quick post to say i went to nyc this weekend and had a blast! definitely don't have the energy to type it all now. i may or may not write about it in more detail later.

- the weather
+ this weather got me out of work at 2:30
+ because the firm closed the 2 hours i stayed last night in anticipation of leaving early today now count as overtime instead of making up for leaving early

pahhhh... BOOYAH!!

on a very different note...

hung out w/ rachel again last night!!! she met me after work, we came back to my apt and talked about the trip i'm planning, looked up flights and hostels. every step closer, every little thing like that makes it seem more real, and with every little step i get a lot more excited. we went to dinner at devil's alley, split a salad and wings and had wine and talked. we discussed how cool it is that we will be friends for the rest of our lives. how cool it is that there are people in our lives that we will know, that know us, that we will have forever. she said that thought kept her going when she first started out in prague and felt lonely, and it is a thought in which i have found much solace lately. after dinner we came back to my apt for a little and then walked to the train station and said our goodbyes.

on the way to the train station eli called to see if i wanted to go out, so i met up w/ him and a few other people half a block from my apt after dropping rachel off. had drinks and a great time. we went to a few different places, inc. a bar where we played darts and then tried to steal a book and the bartender yelled like a banshee at us (it was scary yet hilarious).

i felt fine this morning, got to work 5 minutes early b/c we had a 3 hour training for some new document management program we're going to be using, got my hair cut at lunch, then worked til 7. it was a long day. i went to the gym - biked for 25 and did the elliptical for 26. currently trying to get myself to do crunches, but i still have to shower and totally pack for ny. and i wanted to do my nails. so much to do, so little time. but i did find time to blog.

i miss the purity and innocence of young love.

i dreamt about my first love the other night. i know it's because in my mind that love will always hold a special place. when i think of a great relationship, i think of that one. when i think of someone who was so perfect for me and for whom i was perfect, i think of that. of all my relationships there are two where the love was real, where i know the other person really cared about me. but that first love, when i was too young to feel so jaded and so corrupted, that was something. i guess part of me likes to believe it can exist, but that part is ever shrinking, that flame is flickering out and will soon be gone.

don't get me wrong - i am not yearning for it right now. love songs do not make me sad, nor do sappy movies. i think we grow up too fast and want to experience so much early on. i also think i've seen a lot of things that people my age have not had to see or deal with, and it has really shaken my faith in...people.

quick recap:

monday: saw rachel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today: work, boooooo. shins hurt at the gym today (and yesterday) so i didn't run (much) yesterday and today i ran for like 2 minutes and then stopped at did elliptical. also saw my mom, it was a good visit.

i called my mom on valentine's day and asked her to be my valentine. she said yes, and asked if i'd be hers. i said of course.

went to reading for the first time last night. it was fun :)

also finally hung up some art on my walls, including the ansel adams framed pic i found in the trash, this really cool, large asian style fan my mom bought, a few pics of flowers in my bathroom, and a pic of a rainbow my mom bought in newport. still to hang: players picture and the second mirror.

i really can't believe it's february already. last i recall i was dreading it becoming winter and having to suffer through the cold and snow. haha. i mean it was cold but there weren't nearly as many bitter cold horrible days as i thought there would be. the wind was really what made the weather suck on certain days. but here it is, already february, less than one month until my 23rd birthday, and i can't figure out where all that time went. i have a whole saturday day ahead of me, let's make it a good one.

mad4 last night w/ breton, his friend matt, jake, dave and alexia, very very fun. it's mad4, when is it not awesome??

hahahahah that valentine's day youtube vid is hilarious.

oh, also, so is my life!!!!!!!!!!

good start to the day: i was making coffee in the kitchen and decided to mix french vanilla and hazelnut since there was only one hazelnut and one french vanilla of the kind i usually use. when i went to brew the second cup the stupid bin was full (3rd time this week i've had to empty it) so i begrudgingly emptied it, hit brew, and turned away to make my oatmeal. when i turned back i realized i never put the cup back under the coffee machine so it was brewing into the drip catcher underneath. sweet. i caught the rest with the cup but it was really just a tiny bit.

then my phone died and i forgot to bring my charger to work. nice.

eyes do it for me. this is just a general statement, but people with intense eyes, or eyes that sparkle, really do it for me.

quick summary of today before i shower:

nothing interesting from work.. might get to leave early tomorrow b/c they're doing an update to pattsy, the program we use for docketing. i will keep my fingers crossed about that one.

