no one says "space" when they are making a dictation. just for reference.

9:33 i really should have made my lost commentary one blog post, like when sports blogs do it. anyway, that was a really dramatic death just then.

9:34 does locke keep getting creepier and creepier with every season or is it just me?

9:36 i must admit i think the sync commercials where people try to voice command things like doors, treadmills and blinds and hilarity ensues make me chuckle. also, jumper and vantage point sound like really good movies.

9:37 hahahah employee at fast food place: "i can't accept that" food buyer: "why?" employee: "cause that's not real money" buyer: "well that's not a real breakfast!!" hahahha. just imagine really seriously trying to pay for something, like dinner at a real restaurant, with monopoly money.

9:42 hurley's getting a lot of emotional air time in this ep

9:50 sorry but when did buying someone a phone as a present for valentine's day become a thing? i plan on watching eli stone, it looks all right. but boo to whoever decided to run two back to back commercials for the show. at least spread them out!

9:54 yawn, hurley's speech is boring.

9:58 the beard must come after his meeting w/ hurley. ooooOOOooohh a juicy secret. i gotta know what it is!!! lost, you're great for these little mysteries you give us.

9:59 i bet hurley dies.

10:00 when jack asked how this happened i thought, dude they just summed up the whole 3 previous seasons for us, i think we know how it happened.

10:02 very smart decision: luring watchers of lost into watching eli stone by showing something that's supposed to be some sort of lost clue. it will probably dumb, but i will watch the show anyway. not cause of that, though.

good commercial placement: commercials for cloverfield, toyota and macbook air during LOST season premiere. not as good commercial placement: commercials for the movie step up 2 and clairol's nice and easy hair dye. although i guess i am a girl and i love lost so there must be more like me. that means maybe the hair dye commercial isn't such a bad idea. but step up 2? presumably people who watch lost have good taste and wouldn't watch that movie.

haha, one brand boasts that its whitening strips dissolve AND whiten so you can go anywhere, the other brand boasts that its whitening strips DON'T dissolve, thus leaving the whitening gel in place longer.

that's called taking someone's negative and turning into it a positive.

Went to Brasserie Perrier last night with Eli. I've been dying to go there for quite some time and just never got to. But this week is restaurant week and they have fixed price 3 course meals at a bunch of awesome restaurants. So we went there and had a delicious dinner - caesar salad, amazing steak w/ potatoes and green beans, and dessert (mine started with "chocolate lava"). It was warm molten chocolate on the inside of a round chocolate dessert, with some ice cream and fruit. Add in the bottle of (delicious) Riesling wine we had and it wasn't cheap, but it was so delicious.

Went to the gym before dinner and did 29 min on the treadmill and 36 on elliptical, crunches and a bit of weights. Haven't done weights in a while so my arms are nice and dead. Did about half an hour elliptical and half hour bike 2 days ago and my leg muscles felt pretty awesome. Oh and I finally buttoned the top button on a pair of pants I used to fit into but haven't in a while.

Aside from that, next weekend there's a tattoo convention in Baltimore I might go to, and I'm planning on going on a brewery tour hopefully some time soon. :-D

Oh also, I have a plan. For my immediate/closely distant future.

i think i wanna do the erin express this year. it's right around my birthday and it could be an awesome day of drinking for 23.

is this what i needed to light a fire under my ass? being at a job that is not miserable but where i just do the same thing day in and day out and don't look forward to it?

my firm hired a new woman for the docketing department. today was her first day so, as is customary at my firm, we took her out to lunch. while we were out we talked about many things. the topic got to traveling and i got to talking about how i would love to go to spain for a bit, or live in south america and teach english. my boss jokingly said not to leave just yet, and that now they were gaining someone new and were going to lose someone again. i told her i wasn't doing that any time soon, but when we got back to the office i was concerned that she thought i meant i wanted to leave the firm and go galavanting off (which, to be honest, i do...). I IMed her on our inter-office msn messenger and said that i didn't want her to think i was planning on running off to spain or south america any time soon. she said she didn't get that message. i said it's just a far off plan that would be nice to do at some point in my life. to that she said "go with your dreams, b/c i wound up waiting and it became too late for me to act on them."

...


