Sooo we're back from the hospital. My mom's doing a lot better than last time. We are all exhasusted (I got up at 6 a.m.), and my grandmother's being a huge bitch. All I've eaten today is a yogurt, about 3 soy crisps, and a fruit cup.

I started out w/ 1908 and now I have 2308. :-D

Not much to say other than that I have 5 CDs left out of 28 that I am ripping onto my computer. I am sooo excited for them cause they are really good.

I spent over 2 hours talking to Eric tonight! I want to go back to school. It's so close and yet...so far. Sigh. Haha.

I only have 9 days left of work. THANK THE LORD! It's so boring I can't take it anymore. I get excited about doing little boring things that take me away from the bigger, most boringest awful project they have me on. I just log hundreds after hundreds of pages into an excel spreadsheet. I've done over 10,000 pages at this point. And there is no end in sight. There's no motivation for me to go fast or slow, because every time I think I might be getting close, one of the paralegals I work for comes and tells me there's more "coming in droves" (as I was told today). Yeah well 9 MORE FREAKING DAYS AND I AM DUNNER. For serious.

Other than that..I have 20 minutes to get ready for bed. That also means 20 min to finish ripping 5 CDs and to get the songs on my ipod.

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I just hooked my beautiful, wonderful computer up to the internet.

My grandparents moved today. They no longer live here. It was so strange watching everything in the house that I normally don't even see because I'm so used to it get packed up and moved into a big van. The big rugs are gone...everything looks so empty (and very spacious)...it's like the house is naked. Granted, they left at least half of their belongings behind, some of which they will come back for on their "second move," and some of which they won't ever take because they don't have room for it in their apartment.

Anyway......I am unpacking and shit right now...I'll write more later.

I'm dying here.

Today may be the last day I'm online for a while, unless I can figure out how to hook MY computer up soon (hopefully tonight).

I found my old pog collection today...it is amazing. I am gonna find something to decorate with them, and it will be the shit.

I like new things. Not just things, but new people, new experiences, and new places. Even new music (and, since I'm a closet girly girl, new clothes, etc.). There is something so exhilirating about getting to know people and places that maybe you knew from afar, or that you've never known of before. I love learning about people - what they like and don't like, what they've done before and when they plan to do in the future. Exploring new places is like a mini adventure, from a new room to a new house to a new city. There's so much to look at (which is fun for when I feel ADD-ish) and discover. And with new clothes...it's great to get something really awesome and wear it for the first time and feel proud of it. I love it.

Of course, old things also have their place. Old friends, familiar places, even old, worn-in clothes. My favorite pair of jeans, with a hole in a bad place. I couldn't throw them out. They have gone through years of wear and tear and still fit just right after being washed (or even when they're in need of washing). They don't even feel like jeans anymore...they've become so soft and thin and comfy and wonderful.

Obviously, old friends are the best. I love having people who know me really well, people who can make fun of me for who I had a crush on in seventh grade or who I dated three years ago. I love people who can say they know my "type," and not seem like an asshole for saying it, since they actually do. I love knowing people really well. Even when you think there's nothing more to get to know about them...people are full of surprises and new things to share.

I adore old places, like Newport, which I know like the back of my hand. I know the lifeguard stands on the beach and the feet sticking out of the wave and the route we ride past Ryan's Family Amusements, then through the brick market, and then down Thames. I know the bridge and the Black Pearl and the wharfs. But even Newport, as many times as I've been there, has its little changes here and there. The giant, faux mailbox in front of the post office is gone. The library, which I hadn't seen for years until this summer, has been completely renovated. And the weather. The weather is never the same from day to day. You can't predict it, and it's not like Florida in the summer months, where it's hot as hell all day, rains for five minutes in the afternoon, and then gets hot as hell again. One day it'll be cloudy and cool, sunny and hot the next, sunny and rainy the next, and so on.

So, in conclusion, I love things, people, and places, new and old. They both have their own appeal, but when it all comes down to it, change is the common denominator.

If ever there was a time that I needed my mommy, it was tonight when I came home from work. So of course she was taking a nap.
 
On the train ride home I just started to feel really lonely. Everyone I am dying to see is away, Yardley, Ramah in the Poconos, New Hampshire, Poland, Belgium, Florida, Texas, and California, to name a few...North, south, east and west...everywhere but here, when I really need them. Some are only as far as about an hour, some 5 or more hours by plane.
 