came home, talked to stacey for an hour and 20 minutes, went to the gym, ran for ~46 minutes, walked 10, a bit of crunches and a bit of biceps, stopped at cvs on the way home to pick up some necessities and managed to avoid a line of 15+ people at the front by going around to the back and nicely asking if i could pay at the pharmacy register. the man there was very nice for letting me. that's really about it.

oh and yesterday i did the treadmill for an hour and 8 minutes. ran for like..35 i think, then walked, then ran 15, then walked. :-D

on second thought, i will take it being warmer and just raining to enough shitstorm weather outside to cancel work.

i got all bundled up in boots, winder coat, gloves, scarf, earmuffs, only to walk outside and realize that it is significantly warmer than yesterday. thank you baby jesus.

i can't lie, when i woke up and heard it was still raining i hoped to look out the window and see a massive sheet of ice, which would require me to call my office to see if they were closed which, in my fantasy world, they would be.

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have." - Hermione

i just love this quote

things from today:

i did not go to the gym, i was too tired. and that's ok. i did do crunches here anyway.

i think it's weird when i see people brushing their teeth in the bathroom at work. i associate tooth brushing with something you do in the privacy of your own home.

i went to sleep at midnight last night (an hour earlier than usual), had 2 cups of coffee this morning, and was still tired enough by lunch at 1 to take a half hour nap. good weekend :)

with that said, i had a great weekend, including a really fun day trip to baltimore yesterday.

I need to take this to heart.

today i asked for the four days following memorial day off from work and got the ok from my boss and the firm administrator. step one complete. i also asked my boss if i could leave at 3:30 in two fridays so i can catch a bus up to nyc for a weekend of awesomeness and she said it was fine!

thank you for: taking me climbing and making me realize i can do more than i think i can, helping me move downtown, being the only reason i got to be on a sail boat in all of 2007, showing me what is absolutely not tolerable from a boyfriend

no thank you for: the rest

part of why i am not trying to go live in south america and teach english for half a year is because of how my family would react. they would look down on me, say i'm a terrible daughter, possibly shun me, and not be there for me if i really needed them. but i realized something on my way back to my apt for lunch today: how would that be different than now? they already don't think i'm a very good daughter, and though they haven't really shunned me it's not like we are in communication with each other. my aunt is the most impossible person to reach and in the past month i would say we have spoken twice, maybe 3 minutes each time, because i called. soooo..yeah. rachel's dad said things aren't going to change in this situation so i will either have to do it and deal with the possible consequences or decide that i am ok with not doing it at all.

i talked to rachel for about 5 minutes online today and in that time i asked her what she's doing at the end of may, she asked if i was going to come visit, i said i would love to and i would also love to go to spain and she said she would love to go to barcelona and might be able to take of a few days of work and we could go together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

also
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously. she was serious. and i was serious. and i am seriously SO EXCITED. my family no doubt will try to dissuade me from going b/c it's "too expensive" (my grandmother already tried, as did my mom) but f it, i'm doing it. i deserve it.

got back from visiting my mom tonight and made the best compromise ever. i really wanted to watch lost, but i really wanted to go to the gym. hmmmm, what to do? as luck would have it, my gym's treadmills all have little tv's and you can plug headphones into them. sooo i ran. i ran for approx 45 min and then walked for 10 min, taking me to a whopping amazingly awesome 55 minutes on the treadmill. seriously awesome. i was definitely the last one there cause i think lost went til 10:05 and i was that asshole, but dammit i had to see the end. [very brief SPOILER ALERT] THEY CAME FOR BEN!!! WHAT?!?! Damn it just got even more interesting. And he's got someone on their boat?!?! I must find out more!!!!!

PRAGUE AND SPAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!

my mind does this thing where it separates hurtful things in my past (or present) from me. i am not really sure how, but i know why: it is a defense mechanism. but when i think to myself, wow, i can't believe i knew this person and it was only just a short while ago that we were deeply intertwined, well...i have to assume my mind does it to protect me. time also helps, but it is not the only agent here. i can't believe i've been in some of the relationships i've been in; it seems like it was ages ago, another lifetime. friends lost seem more like ghosts, more like far off dreams, than realities that slowly waned like the moon into nothingness. though i may dwell on thoughts, images spark the disbelief in my brain that i was ever truly one hundred percent involved in certain situations. though i can look at a picture and remember how it felt to be in it, how it felt to be with that person, i also feel the distance, the separation in space and time between them and me. i know it was real and yet i don't believe it. some part of me can't grasp a that reality that no longer exists was still, at one point, so very real, so very fresh, and sometimes, so very crushing.

pgw is my least favorite bill to get.

