Sunday, May 30, 2004
Everyone thinks they are deeper than other people.
It's funny how people portray themselves and how we don't realize that our feelings and thoughts are not as unique as we'd like to imagine.
* * * * *
You are an artiste.
You are the best.
You can act, sing...
Your talents are endless.
Not only that,
But you are oh so deep.
You write poems
That bear some secret
Deep inside you.
You have deep conversations
About life and death,
Heaven and hell.
No one understands you,
That's all.
What a lie.
It's funny how people portray themselves and how we don't realize that our feelings and thoughts are not as unique as we'd like to imagine.
You are an artiste.
You are the best.
You can act, sing...
Your talents are endless.
Not only that,
But you are oh so deep.
You write poems
That bear some secret
Deep inside you.
You have deep conversations
About life and death,
Heaven and hell.
No one understands you,
That's all.
What a lie.
Totally unrelated...
Do you believe in ESP? Do you think it's possible to be psychically connected to someone? And what would determine that? The same birthday? Something else? Maybe if you know someone really well you can develop a connection. Or maybe there are some people you are more prone to developing a connection with than others. Maybe it's a temporary thing, sparked when someone talks about you. Maybe some people can sense it, when someone else is thinking about them.
I had ESP last night, though I didn't find out it was ESP until this morning.
* * * * *
Unrelated to the above...
I know why. I really know why I do a lot of stuff, but that doesn't make me do it any differently.
Reasons for this one:
Lack of willpower
Fucking curiosity.
Do you believe in ESP? Do you think it's possible to be psychically connected to someone? And what would determine that? The same birthday? Something else? Maybe if you know someone really well you can develop a connection. Or maybe there are some people you are more prone to developing a connection with than others. Maybe it's a temporary thing, sparked when someone talks about you. Maybe some people can sense it, when someone else is thinking about them.
I had ESP last night, though I didn't find out it was ESP until this morning.
Unrelated to the above...
I know why. I really know why I do a lot of stuff, but that doesn't make me do it any differently.
Reasons for this one:
Lack of willpower
Fucking curiosity.
You probably troll this blog.
You want to think you have something better to do.
You play dress up
Because you just can't wait
To be a grown up
To do grown up things
Like fuck.
Yeah, you heard me.
Fuck.
Cause you read that's what grown ups do.
You like the chase
More than the catch.
It's only interesting
When there's an extra challenge.
If something's not yours
You want it even more
And you don't care who you step on
On your way to claiming
What is wrongfully yours.
Yet as soon as you win
What you've been after
It loses its appeal.
You're like a jealous
Little
Baby
Who can't play with its own toys
Because your too busy
Yearning after all the other babies' toys
Because they're so much
Better
Brighter
Shinier.
You know what they say
About the grass being greener.
And you will always be on the other side
I think it's got something to do
With your insecurities.
I can't and I don't
Believe for one second
That you really think you are
What you claim to be.
A word of advice:
Be careful who you trample on
Karma really is a bitch.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Here's a question about fate:
If you believe that if something's meant to happen it will happen, does that mean you can just sit back and wait for it to come to you, or does it still involve you putting forth the effort to make things happen how you want them to?
My mom said that she doesn't believe in fate but certain people, based on their personalities, will be predestined to do things a certain way.
I think I'd like to surprise people, including myself, and do things differently from how my personality predicts.
If you believe that if something's meant to happen it will happen, does that mean you can just sit back and wait for it to come to you, or does it still involve you putting forth the effort to make things happen how you want them to?
My mom said that she doesn't believe in fate but certain people, based on their personalities, will be predestined to do things a certain way.
I think I'd like to surprise people, including myself, and do things differently from how my personality predicts.
Sooooooo..........
Today is Rachel's b-day. Happy B-day Rachel!!!!!!
Let's see...
I am so happy to be home right now, surrounded by those that I know care about me. Literally, if I was at college now things would be harder. Even though they are still a phone call away cause it's kinda late, it's nice that I have Rachel and Tom to talk to...cry to if I need to...and to know that they will be there, and offer to stay up later in case I want to talk to them. Thank God for them. And my mom, and my grandparents.
I called Jamie tonight.
Today is Rachel's b-day. Happy B-day Rachel!!!!!!
Let's see...
I am so happy to be home right now, surrounded by those that I know care about me. Literally, if I was at college now things would be harder. Even though they are still a phone call away cause it's kinda late, it's nice that I have Rachel and Tom to talk to...cry to if I need to...and to know that they will be there, and offer to stay up later in case I want to talk to them. Thank God for them. And my mom, and my grandparents.
I called Jamie tonight.
Friday, May 28, 2004
A year ago today I was on my senior project, working at a nursing home. On this day we went out to lunch and had italian food (I had fetuccini alfredo, one of my fav dishes), followed by a game of volleyball w/ a balloon. That seems like eons ago, and so totally opposite from what I did today: overdubs. I really liked them. You basically just go in the recording room by yourself w/ a mic and headphones and sing your part until Morgan and Ethan say it's good enough. I thought one overdub was gonna take forever cause I always used to have problems hitting the notes (it's a part during Radiohead), but it only took a couple tries. :-D
Sooooo after reading through old posts...I needed to stop complaining so much, esp. about my friends.
Also, there are some moments that are still not jaded by what came to pass afterwards, and there are some that are. I think maybe when you are not the one who's hurt it's easier to look back at things and just smile. When you're the one who's hurt it's hard for memories to not be clouded by bitterness, anger, regret, etc.
Also, there are some moments that are still not jaded by what came to pass afterwards, and there are some that are. I think maybe when you are not the one who's hurt it's easier to look back at things and just smile. When you're the one who's hurt it's hard for memories to not be clouded by bitterness, anger, regret, etc.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Here's to immaturities, past, present and future.
Here's to laughing uncontrollably for forty minutes, scaring everyone away and being the last ones left in a dining hall.
Here's to cellphones, when they work.
Here's to watching people as if they were a movie.
Here's to people who've known me for 4, 5, 6 + years and know most everything about me.
Feb 12, 2004...
"If I could be anywhere right now, I'd be in Newport sailing a laser by Sail Newport, with enough wind to get me going and a bright, cloudless sky. It would be quiet, the only noise would be the wind in my ears and the sound of the water splashing against the hull. Or I'd be laying on the beach listening to music. I can picture it exactly. Laying on my back on the sand, sun beaming down, couples jogging in front of me, little kids playing with their plastic trucks, the water lappingggggggggggggg at the shore. But everything is muted because of my music. I like it that way...the right song can mix perfectly with the rest of the sounds."
Yeah. I can't wait for Newport. Rachel's gonna come visit me, too, because she gets three days off a month from working at her camp in New Hampshire. It's gonna be so fun!!
It's nice to have things to look forward to so that when you're doing something sucky you can say "but I have this fun thing coming up, so it's not all bad."
"If I could be anywhere right now, I'd be in Newport sailing a laser by Sail Newport, with enough wind to get me going and a bright, cloudless sky. It would be quiet, the only noise would be the wind in my ears and the sound of the water splashing against the hull. Or I'd be laying on the beach listening to music. I can picture it exactly. Laying on my back on the sand, sun beaming down, couples jogging in front of me, little kids playing with their plastic trucks, the water lappingggggggggggggg at the shore. But everything is muted because of my music. I like it that way...the right song can mix perfectly with the rest of the sounds."
