i got a kitty yesterday!!! he is black with a teeny little bit of white on his chest. his estimated birth date is actually a year ago today! happy birthday kitty and happy channukah to me (last night was the first night). he is so loving and adorable and he is my shadow and i love him. i know this was written like a five year old but it is with childlike excitement that i write about him.

I'm sitting here in Jason's apartment waiting for him to finish up at his audit. It's his audit weekend and basically the only way we could have seen each other is if I came up here and hung out at his place while he was there so we could see each other once he got done.

Yesterday he left super early and I woke up at 7:45 and couldn't fall back asleep. I was very productive while he was gone, though. I did two loads of laundry, found free software to back up my pictures, documents and desktop, cleaned Jason's apartment (which meant picking up all the clothes strewn all over the floor in every room, vacuuming, etc), and set up a cute little christmas scene complete with a tree in a box I bought since Jason doesn't have an actual tree and his ornaments I found while cleaning. It's very cute. When he came back he said the place smelled and looked great, so I was pleased. We pretty much just hung out, watched tv, ate and made a trip to Walmart yesterady and that was it. And now he's back at work but he's supposed to get out earlier today than yesterday.

Just for the record of this past Thanksgiving:
Weds night Jason and I went to Mad River in Manayunk to hang out with his friends. I mostly hung out with his friends while he mixed and mingled with a bunch of hs kids he hadn't seen in a long time. But it was fun.
Thurs we went to his parents' for a delicious Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings: turkey, ham (of course I would never eat ham...), candied yams, mashed potatoes, mashed sweet potatoes, vegetables and stuffing. It was delicious. Oh, and the home made beer his dad brewed (which we all bottled in their basement one Saturday afternoon when the Direct TV repair man came). And yummy dessert which I can't quite remember because the food was so good. I was so tired after dinner that I fell asleep on the couch while everyone watched football.
Friday Jason and I went with his family to pick out a Christmas tree, after which we went to Shady Maple and stuffed our faces for the second day in a row (and loved it). That night Jason and I went to see The Machine, an AMAZING Pink Floyd cover band that blew both of our minds. Seriously, we were speechless afterward. After the concert we took the train back to my place and played with glow sticks. Taping glow sticks to a ceiling fan = brilliant idea.
Most of Saturday was spent sleeping. Slept late, got up, ate, and I fell asleep for about 2 hours while Jason watched football and played on his phone. Sat night we went to his parents' and watched a movie (Journey to The Center of The Earth...I thought it was meh...), then came back to my place and fell asleep watching TV downstairs.
Sunday we went to the KOP mall, ate at the Cheesecake Factory (a favorite of ours when we're out that way) and stopped at my cousins' for a few hours to hang out with Becky, Jack and Caroline. It was enjoyable.

This past weekend was the OTB fall show, which I will write about later because I need to go to bed.

I used to be a lot of things I'm not. I used to be a good daughter, I used to be deep and profound. I did a massive cleaning/continuation of unpacking in my apartment tonight, in preparation for this weekend. It's the OTB fall show and Rina, Breton, Dave, Ethan and others will be in for it. Four people will be staying at my place both nights so I wanted it to not just look presentable, but nice. I looked through drawings I did from preschool all the way through high school, programs, photos I took, etc. My young work was pretty consistent: "I love you Mommy" or "Mommy I love you." Or, my personal favorite, "I love you Mommy I love you Mommy Momomomomomomomomomo." I used to be such a good kid. I used to love my mom the right way and show her I loved her. I still love her deeply but I have a terrible way of showing it. I'm not a good daughter anymore by any stretch of the word, and while it makes me sad I am not really sure how to be better. Well, for one I could have called on Thanksgiving. I still have to call her.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I will have to write about it.

I had lunch with Rachel today and we briefly talked about how we used to both write so much, and how we really don't anymore, and how we both feel less profound and deep than we used to be. She said maybe it's because we have people to talk about all our issues with now. Is that it? Were we just angsty teens feeling more alone than we do now, or were we on to something that we've since lost as we've become "adults"?

do you ever close your eyes and forget where you are for just a few seconds? it happened to me tonight in the shower. maybe it was my mind trying to wash away all my thoughts and worries built up from the day and start with a clean slate; a mental cleansing. one mental cleansing wasn't quite enough, though, and after i remembered where i was and it all came flooding back i felt just the same as i had: a little tired, a little preoccupied, a little weary. all in all it wasn't a bad day, but there were just more problems that seemed harder to fix than usual and it was busy. i didn't accomplish what i had hoped to accomplish (which included finishing at least one laptop), but at 6:15 when i was leaving my boss said it was ok, things come up sometimes (which they did). it's nice to know that he understands, and it's nice to know that some things stump him too, but that he keeps trying until he solves whatever it is that's stumping him.

I tend to focus more on what I didn't do and how I've failed rather than what I can become and the options I still have.

My mind really is an amazing thing. I can convince myself of anything, no matter how ridiculous it is. When I want something I get it. If only I applied my relentlessness to get what I want in all aspects of my life. Who knows where I'd be. But, like I said at the beginning of this post, I already spend too much time thinking that way.

This post was supposed to be longer and more profound but I spent my time doing other things like watching tv, half-ass exercising and putting up pictures in my apartment.

you are grown in the ways that i am not and i am mature in the ways that you are not.

you know people and i know computers.

you are a saint in the ways that i am not, i am graceful and good in the ways that you are not.

you are the yin to my yang.

negative adjectives to describe me:
contrary
stubborn
lazy
quitter
sore loser
selfish
hypocritical

positive adjectives to describe me:
witty
empathetic
genuine
funny
determined (sometimes)
creative
resourceful

i think i use this blog as solace when i feel like i have no one to talk to. it always listens.

another thing that sucks about me is that i can't even make a good point by ignoring people when i'm mad at them in situations like this.

You always beat me down at the worst possible times. You say you're encouraging me but you don't know the right way to go about doing so. I'd like to think it's possible for someone to know me well enough that they'd know how to deal with me when I'm feeling fragile. That they'd know when to put the gloves on and tread softly, watch what they say and be supportive, instead of ripping on me and telling me how I never do anything. I know. I know it's a cycle and I know that getting anxious on Tuesday about coming back on Sunday from a night in NYC and feeling sad and alone and lost in anticipation is absurd, but I also know that some part of me can't control it. I know that's what you hate - hearing me say I can control it, because oh you're a master of your body and emotions and you can control everything. You're so strong and I'm so weak, I get it. And that's not even what you're saying. You just want me to try. I get it. Don't you get what I'm saying? That I'm always scared and lost and alone and that most of the time I'm just suppressing it? That I always get depressed after going to NYC because it makes me miss my best friends whom I almost never see or talk to, it makes me jealous of the lives they live in glamorous NYC, it makes me weep for my life here, where I feel so totally alone.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a giver-upper. If I had cancer I'd probably just die because there is no strength in me to do anything else. I have no faith in myself and God I just feel like such crap now. You are the one person I'd want to support me now and you didn't. You made me feel like shit. I know I have a problem and I know I can't rely on you so heavily, but I have no family to rely on so that leaves...me. Rely on myself and be alone like I fear, like my mom feared...

I believe there are some people who would do the world a favor by not having kids. Some people are just too crazy and selfish to be parents. I am afraid I might be one of those people. I really think any family I could have will be fucked up beyond repair from the get go.

By the way, for Jason's birthday I surprised him (sort of...he suspected the first part) by renting a car and driving up to Reading for the evening, cooking him dinner (chicken marinated in honey dijon, with peppers and zucchini, cous cous and a salad) and bringing yummy dessert (four small gourmet style cakes and four fancy chocolate and peanut butter candies). Oh and I got him tickets to a flyers game this weekend. I think he enjoyed it. It was the best present I've given anyone.

NYC the weekend of the 15th hopefully.

I was talking to one of my co-workers on gmail around 7 pm as he worked at the office, waiting for "girl #1" as he calls her, to be ready for their date this evening.

He and I talk online at work and get lunch sometimes. He's one of my friends at the office, which is one of the ways I know I'm integrated into the fiber of my office. But that's not the point of this post. He always talks about "chick logic," i.e. the crazy reasoning all girls use that makes no sense (to guys). All girls are crazy in his opinion. He's not wrong, but in our defense guys only make us worse. He told me a few things "girl #1" told him (and girls have the problem? see: him calling her "girl #1"). She wanted to know why they don't hang out more. But, knowing this, he wasn't making more of an effort to hang out with her as one might suspect. No, he knew what she wanted and wasn't giving it to her. No wonder girls are crazy, when so many guys do this to us. But again, that's not the point of this post.

The point of this post came up a little later in our conversation about crazy girls. He said he'd like to try dating a girl who was crazy before he met her, just to see what it was like. I told him he'd never be able to handle it, that he's too normal. He might have been slightly offended, but then proceeded to tell me that he has a great family, they all get along, and his parents have been happily married for 34 years. (My response: "I wonder what that would be like.") If the point isn't becoming more and more apparent, it is this very cliched idea: you need to find someone who's crazy like you. Normal people with relatively normal families couldn't possibly understand us crazies. People with disheveled families need someone who understands what that's like and how absolutely that will affect how they act in almost every way. Family dynamics are huge and they leave a huge imprint on us, because they are both nature and nurture. I know I'm wandering here, so the bottom line is...he's going to have a hard time finding a girl sane enough or normal enough to be with, or he's going to have to learn to deal with the craziness.

