today i didn't have work til 5 so i got to sleep in (couldn't sleep past 11). i did get awakened by those godforsaken lawn mowers at eight fucking thirty this morning, but i was so exhausted i just put my earplugs in and passed out almost immediately. i called to complain about the lawn mowers (at least my fourth call) and the woman i spoke to said "we don't think 8:30 is early, there's nothing we can do". what a bitch, and an idiot. i'm sorry, i know i don't live by a "real world" schedule, but i believe 9 am is the standard "noise-making" time. so fuck you, noise makers of the world. you can suck a big fat one.

despite my angry tone i'm really not in a bad mood. i'm in a fine mood, in fact. today was decent. i saw my mom today, but not for as long as last time. last time we had a full conversation for about 45 minutes. this time she kicked me out after about 15 minutes, and i chatted w/ her doc for a minute or two afterwards. after that i came back, ate, went up and said hi to my grandfather for a few minutes, and then sat out by the pool for a little over an hour. man was that just what i needed. i forgot a book so i listened to music and spent the majority of the time passing between sleep and wake. it was glorious, and i got a little tanner so i'm happy.

after the pool i got ready for work, rushed over there, was 5 minutes late as usual (i'm talking about cc #2 here, i usually get to the normal one on time). it was busier than during the day and the time went quickly, and i organized all the cameras and camcorders b/c i was bored at one point. nothing too exciting there, except that one guy was pointing out how i up sold another customer and i said i wasn't trying to, and he said it's a sign of a good sales person. that was nice.

tonight, for the first time, i came back from work with some energy. i did some laundry that i had planned on doing tomorrow (turns out i'm working at cc #2 11-4 and #1 5-9, similar to my mon/tues 10-4 and 5-9, which is exhausting), talked to fred about the tour, which by the way is fucking ridiculous. everyone is getting kicked out for basically doing drugs aka transfusions of blood and testosterone. the two guys i was rooting for (vino and kloden) left. what the hell. now the yellow jersey (rasmussen) is out, kicked out by his team. madness.

i also rode the bike b/c i figured i had the energy, i'll prob have a backache soon, and i need the exercise. my grandmother heard me making noise and kept me company for the 47 minutes i biked. it was nice to talk to her - they have been up in newport a lot recently and that coupled with my crazy work hours have meant little family time with them, which i certainly do enjoy in the right doses. she was sweet, said she wants to take me to nordstrom's and buy me comfortable shoes since all the ones i have are absolutely awful. she also said she's gonna make me some egg salad and put it in my fridge, which is so cute. she couldn't be cuter when she does stuff like that.

other than that i have nothing else to report other than that i wanted to be asleep 49 minutes ago so i could get my 8 hours. alas, didn't we almost have it all.

it's funny how your friends have stopped talking to me.

i am in a schmooey mood right now, but it's more a combo of the squinty-eyed mood and a schmooey mood. kind of sad. definitely upset about how i am slowly gaining weight yet after days like today and yesterday there's no way i have any energy to exercise. i am just dead. my legs are tired, my feet hurt, there is no energy left in me.

i just read some more letters from my mom's old boyfriend, Gil. They are all pretty similar - he declares his love for her over and over and says how he can't live without her, etc. etc. i did find out that they disagreed on how they would raise kids when they became adolescents and that he often referred to my mom as stubborn, which really comes as no surprise to me because there's still stubbornness in her now (i wish there wasn't). i wonder if he ever thinks of her. it's almost like i'm creating a sort of fairy tale in my head about their relationship while also trying to discover more about my mom before she was my mom.


all in all i can't even figure out what would make me feel better right now. probably a hug from the right person and just being. i guess maybe i'm lonely? yeah that's definitely it.

my grandmother came down to my apt today to get her little metal cart so she could take her newspapers. she didn't say she was leaving me anything, but i noticed tonight after work when i was getting the milk for my captain crunch cereal that she left me a big bowl with cut up cantaloupe in it. it's probably one of the cutest things she's ever done. it was just so touching that she did such a cute little thing for me, knowing how much i would love it. i love her.