Yeah. I can't wait for Newport. Rachel's gonna come visit me, too, because she gets three days off a month from working at her camp in New Hampshire. It's gonna be so fun!!
It's nice to have things to look forward to so that when you're doing something sucky you can say "but I have this fun thing coming up, so it's not all bad."
Found this in an old chortles post...
Happiness = P + (5xE) + (3xH)
where P = Personal Characteristics, including outlook on life, adaptability and resilience,
E = Existence and relates to health, financial stability and friendships,
and H = Higher Order needs, and covers self-esteem, expectations, ambitions and sense of humour.
Last night I saw Shrek 2 w/ Tom, Rachel, Natalie, Nick and Dave. After that Rachel, Tom & I hung out a little. It was fun.
I had quite an interesting time after I got home. I am a very good sleuth apparently, and I was up till 5 sleuthing. Some people really suck at life, and I mean it.
Happiness = P + (5xE) + (3xH)
where P = Personal Characteristics, including outlook on life, adaptability and resilience,
E = Existence and relates to health, financial stability and friendships,
and H = Higher Order needs, and covers self-esteem, expectations, ambitions and sense of humour.
Last night I saw Shrek 2 w/ Tom, Rachel, Natalie, Nick and Dave. After that Rachel, Tom & I hung out a little. It was fun.
I had quite an interesting time after I got home. I am a very good sleuth apparently, and I was up till 5 sleuthing. Some people really suck at life, and I mean it.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
I've been making my way through old posts; I've gotten all the way to last September: the beginning of my life as a college student. Ahh, the good old days. I was so funny...all innocent and naïve. I thought I knew what a lot of work was. I thought I knew what so many things were. I got excited or upset about funny things. I love laughing at my old self, laughing at things I said that turned out to be the total opposite.
...Ahh the days when 25 min on the EFX was a hardship, when 2 a.m. was late to go to bed. ::Sigh:: I miss them in a way. But I am glad I've grown and know what I know.
...Ahh the days when 25 min on the EFX was a hardship, when 2 a.m. was late to go to bed. ::Sigh:: I miss them in a way. But I am glad I've grown and know what I know.
Do you ever feel like writing something profound, but you don't know what?
Lately my blog has been boring. It lacks substance and depth. All my entries as of late say "today I did blah blah blah and saw blah blah and had a good/bad/mediocre time."
Maybe it's because I fear what people would say if I tried to write something profound and it came out really shitty, or something.
Maybe nothing deep has been going on in my life lately.
Maybe I no longer have deep thoughts. Maybe I'm just totally shallow now. Maybe I've just killed all my brain cells this past year at school.
That's not the case. I promise.
I've been noticing two things lately, one which I will discuss at length and one I won't.
The first thing I've noticed is how biased the media is. This is nothing new, but it's the most annoying thing to turn on the TV and consistently hear propaganda I didn't ask for. I mean, come on, 7th Heaven should be able to stay the hell away from politics. What's next? Blaire and Todd from One Life To Live debating about who they think should win the presidential election? Bo and Hope from Days Of Our Lives having a marital spat about the situation in Israel?
Enough about politics. I really can't stand them. It's more than half of my family's dinner conversations, and has been ever since I was a little rugrat. Thus, I digress on this topic.
The other thing I've been noticing is how women are being portrayed in the media. I know, I know, the thousands of near-naked women who are perfectly toned and tan and beautiful are nothing new. The new twist comes from all the reality TV shows, more specifically the extreme makeover shows, in which women deemed "hideously ugly" will get a new nose, forhead, cheeks, chin, breasts, liposuction, and whatever else some TV producer decides will make them fit to be seen and accepted in society. The viewers get to watch the ugly duckling, if she's even fit to be called such, go through the grueling surgery, which the doctors always describe as "very difficult due to the physical abnormalities of [fill in the blank], which the doctors struggled to correct." By the end of the show, after tweezing and tweaking, after dye and pounds of makeup, we get to see the beautiful swan - transformed from a hideous quasimodo to a breathtakingly stunning princess, full of confidence and poise.
The swan, when she first sees herself, is overcome with joy. She immediately begins crying because she is so happy to finally be out of the ugly turtle shell she had to endure all those years. Finally she has been set free, all thanks to her plastic surgeon. She can now go out into the world and be somebody, because this physical transformation has given her confidence that she can achieve things in life.
Give me a fucking break. So what the media is telling me is this:
1) I, like all women who have not undergone plastic surgery, am physically incorrect. The only way to fix my abnormalities is to go through extensive surgery, reshaping every part of my body until I become someone else.
2) Confidence is related solely to how you look. If you are ugly you should be unconfident and completely insecure about yourself. And why not be insecure? No one will accept you, you ugly fatass. Only pretty people are confident.
3) If you are pretty you can do anything. You are worth more if you are one of the beautiful people. If you have a bad nose/boobs/teeth/forhead/cheeks/jaw/chin/are really pale you are ugly, which means you are inept.
My response:
1) No. I am not physically incorrect. No woman, aside from one with an actual, clinical physical deformation is physically incorrect!
2) If your confidence is only based on how you look, what are you gonna do in 10, 20, and 30 years when things start to wrinkle and sag? Base your confidence on your achievements.
3) Fuck number three. "Ugly" people can do just as much as "pretty" people. Plus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
4) Bonus response: If everyone gets plastic surgery we will all walk around looking like duplicates of the same plasticized Barbie doll with unnaturally large breasts and feet that can't physically flatten.
All I can say about extreme makeovers is that I would be freaked out to wake up in the morning and, after over 20 years of seeing my face, seeing someone else's face and body. To me, that would cause more of an identity crisis than a boost of confidence.
And in case you didn't know, the other night "The Swan Pageant" aired on TV - yes, that's right, there was an actual pageant seeing who, out of six women, could look the best after an extreme transformation from plastic surgery. They paraded around in gowns, lingerie, bathing suits, etc., and were judged on their transformation (obviously something they had any kind of say in...why weren't their plastic surgeons the ones being judged??).
After all this ranting, I will admit something: I am a hypocrite. Well, I am and I'm not. I would not consider getting plastic surgery. I don't want to say "never," because recently saying I'll "never do something" basically means I'll end up doing it. Sure I wish my boobs were bigger and my stomach was flatter, but I wouldn't want to fix those things by going under the knife. The teen girl magazines always say crap like "you are beautiful, no matter who you are." I never bought that nonsense, because how can you tell me I'm beautiful? You are writing to a general audience. You've never seen me. But back on topic...I am a hypocrite because yes, I wish I was tan, skinny and perfect. It really sucks that I can't just be happy with who I am and how I look. It is partially up to me, I know. I just need to be confident, I need to feel good about myself, and it needs to come from me, not from other people. I wish I could feel that way. I wish I could look at my stomach in the mirror and say "wow, it looks really awesome today." Unfortunately, that doesn't happen often, if ever. I wish that my confidence didn't come from my looks at all, because though my self esteem is not totally based on how I look, I can honestly say that I feel more confident on a day that I think I look good than on a day I look pale and have bags under my eyes.
