Ohhhh snap. Last post of 2004. This is weird.

This year I am not making resolutions. They are almost always the same, and I usually never keep half or more of them. So this year, I know what I need to do to improve myself, my life and the things around me, and I will not resolve to fix them, per se. I will just do what I have to do.

I will do a 2004 in review at some point, probably when I get back from Newport. I'll have a lot of time up there to think about the past year.

Hope everyone's 2005 is better than 2004, and that everyone I know and care about stays happy and healthy.

Having actually been out of my house the past two nights I am feeling a lot better. Interacting with people is fun!

Yesterday my mom and I went to the mall. I love the mall. We went to H&M where I got two shirts, Claire's (this place is so middle school it's not even funny. Ok, it's actually very funny) where I got three pairs of cheap ass earrings on buy two pairs get one free, and Radio Shack where I got a battery charger and batteries for my camera. Wet Seal was extremely disappointing, as was Express. It's ok though, cause yesterday we went to Old Navy and I got three shirt/sweater things there since all my long sleeve shirts are actually for summer and thus aren't warm.

I'm gonna go watch the two movies I rented that are due back today. Hopefully tonight will continue the trend of not sitting around at home.

What is it they say? The idle mind is the Devil's plaything? Something along those lines.

I don't know about that, but I don't like being idle. My mom said I should just enjoy being bored. But I don't I need action. I start to crave it; I am addicted. Addicted to doing things, instead of just sitting around on my ass most of the time. Break's not even halfway over and I'm ready to be done. I hope it'll be different in Newport. It will be different in Newport, because we can shop and whatnot, but there if there's nothing to do...somehow it's more ok. Because it's not like I could be doing other things and I'm not, which is the case here.

I just watched Cold Mountain with my mom, and I'd like to say the following:

I want those two and a half hours of my life back. Please. I know it was a book first so I can't get mad at the directors or whoever wrote the script. But I can get mad at whoever decided it would be a good movie. Yes, I thought Jude Law was great in it, as was Renee Zelwegger and the rest of the cast. But bloody hell, come on. It was the most depressing thing, from beginning to end. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I strongly caution you, nay, demand that you not see this movie. Unless you like heartache, gratuitous violence, and unhappy endings. Then it's right up your alley.

This is to my "great" uncle. I put "great" in quotes because technically he is my "great uncle" (my grandmother's brother), but there is nothing great about him at all.

This is to you, Uncle Sidney. I hope you find this, since God knows all you do is spend your whole day online. You have nothing better to do with your life.

I want to send you an email, but my entire family has told me I can't do that. "It's simply not right for you to talk to your elders like that."

In my email I wouldn't have cursed you out or outright called you a douchebag, though you are and you deserve all the cursewords I know.

I would have said something along these lines:

Uncle Sidney,

I think it is completely inappropriate that you would give my cousins presents for the holidays and for their birthdays and not me. This is not about the presents, but about the fact that you are trying to punish me. You are a horrible person [ok, so maybe I would have left that out of any real email], and I just thought you should know that. You live out in the boonies because you can't be around people, since you have no social skills whatsoever. You probably eat your dog's food and let it eat your dinner, and you probably sleep on the floor and let your dog have your bed. But that doesn't mean you're nice, or selfless by any means.

The last time you were here was probably five years ago for your double knee replacement surgery. You brought your dog and set up camp in our living room. I helped you out I'm sure, especially by walking your dog for you, since you couldn't walk well.

Since you've been here you've sent me one or two presents for the holidays. Once it was a flashlight, another time a watch, which I never actually got because it got mixed up in the shuffle at my cousins' house. But recently, as in about a year or more ago, you decided that I had done something to offend you, and you were no longer giving me any presents. The only thing I could have possibly done to offend you would be to stick up for my mom when you insulted her, as you frequently did when you were here. You would comment on how noise sensitive she was an how annoying it was, or something of that sort, and I would defend her. How dare you insult my mom to my face. Who do you think you are? God? You're not.

In any case, none of that happened between the time you sent me that flashlight and watch and now, or last year. But you just got it in your mind that you were going to leave me out, ON PURPOSE, out of spite. Fuck you, you bitter, old, ignorant, hateful man. Screw you and the fuck-head ship you rode in on. You are so inappropriate for doing this. Fuck you for hurting me. I am a child in comparison to you. Why can't you act like an adult?

I guess I will just add you to the list of shitty men in my family (namely my father).

In conclusion, you can now go suck a fatty. Or suck your dog's dick, you stupid stupid fuck.

It's pretty nice when you can look back on a time of bitterness and jealousy and realize that you're so over it. That you've not only caught up, but are lightyears ahead. In a completely different world and it just doesn't matter. :)

I didn't even realize it until just now, but the 22nd, which is usually a bad day for me, was a great day this month.

Last year during winter break, and again in May, I wrote a post about everything I learned in the past semester. It’s that time again.

This semester I found again that I learned a lot more outside the classroom than inside it. Though I do feel I learned a lot, possibly the most out of my three semesters at college. (Ahh, when I put it that way it feels like I have a lot more time left.)

I’ve learned that playing with fire will get you burned, and that there is no way to make everyone happy all the time. Sometimes it’s impossible not to hurt people, as much as you try not to.

I’ve finally realized that there will always be another party, which means it’s ok if I don’t party every night. I’ve learned to buckle down when I really need to, and I’ve learned a bit about what methods of studying work for me (writing things down).

I’ve learned that I can no longer function well with less than seven hours of sleep a night, and that if I don’t take care of myself I’m going to get sick (what was it, three colds this semester?)

I’m able to finally sleep without earplugs or music, but I still have trouble falling asleep when it’s not dark enough.

I can sing a lot better than I could last year. I was listening to a song we sang last year, fall semester, and singing my background part. I realized that the part, which at one point was too high for me to sing in my chest voice, now seems low in my range.

I’ve learned that I still have no idea what I want to do with my future, and that still freaks me out. I still hate the question “so, what do you want to be?” just as much as I hate “so, what’s your major?”

I’ve realized that things can’t stay in limbo forever. So if I’m stressing about something and can’t make a decision, if I wait it out I will make a choice. Hopefully the right one.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my no bullshit policy is hard to uphold, especially when so many other people are full of bullshit. And especially when I don’t bullshit and other people don’t accept what I say as the truth.

I’ve learned that regrets can come way after the fact. Something you might not regret right after you do it or even a month after you do it…you may end up regretting it later on.

I’ve learned that I can still get ok to good grades with a minimal level of work.

I’ve discovered that sometimes you might think you can read someone really well, that you actually know them, but you don’t. There are whole dimensions under there that we never see.

I’ve decided that prayer works. I’m not sure what I do and don’t believe when it comes to religion, but that prayer is one thing that is for real. Someone’s listening, you just have to ask.

I’ve learned that fortune cookies can either be eerily correct, or way too vague and nonsensical.

I’ve learned that I don’t really have a desire to be far away from home. I probably won’t go abroad for reasons beyond my control, but I don’t know how upset I am by that. I understand it’s “freeing” to be in a place where no one knows anything about you and you can be whoever you want, but I already feel free. I am the real me with most people at school, especially my close friends. I don’t feel the need to go away for three or four months and “find myself” or “be free,” though it would be a nice thing to do over the summer or a vacation, with people I know.

I’ve also learned that my brain does not retain much information from semester to semester. I vaguely remember that once I took chemistry, and I think I took an acting class and some legal studies class. But I couldn’t tell you in much depth what I learned from any of them.

I’ve decided that the state of my room generally reflects the state of my life. While this is not an absolute truth, when my room is in a great state of disarray, it generally matches the times when my life is in such a state. Cleaning my room is a great way to make me feel like I have more control over things. I guess that’s why neat freaks do it.

Academicallywise I’ve learned some German. I’ve also learned that I can’t continue with it right now, seeing as how whenever I couldn’t think of a word I wanted to use in German I would think of it in Spanish, and even one time wrote “und” instead of “y” in a Spanish composition. Oh, and some teachers just looooove giving out extra credit points. Those are very helpful.

I’ve also learned a ton of music theory. I now know when I’m playing guitar why a D and an A chord or a C and a G chord sound good together, and why certain chords don’t. I’ve learned intervals, cadences, part writing, and all kinds of other crazy shit that I am excited to know.

With regards to Spanish I’ve learned that, well, I really need to do more work in this subject if it’s going to be my major. My Spanish class taught me that I can’t stand repetition too much because it just gets so boring. Variety is the spice of life. I did learn some Spanish grammar, and distinciones lexicales.

But best of all, I now know who Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Dizzy Gillespie, Charlie Parker, Ornette Coleman, Jelly Roll Morton, Thelonius Monk, and yes, even Louis Armstrong are. Before my jazz class I’d probably have recognized two or three of those names. Now I can name their songs and recognize them, while simultaneously (ok, maybe not actually simultaneously) telling you about different styles of jazz and the who, what, where, how (maybe when?) of good old jazz music. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

I have yet to learn patience. I can’t handle suspense, and I can’t handle being away for long periods of time.

Laundry still sucks but I've learned that the more often you do it, the less bad it will be. Doesn't mean I do it often, just means I learned that.