I'm finished! What a great book!! I'm so glad I caved and decided to read these books. I saw the movie already but there was so much left out of the movie that it's not even comparable. Here is my last favorite quote:

"According to Madam Pomfrey, thoughts could leave deeper scarring than almost anything else..."

Simple, short, cute (since Ron was injured by a brain and its thought tentacles), and true.

i had a really good workout tonight. i was supposed to visit my mom but i canceled b/c weather.com (aka lies.com) said there was a 100% chance of thunder storms by 6 pm, which was when i was going to go. the ground seemed wet when i left work so it must have rained, but it has not rained since. hence, lies.com. anyway, did the treadmill for like 47 min (40 running), elliptical for 17, crunches and a bit of weights :)

rachel's dad emailed me yesterday asking if i wanted to get lunch with him today, and to call him at his office if i did. i called and we met up at 1 and went to this japanese restaurant, which was very yummy. i guess i never imagined having lunch with my friend's parent(s), but it was really nice. we talked about all kinds of things - the future, school, careers, traveling, and of course a little bit about rachel. it was really nice.

dinner time, and i'm about to finish harry potter and the order of the phoenix!!!!

things i need to save up for:

- moving/traveling to another country/state
- taking classes to help me get a better job
- an iphone
- laser eye surgery

oh right, i also meant to say that i felt lazy when i went to the gym b/c i didn't run, despite the fact that i did elliptical for 35 and bike for 17 and crunches and a bit of weights. but the cardio was meh compared to running. i think my new sneakers are too big and i feel dumb for buying them b/c i sort of thought it at the time. i put cotton balls in the front but i don't know if that helped.

It's only been 2008 for a little over a month and already so much has happened. I've already..

...laughed
...cried
...probably broke some of my new years resolutions
...kept some of my new years resolutions
...let my emotions get the better of me
...controlled my emotions
...cooked chicken for the first time!!!
...made new friends
...dropped bad habits
...found a market a few blocks away that sells fresh produce and plenty of other food. hopefully i will never go another month and a half without food shopping
...made mistakes
...done my best to correct the mistakes i made
...kept promises
...broken promises
...realized i only want to be surrounded by people who are real and genuine
...discovered lots of great new music.

Oh, there's more. There's always more.

Today I got to use my computer/art skills at work to design a new docketing stamp. As lame as it sounds I was happy about it because it's the most creative thing I've gotten to do for my job to date. My boss asked me if I could come up with something and after giving it to her twice and updating it, I think we've got it. I did it in word and it was really easy but I think it looks pretty good. So it's an accomplishment and you can be damn sure I will mention that if possible at my next job interview. Or somewhere in my resume. Or something. It's cool ok? I swear. It will be pretty neat if my design becomes a real stamp...

My coworkers on 13 were asking me if I was ok today, I guess because I was nervous enough from yesterday to finish the day up on 16. I said yeah I was fine, though not really convinced that everything was totally fine and we have nothing to worry about. My boss said she was scared too, so she emailed the firm administrator. The firm admin (who I have huge amounts of respect for in general) responded by basically saying it was a prank, the police have no reason to believe it was serious, and that we should (effectively) get over it. I didn't really like that, although I guess technically there's nothing to do. But it's always when no one takes a threat seriously enough that something bad happens, you always hear about it in the news.

During my lunch hour I decided it was time to try to find myself a new eye doctor downtown that takes my insurance. While shopping on Saturday I saw a ForEyes downtown so I stopped in and grabbed a business card. I called today and they said to figure out if my insurance uses some other eye company. Turns out they do, but it also turns out there are TONS of eye doctors around here so I may as well try to find one closer to me than that place (which was maybe 4 or 5 blocks...). I found one but instead of just calling and making an appointment I decided to check it out after work today. I walked to where it was (read: should have been) but couldn't find it. The number is 255. I passed 251. Then I came upon 257. WHERE WAS 255?? I kept walking and stumbled upon a market. This is pretty exciting news, as I recently went a month and a half (see above) without grocery shopping. It was really pathetic. Well, this place, despite being noticeably more expensive than the Super Fresh on Columbus, has a great selection. They have produce, meat, all the grocery store standards, and even lactaid. Good job, store. After my couscous + stir fry zucchini + baby corn success last night I figured I'd finally try my hand at cooking some meat so I bought some chicken, zucchini, orange pepper, and snow peas. Long story short, I stir fried the shit out of that chicken and it was delicious. I am not kidding, it was so flavorful! All I did was put oil in the pan and salt it while it was in there. I know people said it was easy but this was like cooking for kindergardeners. It really couldn't have been easier or more tasty, so I am pretty pleased with myself for that. I made enough for lunch tomorrow, but Rachel's dad emailed me asking if I want to get lunch (which I do, of course), so it looks like I already have dinner!