Call me an insecure person. That's fine, I am. But I blame it on the media.
Lately my blog has been boring. It lacks substance and depth. All my entries as of late say "today I did blah blah blah and saw blah blah and had a good/bad/mediocre time."
Maybe it's because I fear what people would say if I tried to write something profound and it came out really shitty, or something.
Maybe nothing deep has been going on in my life lately.
Maybe I no longer have deep thoughts. Maybe I'm just totally shallow now. Maybe I've just killed all my brain cells this past year at school.
That's not the case. I promise.
I've been noticing two things lately, one which I will discuss at length and one I won't.
The first thing I've noticed is how biased the media is. This is nothing new, but it's the most annoying thing to turn on the TV and consistently hear propaganda I didn't ask for. I mean, come on, 7th Heaven should be able to stay the hell away from politics. What's next? Blaire and Todd from One Life To Live debating about who they think should win the presidential election? Bo and Hope from Days Of Our Lives having a marital spat about the situation in Israel?
Enough about politics. I really can't stand them. It's more than half of my family's dinner conversations, and has been ever since I was a little rugrat. Thus, I digress on this topic.
The other thing I've been noticing is how women are being portrayed in the media. I know, I know, the thousands of near-naked women who are perfectly toned and tan and beautiful are nothing new. The new twist comes from all the reality TV shows, more specifically the extreme makeover shows, in which women deemed "hideously ugly" will get a new nose, forhead, cheeks, chin, breasts, liposuction, and whatever else some TV producer decides will make them fit to be seen and accepted in society. The viewers get to watch the ugly duckling, if she's even fit to be called such, go through the grueling surgery, which the doctors always describe as "very difficult due to the physical abnormalities of [fill in the blank], which the doctors struggled to correct." By the end of the show, after tweezing and tweaking, after dye and pounds of makeup, we get to see the beautiful swan - transformed from a hideous quasimodo to a breathtakingly stunning princess, full of confidence and poise.
The swan, when she first sees herself, is overcome with joy. She immediately begins crying because she is so happy to finally be out of the ugly turtle shell she had to endure all those years. Finally she has been set free, all thanks to her plastic surgeon. She can now go out into the world and be somebody, because this physical transformation has given her confidence that she can achieve things in life.
Give me a fucking break. So what the media is telling me is this:
1) I, like all women who have not undergone plastic surgery, am physically incorrect. The only way to fix my abnormalities is to go through extensive surgery, reshaping every part of my body until I become someone else.
2) Confidence is related solely to how you look. If you are ugly you should be unconfident and completely insecure about yourself. And why not be insecure? No one will accept you, you ugly fatass. Only pretty people are confident.
3) If you are pretty you can do anything. You are worth more if you are one of the beautiful people. If you have a bad nose/boobs/teeth/forhead/cheeks/jaw/chin/are really pale you are ugly, which means you are inept.
My response:
1) No. I am not physically incorrect. No woman, aside from one with an actual, clinical physical deformation is physically incorrect!
2) If your confidence is only based on how you look, what are you gonna do in 10, 20, and 30 years when things start to wrinkle and sag? Base your confidence on your achievements.
3) Fuck number three. "Ugly" people can do just as much as "pretty" people. Plus, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
4) Bonus response: If everyone gets plastic surgery we will all walk around looking like duplicates of the same plasticized Barbie doll with unnaturally large breasts and feet that can't physically flatten.
All I can say about extreme makeovers is that I would be freaked out to wake up in the morning and, after over 20 years of seeing my face, seeing someone else's face and body. To me, that would cause more of an identity crisis than a boost of confidence.
And in case you didn't know, the other night "The Swan Pageant" aired on TV - yes, that's right, there was an actual pageant seeing who, out of six women, could look the best after an extreme transformation from plastic surgery. They paraded around in gowns, lingerie, bathing suits, etc., and were judged on their transformation (obviously something they had any kind of say in...why weren't their plastic surgeons the ones being judged??).
After all this ranting, I will admit something: I am a hypocrite. Well, I am and I'm not. I would not consider getting plastic surgery. I don't want to say "never," because recently saying I'll "never do something" basically means I'll end up doing it. Sure I wish my boobs were bigger and my stomach was flatter, but I wouldn't want to fix those things by going under the knife. The teen girl magazines always say crap like "you are beautiful, no matter who you are." I never bought that nonsense, because how can you tell me I'm beautiful? You are writing to a general audience. You've never seen me. But back on topic...I am a hypocrite because yes, I wish I was tan, skinny and perfect. It really sucks that I can't just be happy with who I am and how I look. It is partially up to me, I know. I just need to be confident, I need to feel good about myself, and it needs to come from me, not from other people. I wish I could feel that way. I wish I could look at my stomach in the mirror and say "wow, it looks really awesome today." Unfortunately, that doesn't happen often, if ever. I wish that my confidence didn't come from my looks at all, because though my self esteem is not totally based on how I look, I can honestly say that I feel more confident on a day that I think I look good than on a day I look pale and have bags under my eyes.
Call me an insecure person. That's fine, I am. But I blame it on the media.
Monday, May 24, 2004
I just got an email back from the place I'm working this summer: they want me to work from 9:30 to 5:30. Perfect. 9 - 5 was too early and 10 - 6 was too late. So, aside from the fact that having to get up in time for the 8:41 train is gonna be painful, though no less painful than getting up half an hour later would be, 9:30 - 5:30 should be just right. And I will have my ipod to remind me why I am there at 5 on Friday when I just want to leave!!
Also, Evan probably found me a subletter for the summer. I really really really (REALLY!!) really didn't want one, so that if I wanted to party at school I could sleep in my room instead of worrying how to get back home. Now what am I gonna do?? But my mom wants me to get one, and she said that it'll defer the cost of buying a laptop, which I'll have to get b/c my desktop is too annoying to move (though I like it better than I think I'll like a laptop).
I've been reading through my posts from last January and thoroughly enjoying them.
Also, Evan probably found me a subletter for the summer. I really really really (REALLY!!) really didn't want one, so that if I wanted to party at school I could sleep in my room instead of worrying how to get back home. Now what am I gonna do?? But my mom wants me to get one, and she said that it'll defer the cost of buying a laptop, which I'll have to get b/c my desktop is too annoying to move (though I like it better than I think I'll like a laptop).
I've been reading through my posts from last January and thoroughly enjoying them.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Apparently they tried to deliver my Ipod today. There was a Fed Ex thing that said they came at 9:08 a.m. and would try again tomorrow. I called and asked them to please deliver after noon, when I will actually be awake. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I really did need to add those extra exclamation points. I am that excited!
Tonight I went to Rachel's & we rented Mona Lisa Smile. I really liked it, and for some reason it reminded me of Pleasantville. I also got her to join my favorite cult: The Facebook online!
Enough of that, I have to rest up for my Ipod/overdubs/a hopefully fun BBQ/to finish getting better (yes, I am still veerrrrry slightly sick).