Meanwhile, I found someone crazy like me who can generally understand why I act the way I act and what makes me tick.

wow, i really have let this blog die temporarily.

i voted today (4th) and i didn't even get a lousy i voted sticker. come on shelley.

phillies won the world series last wednesday. jason and i got in a fight b/c we didn't meet up for the parade fri (my office closed at noon), met up with dave, hung out at my place, jason and i went out to dinner and he felt like he was gonna pass out so we didn't go out for halloween. sat we walked around downtown, shopped, went to AC and then we got in another fight sat when he disappeared for over an hour while we were there. sunday we ran some errands, watched football at my place and he cooked dinner.

ah crap i gotta go to bed. the obama cheering has died down so maybe i'll be able to sleep. i'll probably use earplugs to be safe.

dear sad sunday deb: time is continuous. it doesn't stop just because the weekend is over. it is ever looping, it will loop over again, it's ok. this too shall pass and you will be ok by monday night.

it's friday night and i can see the weekend slip away through my fingers in one second.

I spent the last 24 hours or so at Rachel's parents' house for Yom Kippur and it was really nice. Maybe more later? Nice dinner Weds night, service, Rabbi's nice sermon about worry and how 8% of worry is worth it, the rest is not, it's impossible not to worry b/c worrying means we care. Talked for ~ 2 hours with Rachel after, then bed. Services in the morning, broke the fast early with lunch around 3, nap, dinner across the street and met some really cool people. One girl who I hope will actually friend me on fb and maybe we can hang out b/c she just moved downtown and doesn't know anyone, and works at Parc. She seems cool.

Also:

Jason and I got iphones last weekend! Weee.

Sat he did hw, we went to dinner at La Fontana Della Citta, had ppl over. I was super tired but drank an espresso thingy and woke up.

Bed time. Bus to Reading tomorrow.

but really, am i happy? i've felt unhappy lately. shouldn't i be happy? jason did not make me happy telling me how i do nothing about stuff i have the power to change. didn't make me feel good at all.

there was a time i was deep, a time i was profound, a time i had some ounce of spirituality, more than what i have now. where did she go? i'm always afraid. i never do anything but i complain all the time.

these are the things that suck about me.

i no longer live at 19th and chestnut. so weird. spent the whole weekend moving. jason and pete moved almost all my furniture friday night, along with mostly everything else. jason and i got the rest on saturday, then went to his parents' for a bit, hung out, ate dinner, went back and finished the move for good. went to sleep at 11 pm on sat b/c we were soo exhausted from moving. sun went to reading for his peewee football game and hanging out, and i did some laundry since the washer/dryer broke at my place this sat. tiring weekend for sure. i fell asleep in the car to AND from reading, i was so tired. i'm happy with jason though. :)

In all the excitement of getting ready to move and packing and making plans I haven't had much time to stop and think about how I'm really going to miss this apartment. So much has happened here. So much has happened since I've lived here. I haven't been blogging a lot recently, but this apartment deserves it. This apartment was my first home away from home. The first place that was really mine. I lived here because I earned it, because I found it and secured it. I've paid for it all myself, I decorated it myself, I made it my own. It's seen me through the end of one relationship and the beginning of a new one. It's seen lazy weekend mornings and early days off to work. It's seen me for lunch almost every day during the week. It's seen me laugh, cry, and throw things out of anger, and through it all it's been a wonderful apartment, just right. If Goldilocks were to explore apartments, she'd say this one was juuuust right. This place has been perfect for me in location and size, and amazing when it comes to storage. The fact that all of my life's belongings are with me in this apartment and it looks spotless when it's clean has made this just the most perfect niche for me.

I am leaving you, apartment, for two reasons only. The first is simple: there is no convenient washer/dryer around for me to use, and there is only so much laundry-mooching I can do. The second is far more complicated: I couldn't bear to live alone anymore. So, apartment, please don't take it personally. I am going to miss you more than I can say, and I will always think of you fondly. I just needed to move on, upgrade to a place with a washer/dryer, and live with someone so I can stop feeling alone, because one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.

But in all seriousness, I will really miss this place.

i really haven't blogged much lately. i guess i do sort of have a weekly routine: go to work, come home and relax, watch tv for a bit, go to the gym, shower, eat dinner, talk to jason. see jason on the weekends (which i love). jason's working this weekend so it's the first weekend i've woken up on saturday with absolutely nothing to do. i slept til about 10:30 and now i'm just lounging in bed. it's nice.

it's amazing how we all go on in our different existences thinking we are normal, or thinking we are good, and that others will look at us and scoff, say we only skim the surface of the deep ocean life has to offer. i look at certain people, people i used to know, and laugh. but i am sure that people look at me and have the same reaction.

jason's working this weekend which is why i'm just hanging out here. i'm moving to my new apartment with brittany in one week and i'm not packed, but this is one of those daunting tasks i put off until i absolutely have to do it. instead i just spent time trying to clear off one of my hard drives. and now i should go get ready to hang out with fred (for my 6 hour time slot i will see him today).

Jason said I love you on Saturday. I said it back. I floated on a cloud for 2 days straight. Then we got in a fight today about him helping me move in two weekends, because he wanted to go brew beer with his dad and uncle for 6 - 8 hours on Sat when I want to be moving.

I really haven't been blogging much lately. I'm definitely in one of my moods where I don't feel much like it. I've nothing spiritual, metaphoric or deep to say, and I don't feel like recording my every day or every week happenings, although the latter is why I'm blogging now. Quick debriefing of Newport (or should I spell it Newpooort):
- good drive up, fun time
- get there, shotgun a beer each, beirut
- sat was rainy so we took forever to get out, did ocean drive, went back and colored, took naps (I couldn't sleep)
- sat night via via and kings/shotguns/purple nurples, out to a bar (riverdeck or something?). really fun til Rachel started fighting with Joe. actually, I didn't even notice this so I had a great time there. get back, Rachel + Joe huuuuuge fight, lasts for hours and into the next day. bed around 5:30 am.
- sun = beach day. Rachel + Joe's fight makes us leave 3 hours later than we should have, getting us there around 12:30 or 1. still very nice day at the beach. sat at the surfer's end cause we had to park in some rando field.
- left, showered, a few drinks, v, drinks at red parrot and dinner at black pearl. I got reallllly exhausted at dinner, and the lamb wasn't as good as it should have been, but the clam chowda was delish as always.
- went home after this, played Rachel + Joe in scrabble but they were being dicks about it. bed.
- clean house mon. come home. slept about 45 min the ride home. jason did the whole drive. he's great. i'm so happy with him right now.

i am going to newport for the first time in two years TONIGHT. I AM GOING TO NEWPORT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS TONIGHT!!!!!! I AM GOING TO NEWPORT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i got up at 7:40 b/c i just couldn't sleep anymore!!!!!!

last night i dreamt i bought an impulse ticket to spain and amsterdam. for some reason i was going over with will, and all i kept thinking was, why was i going with him, and how i wished jason could go. because i was going on such short notice i kept panicking about not having stuff. first my passport, which i found in my purse. next my ticket, which will said he had. then i had to go look for something else. i went to find a bathroom before we went through the gate to start boarding, and i ended up in a maze-like underground area with locker rooms, stairs and doors leading all over, and i couldn't find my way out. i was under time pressure to get back in time to make my flight. i think it was at that point that i woke up.

today ended much better than it started.

i woke up today sad and tired, feeling generally depressed and discouraged about my present and future. i guess i'm just sick of waking up on monday morning and thinking what's the point? i may finish this post later. basically colin (from cc) came over and we played video games, i have an meeting with the head of IT at my firm and the firm admin tomorrow, and i had a workout that made me feel better. but the morning sucked. back to gamecube zelda...

I have been having vivid dreams every night for the past week. Every morning I wake up with the images engrained in my mind's eye. One night I was a spy in a war, stealthy infiltrating the enemy's camp while avoiding being caught and killed. One night I was sailing in Newport. The other dreams have become fuzzy now, but in the morning when I woke they were clear as a movie I had just seen. Jason gave me a book about the psychology of dreams to read. The author is a little verbose but it is definitely interesting. I find that I often have vivid dreams, more so than others (so they say). I try to interpret them, figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me or trying to figure out from these dreams, since, after all, that is the purpose of them. The author of the book makes some very interesting points regarding the primal nature of dreams, the fact that we sometimes don't even make a conscious note of things that happen to us, even things that strike us emotionally, and that they get filed away into our subconscious, only to come out in ridiculous-seeming ways in our dreams. It's interesting.

Tomorrow I have an informal meeting with the head of IT at my firm to discuss whether I can try working in the IT department doing help desk type work. Friday I have an interview with two men at Clearchannel in NYC for a music marketing type job. Both of these are areas I am very interested in, but obviously the jobs are very different. I started stressing out today about what it will mean if I get offered the job in NY. It is in the industry I want, and if they offered me enough money to afford living in NYC, how could I pass it up? But Jason lives in reading and how will we work out if he's there and I'm in NY? Everyone I talk to tells me to wait and see what happens. If they offer me a job I will be excited and upset, if they don't offer it I will be upset they didn't thing I was qualified, and if they don't offer enough money I just don't think I can accept. But a lot depends on that, including whether I try to find a place to live here, the phone provider I get (I plan on getting the iphone as soon as my cell phone contract ends), and of course, things with Jason. The IT thing is really appealing because I love the location of where I work, but I just can't stand my job anymore. I definitely think I can do what would be required of me, although the head of IT thinks it might bore me too. At least it would be something different, and I'd be in Philly. It would also give me experience so that I could do IT somewhere else if I decided I didn't like the job enough. It seems like the better option for right now, but I have this interview on Friday and I will obviously do my best. Enough about this for now, it's stressing me out.