one last thing before i go: tonight my back was hurting me so much that by closing i was sitting on the floor putting the camera bags back up. jim, my manager who is younger than me, was trying to motivate me to organize things for closing so we could get the hell out of there and i said that if he pushed me in a cart i would do it. he left, i got up and started organizing, next thing i know he's pushing a cart and tells me to get in. it pretty awesome - he pushed me around all the aisles and i straightened the boxes.. yeah, pretty great.

i hate when ppl say "well then go to south america" or "go to europe" as if it's that easy. if it were that easy, i would be there right now. don't you see? if it were that simple and i didn't have so many awful reasons to be here, they wouldn't be talking to me right then.

i don't mean to start this post off negatively, because i didn't have a bad day, even though it started out that way. i worked at two cc's today. first the one in montgom.ville from 10:30 to 4. it was supposed to be 10 to 4 but i got lost on the way there like an idiot, but it's not totally my fault because google maps gave me wrong directions, telling me to turn right when i needed to turn left. and it was raining. and i was pissed (the early morning mocha frap probably did not help me). the m.v. cc is not nearly as crowded as the wg one. plus, i wasn't in the system for a few hours so i missed out on ringing up 3 sales, but i guess it doesn't really matter. they got me logged in on the time sheets there, but i'm not really sure how that's gonna work...

i got to speak spanish again, which i love. it's happened 3 times now - hispanic people come in and they can't speak english and someone who knows i majored in hisp studies will direct them to me. i love it. i get slightly more comfortable every time, even though the basic grammatical errors i make stick out like a sore thumb, and sometimes i just won't finish a sentence when i know they know what i mean and i can't find the right word. so far i tried to sell a hispanic man phones, i succeeded in selling three hispanic men a range extender so they could continue to mooch wireless internet from their neighbors, and i told a group of hispanic men today to bring their camera in because it didn't seem like we had the battery they needed. today the guy who belonged to the camera asked me how i knew spanish and i said i took some classes in college but never went abroad. it was cool.

the mv cc also had guitar hero on display so after i clocked out at 4 i played for half an hour, realized i needed to leave to get to the wg cc on time, left, stopped at 711 for lunch, discovered i still had the keys to unlock the cases, rushed back to return them, saw my mom's doctor of all people buying something from cc but had ZERO time to talk so i said i'd see him weds. i didn't even ask how she is and while i feel partially bad about that if i had asked i would have wanted to stay for a more detailed response AND i didn't really want my dirty laundry aired in cc, nor did i want to be late for my next/same job.

it turns out that i am the top third seller in my cc, so apparently there is a contest now btw me and nick, who is #2. #1 is one of the dans, who only has 14 hours a week so he is not being counted. apparently whoever sells more (esp installs) wins something really cool. i wanna know what - i hope it's a playstation and guitar hero. that would pretty much inspire me to do anything. i think i am the number one seller in accessories and one of the top in cca. but not very good in installs - they are too complicated and there are too many different ones with different sku's and prices i can't keep track of.

today i was trying to get two really good sales and ended up just running all over fucking tarnation for these people, but fortunately they both appreciated it and i'll probably get hero of the day (3rd time) tomorrow. schweet. if only that meant i got $10 or something. anything.

it looks like i'm not making it to newport this summer. when i told my mom that she said yeah, but we thought last summer was it so it's ok. i got a mommy hug on friday and boy was it nice.

tomorrow same hours as today -- zzzzzzzzzz will be me tomorrow night. seeing my mom again on weds. sam may want me to sing on something he's recording...that would be fucking awesome. he met the head of a&r at emi, aka that is my dream jobbbbbbb.

wonder if i'll ever grow up and stop having dream jobs. nahhhh.

if i don't get to newport, at least i'm probs seeing muse aug 10th and fred is coming up the following weekend. i'm so happy he's going to school closer than fla.