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I really did need to add those extra exclamation points. I am that excited!
Tonight I went to Rachel's & we rented Mona Lisa Smile. I really liked it, and for some reason it reminded me of Pleasantville. I also got her to join my favorite cult: The Facebook online!
Enough of that, I have to rest up for my Ipod/overdubs/a hopefully fun BBQ/to finish getting better (yes, I am still veerrrrry slightly sick).
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Tonight I went out to dinner w/ OTB. We went to Bucca de Beppo, and it was awesome! The food was great, especially the chicken. It was so tender and it was in the best sauce - sweet, but not too sweet. Yummmm. After that I went back to Stacey's house, we ate some cake, & then she and Rina started to fall asleep so I went over to Zach's & watched some TV there. Not overly exciting, but it was fun.
Last night I did nothing.
The night before I went to the P's & hung out w/ Rachel, Heather, Sue, Tom & Alex. I had a great time.
Last night I did nothing.
The night before I went to the P's & hung out w/ Rachel, Heather, Sue, Tom & Alex. I had a great time.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
I signed up for a FotoPage since I have a webcam. I will put it up in the links section when I get around to it. When I get my computer hooked up to the internet I'll be able to put much better pictures on my page b/c I have a ton saved on that computer.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Yes!!! Hahahaha...I know this is in here already, but...
This wedge of cheese is moldy;
take it away and run it down
the garbage disposal.
It separates me from my past
and forms a different future
than would have otherwise occurred.
Rainbow
is not a color I can fathom,
but I'll wear it.
I don't fathom myself
or the idea of being the people
who have to see myself
every day.
If I stare at you long enough
you'll disappear
or become someone else
like a cyclopse
or some other kind of
circus freak.
If you push my buttons
what do you think will happen?
I am broken
or out of batteries
or I was defective to begin with.
Resistance is futile,
we are all human.
But you are obviously
more of a human than me
which means that you
can treat me
like
like
socks.
Yeah, that's right.
Socks with holes;
you'll wear me when
there are no more socks,
because, hey,
I keep your feet warm.
I love knowing who and what each of those references is about...you could never guess.
* * * * *
I'd love to be a dog. While I sit here and read through my life, two adorable balls of fluff are lazily curled up at the bottom of my chair. They get to just hang out all day, play and jump when they're in the mood...eat when they want, go on walks...sounds like me in college...
This wedge of cheese is moldy;
take it away and run it down
the garbage disposal.
It separates me from my past
and forms a different future
than would have otherwise occurred.
Rainbow
is not a color I can fathom,
but I'll wear it.
I don't fathom myself
or the idea of being the people
who have to see myself
every day.
If I stare at you long enough
you'll disappear
or become someone else
like a cyclopse
or some other kind of
circus freak.
If you push my buttons
what do you think will happen?
I am broken
or out of batteries
or I was defective to begin with.
Resistance is futile,
we are all human.
But you are obviously
more of a human than me
which means that you
can treat me
like
like
socks.
Yeah, that's right.
Socks with holes;
you'll wear me when
there are no more socks,
because, hey,
I keep your feet warm.
I love knowing who and what each of those references is about...you could never guess.
I'd love to be a dog. While I sit here and read through my life, two adorable balls of fluff are lazily curled up at the bottom of my chair. They get to just hang out all day, play and jump when they're in the mood...eat when they want, go on walks...sounds like me in college...
I used to write poems. You'd never know it from looking at me or from watching my every day behavior.
One day, though, I got writer's block and it never went away. The creative juices dried up and never came again.
Maybe all my other poems were just crap anyway, and I realized that I had no skill. Or maybe any skill I had just crawled into a hole and never popped its head out again.
* * * * *
Every year around the end of school I go back and read through old entries of the different online journals I have. I've had this one for two years, but there is another, older one that I've had since 2000. I love reading them so much because it's hindsight. I love seeing my hopes and anticipations and knowing how they will turn out. Of course I've done the classic girly thing: writing about boys. It's just so funny to think that at the time I wrote about a boy I didn't know what would happen, and now it seems funny to go back and think that there was a point at which I didn't know. I don't know if that made any sense. Plus, I love the thought that some day I will look back on this entry and the other entries from this year and wonder how it was possible that I didn't know the outcome.
One day, though, I got writer's block and it never went away. The creative juices dried up and never came again.
Maybe all my other poems were just crap anyway, and I realized that I had no skill. Or maybe any skill I had just crawled into a hole and never popped its head out again.
Every year around the end of school I go back and read through old entries of the different online journals I have. I've had this one for two years, but there is another, older one that I've had since 2000. I love reading them so much because it's hindsight. I love seeing my hopes and anticipations and knowing how they will turn out. Of course I've done the classic girly thing: writing about boys. It's just so funny to think that at the time I wrote about a boy I didn't know what would happen, and now it seems funny to go back and think that there was a point at which I didn't know. I don't know if that made any sense. Plus, I love the thought that some day I will look back on this entry and the other entries from this year and wonder how it was possible that I didn't know the outcome.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Today was the last day of group recording. I really enjoyed it, even though it took many many many takes to get one song. After recording, instead of going straight home, I went back to school, ate at Izzy & Zoe's, & hung around for a little bit. It was nice to hang out after being sick for what feels like a really long time. Plus, I am awesome at card games.
I came home and my cousins' two dogs were here b/c my mom and I are babysitting them for the weekend. They are these two adorable little fluff balls and they have been following me around everywhere since my mom went to bed. One's named Rumpsty (he's the older one) and the other is Tuffy (she's new & I've only met her once before). Rumpsty is a veteran - he knows me, he's stayed over at our house, etc., but he gets really jealous if anyone pays more attention to Tuffy than to him. If both of them are laying somewhere and Rumpsty gets up to inspect something, Tuffy is close behind him. She's very curious - she likes to sniff around and explore everything. I'm sleeping in my grandparents' bed tonight (they're away) and the dogs are sleeping with me b/c there's too much stuff for them to get into on my floor.
Tomorrow I'll probably work on putting all my shit away, because it's been sitting in the living room since Sunday.
I came home and my cousins' two dogs were here b/c my mom and I are babysitting them for the weekend. They are these two adorable little fluff balls and they have been following me around everywhere since my mom went to bed. One's named Rumpsty (he's the older one) and the other is Tuffy (she's new & I've only met her once before). Rumpsty is a veteran - he knows me, he's stayed over at our house, etc., but he gets really jealous if anyone pays more attention to Tuffy than to him. If both of them are laying somewhere and Rumpsty gets up to inspect something, Tuffy is close behind him. She's very curious - she likes to sniff around and explore everything. I'm sleeping in my grandparents' bed tonight (they're away) and the dogs are sleeping with me b/c there's too much stuff for them to get into on my floor.
Tomorrow I'll probably work on putting all my shit away, because it's been sitting in the living room since Sunday.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Just as I had learned what felt like ten years worth of life experience by December, I feel I've learned an equal, if not greater, amount since then.