I have local taxes from the hellish time I lived in WG to pay. I've put it off for about three weeks I think. Ugh.

This past weekend Jason and I went to his high school friends' jean shorts party Fri night (after getting in a fight). Saturday we sat out at the pool at my grandmother's apt, went shopping (I got guitar hero aerosmith), we fought a little, and had a delicious dinner at Continental. Literally two minutes after we ordered, and after telling us that our food would come out as it was ready, they brought our entire meal out. And it was delicious. And we scarfed it down in 15 minutes flat. The dessert took longer than the actual meal, and that probably took 5 minutes. We were out of there in about 45 minutes, maybe less, had time to stop at my apt for about 20 minutes, then went to see Batman on the omniverse theater at Franklin. It was awesome. Sunday we did some shopping (Khols), I did laundry at his parents' house, we napped on the couch while it stormed, I ran outside when it got sunny and saw a beautiful rainbow, and then we watched a movie (Waiting...very funny movie). Overall a pretty good weekend.

Tonight I had a good workout. Lately my clothes have been too tight so I have been trying to cut back on what I eat and exercise more. I really need to lose 10 - 15 pounds. I know I should be happy with how I look but when clothes that fit me in May no longer fit, it is unacceptable.

Showertime.

Last night I dreamt I was in high school, in the old upper school gym at Springside. The gym was filled with people and we were in a line to do bowling. We had two chances with two kickballs of different sizes, and we had to knock down a bunch of other kickballs off of a stand. My "bowling" aka kick- balls were green. I almost took pink ones. I kept getting messages while I was in line for my turn. It was the same thing - your massage is ready. Someone from my family (my aunt, I later discovered) had gotten me an hour long massage. When it was my turn there was some map of instructions with weird directions and symbols I didn't understand on it b/c I hadn't been paying attn when they gave instructions. I ended up knocking all the balls down, the second shot was lucky b/c I overshot and it bounced off the wall back onto the stand to knock the balls off. After that I read an email from Volpe about my grandfather and there was a 360 tour of some house that was meant to represent my grandparents' and I found a bunch more pics and other stuff that reminded me of him.

I have to get to work but at the start of my dream Jason and I woke up at my place and had to go to work, but then realized it was Saturday. I later realized it WASN'T Saturday...wishful thinking.

I had no idea a funeral and day of mourning could be so completely exhausting.

My grandfather passed away on Sunday. Died. My grandmother and I had a conversation about saying "passed away" versus "died" and we both agreed that somehow, "passed away" just doesn't do it justice. I think it sugar coats something so sad and awful that it can't be sugar coated and no one should try to.

I've been handling it weirdly. I don't really want to write more about it here. I don't know what to do with myself and how to react. It's weird.

I don't want this to be devoid of emotion, even though that is almost how I feel right now, how I've felt since I got the call from Rachel. I am so sad to have lost him, the smartest, most hard working, upstanding man I ever knew. The closest I ever had to a father. He will never be forgotten, and if I ever have kids and grand kids, and maybe even great grand kids, they will always hear stories about my wonderful grandfather. Rest in peace granddad. Wherever that is (my religious ambivalence will end here for now)...

while i really should have been in bed half an hour ago, i randomly decided to see what i was doing exactly one year ago. what was i doing? working at circuit fucking city. yes, fucking city. (fuck city) and finding old letters from my mom's old boyfriends and wondering what her life was like before me, before my dad, before any of this mess.

i read something in one post - about crisis situations - that made me want to write down a realization i had recently:

i need time to adjust to almost every situation. whenever a change is happening or will happen, i like to know in advance, whether it is a few minutes, days, months, however long is possible for me to reason it out in my head. my first reaction to things is to freak out. i have learned this time and time again with various situations with my mom, with moving, with jobs, with boys, with jason. i asked jason the other week to tell me at least five minutes before he plans to leave, just so i can know. just so it's not abrupt. i don't deal well with abruptness (or bluntness, but that is another beast, though possibly related). it seems i react emotionally to most situations and then later let my mind take over. it is something i really need to work on, but at least recognizing it and realizing what will help me is a step in the right direction. now i just need to get to the point where i can deal with pressure situations, or situations that don't give me time to mull the whole thing over in my brain and use my logic to tell myself everything is ok. dear year-from-now self: have you made any progress on this?

This blog is long overdue for an update of everything that's been going on. I find that I blog less when I'm happy, and when I'm busy. The logical (and correct) conclusion from that is that I've been both. With that said...

Last night I dreamt I was vacationing on a beach in Mexico with my mom. She was fine. She even said something that made me annoyed with her. But that's besides the point. I remember the sun, the sand, and some Spanish speaking natives, with whom I started speaking Spanish. Really, I was speaking it my dream, which is cool. Even in my dream I made grammatical errors, but corrected myself, just as I do in real life. It became night and we were still on the beach, but looking up at the sky I felt (or realized?) that we were inside. The night sky and clouds looked like they were cascading down the ceiling and walls. It was odd. Then I woke up to a gloomy (but finally temperate) day in Philly.

I'm already finding myself distracted by TV. Yup, there I went.

Quickly:

- Jason and I are officially dating. I can say rather confidently that this is the healthiest relationship I've ever had. It's not perfect (what is?) but he is a good match for me. I've never had an argument with someone who can remain level headed with me and talk it out and I end up smiling. He's yelled too, but only when it was warranted. I dunno... he's great.

- Granddad is pretty much on death's door. Rachel said she thought he was going to die today, that I shouldn't go b/c it's so awful and it's not even him, but the hospice nurse says he will hang on a little longer, so I am hoping to go either tomorrow or Saturday. I know he's already gone, but I am going to be so sad when he fully leaves this earth. I love you Granddad.

- Becky has lyme disease and WEST NILE VIRUS. I am not kidding. Poor Becky. My family really goes all out when they have a problem. Her face is paralyzed and from what I gather she's in pain/feeling really crappy.

Tons of other shit has been going on too. I've started looking for a new job. Debating about looking in NYC vs. Philly has been driving me nuts lately. Jason is the main reason not to leave at this point. I can always take a 2 hour bus ride back for my family, but it's hard enough with him in Reading and me in Philly. But I've decided not to stress until I actually have to. Apartment hunting is going on too. I've started looking at places in Philly. Two bedrooms since I'm supposed to live with Eli. But he looooves the place he's subletting and I don't. I don't think it's that great, he thinks it's "sick" and is "going to be really picky" about a new place. So just to be safe I've decided to look at studios and one BR's too. Two days ago I mailed in the form to my landlord telling them I'm not renewing my lease, and the next day I got this shady ass email from them telling me to tell them by the end of that day when I planned to move out. I called them to say I didn't know, they pressured me and bullshitted me, and then said "fine, your lease is in full force until the end of this October. But if you want to renew it for 6 or 8 months you can." Shady ass motherfuckers.

There's more, oh there's more. I had the BEST weekend last weekend with Jason. Saturday, more specifically, was a wonderful wonderful day. Jason and I had many adventures, from being the giant and giantess of his apartment, walking through the woods, getting scared we had gotten poison ivy, music listening, walking at dusk with popsicles and enjoying the beauty of nature, finding an empty soccer field where we laid and watched the sun set behind an amazing cloud formation that shimmered because of the heat rising from the ground and formed amazing shapes (like little foot and his mom), shadowboxing, and movie watching. Sigh.. It was truly wonderful. I started this week out so relaxed and refreshed, as if I'd been on the best vacation ever.

And on that happy happy note, I will go to bed, and hopefully dream of the field.

yes, it's been entirely too long since i last posted. no, what i write now will not be sufficient to cover everything that's happened since my last post.

. becky is in the hospital with lyme disease
. i was sad and weepy all day. then i went to sephora and bought some makeup to cheer myself up
. jason came on wednesday
. i am in the process of finding a new job. i'm too sick of mine; i've had it. some prospects are in nyc. this is a problem. can i really turn down a job in the music industry (specifically, music marketing) if they offer me the right salary? but what will happen with me and jason?
. i sit at work day in and day out thinking about the last point and stressing.
. like jason said, the fact that he is stressing so much means he cares. yeah. same.

i really haven't blogged much lately and i know that, but i haven't felt like it.

looking at my pictures from my trip..i can't believe i was ever there. it seems like a far off dream, something vivid imagination, a machination of my mind, that was never real.

lots of stuff has happened since i last blogged. i'm going to bed now so i can't type them all. today i saw indiana jones w/ jason. we're planning on going to delaware next weekend for 4th of july and i'm looking forward to it :)

time for bed

i have felt really gross and fat, moreso than i have in a while. i was so healthy and on such a good run of going to the gym almost every day. i had good leg muscles and i looked good and felt good. it has been nearly impossible to force myself back into that groove. i made myself go on friday and saturday, but sunday i visited mom mom and granddad, and then today i didn't go either. tomorrow i'm visiting my mom and hoping i'll force myself to go when i get back, but i don't know if i will. i just can't figure out what is causing this complete lack of motivation and energy.

Rachel drove me back from the nursing home, which was really nice. On the way back I told her and Jenny about my trip, and Rachel said that considering what a tight leash my mom had me on growing up, it was interesting what a wanderer I am. What an interesting choice of words. Wanderer. Me? A wanderer? I told her that I'm really not and that I am making myself do things like take a trip to Europe to prove that I can, because they scare me. She said she would never want to fly on a plane by herself. So, a wanderer. I guess it's all about perspective.