.

wow. my boss, telling me to go with my dreams. pretty awesome, actually. she is very cool. she's a real person. she didn't say "stay here, we want to keep you working here as long as we can." she told me to go for my dreams.


...


and now, as i type this, i am talking to sam. he asked me to make a list of things i want to do and why i would be good at them. he's gonna lend me a book to read, and i am gonna go back to reading my book about careers in the music industry. and...i am thinking about taking a class or two. marketing would be very useful to take. i wish i had thought about this before the spring session started, but penn has summer session classes and i will presumably still be living here then. so...even having this little plan is making me feel better.

this guy who works at my gym tells me how i'm always happy and that's what he likes about me whenever i see him.

it makes me laugh.

no one's always happy, and the people that seem to be are either faking it or taking really good drugs (or are in denial).

it doesn't last.

see? if you delete anything related to me and i do the same, it's like we never happened, right?

sunday night is probably my least favorite night of the week. it's a bad in between time. i look back and wonder where the weekend went and how it managed to fly by so fast, and look forward to the five days of work and getting up way too early ahead of me. sam just said i need to get a job i look forward to going to. yes, yes i do. but for now this job treats me well. i don't look forward to it but by mid monday i realize that it's not that bad and there are plenty of worse jobs out there. part of it is me trying to convince myself that, but i know that the people there are great, the fact that i have benefits, a 401(k), good pay and can do overtime whenever i want is very good.

but the bottom line is...i don't love sunday nights.

we only have ourselves to blame.

except my mom.

went to see my mom last night. she seems a little better, just like the last few times i've seen her.

went food shopping after that, finally. i was gonna go on sat but i called and extended my car reservation and just took care of it last night. my fridge and cabinets are much happier now.

sometimes i wonder why.. i wonder why i go through this daily ritual, why i go to work, why everyone does it. why? what's the point? (this would seem much more profound in a separate post but i don't have time). then i think, who cares? we're here so we might as well do what we do.

i went to bed last night at 12:30 instead of 1 and that half hour made a world of difference: i didn't want to die when i woke up today.

lastly, charmin created a "stronger" toilet paper, which i bought because it sounded good. it's not bad, but it's like they joined forces with bounty and just cut a bounty roll in half.

40 min on the treadmill today. 20 on elliptical. crunches.

soooo tired now. muscles sore. good sore. mmmmm.

well, you never know who reads these things.

eli came over last night so i could tutor him in spanish. the most we did was watch a little bit of telemundo and then some family guy.

zach came over fri. i beat him in 4 games of beirut (he won 0) which is pretty awesome, because in the five years i've known him i had never beaten him. sam, ryan and adrian came downtown so we met up w/ them at devil's alley which was fun, except for when adrian spat on my jeans. yes, he spat on me. what??????

sat i hung out in belmont hills and played lots of super mario (i beat the game..we were gonna try to use the p wings but the game started getting pretty f'd up). also lots of guitar hero. i wooed people with my skills (btw i now play on EXPERT...i am awesome). also got 3 loads of laundry done which is pretty awesome. the laundry is still in my laundry basket on my floor. maybe tonight i will get around to unpacking it. maybe.

sunday i slept late and then...WATCHED FOOTBALL. haha. seriously, i did. it wasn't bad and at least now i will have a little background for the superbowl. i think i'm gonna have to start watching sports.

lounged around monday for my day off. went to the gym. hung out w/ eli. there's the circle, i've gotten back to the beginning of this post.

dave just called and invited me to a date party downtown. hmmm, do i go?
+ open bar
+ downtown (not sure where, though, could be real downtown or old city)
- work night
- i didn't get a lot of sleep this weekend
+ sounds fun

i've been listening to a lot of new music lately and i love it. today i was listening to the band stars. i really like them, largely because they have a girl and guy singing together. but some music makes me emo, and stars had that effect on me for about 15 minutes today. i don't remember what song it was but it made me think about something that often gets to me - not knowing the last time is the last time. it's just something that i think about sometimes. you don't know when you end a relationship or a friendship when the last time is the last time. but sometimes, you sort of know. and sometimes looking back, when you realize the other person sort of knew, it makes you feel disgusted. so maybe you could say i was feeling disgusted, rather than emo, today. but only for 15 minutes.