And the kicker: that procrastination thing. I can’t seem to get rid of that, though I am proud to say I am moving in the right direction. This past semester I’ve been known to start compositions earlier than the night before they’re due, and once I even went to bed at midnight and got up at 8 the next morning to do work for an hour and a half.

I’ve still got some work to do, but I think I’ve come a long way. I think.

One of the most amusing things to me is when I go back in my blog a year or two ago exactly to see what I was doing and I am doing the same exact thing as I was then. Right now is a prime example:

I was reading old posts, as I like to do occasionally, and I read one about how I was sitting at the computer blogging, because I didn't feel like getting ready for bed. Funny, cause that's exactly what's going on right now.

- Beetle Bum gave her two cents on 12/24/2003 12:36:21 AM

Two years ago is far less interesting, in that I was not doing the same exact thing. Wait...does that make it more interesting?

For all the changes I've gone through, I still do a lot of things the same way as I used to. Habit's a bitch to change.

After having gorged on Chinese food, I am completely stuffed and feel gross. At least I ran this morning so I can feel marginally less guilty than I would have otherwise felt. Browsing peoples' profiles I found this. It's the 10 Commandments of College. Not all true, but funny nonetheless.

Since I've gotten home, all I've felt like doing is eating and sleeping. Nothing else. I got 9 1/2 hours of sleep the first night I was home, and last night almost 10 hours. Yet I wake up more tired than the day before. I think it's actually from getting too much sleep, which is depressing.

I am quite bored right now. And tired. I feel like going into my grandparents' room and taking a nap on their extremely comfortable temper pedic mattress.

Geek moment: My grandmother got a new computer. It's called an emachine. I've never heard of it before, but I want it. She can have mine. It has a 150 GB hard drive, 4 USB ports, a DVD player and DVD R/RW drive, a CD drive (my computer has both of these...but a 60 GB hard drive and 2 USB ports). Oh wait, it also has a USB port on the front of the computer, along with the headphone jack and microphone jack, so it's more accessible. My favorite of all is the memory card microdrives it has. One for CF, one for SD (my digital camera has a CF card). AND A FREAKING 150 GB HARD DRIVE. What the hell? She also just got DSL so it's all nice and fast, and it's got two other drives that do who knows what. It has 512 RAM, but so does my computer.

It's time to go beach myself on the couch.

Maybe titles would make it easier to start my blog entries. You'd get a vague idea of what each post was about, so you could only read the ones that were interesting to you. But this blog isn't really for you, it's for me. And I'd undoubtedly veer from the title, which would potentially confine me to certain topics.

This post will have to be short since my mom and I are about to go out, rent some movies for tomorrow, and pay my grandparents a visit. I hope there's something good for dinner over there.

I finally gathered up enough willpower to use the treadmill my mom bought. I did about 42 min of various things...I think all in all 20 minutes of running and some speedwalking on an incline (yes, I am aware of how lame that sounds/is) and then a little cooldown. I also did crunches last night, and hopefully will do them again tonight. I was going to try to eat healthy but then I had some mac and cheese my aunt made for lunch. It's so thick and it hits you like a lead block once it's in your stomach, but it's just so delicious. She also gave my mom cookies, so I've been enjoying those.

Oh! I didn't write about the Nutcracker on Tuesday night. It was awesome, I really enjoyed it. That's all I really have time to say right now, but maybe a more in depth (translate: boring to anyone but me) story of the past week or so will come later. Or maybe not.

Lately I've been referring to everything as a game. I'll say "I don't like this game" or "I'm good at this game," when in fact it's not a game at all. It's not something I've been trying to do actively, but I like the mentality. It's fun to view everything as a game. Because games are meant to be fun, more or less. Even bad things, when viewed as a game, seem less heavy and important.

On another note, why is tonight so boring?

One of the many wonders of blogs is how helpful they are, especially in times when one wants to procrastinate. Times like now.

I am sitting here working on my music theory final project. I'd like it to be done by tonight so I can go to the gym and then go downtown tomorrow. We'll see if this happens.

As of yesterday or maybe the day before, I am on freak out mode about my future. How am I meant to know what I want to do with my entire life two years from now? That is so much pressure, and I don't think I can handle it. How do people decide this? How does everyone else not get so weighed down by the possibilities? I have a fear that I'll pick something, decide I hate it, and I won't be able to change it by the time I want to. I am so sheltered, and I love it. I am afraid to leave that. I love security. I mean, come on, I go to college half an hour away from home. It's perfect because I can believe that I am independent and on my own, but who pays all my bills? Whose credit card am I using? Who pays for my college tuition? Not me. And if I ever need her, my mom is not only a phone call away, but a train ride away too. There are so many things for which I feel so unprepared.

The real world scares me.

Maybe I will be ready in two more years, but the thought of all that coming down on me freaks me the hell out.

Oh hey, what's up?

This is a post out of sheer boredom and procrastination. I can't focus to study for my two finals (german, then theory) tomorrow. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just studied. Like, a lot. I am rewriting my music theory notes into a consolidated version of vocab terms I need to know. I have a little less than a month's worth of notes left (about 7 full pages or so) and I already have almost 7 full pages of just terms. After that I'll still need to go through old tests, quizzes and worksheets, and try to do some listening to make sure I can identify chords and intervals and the like. I still have to finish my practica music crap, which is impossible. It's chord progressions and I am so bad at hearing them. And if you get enough things wrong on each turn they start taking points away. Grrrr.

I have a german final on the same day as my theory final (this Wed). I haven't even started studying for german. Sweet lord.

Plus my music theory final project is due Friday. Clearly I will be working on that all day Thursday. What fun.

I love my mommy.

In other news, I just studied for 3 hours and am soon going back for more. Woo hoo for being productive (and it's never really as bad as I dread it will be).

That last part was more of a note to self for next time I am procrastinating doing work or studying.

I wrote this on the train ride home today.

~ 1:30 p.m.

I have to write about this now, it can't wait. I am on the train and the conductor just charged a woman $5 for a train ticket.

Anyone who rides trains regularly knows, or should know if they have any brains, that there is a $2 surcharge for buying a ticket on the train when you get on at a stop that has an open ticket office.

The woman who was charged $5 threw a conniption fit. "Are you serious? It's three dollars!" She said in a raised voice, so as to draw as much attention to her as possible. "I take the train regularly and I've never been charged $5 before!!"

She talked up a storm (to herself) about how this was not right, she was going to get the conductor's name and report him. I watched this all transpire, knowing the woman was a fool and that the conductor was in the right. But I said nothing. Why should I? I am four seats back, and I was sure someone else, closer to stupid woman, knew the rule.

Finally, an asian woman explained in broken english The Rule Of The $2 Surcharge. Dun dun dun.

The first woman was stunned. She'd never heard that rule. She mumbled something along the lines of "that's ridiculous" and then stopped her bitching and moaning.

Throughout all this the conductor remained completely calm, never flinching, never raising his voice. The power of knowing that you're right is a wonderful thing.

Halfway through the asian woman's explanation of The Rule to the idiot woman, I took out my ipod and put on American Analog Set. I drowned out the voices of stupidity and reason, though I could see the two women talking. It was very soundtrack-ish, and I enjoyed it.

I always feel like a character in a TV show or a movie when I ride the train. There's something about it that makes me think. Something that makes me search for reason and logic. All the different kinds of people that ride the train make me wonder. I love to watch them, even when they're doing nothing but sitting with headphones on, listening to music. People can be really fascinating.

"The fat shrieking toddlers, their useless mothers, creeps who move in close...all take the train home." - Camilla (plug)

American Analog Set reminds me of Pinback.

Sooo flustered today.

The past few days have been awesome awesome. It was worth saying twice. Three times, even. Awesome.

This is going to sound so dumb and so cliched I almost don't want to write it. Almost.

Do you ever feel like something's missing? Just that last puzzle piece that will make everything just right, but it's not in the box and it's not blending in with the carpet. And you know exactly what it looks like, but you just can't figure out where the hell you put it. Is it evading you on purpose? Maybe a little mouse or bug came and carried it away when you weren't looking.

Yesterday was such a bad day, starting around 1:30 a.m. when I saw a mouse in my room as I was trying to do a spanish composition. I freaked out, and didn't end up getting to bed until 4, and that was only after I had laid 6 glue traps down to catch the thing (the only way I would be able to fall asleep in my room).

I woke up yesterday around 9:30 for class. I had a sore throat and a backache and my spanish composition was not done. I had skipped the class on Tuesday too so I didn't want to skip again. I called my mom and asked for her advice, since I couldn't make the decision on my own for some reason. She said to skip class, so I slept in til 12. Got up, finished my composition (which I think is really good...even though I argued against the side I agree with because it was easier) and went to spanish class. It was an hour and a half of hell. My back hurt so much that I couldn't get comfortable sitting in any position, and I hadn't done the homework cause I spent all my time on the composition and the mouse, so I sat there with my head down hoping she wouldn't call on me. Plus some girl kept looking at me and watching what I was writing, which really pissed me off.