Eli came over around 11:30 b/c I had asked him to. We've tried to hang out a ton of times since I got back and none have worked out, for one reason or another. It is really nice to know that when I need him he is there. It is nice to know I have people like that. I would certainly do the same for him and for my other close friends. (He also asked if I want to go on birthright with him and I said yes...I have been wanting to and that would be perfect).

I don't know what this is supposed to be like. There is no rule book for imminent death.

Tonight, 15 minutes before I was to leave to visit my mom for the first time since before I left for Europe, my cousin Rachel called me. I almost didn't pick up, but then thought it could be an emergency. It sort of was. My grandfather had had another stroke and couldn't even open his eyes this time. I hopped on the next train to my cousins', where Rachel and Jenny picked me up and we went to the nursing home where he's been for the past many months. There we found him, or the skeleton of him. He has shrunken (shrank? shrunk? I don't know) in size. We got there and he was sleeping, mouth open, with an oxygen tube in his nose. The three of us sat there sobbing until my grandmother arrived. At some point my grandfather woke, though did not open his eyes. He made faces. He made a face of pain and Jenny loosened the tube that was digging into his neck, and he made a face of relief. A little bit later he opened his eyes. My grandfather's beautiful eyes, eyes I may never see again. Boy does that sound dramatic. Boy is it dramatic. My aunt, uncle and cousin Becky came a little while later. By this point he had his eyes open and was trying to talk to us, though we could not understand what he was saying. At one point he said he was sorry. Sorry for worrying us, for causing us pain, I suppose. He also told a few of us, separately, to go home. Even in his state he is worried about us. What a selfless man.

What a smart man. What a kind and caring man. The smartest man I know. Brave, hardworking, with high morals and standards and a great sense of humor. And his hands and feet were always warm. And he used to rub my tummy when it hurt to make it feel better.

We lingered. Rachel wanted to leave but none of us wanted to go with her. My grandmother told him it was ok to let go, to stop fighting. That is when I lost it.

He is on hospice, which means that he is there to be taken care of until he dies. I did not know this until today. He is DNR. I did not know this until today. He may die tomorrow. I did not know this until today.

I guess it's both a blessing and a curse to have a small family like I have. On the one hand, there are less people to be there for you, especially if you feel alienated from the largest group. On the other hand, there are less deaths possible. The last funeral I went to was for my Gammy when I was quite young. I remember her, I remember the funeral, I remember being sad. That is all I remember. No one really close to me has ever died. The people who know me well know that my grandparents are much more like parents to me than grandparents. Having lived with them since the age of one I never had the usual relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren. We fought, they scolded me, and we were far closer than is the norm for our relationship. So to face losing my grandfather, even though he is really already gone, is unfathomable. It's been a long time coming but when he's really gone...what will I do? What will we do? Oh, we will go on of course. We will mourn and grieve and cry and wonder why and live and move on and keep him in our memories forever. He will never really be dead. But we will never be able to speak to him again. Never be able to tell him how handsome he is and, even though he can't speak, have him smile back at us and make us smile.

We said goodbye to him tonight. I said goodbye to the smartest man I know, my grandfather and pseudo-father. The man who took on more responsibility than was ever required of him, and took it in stride. We each held his hand. I stood by his side and said I love you, told him I missed seeing him. Gave him two kisses on the forehead and asked him for a kiss, bent my head down by his face and got possibly the last kiss he'll ever give me.

Saying goodbye is so hard. I can only say that I wish he would no longer be in pain, that his suffering will end. If there is a heaven, he will surely go there.

dear sad sunday me:

you will be ok. it is not the end of the world and there is meaning to life. you will feel fine in 24 hours. rinse and repeat. everything will be ok.

love,

monday evening you

spent the whole day with jason and had a blast, from the second he came over to the second he dropped me off (after i'd been falling asleep on his shoulder almost the whole car ride). more later, but i leave you/me with this: we spent a good chunk of time in toys 'r us being add kinda...well moreso me being the add kid and him indulging me/laughing, but he had his fun too.

having fallen asleep last night at 9:15 pm, i cannot really stay asleep any longer. i do enjoy this jet lag - getting up early and not being tired is very new to me. i even went to work half an hour early yesterday! pretty cool.

i was just lying in bed thinking about the firm softball game i plan to attend tonight, and whether or not my luggage would be delivered to my apartment while i was away and unable to claim it. then i started thinking about why i never did sports, and this is why: i have said it's that i am not competitive. this is completely untrue. i am actually super competitive but with low self esteem and little faith in my ability to be the best. thus, i do not like to challenge myself to do things i have the ability to fail at. if i had played sports i believe i would not have been great at them and there would have been the possibility of losing, which would render me bitter, angry, jealous of the winners, and feeling worse than i had felt about myself. so, in short, i do not play sports for fear of losing and because i am a very very sore loser. perhaps the same can be said about school? of this i am not sure.

Is it weird for a mother to never treat her daughter like an adult? To not trust that her daughter can do things on her own, take care of herself, or make a legitimate, reasoned, logical point? I understand in part why she does this. I am her baby, her little girl, she will never see me as an adult because she remembers me from birth, as a helpless thing that needs to always be taken care of, always watched. But I feel like she, and my family as a whole, has told me more often than not what I can't do, as opposed to what I can do.

With that said, after my mom (and family) telling me not to go to Europe I decided I had to go anyway, and I did. I just got back yesterday from the best trip I've ever been on, in my life. Ever. It was so amazing, I couldn't have asked for a better time. I am so glad I did it. The only snag: I got back to an announcement that half the luggage didn't make it back here, including mine. Hopefully it is not lost and hopefully they will return it and hopefully my fragile things will still be intact. They said in the paper with my confirmation number that they will search my luggage before delivering it to me - awesome! But really, I don't want to bitch about it more than this because the rest of the trip was so incredible.

I'm having dinner with Eli and his mom and sis, who I've never met before, at Devil's Alley at 6:30 so I have to go get ready.

HOLY SHIT I AM LEAVING FOR BARCELONA SO SOON!!!!!!!!!!

if anything happens to me, two the two or three people who read this: tell everyone i love them and tell my family to give all my money to breast cancer research.

EUROPE!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really haven't been blogging much lately. Things of note: 5 yr high school reunion was last weekend. Fri night Tom and his gf Jess (who is awesome) came to my apt, we got drinks and devil's alley. Met up with Eddie at a bar a few blocks away, was surprised to see MIGUEL!!! who is fucking awesome. We convinced him to come on Sat. Miggles and I took the train (missed the R8 so we took the R7) to where Tom and Jess picked us up, went to the "cookout" where no one was for a while. A few girls came, we chatted for a bit, wandered around CHA, went back out to drink a little more from the keg leftover from the cookout, went down to SS and checked out the fucking absurd field house. It has a rowing tank. What a joke. Went to dinner at some place in chestnut hill i've never been to, but it was good. Stopped at Tom's house for a bit, then went to Eddie's and played cranium. Tom and Jess dropped Miggles and me back off and I got 10 hours of sleep that night.

Monday softball was cancelled but I still had a good evening. Yesterday had lunch with Jonah on the grass in rittenhouse, dinner on a bench in rittenhouse with Eli, gym, then Angelee came over and we hung out since she's going back to TX while I'll be away.

Speaking of being away, I AM LEAVING ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got a bunch of shit done tonight - got my hair cut, walked back and stopped at rite aid, then a luggage store on broad where i picked up a luggage lock that is supposed to be approved by airlines since they have a master key to unlock the luggage, and one of those nerdy passport and money holders you put around your waist and under your pants so I won't get pickpocketed. Now I just have to PACK.

i love post secret so much because sometimes i find my secrets there, like today.

had a very very good weekend up until sunday when i got back from nyc.


maybes write about it later. nyc was a blast. rina's party. got my third black eye while i was there.

The woman at work that I absolutely HATED resigned today!!!! I couldn't be happier.

Rachel also booked our hostel. We're staying at the Kabul Backpacker's Hostel which everyone has said is the place to be if you want to meet lots of people (and party). I hope it's not TOO crazy but it sounds like a very social place so I'm hoping it's fun!! Someone said it's just a 20 minute walk from the beach too!!

i forgot about the episode of sex and the city in which carrie mentions her dad (the same one where she starts writing for vogue, charlotte throws miranda a baby shower, and samantha has a threesome...completely edited out in the tv version). in it she says her dad quit her mom and her when she was five, and asks if that means she is destined to have problems with men for the rest of her life. i forgot about how much it reminded me of me.

i never realized how much i use my left hand, being a righty, until my wrist really started hurting my recently. it hurts to grip things or twist my wrist. apparently i often use my left hand to open doors, bottle caps, and to hold things. it hurts.

17 days til i leave for europe

finally got to talk to rachel on gmail tonight. talked a little bit more about logistics and what i should/should not bring, etc. i feel a little better and definitely soo excited!!

let's see. it's cold, rainy, i'm tired, i'm not even looking forward to next weekend now. what a dismal day.

the bottom line is that sadness is necessary. it is part of life and we need it just as we need happiness. whether because it lets us know we are alive, or because it lets us have a basis for comparison for when things are good, or for a multitude of other reasons, sadness is there. it is there for a reason. it is why we are human.

most of the time i feel ok. then there are times, like 2:18 am on sunday morning, that i realize that i am not ok. i know i've been drinking tonight but i also know that's not it. i've always felt that drinks bring out the beast inside. the lonely, the sad, the offended, the angry, the bitter. whenever drinking brings out these negatives it is for a reason. right now it is the sad and it's because i know that deep down i am not ok; deep down i am fractured. it is times like these that i feel i have been effectively distracting myself, but that these are the shining moments, the moments of truth, of the deep reality that lies underneath, the reality i suffocate on a day to day basis.

and how would you feel to know i am saying this right now?

i don't know why i haven't been blogging a lot lately. i guess i go through phases where i really feel like it and phases where so much is going on that even when i'm relaxing in my apartment i don't feel like taking the time to write about recent events.