anyway, i gotta go to the gym, zach is on his way in town as i type this!

one thing that has always interested me when i'm watching tv is the target audience to which the commercials between the show cater. during football you'll see commercials for hair loss remedies, during midday soap operas are the commercials for pine-sol and windex. these make sense, technically. guys watch football, guys have hair loss issues. supposedly the only people who watch soaps are housewives (this i have somewhat of an issue with...) who need cleaning supplies. i am currently watching sex and the city at midnight on a thursday. apparently whoever it is that chooses the audience appropriate commercials thinks the people who watch sex and the city at midnight on thursday nights are those who would call a singles hotline like lava life, quest, or 1-800-phone-sex. well, to those people i say: nay. you are wrong. just because i am watching this show at midnight on a thursday does not mean i am lonely and have no love life. it means i have work tomorrow morning and i like this show. so, commercial gurus, thanks but no thanks.

33 min treadmill and 15 elliptical + crunches.

zach comes tomorrow night but then goes to ny sat. hopefully i will get allll my laundry done on sat :)

back then, just like now, i got hung up on knowing someone.

also i realized this a little bit ago - my dad doesn't know my new address. what if he tries to send me a birthday card (with money inside)?

haha. i am reading through very old other blog posts and they are really making me...laugh? sort of. many years ago a boy made me ask "what am i going to do with my life, literally?"

HAHAHA. wow. wowwww. the nice thing is that it was so long ago, the hurt and pain is so far removed i really don't feel emotion reading over it. there is a song by the band Howling Bells (sam told me about them and they really are great) in which the lyrics go "broken bones may hurt but a broken heart will never mend." i actually don't agree with that at all. broken hearts do mend. i know because that boy, all those years ago, broke my heart. and now..it's fine.

i once had chinese food with a boy. sitting next to him on a couch after eating, i opened a fortune cookie that read "stop searching, happiness is right next to you." if fortune cookies were honest it would have said "run away now before he causes you more trouble than he's worth."

poss best workout to date. 35 min on treadmill (prob 6 - 8 of which were walking), 35 on elliptical, crunches. tried doing something w/ exercise ball, no idea if it went well.

it was weird last night, it was the first time i was that sad in 3 weeks. it didn't last long though and now i'm fine again.

and zach's coming this weekend!!

i'll tell you what i don't need. i don't need to be awake right now. tonight is the first night i have felt sad. i had to get up. there is no one online to talk to.

really good workout. elliptical for 25 min, bike for 40!!! pretty damn good. and crunches. and the result? my head feels more clear than when i went and i feel more energized. awesome.

1. also, i think i never knew you. i sort of knew you. i knew your style and your habits and how you spoke, but i didn't know you. it was that stuff from the past that put the gap between us and the wall was never broken down. and you didn't really care to know me.

2. you knew me. and i knew you. that didn't make it healthy. we are certainly better off not knowing each other.

3. you suck. but i should probably be thanking you for saving us a lot of trouble, and a lot of pain, that we might have gone through. i wanted you to know me and i wanted to know you, but some things were not meant to be.

4. i am not alone. there are people who know me. i can call them whenever i want. seeing them may be a little more difficult, but not impossible.

oh and p.s. when they say "stay in school" they don't mean don't drop out of school. they mean don't graduate. and if you do have to graduate, make sure you always have more school to go to.

i used to be much more poetic. i am only 22 and i feel that i used to be better than i am. more artistic, more talented (at drawing, writing). what does that say for my future? anything?

this is from four years ago and i like it. i reposted it two years ago also:

I can't exactly describe the feeling of listening to this music, but I can try. It's the squinty-eyed feeling I've spoken of before. Yes, it's weird music, but it speaks to me. Suddenly, the dark shadows of the trees against the midnight-blue sky have a new meaning. It makes me want to look into people's souls. Read their minds, and connect with them. I love the movie effect it gives, too. I know I've written about it before, but I can't help it. There is no outside noise - just people and their thoughts and actions.