I got back to my house at 4, ate some, and around 5 laid down, read a little, then turned off the light to take a nap. I laid there for about 5 minutes and then I heard some noise coming from the floor. I figured it was the mouse running around so I turned the light on. It was the mouse...caught in one of the traps. At first I was really happy, but then I looked at it. It was not much bigger than my thumb, and its teeny little face was caught in the glue, as was its tail and all its feet. It was struggling to get out every now and then, but for the most part it was just laying there, motionless. I started to cry. Me, who chastized my housemates for crying about a stupid mouse caught in a stupid glue trap. But this cute, teeny little thing was stuck and I felt so bad for it.

After that I couldn't go back to sleep, so I just sat around in pain because of my back for a while. The night was ok after that, except for extreme back pain.

Ahh Lifehouse just came on. Oh memories of 11th grade.

I'm telling you, two is a bad number for me.

---

I almost wrote a chapter about you. Haha. If I wrote it now its title would be "What happened?" or "Where did it all go wrong?" or something of the sort. Haha.

---

This day started being bad around 1:30 or 2 a.m. when I saw a mouse in my room.

Now I have a backache and I skipped jazz today and I didn't get to bed til after 4 and I am fighting a cold. Boo to this day.

I just found this and I think it's hilarious:

THE RULES
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
And it's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

As an outsider I feel bad for both parties. I'm sorry you both have to go through this.

Now it's time for my Thanksgiving break in review.

It was great! I was not expecting to have as good a time as I did. Somehow it flew by so fast, but it also feels like it's been a long time since I've been at school, and I'm so excited to go back and see everyone (I know I make it sound as if I've been gone for a few weeks...that's how it feels). Wed night was great - went to Phran's. Thursday was awesome because it was filled with delicious food. Friday was fun because my mom and I went to her office and I got many many office supplies (tons of pens and other goodies), we got my watch fixed, and we dropped my earrings off to be fixed, and Fri night I went to the Pringles' for a while.

Yesterday my mom and I ran errands, and I've convinced her to get me a digital camera for the holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Seriously my life will be complete. It's the Canon Powershot A75. I would've gotten it yesterday but first off today they started a sale where it comes w/ a "free" 128 MB memory card, and my mom has a feeling there will be a price war w/ digital cameras as it gets closer to Christmas. But seriously I am so freaking excited!!!!!! And last night I went to Adrians which was a good time. This morning I hooked up my mom's new printer and her new fax machine, and now all I have left to do is possibly run (I have made a goal to start working out again, due to the fact that the blub blub blub is back with a vengeance), take a nap, shower, and get all my shit together so we can drive back. I get to take my mom's dell printer with me back to school, which is especially exciting because it's also a scanner and a copier!! Now I can scan pictures, finalllllllyyyyy, though I won't need to once I have my digital camera!!

I am really excited to go back and see people. :-D

Since it's Thanksgiving I feel the need to make a brief list of things I am thankful for.

• My family, the only people I know will always care about me and support me when I need it.
  
• More specifically, my mom. I am thankful that she is close to being done this. I am thankful for everything she's done for me and the life I have, which is only the way it is because of her. I am thankful for the fact that when I have a problem she always makes it better. And I am thankful for everything she's taught me.
  
• Also more specifically, my grandparents, who have also helped mold my life into what it is today.
  
• The amazing amazing dinner I had tonight (aka last night as of an hour and a half ago). Turkey, apple sauce, the best stuffing in the entire world ever (I am not exaggerating), asparagus, yams, tea, and cinnamon buns.
  
• For my friends.
  
• For everything I am priveleged enough to have, all the experiences I've had and places I've been.
  
• For all the circumstances that have made me the way I am right now.
  

That's it for now, cause I have to get up at 8:45 to help my mom w/ some stuff.

How sad is it that I'm missing school already and I've only been gone since Wednesday afternoon?

That's not to say that I'm not having a good time here - last night was really fun (went over to Phran's) and dinner tonight was great, plus my mom and I watched Saved! and Stepford Wives (and she watched the third Matrix). Yeah.

Last year I was excited to go home. Now I am not.

I am mopey and sad and I already miss everyone even though not everyone is gone yet. Five days is a long time. Six, even.

I don't want to just sit here and sulk all night. This sucks.

I don't know why I feel so depressed right now but I do. Mopey Magee.

I was just home, too.

Trying to be positive, here are the things I have to look forward to at home:

-Seeing my friends (Meghan will be home....Rachel will be there Saturday night but Tom not at all)
-Help my mom out

---This is making me sad. I don't want to go home.

It makes me sad a little bit when I quote myself from old blog posts. With blatant disregard of that: "I was going to say 'never a dull moment.' Except for right now. This moment is very dull."

I thought it was funny, cause it describes things right now very well.

I am currently blogging out of boredom and procrastination. I am at the beginning chapter nine in the jazz book. I have to read through chapter 13. I don't like reading.

Oh I know! I could do german. No wait, I don't want to do that either. I am bored bored bored bored.

Maybe I will write about my terrible terrible morning and then try to go back to reading. Here goes:

I drove back to school last night and then drove back home today. Last night it took me 25 minutes to get to school. This morning it took me over an hour. Why, you ask? Because the fucking morons who run this city closed every road I wanted to take.

The first road that was closed was 33rd street, right at Spruce, which is where I always turn to go to West River Drive. That meant I had to turn around and go all the way back to 37th street, then go to Market. Fine. I go down 33rd street and go onto the first part of West River Drive. At a light there were some barriers across the road ahead, perhaps implying that the road was closed. But I saw people driving from that direction, so I simply thought it better NOT be closed and drove between a space in the barriers. Naturally it was closed.

Since this had happened to me before and I had taken Kelly Drive home, I figured I'd do the same thing. So I turned around, drove all the way back to Market Street, and headed towards Kelly Drive. Fine. I get to the parkway and there are hoards of people walking around. It was clear that there was some sort of even going on - probably a race, as many of them were wearing running attire (and some weird silver capes, which I don't really understand). As I got to the part of the parkway that spits you onto Kelly Drive I see that there are barricades blocking it off, and all the traffic is being directed elsewhere. Great.

At this point I am freaking out. How am I supposed to get home? I just want to be home, why is this happening?? Seriously, what fucking pea-brained idiots decided it would be a good idea to close both of those roads? Smoke was coming out of my ears I was so mad.

I called my grandmother and got myself completely upset as I drove down some road in the wrong direction. She was going to direct me down some weird back roads all the way home, and I decided I'd just rather go on the expressway, because it would be the easiest thing to do. I ended up back at Market and had to drive back down the street I took to get to Kelly Drive, but turned onto the expressway instead.

Let me interject to say that I have a huge fear of driving on highways. My grandmother was in a car accident a few years ago and since then I have been really aware of how easy it is to get hurt in a car.

Anyway, I had my grandmother stay on the phone (my cellphone has speakerphone so I didn't have to hold on to it while I was driving) while I was on the expressway, and she tried to calm me down.

After the expressway I was going to go on Ridge. But it was closed. Because why would any roads be open in this fucking city? I had to go on Lincoln Drive, which is also not a fun road, but it was like buttah compared to the fucking expressway (which I was fine on, I was just freaked out).

FINALLY after about an hour of that crap I got home, completely flustered and upset.

I now feel the need to bitch to some higher-up about how dumb they are for allowing this to happen. If I had been driving someone to the hospital, they would have died.

Maybe you think this is strange, and maybe you don't do it, but since my junior year of high school, every time I get involved with someone (relationship-wise) I feel that I can predict who will get hurt when it ends. I realize that this is strange: why, at the beginning of something, am I thinking about the end of it? Should I not enter a relationship knowing it will end?

I can't explain it. I have not always been right, but I am generally pretty on target.

Regardless, it seems to go back and forth: I am hurt, the other person is hurt, then me again, etc.

It's a very strange pattern, to say the least.

It's not as if I go into things hoping they'll end; of course I want them to last. But I think I am realistic in realizing that few things last between people my age. We are constantly changing and finding new things we like or don't like, and we graduate, move, transfer, etc. With things being so uncertain in our lives (no matter how much certainty we think we have), I just don't think many things have the ability to last.

I don't think I'm wrong, but I hope I am.

If the scale in the runners' house is five pounds off like they say it is, I am only a pound and a half away from my ideal weight in life.

Last night was fun - Loafers show w/ Breton, his friend Kevin, and this girl Meghan. Fun fun times.

Met w/ an undergrad advisor yesterday. She didn't tell me what to do with my life, but she did start my worksheet.

I also emailed the music undergrad chair and the spanish undergrad chair, and I'm gonna meet w/ the spanish guy next week to talk about majoring in spanish.

Oh life.

My heart is about to pound out of my chest.

[edit]

Just as I am figuring out what I want, which, ironically enough, is the thing I thought I didn't want, I am also coming to the realization that I am not going to get it. Not right now at least. This is one of the many reasons that I am feeling sort of depressed at the moment. I know this is cryptic but I have to be.

I'd like to focus on the positive but I am worn out and am only seeing all the sad things right now.

The show last night was awesome. It is so much fun to be a part of something so awesome and so fun. The party afterwards was fun too, but apparently I missed a bunch of the alumni singing, which I'm bummed about.

My night ended in pretty much the most neutral way possible. There are at least five drastically different ways it could have gone, some of which are not good at all.