For one, I realized that my "no regrets" policy, while a good idea, is somewhat like Communism: a good plan that never works in practice. It would take a perfect person to live life without a single regret. My real goal, from the very beginning, should have been to learn from my mistakes. Perhaps my "no regrets" policy entailed this from the beginning, though I didn't know it when I made the goal. Because if I learn from these mistakes and don't repeat them, I can move towards being a better, or at least wiser, person. And I can't regret the things that led me to be better or wiser, can I?
This semester I continued to learn my limits, as I have apparently not learned enough about them. My body finally gave in, at the very end of it all, to a bad case of bronchitis, a minor ear infection, and some serious chest pain. From this I learned that abusing my body for 9 months is a poor idea. I also learned that pulling an all nighter when I'm getting over a cold is the worst thing I could do to myself, and that once I get sick I need to take extra care of myself or I'll only get worse. It really is too bad that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, considering how much my mom warned me to eat right, sleep right and exercise. Had I done all these in the proper amounts, I would be healthy at this very moment.
I've learned that moms really are right 99.9% of the time, and it's annoying as hell.
I've grown to hate hearing "I told you so" or "it's your own fault".
My procrastinating ways have been reaffirmed with good grades, but poor health. Maybe next year I will learn to take care of myself out of vanity, if nothing else.
I've learned that while I do miss having people who know me really well, half the fun is getting to know people and letting them get to know me. Plus, that way I get to choose what they know about me and what to keep private.
Continuing with my realization about singing being a wonderful way to distract oneself, I also learned that talking is a great way to drown out my thoughts, though I hate having to drown them out.
After this semester I can tell you all about torts and other areas of civil law, a little about contract law, and bits and pieces of criminal law. I can discuss at length the juvenile death penalty and why I stand where I stand on it. Somehow I managed to get a great grade in a hard legal studies class with little work. If you asked me how, though, I wouldn't be to tell you.
After this semester I have also improved my skills in churning out a paper by a certain time, but in the process I learned that sacrificing sleep for a paper is just plain stupid.
This semester I was able to read parts of a book in spanish without needing a dictionary! I am pretty proud of that.
I already knew that if I spent enough time on a drawing it could be pretty good, but I have improved my drawing skills this semester at least a little bit.
Though I sort of said this last time, I have watched the lines between right and wrong blur to the point of being merely shadows of lines, almost indiscernible.
I've forgotten everything I learned first semester about standard deviation.
I've learned the truth in the saying "you never know what to expect," and that past actions (whether you view them as mistakes or not) may be thrown back in your face if you are not careful.
I've taken further steps towards deciding what is right and wrong for me, and I've finally learned that I don't have to go to every party there is. Sometimes it's nice to stay in, and sometimes it's necessary to stay in.
I've learned how to fake that I'm not feeling as sick as I actually am. And I finally stopped being stupid about certain things, though I realized that firsts will always hold a special place.
Of course, just as with last semester, there are plenty of things left for me to learn.
I haven't been able to maintain a clean room for more than a week at a time.
I can't bring myself to do my laundry every week, or even every other week.
And I still haven't learned how to stop procrastinating.
For one, I realized that my "no regrets" policy, while a good idea, is somewhat like Communism: a good plan that never works in practice. It would take a perfect person to live life without a single regret. My real goal, from the very beginning, should have been to learn from my mistakes. Perhaps my "no regrets" policy entailed this from the beginning, though I didn't know it when I made the goal. Because if I learn from these mistakes and don't repeat them, I can move towards being a better, or at least wiser, person. And I can't regret the things that led me to be better or wiser, can I?
This semester I continued to learn my limits, as I have apparently not learned enough about them. My body finally gave in, at the very end of it all, to a bad case of bronchitis, a minor ear infection, and some serious chest pain. From this I learned that abusing my body for 9 months is a poor idea. I also learned that pulling an all nighter when I'm getting over a cold is the worst thing I could do to myself, and that once I get sick I need to take extra care of myself or I'll only get worse. It really is too bad that I had to learn this lesson the hard way, considering how much my mom warned me to eat right, sleep right and exercise. Had I done all these in the proper amounts, I would be healthy at this very moment.
I've learned that moms really are right 99.9% of the time, and it's annoying as hell.
I've grown to hate hearing "I told you so" or "it's your own fault".
My procrastinating ways have been reaffirmed with good grades, but poor health. Maybe next year I will learn to take care of myself out of vanity, if nothing else.
I've learned that while I do miss having people who know me really well, half the fun is getting to know people and letting them get to know me. Plus, that way I get to choose what they know about me and what to keep private.
Continuing with my realization about singing being a wonderful way to distract oneself, I also learned that talking is a great way to drown out my thoughts, though I hate having to drown them out.
After this semester I can tell you all about torts and other areas of civil law, a little about contract law, and bits and pieces of criminal law. I can discuss at length the juvenile death penalty and why I stand where I stand on it. Somehow I managed to get a great grade in a hard legal studies class with little work. If you asked me how, though, I wouldn't be to tell you.
After this semester I have also improved my skills in churning out a paper by a certain time, but in the process I learned that sacrificing sleep for a paper is just plain stupid.
This semester I was able to read parts of a book in spanish without needing a dictionary! I am pretty proud of that.
I already knew that if I spent enough time on a drawing it could be pretty good, but I have improved my drawing skills this semester at least a little bit.
Though I sort of said this last time, I have watched the lines between right and wrong blur to the point of being merely shadows of lines, almost indiscernible.
I've forgotten everything I learned first semester about standard deviation.
I've learned the truth in the saying "you never know what to expect," and that past actions (whether you view them as mistakes or not) may be thrown back in your face if you are not careful.
I've taken further steps towards deciding what is right and wrong for me, and I've finally learned that I don't have to go to every party there is. Sometimes it's nice to stay in, and sometimes it's necessary to stay in.
I've learned how to fake that I'm not feeling as sick as I actually am. And I finally stopped being stupid about certain things, though I realized that firsts will always hold a special place.
Of course, just as with last semester, there are plenty of things left for me to learn.
I haven't been able to maintain a clean room for more than a week at a time.
I can't bring myself to do my laundry every week, or even every other week.
And I still haven't learned how to stop procrastinating.
The 17th will be my two year anniversary on this blog. Mayhaps I'll do an inventory of how much I have grown and changed in those two years. I always try to go back and read through my entire blog, but it gets more and more impossible as time goes on.
But that won't stop me from trying again this year.
But that won't stop me from trying again this year.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
The jury's still out on how my day was today. I'd say more good than bad.
I took the train to 30th street station, as I did yesterday, and got picked up by a car full of OTB & we drove to Studio Crash, the place we're recording. We did Radiohead till about 2, then we did Story of The Year, then we ate (around 4), then we did Thursday.
My chest was hurting me more than yesterday this morning and I had a headache, but extra strength Tylenol fixed that.
Recording is pretty fun. It's hard work, but it's still a good time.
On the walk back from the train station I was listening to my CD player and that song "I would walk 500 miles" (or whatever it's called) came on, and it put me in a really good mood, just cause it was so nice and peppy.