I want to know why. I want to know the small "whys", like why that man over there looks like he wants nothing to do with that woman leaning her head on his shoulder. Maybe he just lost his job. Or his mom. Or they have a bad relationship. All I can do is wonder. Perhaps I'll do one of my rambles if I get around to it. I want to know more universal "whys", like why women want men who treat them badly, and why everything can't be beautiful and floaty and quiet and soft all the time. Like why there has to be harshness of any kind. And why that man over there just picked his nose. Someone's almost always watching you, especially in public places.

And the mood is broken by a phone call.

what if we all did what we dreamed? what if, for our careers, instead of settling or picking a job we thought would pay us better than the one we really wanted to pursue, we went for our dreams and got them?

i guess if everyone got to do what they dreamed our world wouldn't function as well. we'd have no janitors or people working in factories. but maybe everyone would be so happy they either wouldn't care or wouldn't mind pitching in to help with the things no one did. maybe i'm just being idealistic with that thought.

it's hard because i feel like so many of my friends have a niche they fit into so well. or they at least have some sort of goal or plan. since fred inspired me to write this post i will use him as an example. he's going to law school, he wants to be a politician. first off, fred please don't be a politician. they are all sleazy and i don't think you'll be able to singlehandedly change it, or become successful without being sketchy. at least he's got a plan, though, which is more than i can say for myself right now. fred loves sports. fred is really good at talking about sports, especially during sports games. he would make a good sportscaster. i don't know if this is a dream of his and he is settling for law school, but this just really made me think about settling for jobs vs. trying to accomplish our dreams. why does it seem that going for our dreams is so much harder than about a million other jobs we could settle for? sometimes even settling is not easy. sometimes to get the jobs we don't really want but will pay us well we have to go through school, suffer through shit jobs first, or start at the bottom of the food chain and work our way up. why do we put so much work into the jobs we don't necessarily want and toss our dreams aside? why does this world teach us that we should be practical and throw away our dreams?

my dream is to be that cool indie girl singer in her own band who also collaborates on other projects with cool indie guys and they sing together. my real future = ???

i think i have a problem getting past the music thing. i am so used to being around to musicians and drawn to them that non-musicians confuse me. how can music not be your life?

music keeps me going at work every day. lately my mission has been to go through all my music on my 30 gig ipod and figure out what to get rid of to make room for all the new music i've been acquiring. i have a ton of artists on there with only one song. some of them are pretty cool and i'm glad to be discovering them, while others simply need to go and have been wasting space on my ipod this whole time. it's pretty fun and a nice thing to do while i'm working.

so i guess my point is that i need to look past whether someone is really into music or not and see them for what kind of person they are. the latter has been something i tend to cast aside in the past, preferring those who share my passion for music and, more importantly, similar musical tastes as mine. stupid stupid stupid. and it has gotten me nowhere particularly good, so here's to looking past a passion for music to the rest of the qualities a person can have.

sometimes when i walk places i construct my next blog post in my head. i know that sounds lame.

i saw a couple holding hands as i was walking back from work and thought "eh, it's not all it's cracked up to be".

last night i watched scotland, pa with one of the guys across the hall. weird movie, but pretty good. my neighbor - chris - seems nice. after the movie we got into a talk about religion, which i always find interesting. i liked his views. he also said i could use his washing machine which is huge b/c i have only done my laundry once since i moved. gross, i know. (i have washed some things in the sink, but not many.)

so anyway, that was cool. (<--what a waste of a sentence). i was planning on making this post longer but i think i'll clean my apt for an hour and then go to the gym.

the weather has been beautiful now for three days. it's supposed to go back to death weather tomorrow, but this sudden warmth has put me in the best mood :) it's easier to get out of bed when it's warm. i don't mind walking to work as much. i even sat out in rittenhouse yesterday during my lunch hour and read harry potter. being able to do that in january is a joy i can't explain. so, going to the gym and hopefully running again.

just got back from the gym. i was only there for about half an hour. 27 min on the treadmill, running almost the whole time. at one point i felt like i was gonna vom which i think is cause i ate dinner pretty soon before going. but then i picked it back up. my knee didn't even hurt. now i have to stretch and poss do crunches.

i decided i want one lhasa apso and one husky, with blue eyes.