I think ferchatted is the best way to describe how I feel right now.

Show 1 of 2 tonight. Went awesomely. It doesn't feel real. I can't believe we actually had a show tonight. We sold out, and we're definitely selling out for tomorrow (I think we have maybe 20 tickets left). This is so much fun.

I am exhausted!

I had to.

Ok, I didn't actually have to at all. But I did. Annnd I shouldn't have, I know it. Curiosity finally won out, though my willpower did last a fairly long time.

I regret it. But not so much that I can't get over it.

You are so ugly. I don't mean you look ugly. I mean you are an ugly person inside. Maybe you are just messed up, you know one of those things where you had some crazy thing happen in your childhood and as a result you are socially fucked now. Fucked. Not just socially.

I only regret it because I hate being reminded of that. And now, more than ever, I'm being reminded of what I don't have. What I myself didn't want and am really starting to want because I think, deep down, I probably always wanted it but didn't know it or didn't acknowledge it. I don't even know what I'm saying. I don't know what I want. I am starting to know what I want more and more. But then I realize that the option isn't even there. It's sort of a take it or leave it situation right now. I just don't know.

You are a bad person. I am less invested in caring, though, because you are a spec and nothing more.

It's a lot more inspiring to blog when you know people are reading...

With that said...it's funny how right after I posted about no one doing anything nice for me, someone did something nice for me. Thanks :)

I'd like to judge this day not by how most of it went, but by how it's ending: not so bad.

I will try to tell a shortened version of the story so I can go to bed.

I got 4 hours of sleep 2 nights ago. Wanted to sleep a lot last night. I was awakened at 10 by a random man opening my door, which I had locked the night before. Turns out he was here to redo the kitchen floor. Supposedly they'd told one of my housemates they were coming at 9:30, but I was never informed. I pretty much bitched at him and said that I needed to sleep and they needed to not be making noise. They said they'd come back at 1. I wanted to get up at 11:30, ended up oversleeping til 12:45. I had two hours to finish arranging Jojo and to do a german composition and shower. I ended up rushing to do all of them, did a crappy job on the composition, got all flustered about jojo because I couldn't figure out how to change something on it or how to get it to print the way I wanted, so I ended up being 15 minutes late to class. Before I got to class I walked by Jason selling tickets on the walk and I showed him something on the arrangement that I couldn't figure out how to change and he thought I was bitching at him so he called me back a minute later and bitched at me. I started to cry and told him that I wasn't trying to have an attitude, and I was so flustered and upset by the time I got to german.

I have a german test tomorrow. I am skipping two classes to study for it. I have to sell tickets on the walk from 10 - 11. In the cold. I am not excited. I am still fighting this cold and I don't want to lose, but sitting outside will not be good for me. I also have to email a spanish composition to my teacher tomorrow and I haven't done it. Might not do it on time. Selling tix 11 - 1 on Friday too.

In theory today I got one of the worst headaches I've ever had ever. It was awful. Then when we were singing I started feeling really shaky and dizzy and thought I might faint. That was not good.

But the day got better after that. I took some Tylenol cold and that made me feel great. I started having fun singing the songs again, and we went over Jojo and I am excited for it. Then I got back and talked to some people online who really comforted me about life.

So now, with all that said, fairly briefly for the way I tell stories, I am off to get ready for bed. Ohhh sweet sweet sleepytime. I think I will fall asleep to Camilla again. Awesome awesomeness.

Also...I am really excited for the show. But also really nervous. I don't think I sound great on my solo. But I will try. Bed now, for serious.

I'm a posting machine tonight. Here's another.

I hate the question "What are you going to do with your life?". It's possibly the worst question out there, excluding "Where do you see yourself in x amount of years?". I used to always answer the last question with a smartass answer: I will be x number of years older.

After I'd gotten accepted to college I was told to fill out a sheet that would be given to my advisor. One of the questions was "where do you see yourself in five years?" My answer: "My magic eight ball says 'Reply Hazy, Try Again'."

...Because when the answer is clear, I will officially be a fortune teller and can then say that in five years I will be making money by telling other people their future.

I won't even delve into the topic of fate and destiny and all that crap.

The quote, which I will botch, goes something like this:

"You have the freedom to choose, but there is no choice."

Oh and btw:

Muse Saturday night was fucking awesome.

And we sang on Y100 today (well....yesterday by the clock) and it went really well. They said Muse is doing a sonic session on Thursday and that we should sing for them cause we're doing Time Is Running Out. I would crap my pants if I got to meet Muse. Seriously.

If I know something will make someone happy or I can go a little bit out of my way to do something nice for another person, I usually do it.

It would be nice to feel like others did the same for me. At this point in time the only person who goes out of their way to do things for me is my mom. It would just be nice if someone saw something and said "oh, she'd like this," or maybe brought me flowers or made my bed or...just small things like that really make a difference to me. Sometimes I feel like the little things I do are completely unappreciated. So why do I even do them? Mainly because I think of how I'd want to be treated and I try to treat others the same way, specifically in this case. For example, I hate it when people come in my room and don't put things back how they found them or leave it really messy, so I try to respect others' rooms. Stuff like that.

It's common courtesy, but also a little more. Come on, people.

A year ago (well, in two hours from now it will be a year...) I said "Do you ever have a moment where you just think 'what the fuck am I doing?'"

It's funny cause I've sort of been wondering that recently. Actually, it's been more like an "I can't believe this is happening" kind of thing.

If you had told me a year ago that this is how things would be, I would have smacked you and called you a big fat liar.

The thing that people don't realize when they say
"things aren't just black and white,
there are shades of grey"
is that that's so trite.
There are colors to be dealt with,
red and green and blue, round the door.
The sound of jingle bells, and laughter everywhere
...you get the point.
If things were simply shades of light and dark,
even if only on a scale from one to ten,
all you would have to do is erase or darken a little
and the answer would be clear.
Well, not clear, but lighter or darker.
Ok, so on a scale of one to ten
the shades do start to blend toghether,
but what doesn't?
And there's this saying:
"man makes plans, God laughs."
And love is a strong word,
I still believe it's the strongest word out there.
Second to none.

You have this light blue shirt
that you used to wear
I wonder if you still have it.
You don't have blue eyes
but it went so well with you
with your skin.
I wasn't attracted to you in it
but I could recognize how good it looked.
I'd like to tell you to wear it again.

We used to talk in spanish.
I don't do that anymore.
I don't do a lot of things anymore.
I think I don't complain as much
Or wish...certain things anymore.

Sometimes I think I'm not as creative.
Creativity gave way to parties
and staying up late to talk online
or catching up on homework.
Sometimes I wonder
if I should mourn this
this life which could be viewed
as so empty.
But at the end of the day
I am rarely unhappy.
I just measure my life by different things.
How much fun did I have today?
How did I do on that test?
How did I feel, how much sleep did I get?
Who did I interact with and where and when
and under what circumstances.
That's what it comes down to,
the circumstances.
The mood
the lighting.
Not really the lighting
so much as the mood.

Don't call this a poem.
Poems are for creative people
who put more effort,
time and thought into what they write.
And they make it rhyme.
I could never make things rhyme.

Bet you didn't know I had a website. Me neither. Well, I mean I knew, I've just neglected it for a good two years. I've decided to make it my mission, should I choose to accept it, to spruce it up a little, and make it less...immature. And maybe even kinda cool. I haven't done any html stuff in quite the while. Plus I need something new (or old enough to be new when it's revived) to do to procrastinate work, since I beat Kirby last night.

This happens more than it used to. I'll sit down and want to write something profound, something moving. Something that gives you a glimpse into my inner workings, lets you see what makes me tick, while at the same time also shedding light on the greater picture: human beings as a whole. Usually I sit for a minute, think...and realize there is nothing profound in my life and put up the white flag. So why not do that now? Why write an entry about wanting to be profound? How, exactly, is this entry about the lack of deep and meaningful things going to translate into anything worthwhile? Damned if I know.

I could write about how I am selfish, and how most people are inherently selfish. I could do that.

My mom's not selfish. She is the least selfish person I have ever met in my 19 years of life, which, granted may not seem all that long, but I have sure met a fair amount of people. And I'm not just saying this because she's my mom and I love her and because I have to think anything specific about her. It's because even when she is down, even when she's sick and needing help, she tries to think of others also. Who is she and where did she come from? She is so strong. It's so strange that someone can be so strong and so weak at the same time. Not physically strong but her will is the strongest I've ever known. When she wants something she gets it. She knows how and she's not afraid to make a fuss, bite someone's head off, be sugary sweet, or pull out any of the oldest (and some of the newer) tricks in the book. But she doesn't go after something if she doesn't need it or feel that she deserves it. She is not a cheater - she's also the most honest person I know. I'm sure she's told lies, but there's a saying about how some people lie to protect themselves and some people lie to protect others. She falls in the second category. I just admire her so much. I think I tell her so tomorrow.

I'm not going to write about how selfish I am. I will simply say that I was reluctant to come home at first. No, reluctant is the wrong word. Upset that I had to come home, miss out on all the fun tonight and tomorrow night, and Saturday during the day. But (and this happened last time too) as soon as I got home I knew that this is where I need to be right now. I don't belong anywhere else, and I am not really upset anymore about what parties I'll miss for two days. There will always be more parties, of that I am sure.