Hung out with Jason and his friend from reading, his friend's gf, and two other guys last night (here, not in reading). it was a blast. as i write this i am getting distracted so i will just end the post here.

this is the kind of day that doesn't ever get started. i'm sure it has to do with the very little sleep i got last night, but the dreary atmosphere outside does not help. it is cloudy and cool, a combination that does not do it for me. i want to nap but i'm about to watch an ep of lost for the hell of it.

i loved my hair shorter than it is, but it finally got back to low maintenance length where i can let it air dry and it looks good. i like it this length too. i may get a trim before my trip but i'm not getting it cut that short again before i leave.

As I sit here eating the burned kettle corn I just made and watching Men In Black (one of my favorite Will Smith movie rolls), I am content. I haven't had great workouts this week, I've felt a little fatter and been hungrier than I have been. But I am content right now to sit here and watch tv and talk to people online.

Best line from the end of the movie: "I've just been down the gut of an interstellar cockroach, kid. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want."

May or may not be going to reading this weekend :-D very much looking forward to it.

My favorite quote from one of the websites I stumbled upon through google with the question "is it true that if you get a tattoo you can not be buried in a jewish cemetary?"

Today's Reform Responsa, pp. 119-21: "Tattooing and Burial." Here's a brief summary:

Leviticus 19:28 forbids slashing the body as a sign of mourning for the dead, and tattooing one's skin (ketovat ki-aka is the term employed). The Mishnah, in Makkot 3:6, takes up this Halachah and, on page 21a of Makkot Bar Kapparah says that tattooing is a sin only if the tattoo consists of the name of an idol. In others words, tattooing is not a priori forbidden, but writing the name of a idol on one's skin is. The issue is discussed further in the Shulchan Arukh (Yoreh Deah 180:1). Some later authorities say that the prohibition in Leviticus refers to tattooed writing only, but other tattoos would be permissible. Violation of this -- out of the 365 negative commandments -- should not preclude burial in a Jewish cemetery, since there is no rule that one who violates a rule may not be buried in a Jewish cemetery. (Freehof notes that were that the case, our cemeteries would be empty.)

In exactly one month I will be getting ready to leave for Barcelona. As I type that and read it over again it doesn't seem real, yet at the same time gives me a little upside down feeling in my stomach. That feeling is a mix of excitement, fear, worry, and still more excitement. I've now had four or five dreams about my trip. Last night I dreamt that I was already in Prague, that my time in Barcelona had flown by so fast I could barely even remember it. That dream addressed two things I have not been able to stop thinking about: my trip and the passing of time, which lately has seemed to be zooming, no matter what I'm doing. Of course being bored at work makes time seem to slow a bit, but it only slows to a gallop rather than a trot. The weekends are gone sooner than they started because they have been so great lately. There seems to be nothing I can do to slow it down and I'm worried to wish any time away because so much more will be gone before I know it. The last time I checked I was booking my filghts in March. It's already midway through April. I really need to start making a packing list and figuring out more details for my trip. The email from British Airways about a change in terminals in Heathrow got me a little more focused on trip-planning again, since I had taken a little respite. All I really have figured out is my flights. I (we, really) still need to figure out the hostel situation. I need to figure out what I'll do when I get to Prague and Rachel's still at work. I need to figure out how much money to bring. I need to make copies of my passport, figure out if I need to buy adaptors for my power plugs, charge batteries, figure out the deal with putting toiletries in ziplock bags, figure out what bag to check, if I should check one at all..

My head is swimming with these thoughts. I called verizon twenty minutes ago and they have a global travel program where you call three days before you leave and they mail you a cell phone that works globally. They quoted me per minute rates in Barcelona and Prague that will apply to calls I make anywhere in the world. It sounds pretty cool and I think I'm going to do it just to know that I have a phone with me if I need it. I guess with that I'll need to write my phone numbers down. I need to bring a watch since I'm used to using the clock on my cellphone. I don't want to bring a nice watch b/c there are pickpocketers in Spain. A guy from work said I could borrow his nerdy travel zippy pouch that you put around your neck and under your clothes, so nothing gets stolen. I think I'll take him up on it.

So, despite work being boring, I have filled these past three days with thoughts of near or far off places and people, plans for the future, and music and thoughts of the past. It's kept me busy and it's helped time continue to run away from me.

I guess I wish a lot of things. At some point I will have to stop wishing and do something, or realize that I am the only thing stopping me.

... I wrote that on 4/11/06. Still holds true.

Every once in a while I like to go back through old blog posts from the same month or same day as the present day to see what I was thinking and feeling at the time, to see how I've grown, to see how I've changed. This is why I keep my blog. To see how I have grown. To look back and comfort myself that things worked out, that I have grown. I also keep it to see where I have fallen short, to be able to look back and say, wow I haven't changed in this way at all.

One of my biggest problems seems to be a lack of action. I'm good at talking, good at planing, good at saying. Not so good at doing.

Another problem is that I don't believe in myself. I constantly think less of myself than I probably should, and all that happens is I look back and chide my past self for being so foolish and hard on myself.

With that said, I need to get ready for bed so I don't get sicker.

concerts i've been to lately:

-mae
-morcheeba
-ok go/gym class heroes/ludacris

concerts i will be going to:

-sara bereilles (however you spell it)

Ok, this I started writing on the 9th...

This past weekend was the OTB spring show. It was a blast. Really an amazing time that flew by because I was enjoying myself so much. I couldn't have really asked for it to be any better.

My landlord called me at 6:20 pm on Saturday while we were out at mad4 starting out pre-show festivities. They asked me if I was planning on renewing my lease because someone wanted to look at my apt, and they said that if I would move out two months early they would give me some sort of gift. First off, I think this was pretty bogus. I've been here since October and already they're trying to break my lease and kick me out!?

And now to continue...

This past weekend was fling. The only fling event I went to was the Ok Go/Gym Class Heroes/Ludacris concert on Friday night. The concert was amazing. Jason came over beforehand, then we took a cab up there. Getting in was mayhem but once we got in and met up with ppl it was ok. We got there in the middle of OK Go and didn't pay much attention, although the way they had the camera set up on the mic was pretty awesome. During Gym Class Heroes the skies opened up and it began to pour. Not wanting to stand out in the rain and get COMPLETELY soaked, I made Jason go up to the covered part of the stands with me after about ten or fifteen minutes of the constant rain. We still enjoyed ourselves immensely up there. The beats and melodies were just wonderful. We went down when Luda came on since we wanted to get closer and the rain had lightened up, and Jason gave me his long sleeve shirt to wear. Luda was sick. I definitely didn't know all of his songs but still had a great time. He did a lot of teasers, where he'd do the first verse/chorus of a song and then switch to a different one, which was pretty sweet.

After the concert we went to noche.

Saturday we ate brunch at Rachael's gnosherie right next door. It was like stepping into another realm. Suddenly it was Saturday brunch with the old Jewish folk. It was pretty funny. We laid low during the day Sat until around 4ish when we walked to south street. We saw the most amazing artist right at the end of south street. He had a bunch of cans of spray paint and in 5 minutes created a work of art by taping a piece of paper to a board, spinning it around, spraying random paints on it, and, using miscellaneous tools and pieces of paper, carving out patterns to make mountains, a moon, waterfalls...it was really exquisite. So Jason bought two and I bought one and I'm very happy with my purchase. I also bought a Beatles Abbey Road poster, a poster that says "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle," and a poster of a sailboat that was only $5 and is pretty awesome. Ate dinner there, then walked back to my place. Watched a little Harry Potter on TV, got some drinks, and played beirut (I whooped his ass).

Sunday we played some more beirut and just hung out and had a great time.

The weekends always fly by. OTB show weekend seemed to be over in a blink of an eye. And while last weekend flew by too, we did so much and had such a great time in so many unique ways that there is so much to still think about and enjoy and relive until next weekend.

(I am currently fighting a cold. Apparently getting out of the rain did not help.)

real quick..

Gmail always has funny april fool's day jokes.

the weather today was rainy off and on and gloomy and wonderfully warm. later on the skies cleared and the sun came out to greet me with a smile, which i returned. this weather invigorates me, it brightens and lightens me. it makes me want to stay up and enjoy the warm night, not go to sleep in preparation for the next day.

I had dinner at my cousins' tonight. It's always nice to be with my family, and the weather was beautiful which made it all the more enjoyable. While I was there my aunt asked me what the deal is with my trip. I told her the details, discussed a few things with her (how much money I should take, traveler's insurance - yay or nay, etc.). I told her part of the reason I want to go is to prove to myself that I'm a real person. What I mean by that is that I feel the need to prove I can really do something like this, travel to another country, on my own. She said "don't BS me, you really want to go." Of course I really want to go, but why did she not understand that this was part of the reason? Why did she think I was bullshitting her? What purpose would that serve?

Here goes. I wrote this one Friday night I spent alone in the apartment in Willow Grove. I like it but I realize I may be the only one...