other than that there's just one thing i find really funny, but i shan't write it in here.

i found old letters and cards from men my mom dated. i am reading through them in the hopes that they will give me some insight into her - who was she, what did she do, why did the relationships fall apart? this is so weird and almost morbid. i wonder how her life would have gone if she had married them and not my dad.

everyone knows it's how you deal with crisis situations like this that shows your true colors, your true character. i have always known my true colors to be yellow and green - those of a jealous coward. if laziness had a color, it would be mine as well. i've also always known my true character to be generally flawed. that is why i am convinced i am unable to deal with this situation with any sort of grace or maturity. i am inherently lazy and unmotivated, not to mention that i am not an independent person on the whole - whether that is my nature or my nurture i can't be sure. i just don't know how i am going to get through this. i've never wished to fast forward through my life so much, or to go back in time and prevent my parents from ever having me. i wonder if my mom would be ok had she never had me. i wonder where i will be in 20, 30, 50 years, and how i will judge myself for dealing with this. will i be living on the streets addicted to crack? i kid you not - my mind creates these scenarios where everything spirals wildly out of control and that is where i find myself. i certainly don't foresee myself being successful by any means.

right now i just feel 110% unprepared for anything. i am not mature enough, i am not brave enough, strong enough, motivated or driven or responsible enough, i am not tough, i am not persistent. the worst thing i can imagine for myself right now is working all the time, working 50 or 60 hours a week and having no time to relax or enjoy my life. i just don't know what to do with myself. i know i don't have a strong enough character to do this. it is going to be very disappointing for my family when they discover this for sure too.

i find myself totally unprepared for any job with the stupid major and minor i chose. unprepared to take care of myself financially or in any other way. unprepared for the real world and thrown into it with minimal warning. i don't think my life is going to amount to anything.

congratulations to me, i have the worst/hardest/most impossible life of anyone i know.

im pouting.

i feel shitty right now.

i feel fat and gross and unmotivated, but really i'm just tired. i have eaten way too much junk food and a then i drank a mocha frapp to energize me but then instead all the sugar just made me feel like real poop on the bottom of a shoe. and i'm still too tired to exercise. andrew's health/exercise kick combined with my just getting fatter makes me feel worse than if i was just getting fatter. and now when i could be exercising i'm just too tired and part of me feels like i'm just making an excuse but the other part knows it's valid cause i haven't gotten a good night's sleep since probably thursday.

and it looks like i may not make it up to newport this summer which really fucking blows. i don't want to have to sleep in the room with the kids...i am not a kid and they are gonna wake up way earlier than i am and my bedtime schedule would def fuck them up. ugh. and mom mom wants to be there when i'm there and i don't wanna.

pouting, cranky, crankle pants.

first, i never wrote about how i went rock climbing last wednesday. it was a lot of fun and i have been sore until today. more on that later.

i went to penn state this weekend with meghan, sam and meghan's friend heather. tons of fun. more on that later as well.

i am going to bed but i just wanted to say...i found another gray hair in my head today. what. the. hell.

do you ever just feel like you are totally pretending everything is ok?

one of my favorite things is when someone does something that only i will understand knowing that many others will see/hear it but not really know. i don't know why, but i just fucking love it. like a facebook status change that only i REALLY get. it makes me happy.

instead of just pasting the link im gonna paste the whole article:

Procrastination: Ten Things To Know
Is your procrastination hindering you? Ten things you should know.

By:Hara Estroff Marano

There are many ways to avoid success in life, but the most sure-fire just might be procrastination. Procrastinators sabotage themselves. They put obstacles in their own path. They actually choose paths that hurt their performance.

Why would people do that? I talked to two of the world's leading experts on procrastination: Joseph Ferrari, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at De Paul University in Chicago, and Timorthy Pychyl, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada. Neither one is a procrastinator, and both answered my many questions immediately.