So the grand, profound moral of this story is: there is none.

I like answering metaphors and crypticisms with more metaphors.

But sometimes metaphors bother me.

I digress, though, because I've discussed this before.

It's been a while since I last blogged. I've lost the desire to lately, as is expected when I'm at school and running around like a chicken w/o a head (or, alternately, sitting on my ass putting off work by playing Nintendo or something of that sort).

Um...yeah, I still don't really feel like blogging. Maybe later.

In the solitude of home this weekend, I've come to no grand conclusions about life, and have found no secret meanings or underpinnings that will tell me how to live properly, other than that sleep is key. It is funny, though, how at home 10 seems close to bedtime. Granted, I didn't get to bed last night until 3, but I was tired at midnight and ready to call it a night at one (this is not very common for me at school).

The quiet time has actually been pretty nice, albeit unproductive. I haven't been sitting around pondering life, but I have realized that it's ok to be home. I'm not gonna die from not getting to go to every party. On the contrary, this weekend should do me some good, I hope. Some confusion still hasn't cleared up, but I'm not sure when it will, if any time soon. But in this time I have realized that maybe that's ok. It's nothing apocalyptic. It's something I can control, not something that controls me, and if I want it to change, it will change. If I am unsure what I want, it may stay the same until I can decide.

On another note, I need to stop eating so much.

Somehow I always find my way back to the weird "thing" (I don't call it a poem, don't mistake it for such, because that implies there was an intent of art, style, or some sort of coherent form when I wrote it) that I wrote (Oct 7th...since I took the permalink off a while ago and don't know how to replace it). It's one of my favorites, and I again stumbled upon it when I was checking to see what I'd done last year or two years ago around this time.

Why was I doing that? I'm home. I've nothing better to do. No wait, I could've gone to sleep. Instead of coming on the computer and scanning pictures while my mom took a nap (around 8:30) I could have also taken a nap. After all, I did fall asleep today around 2:30 and not wake up until 3:20 for my 3 - 4 German class. Instead of skipping the class completely, though, I opted to attend the last 20 minutes, so as not to have that count as an absence. Then I missed the train I was supposed to take home (rarely, if ever, do I catch the trains home that I intend to take), among other shitty things that happened (including not goint to bed until 4 the previous night, then waking up at 9 to call the doctor, then being called back by them twice, which interrupted attempts at falling back to sleep, and then, during my second callback, being asked if I could come in right then...I suppose all in all this isn't a bad thing because I needed to go...but it was soo early, I was there for so long, and then didn't have sufficient time to take a nap when I got back).

Tonight I had a yummy home cooked meal de mi abuela, consisting of brisket, potatos, carrots, and peaches. And then I proceeded to come online, scan, and play online poker for a few hours. Oh, the excitement.

To be optimistic, though, it's probably the most convenient time for me to have to be home. First, because I haven't slept well for the past week, so hopefully I can catch up on that (though here I am, wasting my catch-up time), and because I shouldn't be partying this weekend. So it all works out. But there are a few parties tomorrow night I am gonna be sad to miss. I just have to keep telling myself that there will be other parties to attend.

As for me, it's bed time.

Sometimes I hate metaphors. Sometimes I wish people would just come out and say what they want to say, instead of embellishing everything and skirting around the subject, leaving it open for interpretation.

Have you noticed that there are five posts in a row that begin with "I"? I almost started this one with it too, and the point of this post is merely to draw attention to the fact that that's bad. So I'm gonna try to stop. Starting now.

There's a mistake to be made but I don't know what it is and no one can tell me the right answer, not even me.

I did the best workout I've done in a long time tonight. Ran for 24 min, then did EFX for 26 min. Burned a couple hundred calories, about 400 - 500. Watched World Series of Poker while I was on the treadmill & EFX. Then did crunches, reg & side. Then did dip assist/chin assist. Then came back really excited about it & was told that I'm untoned, which I interpret as fat and gross. Great.

I thought about you today. It's not a frequent occurrance. I thought about you when I took my guitar out to play, because you used to say guitr. That was it. Then I thought about how shitty things turned out. I hope you read this and know I mean you, specifically, because I do have some things to say to you. I took you off my buddy list a while ago, and I don't remember your screenname (good thing there are so many numbers in it). I hate how you changed. Who did you become? There's so much to say, but it's a moot point. But really...why did you become what you did? Was it because of me, or was I the reason you didn't become that way earlier? And really, I can't imagine what would have happened if we'd become friends again. That's not true, I can imagine. We'd be friends. What a weird thought. It could've never happened after... Well, after everything that happened. And I know I don't know everything, but I know a hell of a lot more than you think I know. With that said, ew. Ew to you. Obviously who am I to say you should or shouldn't do anything? I'm as little a part of your life as you are a part of mine. But...for serious. There are no words for how appalled I am by your recent endeavors. How lame. The worst part is that you're just like the rest of the disgusting people. That was one of the best things about you: you weren't them. Things change. Things change like fucking woah.

---

Usually empty conversations piss me off. I usually view them as a huge waste of time, but right now I am enjoying a thoroughly meaningless one.

I am so tempted to read it. I want to know. But I know it's not there. Shouldn't I just check, though? NO. And I'm not going to. I have fucking willpower.

I GOT A SOLOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Solo auditions were last night, and I got Frou Frou - Let Go (from the Garden State soundtrack...I feel like I'm gonna have to see the movie now that I have a song from it)!!!! They almost gave me the girl's part in Broken, but they ended up giving it to Rina...I'm ok with it though. I'm sooo excited about Frou Frou!!

Today sucks. Balls.

Things I could do with a Spanish major:

Be a journalist

Write for a magazine

Be a reporter

Translator

Teacher

That's just a couple. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna major in Spanish and minor in music.

My life feels like it is rapidly spiraling out of control. I have so much work I don't know where to start...I have to do so much reading, I am so confused by music theory, I have a German test on Wednesday, I am sooooooooo confused!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm blogging from home today, on my mom's new computer. I came home this morning and am sleeping over tonight. I just set up her computer and printer, downloaded AIM, and still have to install microsoft office.

I also still have to translate about 5 paragraphs of english into spanish, type it up, and email it to my spanish teacher. This is lame.

I had a sudden urge to blog. About what, I don't know. Sure, plenty of interesting stuff has been going on. That's when my blog dies - when I'm really busy. For the past few days (starting Sunday) we've been having auditions and callbacks for OTB. Sunday and Monday from 4 - midnight we listened to people sing. Scales, then solo, etc. Last night we had callbacks. I can't wait to see who gets in! We won't know until Saturday, though.

Other than that...let's see...I've been going to classes. I was nervous about German at first but I'm feeling a lot better about it. I'm sort of nervous for Spanish, because I have a really shitty vocabulary and it has the potential to kick my ass. I'm also taking music theory and history of jazz. I feel like these two will overlap in a good way. I think by the end of the semester I am going to understand music so much better, and have a much greater appreciation for it. Plus the teacher for history of jazz is fucking awesome. Yesterday he had some girl sing a song he'd never heard before, and then he started playing the piano w/ her while she sang. After that he asked if anyone in the room had a CD with them. One kid did - an Oasis CD - and the he played the CD, breaking the song down into pieces (I'm sure some people didn't know what a verse and a chorus was...there were certainly people who auditioned for us that didn't know), and he also played along with that. I'm really excited for that class.

The only downside is that it's at 10:30, but lately I've been going to bed around 1 or 2, so that's fine. It's so much easier to get to bed on time when I'm not in a dorm w/ people I know so that I can go distract myself every time.

FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!! I HAVE INTERNET! WOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

OH INTERNET, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU.

This summer in review, but not for me...this is about you. I hope you don't still feel that way. I hope things are better. I hope you don't feel alone, I hope you don't feel unwanted or unnoticed, or that you don't make anyone's lives different. I know what it's like to feel that way, I promise it goes away. But if it hasn't...I will try my best to convince you that...that you matter.

Well, it's now less than a day before I go back to school. My mom and I went today, and with us we took load #2 of three loads. It was mostly clothes and such, and, miraculously, they all fit in my dresser and closet! I even have extra room in my closet, so I'm considering hanging some of the clothes I stuffed in the drawers, so I can actually see what I have. We rearranged the room from how it was previously arranged - moved the bed and the dresser, and I think it looks a lot better. I'm really excited about the room...all we have left to take is stuff like my guitar, mini amp, and computer. I'm making a run to Staples tomorrow morning to buy a 10-outlet surge protector, since there are only two outlets (4 plugs) in my whole room! I guess since I don't need a fridge in there, and possibly won't need a microwave it'll be better, but...2?? Not enough. It's about T minus 13 hours until I go back. I'm exhausted from today and there's still so much more left to do, so I'm calling it a night early (esp. since I don't plan on calling too many early nights for the next week or so).