I got home and I was in a great mood. I was loving life, and I was all ready to eat the lamb chops and baked potato my mom had made for dinner. But then...I started to feel weird. I couldn't really tell what it was - it wasn't any one thing. My body was just sort of like "I think maybe I might have a headache-- yep, I have one...no, wait, I don't, just kidding...A stomach ache, then. I have a stomach ache...yep, think I might throw up...no, it just hurts...oh fuck, I don't know!!" One thing was for sure, I wasn't hungry. I laid down on the couch in the living room and my mom got me a wet washcloth and I fell asleep. This was some time around 7, and I woke up at 9 when she came to check on me.
I felt a lot better when I woke up, but I am mad that I didn't get to eat the food she made!! I might eat it after my shower just cause it's gonna be good and I don't want to waste it (even though I'm not actually hungry).
Tomorrow brings another day of recording, followed by dinner at Breton's house, followed by me being home again. I don't really mind being at home instead of being at school. I wouldn't have my computer at school, thus I'd probably get about 3 minutes of internet access a day, and that's not enough for me.
Great news! My mom and I are going to Orlando!! I can't wait, it is gonna be so awesome!!
I took the train to 30th street station, as I did yesterday, and got picked up by a car full of OTB & we drove to Studio Crash, the place we're recording. We did Radiohead till about 2, then we did Story of The Year, then we ate (around 4), then we did Thursday.
My chest was hurting me more than yesterday this morning and I had a headache, but extra strength Tylenol fixed that.
Recording is pretty fun. It's hard work, but it's still a good time.
On the walk back from the train station I was listening to my CD player and that song "I would walk 500 miles" (or whatever it's called) came on, and it put me in a really good mood, just cause it was so nice and peppy.
I got home and I was in a great mood. I was loving life, and I was all ready to eat the lamb chops and baked potato my mom had made for dinner. But then...I started to feel weird. I couldn't really tell what it was - it wasn't any one thing. My body was just sort of like "I think maybe I might have a headache-- yep, I have one...no, wait, I don't, just kidding...A stomach ache, then. I have a stomach ache...yep, think I might throw up...no, it just hurts...oh fuck, I don't know!!" One thing was for sure, I wasn't hungry. I laid down on the couch in the living room and my mom got me a wet washcloth and I fell asleep. This was some time around 7, and I woke up at 9 when she came to check on me.
I felt a lot better when I woke up, but I am mad that I didn't get to eat the food she made!! I might eat it after my shower just cause it's gonna be good and I don't want to waste it (even though I'm not actually hungry).
Tomorrow brings another day of recording, followed by dinner at Breton's house, followed by me being home again. I don't really mind being at home instead of being at school. I wouldn't have my computer at school, thus I'd probably get about 3 minutes of internet access a day, and that's not enough for me.
Great news! My mom and I are going to Orlando!! I can't wait, it is gonna be so awesome!!
Monday, May 10, 2004
I feel so much better today than I did yesterday. I woke up at the buttcrack of dawn - 7:30 - to go to the doctor. He checked me out and then ordered a chest x-ray and bloodwork. The chest x-ray showed that I don't have a collapsed lung or any broken ribs or anything, so the pain in my chest is probably just from coughing so much. It hurts less today, but I am so scared to cough at all because I'm afraid it'll pop again. The doctor also said I probably don't have pnumonia. He presribed some more shit for me to take.
We dropped the prescriptions off on the way back and then about an hour later my grandmother and I went and picked them up, and I dropped off film I want developed.
My grandparents were all packed to leave for Europe today. All they needed was for their cab, called for last night to pick them up at 2:30, to come. By 3:30 when the cab dispatcher told them they hadn't even found a cab to pick them up, I offered to drive them. I ended up driving them to the Four Seasons downtown where there are always cabs, b/c my mom assured me the drive to the airport would be even scarier than driving on the Schuykill Expressway, which is pretty damn terrifying in my opinion.
Today was the first time in a long time that I didn't mind driving. I kind of enjoyed it. Sure, people did dumb things, but they didn't affect me and there was no point in getting upset about it.
Ahhh my mommy is home, time for dinner!!
We dropped the prescriptions off on the way back and then about an hour later my grandmother and I went and picked them up, and I dropped off film I want developed.
My grandparents were all packed to leave for Europe today. All they needed was for their cab, called for last night to pick them up at 2:30, to come. By 3:30 when the cab dispatcher told them they hadn't even found a cab to pick them up, I offered to drive them. I ended up driving them to the Four Seasons downtown where there are always cabs, b/c my mom assured me the drive to the airport would be even scarier than driving on the Schuykill Expressway, which is pretty damn terrifying in my opinion.
Today was the first time in a long time that I didn't mind driving. I kind of enjoyed it. Sure, people did dumb things, but they didn't affect me and there was no point in getting upset about it.
Ahhh my mommy is home, time for dinner!!
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Wow. Blogger just totally revamped and it's crazy. It's gonna take some getting used to.
Today was kind of a mess, though not as bad as yesterday.
Maybe I should rewind a little.
I've been sick, and I'm not really getting better. I went to student health on Monday, and got an antibiotic perscribed for me. The directions on the antibiotic are "take two pills every day." I took this to mean "take two pills twice a day," as opposed to "take two pills once a day." Had I known that "500 mg XL" stands for "extended release" I might have known to take them both at the same time. But I didn't, so I took the medication the wrong way for a couple days, which led to me getting a pretty upset stomach from it. Since I've been taking it the right way I've been fine, though (so far...). Tomorrow I am going to the doctor bright and early - 8:45 a.m. - to get a chest x-ray and bloodwork done, because I am having serious chest pain on my left side. It feels like I pulled my pec muscle, because it was pretty sore for a day or two and as soon as it started feeling better (yesterday morning) I had a coughing fit and it felt like something snapped in my chest. It's been hurting more ever since then, although I've been taking steady doses of robitussin, benadryl and sudafed.
However, my sickness isn't really what I came here to write about.
Aside from being sick, I had a really awesome time at the end of school. I wish I had been healthy because I would've been able to go out, but that didn't stop me from having a good time.
The problem with having such a good time is that the better time I have, the harder it is when it ends.
And it ended this weekend.
This weekend, starting at about noon or so on Saturday, has not been the awesomest. Because I was sick and hurt my chest, it was hard for me to pack - I couldn't bend over w/o it hurting, plus I couldn't pick up heavy objects so I had to ask this guy Matt, who was soo nice, to carry them for me. But all that, combined with my mom yelling at me a lot (moving lots of stuff around tends to make her do that...) and I was a mess. I tried to take a nap at home, but I couldn't stop thinking. I hate when I have to try to escape my thoughts, but that's what I've been doing.
I laid there and I thought about what a great time I had, and how I most likely won't have that kind of great time again for 3 1/2 months.
I'm gonna have to come back to this subject b/c I have to go take a shower.
Today was kind of a mess, though not as bad as yesterday.
Maybe I should rewind a little.