Heavy on thoughts but none consistent, I try to verbalize my mind, but my words come out rhymes. It’s the proverbial space in time. Always take two more than you thought, I’m high in the sky, I can fly, I’m an astronaut. Thinking things clean and thinking things slow, let’s take a turn let’s get down low. Rjd2 help me out here…

I’m sorry right now I’m the princess and the pea I can’t feel nothin else but what’s buggin me. Rjd2 help me out, I gotta get up, I gotta get on, I gotta get my own route. You know, my way? Oh wait I lost it? Get me found, get me home, get me…double played you got it double match, rjd2 help me out.

Aww yeah that’s music to my ears. Speed it up slow it down, put this shit in full gears. I don’t want to rhyme I don’t like the constraints. Don’t and won’t, never did, I said I never will. Never say that don’t you know, some day it’ll be “anything goes.” Sorry to wax negative, wax.. it on wax it off. You can’t tell but I’m typing to the beat of the song. C..click click horns, rock yall or night yall I can’t quite tell.

I repeat myself for emphasis, for emphasis, for emphasis. Deleting is a pain but I don’t think I’d say the same if we had it in the real world. Click click before I talk and there’s auto spell correction, delete delete before I speak, I just can’t sleep, I’m wide awake, I’ll take a shower for the sake of having some direction.

Rj I hate to do it I gotta pause you til you’re ready damn get ready kid I gotta hear those sweet tunes up in my ear the dope notes and words you wrote and all that shit I gotta get. I can’t tell how loud I am to me or how much I’ll ever understand these paragraphs again. Will I always know what I’m talking about, will I always remember what I was saying, or will I forget read back and have no idea what game I was playing.

A post from 3/13/07:

22 on wednesday. it struck me today that in any given month the 22nd is frequently a bad day for me. does this mean that the whole year of 22 will be a bad year? i hope not.


HAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok, I'm done laughing. Yeah 22 was pretty ridiculous (often in not the best way).

Lying in bed this morning I was going through my contacts list in my phone to see if there were any I could delete. I got to the H section and there it was, "Home". The number listed under "Home" was not in fact the phone number for my home. It was the phone number for the apartment in Willow Grove rented for one year as more of a storage space for the objects that used to be in our real home, a place for my mom if she needed it, and a roof over my head when I graduated until I could find a new place to live. That apartment was far from being my home. That apartment was a nightmare, haunted by the ghosts that possessed our possessions, haunted by my mom, by her presence when she was there and her absence when she was gone. My real home is my grandparents' house, the house I grew up in. Rather, it was my home; my grandparents have since sold it. That was the last home I had. I can visit my grandmother, in the same apartment building I left behind with a sigh of relief. I can go to my cousins' house, but I don't call these places my home. So, when I deleted "Home" from my phone I was deleting a place that no longer exists, admitting its non-existence to myself, letting it truly sink in. It was with a twinge of sadness that I deleted it, but also a feeling of acceptance, of understanding that this is just how my situation is, this is my life, and as long as I have friends that truly care about me, as long as I have some family to go back to, I will always have a home.

i just paid my taxes and took care of my finances and i feel great about that. my rebate about covers my flight to and from europe, too.

i used to write. i used to write and the words would flow from my mind through my fingertips as if gravity naturally forced them through, as if their pressure had grown so strong that the only relief was to write them down in art form. they didn't always flow with ease but i could craft them and mould them like a piece of clay, chipping away at the soft ones i didn't like, flattening out the ones that were too round or misshapen, and, if need be, scrapping the whole thing back into a mass and starting over again. i used to like being alone. it's not that i don't like it now, but i used to like the thought of being alone. i used to stare out of windows on the train, reveling in my alone-ness, thinking that if i looked hard enough into the black trees silhouetted against the royal blue sky i could find a deeper meaning there, that if i listened hard enough they would whisper secret truths to me and only me, because i was listening and the others were not. i used to watch others with intent curiosity. i used to wonder why, why they were and how they became the way they were, how the years of their lives had shaped them, moulded them, the moving clay sculptures of the world, into the unknown faces with familiar emotions i saw on the train, on the streets, in my schools.

now i walk with a weight, i walk with an anger i wish i did not have. i do not wonder why people are, only why they are in my way. i do not wonder why they are smiling and laughing and talking amongst themselves, only why they are so inconsiderate as to be completely unaware of their surroundings. while i have not forgotten it, i think there is not enough of the carefree innocence i used to know (and at the same time did not know, the obliviousness being part of the innocence). and while i do not create this weight, i do dwell on it. i dwell on its heaviness, its hopelessness, the sorrow it causes me. i used to wonder about my relationships, i used to wonder a bit about strangers, more about friends, and most about how my friends felt about me. now i wonder what life holds in store for me, wondering if i will inevitably follow the same path she has unwillingly (or willingly?) gone down. while my vision and focus has often been on myself, the questions i am asking and the reality i'm facing have turned in a very different direction. i used to think and feel profoundly deep, now i feel profoundly sorrowful. the darkness of the past led to beauty, it led to the words that used to flow, the art i felt i made. the darkness of the present, rather, the everything of the present, does not release the same pretty power. i no longer make art, i simply make attempts to quell the sorrow, to squash it out of existence, fully knowing i am merely squeezing it out of my thoughts until a later time.

and where am i even going with this? do you care? does anyone really care more about me than me, or more about anyone else than themselves? aren't we all just trying to get by? and don't we all do what we have to to survive? denial is not just a river in egypt.

i used to do really cool word associations, more like run on sentences that lasted for pages that were understandable, i knew, only to me. there was no punctuation no caps and only one space between each word so how could you possibly tell where i meant to start and stop only i knew where the pauses were meant to be meant as in destined thats not really what i mean but when i used to say meant he made fun of me for it because thats what he said it sounded like that was before he said the most hurtful thing he could have said to me and it was over just like that i cant say as quickly as it began because things never end smoothly or cleanly its never a cut and drywall situation i told you i bite my tongue around you because it would be so easy to just reveal myself say here i am this is my shit i am crazy and i know what makes me that way and i am having a hard time changing it and the fear of my future is driving me up a wall but here it is i dont know why what is it about my personality that makes me want to tell people things and what it is about your personality that makes me want to tell you things and makes me think it might be ok but i so dont trust my judgment its gotten me nowhere good in the past ive just never been good at the games i hate games but i also realize ideals dont happen he said you have to find someone crazy like you and then you said the same thing to me i thought it was so funny because lately ive realized it is the people who have their own shit their own deep rooted serious fuck you up good type shit that i click with because we know we have this understanding we know everyone is crazy and we know were crazy we know were the fucking nuttiest of the bunch and all we want to do is share it with each other know were ok or that well be ok and if not that at least we have each other the camaraderie of the crazies makes you feel less sane or like crazy is ok because we are all functioning at enough of a level to get by and to enjoy ourselves every once in a while if not more often and oh boy i dont know why but the run on sentences spill out easier than anything else i dont have to craft them i dont have to come up with metaphors and similes i dont have to perfect it because by nature it is imperfect and therefore requires no more than just writing without deleting without going back without revising it just is.

and then fixing a drink and playing guitar hero totally calmed my nerves. wow.

if i had a wii i would play tennis and whack the hell out of that ball to get out my aggression. since i can't, i am going to fix myself a drink.

just to contrast my last post, a quick summary of my birthday weekend:

friday went to dinner with eli, breton, meghan, frankie, sam, jason, hema and her bf, and fred showed up too. we went to the vietnam palace restaurant (conveniently located across from the vietnam restaurant where we had planned to go but had an hour and a half wait). it was really nice, the food was ok. the company was great. after that we headed into old city to plough which was actually very fun. the past couple times i've been there it was not busy and lame, but those were also on week nights i do believe. we ended up at tables outside, me with my wonderful tiara (and frankie...thank you again soooo much for the present!!!!.. i don't even know what to say aside from thank you. and thank you for the flowers. you are wonderful.)

saturday was also wonderful. it was supposed to be jason, eli, hema and me for the erin express but ended up being just jason and me b/c eli stayed in. we went to cavs, where fred was conveniently working. we got there and the line was around the corner and halfway down the block. discouraged, we headed to another bar but got a hold of fred who let us in the back. he then gave us free chicken fingers with honey mustard and proceeded to give us free pitchers all day. we played a game of beirut, which we won (obviously), then some games of flip cup, which we won (my team lost when jason switched teams at one point, but to no fault of my own b/c i didn't even get a turn..). i also got a clover sticker and green beads, both gifted to me by different girls who temporarily because my bffs. we made so many friends that day and had such a great time. after cavs we walked back to my place, ordered pick up from devil's alley (mm ribs and stuffin muffins) and then came back to my place. we may or may not have woken up a few hours later after falling asleep immediately when we got back..

sunday fred and i went shopping at j crew and i helped him pick out some sweet clothes, and he bought me a sweet super preppy nantucket red belt with sailboats on it. later on i met up with breton at eulogy for dinner and we went to mae, and fred met us there. the concert was good, but we were disappointed because the guy lowered pretty much all the songs so he could hit the notes, leaving us somewhat unimpressed. but again, great company.

so that is the summary of my fabulous weekend, told with a little less panache (sp?) then there should be for how great it was, but factor in my mood and there ya go.

only two weekends til the otb show which should be fun since stacey and rina are both staying with me (assuming stacey can actually come this time..).

now, off to harry potter. oh, and i guessed who R.A.B. was and i was right!