also, i realized something i do when i first start to get to know people is try to connect with them musically. in the past this has not necessarily led me to the right people, but it is what i'm passionate about so i guess it makes sense that it's something i try to connect with someone about. i also try to gauge if we have similar tastes, and am inevitably more drawn to those who share my musical tastes. that is all for now.

this is a very good sum-up of atlantic city:

"car bombs, ice throwing / chewing, Mariah karaoke, bad beats, Word, bananas of lies, pileons, couch forts, pool break-ins, damage control, psychic urination." (minus the last one)

to expand on that...

adrian came to get me with 3 of his friends from trinity: alex, sergio and erin. it was kind of awkward at first cause i had only met sergio before but not the other two. the awkwardness didn't last too long, though. we got to our (first) room and there was a JACUZZI IN THE ROOM!!!!! adrian decided that we should probably move to a room with more beds, though, because there was only one king sized bed, one couch, and only one bed in the other room. alas. it really is sad that we didn't keep that room. it would have been so awesome to have a jacuzzi, but we still had an awesome time. after we went to our new room we went to the irish pub and had a few drinks. i had only had a bowl of cereal so needless to say the drinks got to me more quickly than normal. we went to dinner at wellington and i had clam chowder and lamb, and we had some wine. i also got a cosmo which was pretty much straight vodka so i couldn't even drink it. next we gambled a bit - some blackjack and then some poker. adrian's dad had given us each vouchers so we could play which was pretty awesome. blackjack was $25 to bet, so i started with $100 but every time i won i put a chip in my bag for safe keeping. when i ran out of my initial $100 i was done and then we played poker. i didn't win any hands cause a) my hands sucked and b) i played pretty conservatively. the closest i came to a good hand was like A-10 but the flop was like...Q-J-J or something. it didn't get much better (for me) after that so i lost pretty big on that. after that i think we went to sign up for karaoke (including songs such as fuck you gently by tenacious d, mariah carey, sung by alex, and don't stop believing by journey, sung by yours truly). the wait was really long so i think at that point we went back to irish pub, had some drinks, had some car bombs.

by this point we were a decent amt of drinks in and having a great time. we did karaoke which was a blast (throwback: the time during the summer with the guy who sang POISSANNNNNNN was pretty sweet..). meghan and sam got there pretty late and i think we went BACK to irish pub for a 3rd time and had more drinks (and car bombs). who knows what time it was by this point, but we went back to the room. somehow the bed i had put my stuff on/tried to claim was bogarted. at this point alex and i decided we wanted to go swimming so we ended up running around the casino, sans shoes, trying to break into the hotel pool (which was obviously closed). we got pretty close, up to the last set of doors, but no dice. we tried a number of different other tactics, including getting in from outside, trying to break into the first room we were in (using the old key cards...this would have worked but when we opened the first door we heard people in the room with jacuzzi so we bolted), and going to the front desk to see if there were ANY rooms open with jacuzzis. with no shoes on, the whole time. it was so fun and hilarious and despite being scared that if we actually got into the pool we'd immediately be arrested..it was awesome. while we were running around we ran into sam and sergio and tried to get them to come with us but they didn't, and we also saw meghan and steph but we kind of kept going on our mission.

there was lots of random ice eating/throwing...we stood in the stairwell at one point trying to see who could drop a piece of ice the farthest without hitting a railing. this was probably around 5 am. then meghan and sam got in a fight... i won't write much about that here cause it's not my story to tell. needless to say meghan was upset. she went into her room at one point and when she came back out she didn't have the key card with her so we were pretty much stuck outside for an hour or two. alex and i sat in the little in between area and talked (cause what's AC without deep talks and heart to hearts?). after a bit we went to find meghan who was sitting at the window by the elevators. we sat and talked to her for a while, watched the sun rise, and then decided maybe bed was a good idea around 7 or 7:30. finally after banging on the room ryan/steph/taylor were in, they opened the door and gave us the key card. since there were no beds i made a couch fort (aka took the cushions from the couch and put them on the floor...) and slept on that, using towels as blankets b/c there were no extras. not the most comfortable thing ever, but definitely more comfortable than the cushion-less couch alex slept on. i don't think we actually went to sleep til 8:30...we listened to enya for a while which was def soothing but when you stay up that late you're kind of not tired anymore.

the next morning we had brunch and then drove back. i took a nap but only for about an hour and a half.