So, suffice it to say I had a very nice day.

In other news, I haven't been sleeping that great. Last night I tried a trick that helped a little, but I can't seem to get to bed early no matter what I do.

Oh and lastly, since this is part of why I can't get to bed... I am almost finished Harry Potter (and the Order of the Phoenix)!!!!!!! There are two quotes I just love:

"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young." That one is Dumbledore telling Harry he made a huge mistake.

"There is a room in the Department of Mysteries...that is kept locked at all times. It contains a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than forces of nature. It is also, perhaps, the most mysterious of the many subjects for study that reside there." Again, Dumbledore, but here he is talking about emotion, about having a heart, about love. Pretty accurate, I would say.

cool, i just found a bunch of eye doctors. maybe i can get an eye exam and new contacts now!!

let's see.

it's definitely easier to get up on mondays than tuesdays. tuesdays i have the two day effect from getting up so early monday. but monday i am all well rested from the weekend (i now sleep til 1 on weekends, cause why the hell should i not if my body's tired?). i could have not felt awesome today from superbowl festivities but i took advil and drank a ton of water, so i felt fine. i even woke up before my alarm went off and hit snooze twice instead of 3 times. but part of that was cause i was anxious.

around 12:40 they evacuated us from the 13th floor but wouldn't say why. i went on lunch and when i got back an hour later the people at the front desk of the building said it was safe to go up. i asked if they knew what happened and they said someone wrote something on the men's bathroom wall that caused some concern. they didn't say what was written. i went back up and got increasingly nervous that something bad would happen, to the point where i didn't really feel i could concentrate. then i thought about how i'm not a risk taker and risking either being blown up or shot was not really something i felt like doing so my boss said it was fine for me to go up to the 16th floor to work if there was a free computer. this (weird) guy who had only worked there about a month was just sacked so i got to sit at his old desk in an office with another guy. i felt much better being upstairs, and it didn't hurt that the chair was the most comfortable chair ever, second only to the conference room chairs which are like sitting on a piece of heaven.

i did 2 hours of over time since there's plenty of work to do, and i will probably stay late again tomorrow. when i got home i decided to be creative for dinner so i made couscous and then stir fried (yes, you read correctly, this is the closest i've come to real cooking...ever) baby corn and zucchini. mixed them all together and BAM, a delicious meal. talked to stacey, hit up the gym (was only there for about an hour so 20 min treadmill, 25 elliptical, crunches). that pretty much sums it up (in a rather boring manner but i'm not in a creative or remotely pensive/deep mood right now).

so there you have it.

oh p.s., at my entire time at cc i made about what i make in 5 weeks at my current job. and i was there for more than 5 weeks.

sigh. off the beat continues to haunt me, making me feel shitty as ever. despite the fact that i'm not in the group anymore, the rarb review came out for the group. i guess i was expecting them to say my song was particularly week, which even i feel is true, but they didn't. there was no reference to my song at all. i know i need to get over my bitterness about the group and the fact that i never got a chance to show my talent after let go, but it's pretty hard. especially when all my peers got tons of chances, two solos on the album... ugh. i just hate two of the three solos i have on the albums b/c the songs aren't remotely interesting, the style is not what i sound best on and it just isn't fair. but life's not fair, right? i need to keep that last post in my mind right now, when i start to feel sorry for myself. i'm sure everyone can feel sorry for themselves so i am no exception. but still. everyone else in that group got their credit where it was due. one of the things that sticks with me is when i recorded a background solo in surface at the very end and jonah said it was too bad i couldn't sing more of that song cause i sounded so good on it. no shit.

i have been feeling very anxious from the moment i woke up today. my hands aren't shaky but i feel very jittery and uptight and i tried taking deep breaths but they didn't relax me. i woke up before my alarm and laid in bed feeling anxious, and when i asked myself why i was feeling this way i couldn't think of any legitimate reason. i had two cups of coffee to wake up at work and that surely didn't help. i got an email about a blood drive on feb 26th. i have never given blood before but i really think i should, but when i started thinking about it i got freaked out at the thought of it. what if it hurts? what if i faint after? what if i just feel crappy? i'm scared of the thought and i used to always use the excuse that i had mono and didn't think you could give blood after (this is not true). even typing this i feel like i'm being very incoherent b/c i can't focus and i am so anxious. i don't understand it and i don't like it.

"if i don't let myself be happy now then when? if not now when?"

jimmy eat world, you always know what to say to me.