[rant]

what a crappy day. i hate thursdays. thursday is, from here on out, known as death day. monday and tuesday usually go by pretty quickly. by wednesday i always think, wow i can't believe the week went by so fast! it's already halfway over! then comes thursday, the day that feels like it was tacked on as an extra punishment, the day that shouldn't be, the day that isn't friday. just thursday. the week's more than halfway over, and yet it's not fucking friday. i still have another fucking day of work. fuck. why does this day always take so long to be over? friday i can deal with because friday is the weekend and all i have to do is just get through the day and i'm free. but thursday really has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

fuck you, thursday. especially this thursday. you sucked.

[/rant]

I JUST BOOKED MY FLIGHT TO EUROPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With each step it becomes more real. This is a great (and very real) step.

Oh, and I had a seriously amazing birthday weekend. I must write about it later. I think I'm gonna go ride the bike at the gym and read Harry Potter.

as usual, the sunday after an amazing weekend makes me sad. but..i really had an amazing birthday and a wonderful weekend through and through.

Today i am 23! Where has the time gone? Peace out 22, you kind of sucked.

Also, this is sort of funny: the yellow balloon is now officially dead. New beginning? Letting go of old things? Yes.

what i really wanted last night (aka tuesday night) was a mommy hug. i got that mommy hug today and boy was it great. i saw my mom tonight (i guess last night at this time). she seemed the best she's been since this whole thing started. i got there and told her i had a bad night last night and that i had really wanted a mommy hug and she gave me a nice long hug and rubbed my back and said "sha" which is what she always used to say. for a word that has no "real" meaning it means everything to me. it means "shh honey, it will be ok, i am here for you, i love you." it says and means everything. i started to cry and she just kept hugging me until i felt better. it was really nice. we chatted for a while and it was really nice. she does seem better and it really made me happy. i think i couldn't have asked for a better birthday present than to have spent that nice time with her. while we were talking she said she wished she could stop time, and she asked if i would stay and never leave. i said yes.

i am going to try to go back again next week, because i need my mommy and she needs me.

the second balloon i got on new years eve is only now starting to die. it still floats, only half as high as it was a few days ago. it's like it is waiting for my birthday, the second new beginning of the year. on friday 22 will be over, and i will usher in 23. 22 was by far the hardest year of my life, and i only hope that 23 brings easier, better, happier times.

i sometimes feel cursed to have been given "hope" as my middle name. it's like i've been branded by it, marked by it, like i said, cursed with it. hoping for things that are unrealistic, yet refusing to give up. hope often leads me to disappointment. if only i could dream and hope more realistically, but then it wouldn't be called dreaming or hoping, just thinking or rationalizing.

i want my mommy. i want her now, i want her to tell me "this too shall pass" like she used to. i want a mommy hug, the kind that solves even the biggest problems, because you know she will always love you and that all she wants is to protect you, and that if she had her say you'd have stayed in the nest forever. i want my mommy. i can't really repeat it enough, but maybe if i do it will work.

i hate being stuck. i hate being stuck inside my mind and the thoughts swirling around there in circular motion making me feel worse and worse with no end in sight. i hate feeling alone. i hate knowing that we are ALL ultimately alone and that it is how we deal with that knowledge that gives us a good or bad quality of life.

frankie wrote recently that it is easier to be happy, to be light. here i am, being heavy, when being light was one of my new years resolutions. but it's not always easier to be happy. i know that i have things to be happy about, but the scale does not always seem to tip in their favor. right now it is heavily weighted with the negatives.

i worry that the me that is writing this is the real me, that the happy me i was for a few months has dissipated leaving the real, miserable me. i know i will be happy again, but there is such a huge difference between feeling temporarily happy and being an unhappy person and being at peace with your life (a term i take from jason, who called and left me a message on saturday while i was at the gym. as i was not at peace with my life i did not want to call him back just then, opting to wait til i felt better).

i recall thinking in the past that when it rained and i was sad that god was crying for me. what a narcissistic thought, if that is even the right world. megalomaniacal? maybe. either way, it was very self-centered and now that it is supposed to rain on my birthday i do not think it has anything to do with me. i think it has to do with seven day repeating weather patterns. god, if he/she/it exists, has way to much on his/her/its hands to make it rain just for me.

Sunday, traditionally my anti-day, the last day of weekend before I have to go back to work, was actually my favorite day of the weekend. Saturday ended better than it started. It started rainy and dark. I went to the gym eventually and went out that night with Eli and Fred and had a great time. Sunday Fred and I walked to South Street, which is a decent walk. We went in a bunch of stores, got Lorenzo's, I bought a DARE shirt and green earrings for this weekend, then we went to a completely empty restaurant for some more food and some coffee. While we were eating the Irish parade stopped RIGHT in front of the restaurant we were in so we got a very good show, aside from the regular great people watching. Fred said if he moves to NY after law school we should live together, which I think would be really fun. We spent a good part of the day there, then walked back. We rested a bit and watched Bad News Bears on tv, then he went out to dinner with a friend and I went to Eli's to help him and a friend of his film a project for their psych class. I was the star. I had to act like I was scared to get on an elevator, so they filmed me reluctantly getting into one and then screaming and running away. I also had to pretend to be afraid of birds but become desensitized and like birds by the end. Hilarity ensued. We hung out for a bit after that, I took Eli's Harry Potter (the last one!! I am reluctant to read it because I don't want to finish the series), and Eli's friend drove me home, which was super nice of her.

So, that was my Sunday. I would like all Sundays to be like that.

you know you're trying too hard on facebook when more than half of your profile pictures have been in black and white. and you make sure to delete pictures from your profile pictures album. yar.

haven't felt much like blogging lately. i've been busy mostly.

went to dinner at buddakan with breton, lisa, ang, dave and alexia last night, then out to plough afterwards. it was nice.

today sucked, from beginning to end. i was exhausted until lunch, since i had tea instead of coffee today (i recently decided i probably put too much sugar in my coffee and maybe that's part of why i'm not getting skinnier at the rate i should be). i had hoped taking a nap would assure i'd wake back up on the right side of the bed, but instead i didn't sleep very well and woke up pissed off to have to go back to work. the afternoon was tedious and long and annoying. it felt like someone stuck an extra day in this week that shouldn't have been there. and it sucked, hard core. i went to the gym tonight but my right lower calf was hurting too much to run. was gonna go out but then the plans changed and i didn't feel like going to penn, or really getting dressed and done up at all, or leaving my apartment. so i stayed in tonight, by choice. i caught up on lost, watched some 4400, organized my movies and cds into different cases. all really thrilling activities. i'm not sad to have stayed in. it just means i saved money, will wake up earlier and maybe have a more productive day tomorrow, won't gain weight from drinking beer, etc.

i started getting sad when i thought about losing my grandparents. let me rewind. my grandfather broke his hip and had a stroke a week ago. he was taken to the hospital and had surgery (which went well). he's since been moved to a nursing home that is like the rolls royce of nursing homes for rehab. i only got to see him once (i'm thinking if i can get my act together and decide to skip the gym i can visit my grandmother and maybe go with her to see him), but he did not look good. my grandmother and i talk most every day, and lately she's been offering to drive into the city and come pick me up so i don't have to take the train. i had a thought tonight: what if she was driving to come get me and got in a car accident. i would never forgive myself. i know it's sort of a weird thought but...it just made me sad. when i lose them i feel like i will have nothing. my grandmother has helped fill up the hole created by my mom's absence. what will i do without her? i don't talk to my aunt or cousins or really see them. i haven't seen them since christmas, and since that time my aunt and i have probably spoken 5 times at the most, and out of those times i would say 4 of the conversations were less than 7 minutes.

while i was going through my cds and movies i found a blank dvd, so i put it in my computer to figure out what it was. turns out it was a dvd of one of the otb shows - my first semester senior year. watching it, i thought how skinny i looked, and how i thought i was fat at the time. i'm not as skinny now as i was then, and now i think i'm fat. then i thought i should probably stop wasting my time thinking i'm fat and being insecure, because lord knows how much time i spent feeling insecure in that group, and as i watched the dvd i wished i had let go more. watching the video also made me think about how i haven't found my niche. will i ever have one? what is there that i can do better than others? i am good at things, but there is nothing i can think of that i am really superior at. i'm good at planning fun things. i'm good at procrastinating. putting myself down...

other than that i've been reading harry potter. one night this week i stayed in and just laid in bed and read harry potter for a few hours. it was great. i'm about 30 pages from the end of the 6th book. pretty upset about what happened at the end of this book. i read until 1 am and had trouble falling asleep after i read it. man. i hear the last book is the best, and while i can't wait to read it i don't want to finish it, because then the adventure will be over. i feel like when it's over it will be like a relationship ending, i will feel a slight void without harry.

i feel like i should end this with some sort of concluding statement.

so far this day has SUCKED. hard.

i am the epitome of curiosity killed the cat. a situation that never had its chance to work out still gets to me, though it is certainly possible that the situation would have ended badly. and yet, despite three strikes, i can't help but wonder, can't help but think about it.

