

When I got home all I wanted to do was call everyone I know and tell them IT'S FRIDAY!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Shit. I just realized I didn't call Mrs. Allen tonight to check up w/ her about my senior project. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

People just need to sit back and enjoy The Matrix for the great movie it is. Not be big losers and spend their lives analyzing it. I'm not saying they shouldn't look for the subtle undertones, but come on...give it a rest.

I'm so freaking exhausted...I'm ready for my project to be over. That's not to say I don't enjoy it, but it wears me out more than I can handle. My pounding headache just returned.

Today we made tissue paper flowers.

I haven't felt more dead since...well, since the cast party. I've been on my feet for the past 5 1/2 (or more) hours. My back hurts, I'm tired, and I couldn't help but smile when the people in the nursing home smiled at me. One lady winked at me a bunch of times. More on my first real day later, when I'm awaker.

Bleeding hearts, let you move to Canada or the Pacific Ocean.

I'm here. This blog is not dying, and it hasn't been, though it seems like it. I haven't wanted to post in a while, and I want to even less now. That is all.

So last night was the second night of the play. Yet again, it seemed like another dress rehearsal with a large audience. They were a good audience, though, because they laughed. This day better be the longest day. I never want to get to the night of the last play, but this time it's even worse, because it's my last play at this school. Ever. And I don't like that fact.

It's so pathetic that my way of rebelling against my mom is by staying up late to be online. Well...that and I'm hoping someone will sign on. But he's not.

UGH! Wherever I am, that's where my mom needs to be. I'm on the computer, I leave the room for a minute, she's on it checking her email. I go wash my face while she's doing that, and am about to brush my teeth when she comes in. She needs to get washed up.

What the fuck? Am I a 5-year-old?? I wasn't allowed to do anything after the play, even though it was only 10:20 or so. Not even for an hour. She said I can't go to Jamie's lake over Memorial day weekend. She mentioned something about how she has off that Thurs and Fri and how she might want to go to Newport. I'm on MY FREAKING SENIOR PROJECT THEN, I CAN'T GO DURING THE WEEK. I am getting really pissed off with her. I have yet to tell her where the cast party is, cause I feel like she'll say no to that too. Why is she treating me like an eighth grader?? How do all my friends manage to be so independent/free and I am stuck with a dictator for a mother?

you stay here and I'm gonna run I'm gonna run away as fast as I can and maybe miles will break opression enough's enough im old enough and big enough that i shouldn't be treated like im not
he had such great potential and killed it all with what i forget the line i almost forgot my line well not the line itself but to say it we mess up our lines in life all the time i mean come on i did it just the other day fucked it up so badly i couldnt repair it but WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE WANT FROM ME ANYWAY there is not a fucking thing i can do except lock myself in a fucking padded room that would surely make her happy but only if she had a freaking surveillence camera hooked up to the room so she could see what i was doing all the time damn nosy pain in my ass