I won't have internet for ::GASP!!:: about three days or so (could be longer, let's pray it's not...). How ever will I survive? Oh, that's right, I'll finally be in a place where REAL life is way more fun than the internet.

i think it's time for another episode of the squinty-eyed mood. i haven't been in this mood for a while, but when it hits, it hits hard.

today i moved the first of the three big loads of things i'm taking back to school. i went by myself, and it took me i think seven trips to get it all just in the house. it was ridiculously hot in there, and i was glistening like a pig. after i moved everything in i went to rachel's house. i talked to her parents for a little bit, then hung out w/ her and meghan. it was sooo good to see rachel...she's been gone all summer and i've really missed her.

on the way home it hit me that that would be the last time i'll get to drive around at night however fast or slow i want with the windows down and the sweet summer air on my face and the crickets chirping and my choice of music with a clear sky and an almost full moon and the stars out for a while. I like driving when there's no one around and it's completely under my control. there was something so perfect about the drive home tonight.

these few days before school have been sort of a time to ponder life, as corny and cliched as it sounds. i'm really gonna miss my friends from home and i feel bad leaving my mom alone...but i am very excited to go back. this summer hasn't really been relaxing so much as incredibly stressful and frustrating. i am looking forward to being able to have my freedom, relax if i want, party if i want, stay out as late as i want, and especially to be around my peers instead of adults (because if you look at the majority of my summer, i've spent way more time w/ adults than w/ people my age).

and on this deep, pondorous note, i'm off to wash up for bed...i'm exhausted.

Today was a good day.

I got awakened at 8:45 by a phone call telling me that the air conditioning repair man was on his way.

Let me rewind a little...I had to stay home today because three people were coming over to the house today to do various and sundry things. There was a man coming to put glass block windows in our basement, and he was due around 9 - 9:15. The air conditioning man was due between 1 and 5, and the men who were coming to drop off the treadmill my mom ordered (just in time for me to not be home to use it!!) were due between 2:30 and 4:30.

When someone called and told me the AC man was on his way at 8:45, you can imagine my dismay. Not only was I awakened half an hour before I thought I would be, but I had gone to bed around 3:15 and was exhausted. AC man and glass block man showed up at exactly the same time. I worked on packing for school (which I'm having a pretty fun time doing, actually) while they were here and after they left.

Natalie came over in the afternoon and she and I hung out and talked for a while, which was really nice. She was here when the treadmill men came, and she and I tested it out (barefoot, which was very odd). The treadmill has a tiny built in fan on the dash so you can keep yourself cool while you exercise.

After Natalie left I took a two hour nap, woke up, ate steak and fruit, and then went over to the Pringles'. I got to hang out with Alex, Natalie, Tom, Nick and Heather (and Sue and Art for a teeny bit). Tom, Alex and Natalie all leave tomorrow. In the midst of being so excited to get back to college life, I forgot how much I am gonna miss my friends (granted, Natalie was away almost all summer...). I'm gonna miss my daily dose of hugs that I don't get in college. :'-(

I had a great day today. I woke up at 7 to go to a doctor's appointment with my mom (obviously that was not the great part, but it was fine). I got home around 10 and took a nap until noon. Woke up, put some more stuff in my grandparents' room to take to school, and eventually went down to the basement and brought my bike up (after wiping off some sort of bug eggs that had been lain on it...EWWWWWW). I took my bike on the train to 30th street, then rode it to my house (I stopped on the way to fill the tires with air at a bike store right near my house). I called Eric and he came over. We decided we were hungry so we went to wawa and then to a fruit cart to get fruit salads. I love how for two dollars I can get a small fruit salad with delicious fruit and be completely full from it. We took our fruit to a little area w/ benches and sat & talked. Then we walked back to my house so I could give him his CDs back, stopped at the runners' house for a couple minutes, and then went to the high rise where he's living next year and sat and talked to one of his roommates. Around 6 he drove me to the train station, and I came home & had some chinese food from last night.

As an added bonus, Family Guy was on TV when I turned it on!!! I was so excited, so I watched that as I sorted through laundry I have to wash before going back to school. I realized that there's really not as much time left as I need to do a thorough job packing everything. But I might just throw everything in bags in a haphazard manner and deal with it once I get there. Plus, if I forget anything I'll just come home some day and get it. I love being only a drive away from home.

ONLY 4 FREAKING DAYS LEFT UNTIL SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! I MIGHT DIE OF EXCITEMENT BEFORE IT COMES!!!!! :-D

BTW, the last post is not relevant to my situation now...I just think it's funny.

HAHA. And Hah.

Look what I found:

I don't know how I do it, but I manage to attract guys that either
a) don't really like me,
b) are wimps,
c) are really weird, or
d) are a combination of the three.

- Beetle Bum gave her two cents on 10/13/2002 02:15:20 PM

Is it really fair
To say All Those Days Are Gone?
It is true
That I often fall asleep
Just Before Dawn
And by often I mean
I used to
Hopefully those days are gone
But what about the days
Of creativity
And cool metaphors
That were never cheesy
If a little cliched or overused?
The days of cryptically saying
What you don't mean
And what you want to hide
Only to realize later
That some of it wasn't half as cryptic as you'd like
And the rest was so cryptic
That you yourself can't figure out
What the hell you meant.

What about the days of pining?
Oh, those will never fade
But pining for different things
Different lives and meanings
The wedges have put up so many walls
That they might no longer be called wedges
But barriers or The Great Wall Of China.

So what am I even talking about anyway?

Ok, that's amazing that I can blog from this awesome toolbar. Good job, blogger!

I don't understand the deal with this toolbar at the top.

GRRRR. I just typed an post and it got erased. Stupid keyboard shortcuts that you accidentally press. :(

The post began with this quote:

"Life is too important to be taken seriously." - Oscar Wilde

Then I wrote about how my mom and I just got back from Newport. It was a good time, though not as relaxing as we'd hoped since my grandparents followed us up there. My grandmother, though I love her and appreciate all she's done for me, has a huge stick up her ass. She's taken to trying to make others miserable. Not all the time, but 75 - 90% of the time she is making snide remarks, digging comments, and the like. For example, she didn't bring anything up with her. Not her special electric toothbrush that she needs, not clothes, nothing. Because she said my grandfather complained that she brings to much stuff up and he didn't want to carry it. So first she cut off her nose to spite her face and left things she really needed at home, and then, to make him pay for it, she said she'd just have to go out and buy all new things.

Then there's my grandfather. I love him too...but he's almost always in the way. He shuffles around very slowly, stops in the middle of a room in high-traffic areas only, and spreads out at the kitchen table (in my spot) taking up at least two spots. Not only that, but he's almost always either making ridiculously negative comments, or he's making jokes that aren't funny.

But again, I love them both and they're not always bad.

The weather was sort of a bummer...it was cloudy at least half the time we were there. While I would've preferred the sun (who wouldn't?) to the clouds and rain, the bad weather translated into shopping sprees with my mom. At the risk of sounding spoiled, though I'm not that spoiled, my mom and I rarely went back into the house without a new purchase. We shopped at places like the dollar store, joblot, walmart (which really does roll back the prices), etc. One day we went to the beach in clouds...I can't remember whether it got sunny that day or not. Another day we went in the fog, which lifted for about four hours before returning. Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous, and we spent all day, from 10:30 til 6:15, tanning it up. Yesterday was the only day it was warm and sunny enough to go in the water, but there was too much seaweed so I wasn't in for long (though I did go in with the boogie board and beach myself from 3 out of the 4 waves I rode).

Today was also gorgeous, but because we were leaving and had everything packed and my mom didn't want to get all sandy, we went to Brenton Point Park (aka the Rocky Beach) and laid out on the grass in our bathing suits for somewhere between an hour and a half and two hours. I only put lotion on a spot where I got burned yesterday, and I only got mildly burned. But now I look tan, and I'm happy :-D

Anyway, more about Npt later if I feel like it...off to go facebook and such.

Oh, and lastly... 5 MORE DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL!! I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The inital shock has worn off. Appalled as I am, and probably will always be, I don't really care anymore. It is really a shame. It's sad when you see someone's true character, and it turns out to be disgusting.

But them's the breaks, I guess. We'll see how things play out.

I can't wait to go back to school.

Yesterday when I got home I did my usual curiosity-killed-the-cat routine. Naturally it bothered me (or "killed me", in the cat scenario), so to semi-vent and just take out some general aggression/energy, I turned up some JLC really, really loud (my mom was at some appointment and wasn't due home til around 7:30) and started dancing. It began with dancing, dancing like a moron (as if no one was watching...), making a complete ass out of myself for no one but me to see. Then it turned into a workout. I was jumping around, doing jumping jax, a pseudo kickboxing routine, and various other incredibly awesome moves that I created all by myself. I even threw in a little ballet that I remembered from dance class my senior year in hs...it was so great. I went from listening to JLC to Outkast (Speakerboxx, followed by Bombs Over Baghdad...awesome song to work out to) and had to put my sneakers on after about 10 minutes (when it became a real workout).

Today my calves were really sore, and I could even feel it a little in my stomach muscles. The only negative side effect from my awesome workout is that I now have a blister on the bottom of my big toe. Yes, on the bottom. Somehow I managed to get rugburn, or something on it, and then I guess jumping around on it didn't make it happy. It's fading now, and will hopefully be gone by tomorrow, when I plan to do that workout again. I was on such an endorphine-fuelled high afterwards; I just felt like running around the neighborhood for an hour.