Rachel emailed me and said she can get off of work the right Monday and Tuesday in May so we can go to Barcelona and then back to Prague!!!!! I've been looking at flights today and yeah, they are expensive. I have managed to find non-stop flights, though, for the same price as I've found flights that stop twice and take much longer. So, I may bite the bullet and just spend the money because..I want to do this. It would be much cheaper to fly into Prague and out of Barcelona, but we planned it the other way around so oh well. I'm worried I'll wait too long trying to get the best deal and miss out on these good deals. But I will probably book my flight pretty soon.

all you care about is impressing other people. who are you, really?

this weather is also making me happy. elated, even. i opened my windows during lunch and finally got some fresh air in this place, and it was glorious.

i bought five pairs of new shoes in the past three days. i know that is ridiculous, especially when you factor in that they are not the only things i bought. but they were all cheap so i think of it as a bargain - i got five pairs of shoes for what some people pay for one pair. and with all things trendy, by the time they break or wear out, i probably won't want to wear them anymore anyway.

again, i know it's ridiculous. but i lined them all up in a row in front of my dresser and they are making me really happy.

also, i meant to write in here on feb 29th to say: happy leap year day! i'm not even supposed to BE here today!

i haven't blogged in a while i think. whoops. guess that means i've been living :)

through frankie's blog i stumbled upon futureme.org this morning. it's a cool concept: write yourself a letter to be delivered to you in the future. i browsed through a couple and only briefly considered doing it for myself, the reason being that my blog serves as a live letter to my future self. i often have my future self in mind when i write blog posts, especially the more angsty/turmoiled ones. it always gives me some sense of comfort that even though i don't know what will happen when i write any given post, my future self will know how things worked out and think of the advice i would give to my past self if such a thing were possible. it's the whole hindsight is 20/20 thing. i am always aware of it, and i know that when things are in limbo and are causing me stress that they will work out one way or another, because nothing can stay in limbo forever. that is why i have a blog. it is not for other people. it is for me, so i can track my progress, record things so i don't forget them, learn from my past mistakes, laugh at myself for being foolish, and to continuously remind myself that things will work out, one way or another.

quick post to say i went to nyc this weekend and had a blast! definitely don't have the energy to type it all now. i may or may not write about it in more detail later.

- the weather
+ this weather got me out of work at 2:30
+ because the firm closed the 2 hours i stayed last night in anticipation of leaving early today now count as overtime instead of making up for leaving early

pahhhh... BOOYAH!!

on a very different note...

hung out w/ rachel again last night!!! she met me after work, we came back to my apt and talked about the trip i'm planning, looked up flights and hostels. every step closer, every little thing like that makes it seem more real, and with every little step i get a lot more excited. we went to dinner at devil's alley, split a salad and wings and had wine and talked. we discussed how cool it is that we will be friends for the rest of our lives. how cool it is that there are people in our lives that we will know, that know us, that we will have forever. she said that thought kept her going when she first started out in prague and felt lonely, and it is a thought in which i have found much solace lately. after dinner we came back to my apt for a little and then walked to the train station and said our goodbyes.

on the way to the train station eli called to see if i wanted to go out, so i met up w/ him and a few other people half a block from my apt after dropping rachel off. had drinks and a great time. we went to a few different places, inc. a bar where we played darts and then tried to steal a book and the bartender yelled like a banshee at us (it was scary yet hilarious).

i felt fine this morning, got to work 5 minutes early b/c we had a 3 hour training for some new document management program we're going to be using, got my hair cut at lunch, then worked til 7. it was a long day. i went to the gym - biked for 25 and did the elliptical for 26. currently trying to get myself to do crunches, but i still have to shower and totally pack for ny. and i wanted to do my nails. so much to do, so little time. but i did find time to blog.

i miss the purity and innocence of young love.

i dreamt about my first love the other night. i know it's because in my mind that love will always hold a special place. when i think of a great relationship, i think of that one. when i think of someone who was so perfect for me and for whom i was perfect, i think of that. of all my relationships there are two where the love was real, where i know the other person really cared about me. but that first love, when i was too young to feel so jaded and so corrupted, that was something. i guess part of me likes to believe it can exist, but that part is ever shrinking, that flame is flickering out and will soon be gone.

don't get me wrong - i am not yearning for it right now. love songs do not make me sad, nor do sappy movies. i think we grow up too fast and want to experience so much early on. i also think i've seen a lot of things that people my age have not had to see or deal with, and it has really shaken my faith in...people.

quick recap:

monday: saw rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today: work, boooooo. shins hurt at the gym today (and yesterday) so i didn't run (much) yesterday and today i ran for like 2 minutes and then stopped at did elliptical. also saw my mom, it was a good visit.

i called my mom on valentine's day and asked her to be my valentine. she said yes, and asked if i'd be hers. i said of course.

went to reading for the first time last night. it was fun :)

also finally hung up some art on my walls, including the ansel adams framed pic i found in the trash, this really cool, large asian style fan my mom bought, a few pics of flowers in my bathroom, and a pic of a rainbow my mom bought in newport. still to hang: players picture and the second mirror.

i really can't believe it's february already. last i recall i was dreading it becoming winter and having to suffer through the cold and snow. haha. i mean it was cold but there weren't nearly as many bitter cold horrible days as i thought there would be. the wind was really what made the weather suck on certain days. but here it is, already february, less than one month until my 23rd birthday, and i can't figure out where all that time went. i have a whole saturday day ahead of me, let's make it a good one.

mad4 last night w/ breton, his friend matt, jake, dave and alexia, very very fun. it's mad4, when is it not awesome??

hahahahah that valentine's day youtube vid is hilarious.

oh, also, so is my life!!!!!!!!!!

good start to the day: i was making coffee in the kitchen and decided to mix french vanilla and hazelnut since there was only one hazelnut and one french vanilla of the kind i usually use. when i went to brew the second cup the stupid bin was full (3rd time this week i've had to empty it) so i begrudgingly emptied it, hit brew, and turned away to make my oatmeal. when i turned back i realized i never put the cup back under the coffee machine so it was brewing into the drip catcher underneath. sweet. i caught the rest with the cup but it was really just a tiny bit.

then my phone died and i forgot to bring my charger to work. nice.

eyes do it for me. this is just a general statement, but people with intense eyes, or eyes that sparkle, really do it for me.

quick summary of today before i shower:

nothing interesting from work.. might get to leave early tomorrow b/c they're doing an update to pattsy, the program we use for docketing. i will keep my fingers crossed about that one.

came home, talked to stacey for an hour and 20 minutes, went to the gym, ran for ~46 minutes, walked 10, a bit of crunches and a bit of biceps, stopped at cvs on the way home to pick up some necessities and managed to avoid a line of 15+ people at the front by going around to the back and nicely asking if i could pay at the pharmacy register. the man there was very nice for letting me. that's really about it.

oh and yesterday i did the treadmill for an hour and 8 minutes. ran for like..35 i think, then walked, then ran 15, then walked. :-D

on second thought, i will take it being warmer and just raining to enough shitstorm weather outside to cancel work.

i got all bundled up in boots, winder coat, gloves, scarf, earmuffs, only to walk outside and realize that it is significantly warmer than yesterday. thank you baby jesus.

i can't lie, when i woke up and heard it was still raining i hoped to look out the window and see a massive sheet of ice, which would require me to call my office to see if they were closed which, in my fantasy world, they would be.

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." - Hermione

i just love this quote

things from today:

i did not go to the gym, i was too tired. and that's ok. i did do crunches here anyway.

i think it's weird when i see people brushing their teeth in the bathroom at work. i associate tooth brushing with something you do in the privacy of your own home.

i went to sleep at midnight last night (an hour earlier than usual), had 2 cups of coffee this morning, and was still tired enough by lunch at 1 to take a half hour nap. good weekend :)

with that said, i had a great weekend, including a really fun day trip to baltimore yesterday.

I need to take this to heart.

today i asked for the four days following memorial day off from work and got the ok from my boss and the firm administrator. step one complete. i also asked my boss if i could leave at 3:30 in two fridays so i can catch a bus up to nyc for a weekend of awesomeness and she said it was fine!

thank you for: taking me climbing and making me realize i can do more than i think i can, helping me move downtown, being the only reason i got to be on a sail boat in all of 2007, showing me what is absolutely not tolerable from a boyfriend

no thank you for: the rest

part of why i am not trying to go live in south america and teach english for half a year is because of how my family would react. they would look down on me, say i'm a terrible daughter, possibly shun me, and not be there for me if i really needed them. but i realized something on my way back to my apt for lunch today: how would that be different than now? they already don't think i'm a very good daughter, and though they haven't really shunned me it's not like we are in communication with each other. my aunt is the most impossible person to reach and in the past month i would say we have spoken twice, maybe 3 minutes each time, because i called. soooo..yeah. rachel's dad said things aren't going to change in this situation so i will either have to do it and deal with the possible consequences or decide that i am ok with not doing it at all.

i talked to rachel for about 5 minutes online today and in that time i asked her what she's doing at the end of may, she asked if i was going to come visit, i said i would love to and i would also love to go to spain and she said she would love to go to barcelona and might be able to take of a few days of work and we could go together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously. she was serious. and i was serious. and i am seriously SO EXCITED. my family no doubt will try to dissuade me from going b/c it's "too expensive" (my grandmother already tried, as did my mom) but f it, i'm doing it. i deserve it.

got back from visiting my mom tonight and made the best compromise ever. i really wanted to watch lost, but i really wanted to go to the gym. hmmmm, what to do? as luck would have it, my gym's treadmills all have little tv's and you can plug headphones into them. sooo i ran. i ran for approx 45 min and then walked for 10 min, taking me to a whopping amazingly awesome 55 minutes on the treadmill. seriously awesome. i was definitely the last one there cause i think lost went til 10:05 and i was that asshole, but dammit i had to see the end. [very brief SPOILER ALERT] THEY CAME FOR BEN!!! WHAT?!?! Damn it just got even more interesting. And he's got someone on their boat?!?! I must find out more!!!!!

PRAGUE AND SPAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!