so anyway, that was the crazy ass trip to ac. seriously just fucking crazy. loved it.

hollllyyyy crap. that pretty much sums up this past trip to atlantic city.

this is how life goes, i suppose. this is why i know i'm really not ok. but i will be ok. i will get there, i have to. i'm just not there now. i have to follow my own steps to change.

i just read over a bunch of old blog posts seeing where and when i mentioned chris, since he found my private blog who knows how long ago and has been reading it ever since. reading over old posts made me sad about other things. i sometimes grieve for the past. for the mistakes, but also for the joy and happiness i experienced, not knowing how it would turn out.

like frankie said, "i have to look back to move forward." so, as i sit here very sad, i still know it will be ok. i have not felt that it will be ok for a while. that i can say that with tears streaming down my face is empowering in a way. i also feel alone. it's hard when you try to reach out and people either don't respond, or they are watching a movie and will talk to you later. sometimes later doesn't cut it. often, in fact. when you need someone you need them when you reach out. not tomorrow. not in a few days.

i changed the url of this blog because too many exes were reading it. it's time to start over. time to get them out of my life. i need to be able to say things that i just can't say when i know they are reading.

ah well, i'm dumb for not turning permissions on. they didn't used to have it and i don't know when it started. probably a while ago. probably long enough ago that i wish i had discovered it sooner. ah well.

haha. a true friend does not read your private blog this whole time and not tell you. but, maybe we never were true friends. maybe i just wanted to believe it. one thing i can say is that i don't need to defend myself to people who aren't my true friends. i guess it's better late than never that we cut this off.

i really have been through a lot of changes this past year. more than your average bear usually has to deal with. and right now, i feel pretty empowered. i'm still here. here i am! i don't know what has been making me feel happy lately, but i have been. maybe the combination of eating better and exercising more, i don't know. i'm about to make a change and i hope it doesn't make me unhappy. i hope it makes me back to how i was.

just kidding one more. shit i need to be in bed.

dear at&t: you did not get me to switch to your phone company, but you did introduce me to amos lee. so thank you. i will join you in a year, but not because of amos lee. that will be because of the iphone. ;-)

last post before i go to bed. here's a secret: i don't like sharing a toothbrush.

also, i ran last night on the treadmill for like 25 minutes. well there was some walking too. then elliptical, then crunches.

true friends will tell you when they think you're making a mistake, stand by you even while you're making it, and won't say "i told you so" when you realize they were right.

my aunt says we can change. we really can, if we try.

chris has always said people don't change.

i think i believe my aunt, but it really takes a lot. people don't just change inadvertently in a drastic way. it often takes something, something big, to make a person change. it's different for everyone. for some it may take being in love to truly change. maybe a person would do something for their loved one that they would never have done before. for some it may be falling out of love that makes them change, for others having their heart broken may be the trigger. for still others love may not enough. maybe it's money that motivates them. often, the desire to not be like one's parents can motivate someone to change, as can the desire to have a different path in life than what they foresee for themselves. i wonder if to change it takes something so big that you just crack and you really decide you cannot be the same as you have been. no. reading that sentence over again i can say that people do also change gradually, without noticing it.

i guess there's a difference in the two, though. changing because you want to versus changing inadvertently. the latter takes no effort whatsoever, whereas the former really takes strength, determination, and the ability to realize what it is you need or want to change. some people are too lazy or too immature to change, and this is where chris is right. there are also those who are arrogant, cocky and self-absorbed, who are too high up on the pedestal on which they put themselves to ever believe they need to change. but there are those who, whether accidentally or on purpose, see past themselves, see past the way things have been, the way they have been, and want to strive to grow. it's these people that really have to commit to being what they want to be and not what they are. i guess the steps are:

1. acknowledging you need to change
2. realizing exactly what it is you want to change
3. committing to changing
4. figuring out how to change yourself
5. doing it

*****

Most importantly, I have to find my niche. Or get a hobby, like join a choir or something.

ATLANTIC CITY IT IS!! YEAHHH BABY!!!!!

hahaha love this domino's commercial:

guy: "you know, the domino's lady said we have 30 minutes..." (wink wink, sexy stare, sexy lean against the doorpost)
girl: blank stare
guy: suddenly dressed in short red robe. random but funny.
girl: blank stare again. "what are we gonna do with the other 28 minutes?"