---

Today was a rough day. It started by my mom and I waking at 5 a.m. The first time my alarm went off I wasn't startled. I calmly opened my eyes and thought "ok, time to get up. Actually...I can hit the snooze button and then get up..." I fell back asleep in the 5 - 10 minutes that the radio was off, and I jolted awake the second time it went off. We had to leave by 5:30. It was 5:15. So naturally I had a horrible upset stomach and didn't want to move. We got to the hospital...my aunt showed up. It was so great that she came...it really relaxed me. And I got to use her nice cotton sweater to "glob on," as she put it.

My grandparents came too. At the first sight of them my blood pressure went sky high, and I started getting frustrated by every little thing my grandmother said and did. But when we were in the cafeteria eating (I had a yogurt, a quarter of my aunt's pancakes, and some hot chocolate/french vanilla/english toffee coffee...which upset my stomach) my grandmother gave me a hug. I thought it was just a casual sort of hug to say "everything's ok....but I'm still crazy." But she wouldn't let go. She held on so tight, and I could feel my pulse and heartbeat slowing, I could feel myself calming down. Somehow it made me feel connected to her. It made me realize that we were both there for the same reason, we were both upset for the same reason, and that it would be so much easier for us to be there together, sort of as a team, than as individuals who are fighting like cats. I felt a lot better after that hug, followed by a call from the doctor, which my aunt took. As she reported, everything went really well. There only a 2% chance that anything bad could happen...granted...that worries me. Out of pessimism? Fear? I couldn't say...but what if it is that 2%?

We're planning to go to Newport this weekend, and return on the Monday of the week I want to move back in to school. Plans can easily be broken, but what it means if we do go is that this Friday will by my last day at work. As of now I don't know if I'll need to be home on Thursday or not, but WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FREAKING HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't take it anymore. I can't take the mindnumbingness of it all. The occasional high-pitched hum of the computer monitor that makes me believe the sound is actually coming from inside my head. I can't stand having to plan when I'm going to take a bathroom break (at least every hour) to prevent my brain from falling out of my ears (which part of it has already done). I can't take feeling like it's been five hours and then looking at my watch to realize it's only 11:30. I will have to start looking for a winter job now, and a summer job in the winter. Because I can't work there again. Patent law is NOT what I want to do with my life. Especially patent law where I am five peoples' bitch. Yeah they pay me well, but chop $2 an hour off that and give me a more tolerable job and I'll take it in a second.

I have to get a job over winter break, because I will need to be able to pay for spring break. Conditions being as uncertain as they are, there is a 99.9% chance my mom will be willing to pay zero dollars towards my entertainment over spring break. Sooooo saving up money it is.

Next school year is gonna hold a lot of expenses that the year before didn't. I will have to be a lot more wise about money, and conserve it whenever I can. Maybe I can do the head scratch trade off for multiple things, as a means of paying my dues.

---

When my aunt and I were in the waiting room today, before my grandparents arrived, we were discussing jobs, the future, college, and the like. She said that at work, everyone's day to day goal is simply "get it off my desk." A simple concept, but so true. Take the office where I work as an example. The head honcho attorney may or may not have given another attorney some work. The attorney then gives it to a certain paralegal, who may or may not give it to another paralegal. One of those paralegals then comes and dumps the work on me. So I am basically 5th down on the totem pole, the lowest you can get at the office. But back to getting things off the desk...She applied it to schoolwork too. She said that if that's my goal for every day, life will be so much easier. Because on the days when you sit down, ready to get everything off your desk, and you have a bunch of stuff left over from previous days, it makes it hard.

With regards to jobs, she said that the major I pick really doesn't matter, as long as I do well in it. She said not to pick something that will challenge me, because future employers really don't care if I was challenged. They won't look and say "oh, she took this challenging course and has a 2.5 GPA...how great." They will look to see if I have a 4.0 and that's what counts. My aunt said it might make a difference if the major I had was in the same field of study as the job, but not necessarily. She just said that if I like music and do well I should major in that. Just to pick whatever major I'll like, and whatever major in which I'm willing to work to get good grades.

The only thing I've managed to stick with thus far is spanish. I really enjoy it. I think spanish culture is so interesting. I love the language, and, to be honest, I love how it seems so sensual and alluring. There's just something about it...I don't know. So I could major in that. Part of me worries that I'll do what my mom did - graduate college, say "now what?" and go to law school. I don't really want to be a lawyer. I'm sort of torn about it, to be honest. My grandfather is a lawyer. So is my mom. So is my one aunt. The other aunt is going to law school starting this fall. Clearly there is a lawyer gene in my family. I like arguing my point, which would make me good in litigation. I got an A in legal studies. But holy hell, there is so much damn reading involved in law school, I don't think I could take it. And law is so nitpicky and full of teensy little technicalities designed to trip you up. It would be something fun to master, but I'm not sure how much energy and effort I'd be willing to dedicate to it. I guess it's good that I don't have to worry about it just yet.

Now, with all that said, I'm off to scrounge for some dinner.

Jump, Little Children is an awesome, awesome band. How have I not heard them before? I feel cheated.

Off to bed, for I have to get up at the ripe time of 5 a.m.

Oh drama. It needs to end, and the only way for me to get away from it is by going back to school.

Oy vey. I am at my grandparents' apartment now. I just hooked their computer up and it seems to be working fine, but they are nuts. My grandfather is a huuuuuuge grouch and pissed off because we broght my aunt's dogs (we're dogsitting tonight). The dogs, cute as they are, are really annoying to have today. They are so high maintenance, plus I want to go to school tonight and hang out, but now it's an issue because the dogs are gonna freak out and bark like nuts when I get home (and wake my mom up if she's sleeping). GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I inhaled at the wrong time tonight as I walked past Auntie Anne's, so I didn't get the full effect of the tantalizing smell. Oh well...I had the best salad again today: feta cheese, spinach leaves, walnuts, dried cranberries and mandarins, with a raspberry vinagrette dressing. YUM.

However...my company for lunch was mad at me because I mentioned that I have a boyfriend. Wtf.

In other news...I am dying to go back to school. As in, I really can't handle waiting anymore. I need to be there now, with all my friends who I'm missing terribly. I need to be with them in a house hanging out or partying or in a room talking or walking somewhere or getting food at two in the morning, knowing that the night is still ahead of us. I need my freedom. I need the contact and understanding of my peers that I don't get being home alone with my mom. I need no rules and that fake reality that I love so much. I need my escape from the real world.

I love the smell of Auntie Anne's pretzels as I rush to the track at 30th street station. I always make sure to inhale as deeply as I can through my nose to soak up the sweet, greasy smell. It's not like the smell of funnel cake, which is sickeningly sweet after more than a second. It's a warm, toasty, mouth-watering smell of a million calories just calling my name. I never cave, but I love the smell.

Today was one of the roughest days of recent times.

It all started on the train....

Then I got to work. Checked my email for like half an hour...even though I had maybe 6 short emails. As soon as I started logging (I've logged over 10,000 stupid pieces of paper by now) and one of the paralegals came over and asked me if I was done. "Done?" I felt like saying to her. "Done? Listen, I've been doing this logging for how long now? Two months? There are nine accordian folders of this shit. I'm almost done the fourth, and other than that all I have to do is number nine. But when you keep bringing me more and more endless piles of paper to log...how the hell do you expect me to finish?? I'm not a machine!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Then I felt like running away screaming while simultaneously tearing my hair out.

No, I wasn't done, I told her. Disappointedly she said "oh" and then told me how there were three more boxes that recently came in, plus a small (read: about a foot and a half thick).

W/e...I'm going to bed.

One of my goals when I started school was to have no regrets.

And I think I pretty much stuck to it.

I was just thinking about my entire past year today...there are definitely things that, if I could go back and do them differently, I would change. But I can't regret the way they happened because that's why I am who I am right now. Plus, if I can learn something from them then how can I regret them?

---

Tom and Eric came over last night. We sat and played poker for a little, and after Tom left Eric and I just sat and talked. It was really good to see him...and of course good to see Tom [who's leaving AGAIN soon... :( ].

It's weird how I can have a two hour conversation with someone almost every time I talk to them and not run out of things to say. How does that happen? It's so strange because there are other people with whom I can talk for all of two minutes before running out of things to discuss. What's so different about two people that makes it so easy for me to talk to one, and so hard to talk to another?

And which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And why the hell am I confused?

Why do I have to wait 29 days until I can go back to school (possibly 27 days...but still...)?

Why do I have to wait to see what happens? I want instant gratification. It's like I'm stuck in the last five minutes of a soap opera on Friday, where everything is left hanging and the announcer says you'll find out what happens on Monday. Except Monday is soooooo far away. I mean the theoretical Monday. Because the real Monday, on which I have to go to work and plan my bathroom breaks so as to not die of boredom, is right now.

---

Oh...and photoshop is awesome.

Sooo we're back from the hospital. My mom's doing a lot better than last time. We are all exhasusted (I got up at 6 a.m.), and my grandmother's being a huge bitch. All I've eaten today is a yogurt, about 3 soy crisps, and a fruit cup.