I've been sick, and I'm not really getting better. I went to student health on Monday, and got an antibiotic perscribed for me. The directions on the antibiotic are "take two pills every day." I took this to mean "take two pills twice a day," as opposed to "take two pills once a day." Had I known that "500 mg XL" stands for "extended release" I might have known to take them both at the same time. But I didn't, so I took the medication the wrong way for a couple days, which led to me getting a pretty upset stomach from it. Since I've been taking it the right way I've been fine, though (so far...). Tomorrow I am going to the doctor bright and early - 8:45 a.m. - to get a chest x-ray and bloodwork done, because I am having serious chest pain on my left side. It feels like I pulled my pec muscle, because it was pretty sore for a day or two and as soon as it started feeling better (yesterday morning) I had a coughing fit and it felt like something snapped in my chest. It's been hurting more ever since then, although I've been taking steady doses of robitussin, benadryl and sudafed.
However, my sickness isn't really what I came here to write about.
Aside from being sick, I had a really awesome time at the end of school. I wish I had been healthy because I would've been able to go out, but that didn't stop me from having a good time.
The problem with having such a good time is that the better time I have, the harder it is when it ends.
And it ended this weekend.
This weekend, starting at about noon or so on Saturday, has not been the awesomest. Because I was sick and hurt my chest, it was hard for me to pack - I couldn't bend over w/o it hurting, plus I couldn't pick up heavy objects so I had to ask this guy Matt, who was soo nice, to carry them for me. But all that, combined with my mom yelling at me a lot (moving lots of stuff around tends to make her do that...) and I was a mess. I tried to take a nap at home, but I couldn't stop thinking. I hate when I have to try to escape my thoughts, but that's what I've been doing.
I laid there and I thought about what a great time I had, and how I most likely won't have that kind of great time again for 3 1/2 months.
I'm gonna have to come back to this subject b/c I have to go take a shower.
Friday, May 07, 2004
Jesus fucking christ. Every time I talk to my mom she fucking lectures me about how I need to take care of myself, etc. etc. and how it's my own fault that I'm sick. NO SHIT!!!! I FUCKING KNOW THAT.
So I was telling her how I didn't feel well last night and I told her that I DIDN'T go to the parties I could've gone to, and she was like "well if you had gone I would've killed you!" I told her I should've gone, and she repeated her threat to kill me. It just really pissed me off so I raised my voice and was like "DID I GO? NO. So why are you lecturing me?!?" And she's like "You just yelled in my ear, I'm hanging up."
She is so fucking annoying.
So I was telling her how I didn't feel well last night and I told her that I DIDN'T go to the parties I could've gone to, and she was like "well if you had gone I would've killed you!" I told her I should've gone, and she repeated her threat to kill me. It just really pissed me off so I raised my voice and was like "DID I GO? NO. So why are you lecturing me?!?" And she's like "You just yelled in my ear, I'm hanging up."
She is so fucking annoying.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Sappy post #2
While packing the books I brought to school with me, I found 101 Things A College Girl Should Know, a book my mom bought me before I came to Penn. Rule 100 says "Allow yourself to grow, change, hurt, love, ache, party, learn, and search in order to become the person you are meant to be."
I have done all of these things and more, and I'm still not yet who I am meant to be.
But it's been fun finding out.
While packing the books I brought to school with me, I found 101 Things A College Girl Should Know, a book my mom bought me before I came to Penn. Rule 100 says "Allow yourself to grow, change, hurt, love, ache, party, learn, and search in order to become the person you are meant to be."
I have done all of these things and more, and I'm still not yet who I am meant to be.
But it's been fun finding out.
I've started packing up my room. My roommate took all the little flyers off the wall and it looks so bare. So white. So plain and boring. It's like we're erasing the fact that we ever stayed here. Obviously that's not true, as we have memories and pictures and other things to remind us of our many months here. Seth's room was the first room I saw completely stripped bare, and it was really kind of awful to think that this is all over. I know it's nothing really permanent, I'll come back in four months.
Stuff like this gets me all nostalgic and sentimental.
Packing things to leave somewhere is always easier than packing things to go somewhere. Every time we go to Newport I toil for hours over what to bring, and it takes me half an hour to an hour to pack it all back up. Obviously it took me months to figure out what to bring to college. Not only that, but almost every time I went home I came back with more things I needed or wanted. And it'll all be packed up and shipped back to my house in only two or three days, save for a suitcase I'll take with me to Stacey's house for recording.
I am actually pretty happy to be staying later for recording. It's just less time I have to face the real world and can live in my little college bubble. I love this bubble.
Expect many more posts like this in the next few days or weeks. I'm planning on posting a little list of things I'll miss and things I won't miss soon.
Stuff like this gets me all nostalgic and sentimental.
Packing things to leave somewhere is always easier than packing things to go somewhere. Every time we go to Newport I toil for hours over what to bring, and it takes me half an hour to an hour to pack it all back up. Obviously it took me months to figure out what to bring to college. Not only that, but almost every time I went home I came back with more things I needed or wanted. And it'll all be packed up and shipped back to my house in only two or three days, save for a suitcase I'll take with me to Stacey's house for recording.
I am actually pretty happy to be staying later for recording. It's just less time I have to face the real world and can live in my little college bubble. I love this bubble.
Expect many more posts like this in the next few days or weeks. I'm planning on posting a little list of things I'll miss and things I won't miss soon.
Wow, I had the WEIRDEST dreams last night. I just remembered one of them.
I was in Newport and I had an OTB gig to get to at some time. I had about two hours to kill so I went to the gym. I got home and only had half an hour to get ready. I thought I knew what I was wearing but I didn't like what I had planned on, so I put on my prom dress. I decided that was too fancy as I was walking out the door so I went back and changed. I was late at this point, so I ran out of my house and ran to where the gig was. It was pitch black out, and I can't remember whether or not it was raining (reminds me of a book we read in spanish - Chronicle of a death foretold - where no one remembers if it was raining or not), but when I was right near the gig, which was on a boat, there was a truck that had crashed and an FBI agent guy who told me that a pipe line had burst and it was flooding the road, so I couldn't get through. I told him I needed to get through, and somehow I did. When I got to the dock, though, the boat had just pulled away. Everyone in OTB was on it, and they were mad at first but then told me to get on. Suddenly it was light out, though overcast, and they were on a 20- or 30-foot sailboat, which Larry was sailing. They got it sort of close to the dock and I jumped. I grabbed onto the boom and then onto the jib and managed to get on the boat w/o getting myself wet, but I almost capsized it, because no one else knew how to sail or how to keep the boat level. The boat kept turtling, and the first time it did everyone else fell in the water and I climbed over the top and hot dogged it. The second time I think I fell in the water and the centerboard fell out, but somehow we fixed it. Most of them were wearing life jackets, but I wasn't because I was late. I asked if I could skipper and they all said no. I tried to explain to them that I know how to sail, but they wouldn't hear it. I'm pretty sure they let Jason skipper because he said he was a sailor, and I was pissed.
That's about all I remember, but even now I can see it vividly.
I want to sail this summer.