HAHAH. love it.

1. it is frigid out. this is the weather i can't stand. it is not just cold, it is bitter.
2. when is h&m going to start an online shopping deal?
3. i think the victoria's secret semi annual sale is now in stores, maybe i'll check it out after work (even though i've bought enough from there recently).
4. i need to get more sleep.

having now looked up everything i can remember from my dream, i feel that i can successfully interpret it. pretty awesome dream, after my analysis (thanks dreammoods.com).

last night i had what could have been a bad dream, but it ended well. this is the first dream that could have turned nightmare that had a happy ending in the longest time. i am so used to having nightmares that this dream is shocking to me. i was on a beach with friends and as two of us were standing in the water the current was pulling us deeper and deeper. with my friends' help i was pulled out of the ocean and we all climbed sideways on a rock wall to safety, despite the huge waves crashing on us. and everything was fine. how...novel.

i'm watching a show on TLC about dwarves. they are under 3 feet tall and they are 13 years old, and they have really high pitched voices and deformed bodies and i feel so bad for them. there are like 100 of them in the whole world. i am so thankful i am not a dwarf. i feel so bad for them.

so much for a nap. i laid down for about 5 minutes with the song "honey pie" by the beatles stuck in my head before giving up on sleeping. it sucks because i was a straight up zombie for the first half of the day, but then when i finally get a chance to sleep i can't. i don't really feel that tired anymore anyway. i think i will go to the spinning class tonight, even though it will take some forcing myself b/c for some reason i am still reluctant. i'd almost rather run/elliptical. but the spinning is different than what i normally do and i like that there is someone there always keeping you pumped.

my order from victoria's came today which means i don't have to do laundry for another 10 days. well, i am running out of socks pretty rapidly. maybe i'll just buy some more. i've been contemplating either visiting the laundromat, which i really don't want to do, or asking my neighbors if i can use theirs if i pay them.

as far as this weekend goes i have to now choose between AC or NY. there's a party i'd love to go to in nyc but AC is more of a once in a while opportunity, whereas i can go to nyc any weekend i want. dilemmas dilemmas.

I have a few more resolutions:

- Don't be so defensive
- Realize I don't know everything
- Be more open-minded
- Be less rigid (this one is a four out of four stars in importance)
- Realize that other people don't use the same thought processes I use
- can't write it in here

In 2007 I...

...graduated from college
...got a real job, with benefits and a 401(k)
...found an apartment and moved downtown
...reconnected with my aunt and cousins
...lived in willow grove, briefly
...worked at cc, shamefully
...wrote a 19 page paper in spanish about the health care system in spain vs. in the US
...wrote an 8 page paper in spanish on the tango
...learned to play tabla
...got better at sitar
...got guitar hero 1, 2 and 3 and got pretty good at it
...had a new years party in my apartment
...kept secrets
...told the truth
...got in fights
...made some really hard decisions
...learned that i am stronger than i thought i was
...learned that i can do more than i ever thought i could
...learned more about my limits
...learned about patents and trademarks, and how to docket
...really enjoyed christmas
...had regrets
...learned from my mistakes
...made new friends
...lost some friends
...ran with a knee brace and did not have pain in my knee afterwards for the first time
...had some really awesome times

I have not made new years resolutions for the past few years, with the reasoning that I can resolve to change any day of the year, not just the first day of the year. This year, however, I really like the idea of starting fresh and making some serious changes. My new years resolutions are as follows:

- Eat better and go to the gym. This includes running, which I will hopefully be able to do now that I have a knee brace.
- Have better self-control and willpower. This will affect me in every area of my life: work, all of my relationships, and even my goal to be healthier.
- Not let anyone else have more control over my emotions than I do. I am my own boss and I dictate how I feel. If I feel like someone is making me crazy, they need to not be in my life.
- Be less selfish with those that matter.
- Get rid of the things from my life that do not make me happy.
- Really work out the habits/attitudes of mine that I do not want to continue and find a way to change them.
- Have fun. Be light.

watching my super sweet 16 and the format played at the party. awesome.