I started out w/ 1908 and now I have 2308. :-D

Not much to say other than that I have 5 CDs left out of 28 that I am ripping onto my computer. I am sooo excited for them cause they are really good.

I spent over 2 hours talking to Eric tonight! I want to go back to school. It's so close and yet...so far. Sigh. Haha.

I only have 9 days left of work. THANK THE LORD! It's so boring I can't take it anymore. I get excited about doing little boring things that take me away from the bigger, most boringest awful project they have me on. I just log hundreds after hundreds of pages into an excel spreadsheet. I've done over 10,000 pages at this point. And there is no end in sight. There's no motivation for me to go fast or slow, because every time I think I might be getting close, one of the paralegals I work for comes and tells me there's more "coming in droves" (as I was told today). Yeah well 9 MORE FREAKING DAYS AND I AM DUNNER. For serious.

Other than that..I have 20 minutes to get ready for bed. That also means 20 min to finish ripping 5 CDs and to get the songs on my ipod.

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I just hooked my beautiful, wonderful computer up to the internet.

My grandparents moved today. They no longer live here. It was so strange watching everything in the house that I normally don't even see because I'm so used to it get packed up and moved into a big van. The big rugs are gone...everything looks so empty (and very spacious)...it's like the house is naked. Granted, they left at least half of their belongings behind, some of which they will come back for on their "second move," and some of which they won't ever take because they don't have room for it in their apartment.

Anyway......I am unpacking and shit right now...I'll write more later.

I'm dying here.

Today may be the last day I'm online for a while, unless I can figure out how to hook MY computer up soon (hopefully tonight).

I found my old pog collection today...it is amazing. I am gonna find something to decorate with them, and it will be the shit.

I like new things. Not just things, but new people, new experiences, and new places. Even new music (and, since I'm a closet girly girl, new clothes, etc.). There is something so exhilirating about getting to know people and places that maybe you knew from afar, or that you've never known of before. I love learning about people - what they like and don't like, what they've done before and when they plan to do in the future. Exploring new places is like a mini adventure, from a new room to a new house to a new city. There's so much to look at (which is fun for when I feel ADD-ish) and discover. And with new clothes...it's great to get something really awesome and wear it for the first time and feel proud of it. I love it.

Of course, old things also have their place. Old friends, familiar places, even old, worn-in clothes. My favorite pair of jeans, with a hole in a bad place. I couldn't throw them out. They have gone through years of wear and tear and still fit just right after being washed (or even when they're in need of washing). They don't even feel like jeans anymore...they've become so soft and thin and comfy and wonderful.

Obviously, old friends are the best. I love having people who know me really well, people who can make fun of me for who I had a crush on in seventh grade or who I dated three years ago. I love people who can say they know my "type," and not seem like an asshole for saying it, since they actually do. I love knowing people really well. Even when you think there's nothing more to get to know about them...people are full of surprises and new things to share.

I adore old places, like Newport, which I know like the back of my hand. I know the lifeguard stands on the beach and the feet sticking out of the wave and the route we ride past Ryan's Family Amusements, then through the brick market, and then down Thames. I know the bridge and the Black Pearl and the wharfs. But even Newport, as many times as I've been there, has its little changes here and there. The giant, faux mailbox in front of the post office is gone. The library, which I hadn't seen for years until this summer, has been completely renovated. And the weather. The weather is never the same from day to day. You can't predict it, and it's not like Florida in the summer months, where it's hot as hell all day, rains for five minutes in the afternoon, and then gets hot as hell again. One day it'll be cloudy and cool, sunny and hot the next, sunny and rainy the next, and so on.

So, in conclusion, I love things, people, and places, new and old. They both have their own appeal, but when it all comes down to it, change is the common denominator.

If ever there was a time that I needed my mommy, it was tonight when I came home from work. So of course she was taking a nap.
 
On the train ride home I just started to feel really lonely. Everyone I am dying to see is away, Yardley, Ramah in the Poconos, New Hampshire, Poland, Belgium, Florida, Texas, and California, to name a few...North, south, east and west...everywhere but here, when I really need them. Some are only as far as about an hour, some 5 or more hours by plane.
 
I haven't seen any of my friends since I've been back, and the thing I need the most right now is a big bear hug from someone who really knows me and won't think I'm lame or needy if I want them to sit and listen to me cry or complain.
 
I got upset during dinner, and my grandparents...they don't know what to do. They don't know how to deal with emotions.
 
I just need physical contact with the people I care about, and I am really not getting it.

My new favorite song is called If It Happens Again by The Dharmas. It's so great.

The part I like goes like this:

"Can you forgive me for
Wasted days spent high
What a way to live
When morning blurs to night
I lost some brain cells
Finding myself
All the colors disappear
Can you see beyond my errors
I can start again with your help
Can you first be something special
Then we'll finish off somewhere else
Woah, would you want me
If it happens again?"

Blogger's getting more and more intense. Not necessarily in a bad way, though.
 
I'm back from Newport. I had an awesome time...every time I go it's just so nice to get away from all the drama back home. I was so torn about coming home....I missed all of my friends, but more and more of them are going away, so part of me wondered what I had to look forward to at home. Newport is so relaxing. Nothing, and I mean nothing beats sitting on the beach for upwards of six hours just soaking up the sun.

I'll get back to Newport in a little bit, because I have a tangent to go on (yes, I ended that sentence w/ a preposition. I notice how ignorant-seeming it is every time I do it).
 
During a conversation I was having with my friend, he asked why we (people in general) like other people when we shouldn't. Why do we like other people that don't like us back as much as we like them? And why do we like people that have so much other stuff going on in their lives that they don't have time for us?
 
On a sort of similar topic, why do people like what they cannot have? Why is the chase so much more interesting than the catch? This is not an absolute truth, but so many times it seems that once people get what they thought they wanted, they decide that it wasn't what they wanted after all. I guess the grass is always greener.
 
And of course I know that my observations are not particularly keen or original in any way. They are just renewed questions that will, like always, never be answered.
 

---

 
Now back to Newport...
 
It seemed like so much longer than 10 days, or however long it was. I was really stressed out at first, but after about three days I was finally able to (sort of) relax. It was icky weather for two or three days, but I still managed a decent tan, plus I got my hair cut. Same length, but longish bangs. (Go here for dorky webcam pics).
 
Oh and here's a "shout out" to Brian...consider yourself officially mentioned in my blog!

Blogging from Newport now. I'm in the library with my cousins, where you get free internet access. They blocked aim, though, and I really wanna see if anyone's on now, cause checking email only takes like two seconds.

Ahh, here's an interesting story. It happened I think two mornings ago. I was in the kitchen eating breakfast in my pajamas. I got up, and my grandmother made a face. I said "what?" and she said "your stomach." She always criticizes me when I wear clothes w/ my stomach showing - she tells me I look awful, and has called me a tramp. Sounds nice, doesn't she? So I look over at my cousin Becky, who's 23, tall, and skinny. Her stomach was showing too, so I said "Well Becky's stomach is showing," and my grandmother said "well hers is flatter than yours."

What the fuck?

I stormed out of the room and said I wouldn't talk to her till she apologizes. She doesn't apologize for things, ever, so it's gonna be a while. My cousins and my mom and grandfather all gave her shit for it. Various things she said in response were that she didn't call me fat, which my cousin Jenny told her she did, and that "she has more important things to worry about," (aka my mom). That's riciculous. At dinner that night, she wouldn't shut up, and kept asking questions directed right at me, so that I couldn't ignore her w/o seeming like a total brat. I just gave her one word answers, and I've been avoiding her.

It's not just that she basically called me fat. It's a mixture of that, the fact that she plays favorites with my cousins (Becky is her favorite and can do no wrong...we went out Saturday night and Becky wore a miniskirt that I would've been criticized up and down for wearing, while my grandmother fawned over her for wearing it), the fact that I am insecure about how I look enough without being chastized by her, and that I've really been trying to eat healthy and have been doing crunches every day in an attempt to get skinnier, so that comment just made me feel like total shit. Plus, I can't believe a family member of mine could say something so mean and hurtful to someone they supposedly care about.

I can't wait till they move. It'll be so much easier to deal with just my mom. My mom was telling me that I might have a hard time cause she's so picky about how she wants things, but no way can one person's pickiness be worse than three peoples'.

I just don't want to be up here with my grandparents once my cousins leave (they're leaving tomorrow), because then it'll be exactly the same as it is at home. I'll be the only one my grandfather can ask to get up and do whatever he wants exactly how and when he wants it. There'll be no support for me, aside from my mom, who just keeps telling me that I owe them for all they've done for me. I understand that, but it's my fucking vacation. Why did they have to come up here when we were gonna be here?

I know why...it's more of a rhetorical question. The answer to it is that my grandfather is so negative and impossible to be around that if my mom and I left my grandmother alone with him, she'd either want to kill him or herself, or both. So they had to follow us up here so she could drive US all insane since he's driving her insane. Grrrrreat.

Ok, enough bitching. So far, aside from that one incident, I've been having a really fun time. I wish it were sunny today, because then I'd be at the beach, but oh well. I just hope it doesn't rain the next two days like it's supposed to.