I was in Newport and I had an OTB gig to get to at some time. I had about two hours to kill so I went to the gym. I got home and only had half an hour to get ready. I thought I knew what I was wearing but I didn't like what I had planned on, so I put on my prom dress. I decided that was too fancy as I was walking out the door so I went back and changed. I was late at this point, so I ran out of my house and ran to where the gig was. It was pitch black out, and I can't remember whether or not it was raining (reminds me of a book we read in spanish - Chronicle of a death foretold - where no one remembers if it was raining or not), but when I was right near the gig, which was on a boat, there was a truck that had crashed and an FBI agent guy who told me that a pipe line had burst and it was flooding the road, so I couldn't get through. I told him I needed to get through, and somehow I did. When I got to the dock, though, the boat had just pulled away. Everyone in OTB was on it, and they were mad at first but then told me to get on. Suddenly it was light out, though overcast, and they were on a 20- or 30-foot sailboat, which Larry was sailing. They got it sort of close to the dock and I jumped. I grabbed onto the boom and then onto the jib and managed to get on the boat w/o getting myself wet, but I almost capsized it, because no one else knew how to sail or how to keep the boat level. The boat kept turtling, and the first time it did everyone else fell in the water and I climbed over the top and hot dogged it. The second time I think I fell in the water and the centerboard fell out, but somehow we fixed it. Most of them were wearing life jackets, but I wasn't because I was late. I asked if I could skipper and they all said no. I tried to explain to them that I know how to sail, but they wouldn't hear it. I'm pretty sure they let Jason skipper because he said he was a sailor, and I was pissed.
That's about all I remember, but even now I can see it vividly.
I want to sail this summer.
Remember that time when I was blub blub blubbing and I wrote about it a lot? I stopped writing about it because it's become sort of a consistant theme with me - the getting fatter part. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't. Right now I don't.
I am kind of annoyed, though, because after that week that I did 200 crunches every day I could actually see and feel results. I'm telling you, my stomach was on its way to looking fucking awesome. Anddd then I stopped going because I had a backache and then I fucking got sick. I just wanted to look really hot for summer.
I am blogging in order to procrastinate writing my english paper. It's the last thing I have to do and then I'm done. It should be easy, but I am having a tough time getting it off the ground. I think I will try to write it in half hour increments. I'd love to get it done today and be able to completely fuck around tomorrow.
I am kind of annoyed, though, because after that week that I did 200 crunches every day I could actually see and feel results. I'm telling you, my stomach was on its way to looking fucking awesome. Anddd then I stopped going because I had a backache and then I fucking got sick. I just wanted to look really hot for summer.
I am blogging in order to procrastinate writing my english paper. It's the last thing I have to do and then I'm done. It should be easy, but I am having a tough time getting it off the ground. I think I will try to write it in half hour increments. I'd love to get it done today and be able to completely fuck around tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
I went to Wawa for lunch. It was some nice alone time.
Sometimes I agree about it being to personal in first person.
She felt like her head was floating above everything. She wasn't paying attention to her surroundings because she was so enveloped in her thoughts. Where had the year gone? Why was it ending so soon, and what will she do for four months over the summer?
Look at it as a new opportunity, full of potential new experiences. You never know what'll happen, she told herself.
But she doesn't see many opportunities for a good time this summer. She has two weeks at the end of May before she starts working. She can see her summer now: go to work during the week, come home exhausted. Maybe work out. Maybe not. What else?
Can she really wish her entire summer away?
She's going to miss this life...
Sometimes I agree about it being to personal in first person.
She felt like her head was floating above everything. She wasn't paying attention to her surroundings because she was so enveloped in her thoughts. Where had the year gone? Why was it ending so soon, and what will she do for four months over the summer?
Look at it as a new opportunity, full of potential new experiences. You never know what'll happen, she told herself.
But she doesn't see many opportunities for a good time this summer. She has two weeks at the end of May before she starts working. She can see her summer now: go to work during the week, come home exhausted. Maybe work out. Maybe not. What else?
Can she really wish her entire summer away?
She's going to miss this life...
Monday, May 03, 2004
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Saturday, May 01, 2004
I was gonna try to go back to sleep, but I think I'm abandoning that plan. The first three songs of my sleepytime playlist are awesome: Shadowman by K's Choice, June by Pinback, and Transatlanticism by Death Cab For Cutie.
I can't stop thinking. Thinking can really ruin sleep. I was thinking about how excited I am for my new glasses. I picked them out yesterday when I went home...they are brown plastic frames and they're awesome.I was torn between them and some other pretty nice glasses that just sort of blended in...it was a toss up between glasses that said "woah, look at those awesome glasses she's wearing!" or "wow I hardly noticed your glasses." In the past I've always tried to get the least noticeable ones because I hated glasses...but I guess my eyesight's not getting any better so I might as well get some fucking awesome frames. I also got perscription sunglasses that are the shit.
I was also thinking about all the stuff I have to do in the next week - I have to pack up my life and move it back home in pieces. I am going home one day next week and bringing half of my stuff home so move out on the weekend won't be so bad. I also have to do my drawings and write a paper. My life is so not hard. I was thinking about what to do today - I have a couple dark loads to wash, I could pack up stuff to take home, I need to redo my nails, I want to curl my hair, I could start my work, I need to go to CVS and Fresh Grocer, and I wanted to go to the gym but I talked myself out of it because I am sick and my back kind of hurts. I will try to go tomorrow.
I really need to enjoy this week, because all the things I'm worrying about are so trivial.
Oh, and my ipod. And by "my ipod" I mean the one I will be purchasing soon. I decided that if I work a lot over the summer, which I will be doing, I am gonna buy myself an ipod. If I buy the ipod at the beginning of the summer I can listen to it on my way to work, bring it to Newport, and when I ask myself whyyyyy I am working these hours and whyyyyyy I have no life over the summer, I will look lovingly at my beautiful ipod and remember.
Time to get on top of my shit!
I can't stop thinking. Thinking can really ruin sleep. I was thinking about how excited I am for my new glasses. I picked them out yesterday when I went home...they are brown plastic frames and they're awesome.I was torn between them and some other pretty nice glasses that just sort of blended in...it was a toss up between glasses that said "woah, look at those awesome glasses she's wearing!" or "wow I hardly noticed your glasses." In the past I've always tried to get the least noticeable ones because I hated glasses...but I guess my eyesight's not getting any better so I might as well get some fucking awesome frames. I also got perscription sunglasses that are the shit.
I was also thinking about all the stuff I have to do in the next week - I have to pack up my life and move it back home in pieces. I am going home one day next week and bringing half of my stuff home so move out on the weekend won't be so bad. I also have to do my drawings and write a paper. My life is so not hard. I was thinking about what to do today - I have a couple dark loads to wash, I could pack up stuff to take home, I need to redo my nails, I want to curl my hair, I could start my work, I need to go to CVS and Fresh Grocer, and I wanted to go to the gym but I talked myself out of it because I am sick and my back kind of hurts. I will try to go tomorrow.
I really need to enjoy this week, because all the things I'm worrying about are so trivial.
Oh, and my ipod. And by "my ipod" I mean the one I will be purchasing soon. I decided that if I work a lot over the summer, which I will be doing, I am gonna buy myself an ipod. If I buy the ipod at the beginning of the summer I can listen to it on my way to work, bring it to Newport, and when I ask myself whyyyyy I am working these hours and whyyyyyy I have no life over the summer, I will look lovingly at my beautiful ipod and remember.
Time to get on top of my shit!