1. Twenty percent of people identify themselves as chronic procrastinators. For them procrastination is a lifestyle, albeit a maladaptive one. And it cuts across all domains of their life. They don't pay bills on time. They miss opportunities for buying tickets to concerts. They don't cash gift certificates or checks. They file income tax returns late. They leave their Christmas shopping until Christmas eve.

2. It's not trivial, although as a culture we don't take it seriously as a problem. It represents a profound problem of self-regulation. And there may be more of it in the U.S. than in other countries because we are so nice; we don't call people on their excuses ("my grandmother died last week") even when we don't believe them.

3. Procrastination is not a problem of time management or of planning. Procrastinators are not different in their ability to estimate time, although they are more optimistic than others. "Telling someone who procrastinates to buy a weekly planner is like telling someone with chronic depression to just cheer up," insists Dr. Ferrari.

4. Procrastinators are made not born. Procrastination is learned in the family milieu, but not directly. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling father keeps children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from internalizing their own intentions and then learning to act on them. Procrastination can even be a form of rebellion, one of the few forms available under such circumstances. What's more, under those household conditions, procrastinators turn more to friends than to parents for support, and their friends may reinforce procrastination because they tend to be tolerant of their excuses.

5. Procrastination predicts higher levels of consumption of alcohol among those people who drink. Procrastinators drink more than they intend to—a manifestation of generalized problems in self-regulation. That is over and above the effect of avoidant coping styles that underlie procrastination and lead to disengagement via substance abuse.

6. Procrastinators tell lies to themselves. Such as, "I'll feel more like doing this tomorrow." Or "I work best under pressure." But in fact they do not get the urge the next day or work best under pressure. In addition, they protect their sense of self by saying "this isn't important." Another big lie procrastinators indulge is that time pressure makes them more creative. Unfortunately they do not turn out to be more creative; they only feel that way. They squander their resources.

7. Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don't take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail is almost perfect for this purpose. They distract themselves as a way of regulating their emotions such as fear of failure.

8. There's more than one flavor of procrastination. People procrastinate for different reasons. Dr. Ferrari identifies three basic types of procrastinators:
* arousal types, or thrill-seekers, who wait to the last minute for the euphoric rush.
* avoiders, who may be avoiding fear of failure or even fear of success, but in either case are very concerned with what others think of them; they would rather have others think they lack effort than ability.
* decisional procrastinators, who cannot make a decision. Not making a decision absolves procrastinators of responsibility for the outcome of events.

9. There are big costs to procrastination. Health is one. Just over the course of a single academic term, procrastinating college students had such evidence of compromised immune systems as more colds and flu, more gastrointestinal problems. And they had insomnia. In addition, procrastination has a high cost to others as well as oneself; it shifts the burden of responsibilities onto others, who become resentful. Procrastination destroys teamwork in the workplace and private relationships.

10. Procrastinators can change their behavior—but doing so consumes a lot of psychic energy. And it doesn't necessarily mean one feels transformed internally. It can be done with highly structured cognitive behavioral therapy.

looking through all my pictures from college definitely makes me a combination of sad and nostalgic. i miss hanging out with the runners my sophomore year. that house was so fucking fun. i miss zach and all of them, i miss smoking hookah in laurent's room, i miss the disgusting 4114, i miss the boys from my year, i miss it all.

i want a month of backpacking or traveling through exotic european countries. instead i have to freak out because i may end up getting cut off from any money and how the fuck am i supposed to live off of what i make at circuit city?

i just want to live the dream it seems like everyone else gets to live.

i'll never forget almost missing the march for commencement because i had to drive into the city early as fuck on monday morning because i had to sleep at the apt instead of at my house at school. nor will i forget changing into my cap and gown in the fresh grocer bathroom. man was that unreal and horrible.

importing photos into iphoto basically plays all the photos really fast when there are a ton of them, so i am watching a slideshow of the past few years of my life and oh so briefly reliving all of them. it's actually pretty fun. by the time i think "oh i remember being with so and so" it's on to a completely different part of my life.