I haven't seen any of my friends since I've been back, and the thing I need the most right now is a big bear hug from someone who really knows me and won't think I'm lame or needy if I want them to sit and listen to me cry or complain.
 
I got upset during dinner, and my grandparents...they don't know what to do. They don't know how to deal with emotions.
 
I just need physical contact with the people I care about, and I am really not getting it.

My new favorite song is called If It Happens Again by The Dharmas. It's so great.

The part I like goes like this:

"Can you forgive me for
Wasted days spent high
What a way to live
When morning blurs to night
I lost some brain cells
Finding myself
All the colors disappear
Can you see beyond my errors
I can start again with your help
Can you first be something special
Then we'll finish off somewhere else
Woah, would you want me
If it happens again?"

Blogger's getting more and more intense. Not necessarily in a bad way, though.
 
I'm back from Newport. I had an awesome time...every time I go it's just so nice to get away from all the drama back home. I was so torn about coming home....I missed all of my friends, but more and more of them are going away, so part of me wondered what I had to look forward to at home. Newport is so relaxing. Nothing, and I mean nothing beats sitting on the beach for upwards of six hours just soaking up the sun.

I'll get back to Newport in a little bit, because I have a tangent to go on (yes, I ended that sentence w/ a preposition. I notice how ignorant-seeming it is every time I do it).
 
During a conversation I was having with my friend, he asked why we (people in general) like other people when we shouldn't. Why do we like other people that don't like us back as much as we like them? And why do we like people that have so much other stuff going on in their lives that they don't have time for us?
 
On a sort of similar topic, why do people like what they cannot have? Why is the chase so much more interesting than the catch? This is not an absolute truth, but so many times it seems that once people get what they thought they wanted, they decide that it wasn't what they wanted after all. I guess the grass is always greener.
 
And of course I know that my observations are not particularly keen or original in any way. They are just renewed questions that will, like always, never be answered.
 

---

 
Now back to Newport...
 
It seemed like so much longer than 10 days, or however long it was. I was really stressed out at first, but after about three days I was finally able to (sort of) relax. It was icky weather for two or three days, but I still managed a decent tan, plus I got my hair cut. Same length, but longish bangs. (Go here for dorky webcam pics).
 
Oh and here's a "shout out" to Brian...consider yourself officially mentioned in my blog!

Blogging from Newport now. I'm in the library with my cousins, where you get free internet access. They blocked aim, though, and I really wanna see if anyone's on now, cause checking email only takes like two seconds.

Ahh, here's an interesting story. It happened I think two mornings ago. I was in the kitchen eating breakfast in my pajamas. I got up, and my grandmother made a face. I said "what?" and she said "your stomach." She always criticizes me when I wear clothes w/ my stomach showing - she tells me I look awful, and has called me a tramp. Sounds nice, doesn't she? So I look over at my cousin Becky, who's 23, tall, and skinny. Her stomach was showing too, so I said "Well Becky's stomach is showing," and my grandmother said "well hers is flatter than yours."

What the fuck?

I stormed out of the room and said I wouldn't talk to her till she apologizes. She doesn't apologize for things, ever, so it's gonna be a while. My cousins and my mom and grandfather all gave her shit for it. Various things she said in response were that she didn't call me fat, which my cousin Jenny told her she did, and that "she has more important things to worry about," (aka my mom). That's riciculous. At dinner that night, she wouldn't shut up, and kept asking questions directed right at me, so that I couldn't ignore her w/o seeming like a total brat. I just gave her one word answers, and I've been avoiding her.

It's not just that she basically called me fat. It's a mixture of that, the fact that she plays favorites with my cousins (Becky is her favorite and can do no wrong...we went out Saturday night and Becky wore a miniskirt that I would've been criticized up and down for wearing, while my grandmother fawned over her for wearing it), the fact that I am insecure about how I look enough without being chastized by her, and that I've really been trying to eat healthy and have been doing crunches every day in an attempt to get skinnier, so that comment just made me feel like total shit. Plus, I can't believe a family member of mine could say something so mean and hurtful to someone they supposedly care about.

I can't wait till they move. It'll be so much easier to deal with just my mom. My mom was telling me that I might have a hard time cause she's so picky about how she wants things, but no way can one person's pickiness be worse than three peoples'.

I just don't want to be up here with my grandparents once my cousins leave (they're leaving tomorrow), because then it'll be exactly the same as it is at home. I'll be the only one my grandfather can ask to get up and do whatever he wants exactly how and when he wants it. There'll be no support for me, aside from my mom, who just keeps telling me that I owe them for all they've done for me. I understand that, but it's my fucking vacation. Why did they have to come up here when we were gonna be here?

I know why...it's more of a rhetorical question. The answer to it is that my grandfather is so negative and impossible to be around that if my mom and I left my grandmother alone with him, she'd either want to kill him or herself, or both. So they had to follow us up here so she could drive US all insane since he's driving her insane. Grrrrreat.

Ok, enough bitching. So far, aside from that one incident, I've been having a really fun time. I wish it were sunny today, because then I'd be at the beach, but oh well. I just hope it doesn't rain the next two days like it's supposed to.

Went to Guster/Ben Folds/Rufus Wainwright last night. All in all had an awesome time. Eric picked me up after work (so nice of him). We walked in the rain w/ his cousins, sister, & sister's friend to Penns Landing. It stopped raining about 5 min after we got there, and stayed hot and humid the whole time, so I wasn't cold. Met up w/ Meghan, Heather, Allison, Sue, Alex & Nick. They said they saw Breton so I called him & ended up standing w/ him and some of his buddies. It was fun :) And of course Guster was awesome (I only didn't know like 3 songs cause they were from the new album which I don't have yet). I knew like 3 of the songs Ben Folds played, but he was still awesome. Rufus is really good, but we got there while he was on and were talking while he was playing so I didn't listen too much.

Gotta go pack!

Even you, you little bitch. You don't matter one lick.

Cause nothin' even matters, at all...

Really.

It doesn't matter if I am 10 pounds over my ideal weight. Boys don't matter, girls don't matter, work doesn't matter, patents don't matter, answering phones doesn't matter. Eating too much doesn't matter.

What matters is that you are healthy.

What fucking matters is that my mom is not...and she needs to get better.

She doesn't deserve it (to be unhealthy, I mean). It's not fair.

"I wanna know what's fair, Deb."

That's what my aunt said when I called her from the bathroom in the middle of work. Of course nothing in life is fair. But this is worse than unfair. It's just...not...fuckinggggggggggggggggg fair.

The age old question is this: "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

Pluses and minuses of my weekend:

+ Got my nintendo gun from Alex
- Was only allowed to stay half an hour
+ Got a new cellphone!!! (LG VX4500...it's fabulous)
+ Went to Penn, slept over
+ Played volleyball
+ Stayed for a little bit for the BBQ
- Had to leave earlier than I wanted, got made fun of for it
- Had to do housework, which totaled maybe 20 minutes (meaning I could've stayed later at Penn)
- Got yelled at for something my mom anticipated I would do wrong
- Cried (what a pussy)
+ Went to Meghan's
- Wasn't hungry, mom tried to say I wasn't allowed to go unless I ate something (aka was completely owned by my mom 90% of this weekend)
+ Had a good talk
+ Lost weight!
- Can't go to the beach tomorrow

Total = + by a very close margin. We'll see if anything tomorrow can sway the results either way.

I went to Meghan's tonight and watched the end of Independence Day w/ her, Alison, & their mom. After that we went up to Meghan's room and just talked for a couple hours. It was really good to catch up and just be able to talk about everything that's going on.

Also, if the scales in her bathroom were right, I lost weight!!! Compared to my heaviest I think I lost about 9 pounds! I am sooooo happy!! And pretty proud. I think eating real food agrees with me more than just hoagies and icky stuff I got at school.

This summer I plan to learn how to cook chicken and how to iron.

Went to Penn last night. Had a great time. Just got back, but I'm pissed cause I wanted to stay later and I wasn't freaking allowed :( . I played volleyball on the sand last night. It was awesome.

We're really not as special as we think. The world does not revolve around us as individuals. We are so wrapped up in ourselves.

Things that make me feel unspecial:

Seeing planes and realizing that I will most likely never meet the people on that plane. They will not think about me, wonder about me. I will not wonder much about them, at least not personally (although I do think of them as a group, like right now).

Today the train I was on stopped next to another stopped train. I thought the same thing I think about people on planes.

Realizing that exes do the same thing with new people they meet and go out with as they did with you, meaning your relationship with them was not really as special as you thought it was.

I doubt that people think about me and miss me much.

Went to Penn Tuesday night. It was Katy's 21st. It was really fun, but I ended up pissing my mom off cause I got home late. Still fun tho. Off to give myself a french manicure for fun.