I listened to some of Chris's music I put on my ipod while I was in Newport, and I really wanted to post the lyrics from a Straylight Run song, called Sympathy For The Martyr:

"A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting
And never getting help doesn't make you brave
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face"

I just like that part a lot.

I'm considering not doing a 2005 year in review, or at least maybe leaving out the negative things. I'm just not feeling very retrospective right now. I don't really care to relive my life, good and/or bad, from the past year starting way back in January.

This is the first time a new year has seemed to sneak up on me without my caring. For some reason, the fact that it will be 2006 instead of 2005 seems very anticlimactic. I guess I've just realized that a new calendar year is not what marks a drastic change in one's life. There was a big change in my life last February, another one last June, and yet another this past October, and there have been many other medium-sized changes in between. Going from 2005 to 2006 doesn't necessarily mean anything new or different. It might or it might not, and right now tomorrow just feels like a fluid continuation of my life, not a dramatic leap to a new and different world. I know this sounds very pessimistic, but I don't mean it to be.

Last year I decided I wasn't making any New Years resolutions. I will not make any this year either, not because I have no resolve and not because there is nothing about my life I wish to change. It's because I don't need to use this particular day as the be all and end all, the day I decide to revamp my life. When I want to make a change I will make it, and making a list of ten or twenty resolutions will only make me upset if I do not fulfill them all. So this year, like last year, my only resolution is that I am making no New Years resolutions.

To end this post on a positive note, since I really am in a fine mood and things are good at this moment, I will briefly review one thing from this past year: fall semester. At the beginning of the semester I really felt like I was meant to be abroad, somewhere in Spain becoming fluent or close to it in the language I have chosen as my major. People constantly asked me, and still do, why I didn't go abroad, and of course I didn't feel like getting into the details of "well my mom was not well and needed me to stay, and also she lost her job and probably couldn't afford it anyway" so I pretty much just stuck with the vague responses of "I just couldn't" or "it didn't work out" or "it's kind of complicated." All I wanted was to be away from the school I used to love but was getting sick of. I was sick of the same old routine I had gotten myself into, and I wanted to escape bad memories from the previous semester. When I didn't get a solo with OTB I felt even more like being there was a mistake, that something was wrong with the universe and it just fueled my belief that I was meant to be somewhere else.

But of course, my family's saying "you never know how things will turn out" kicked in mid October and I ended up realizing why I wasn't abroad. Things went from being the same old same old to being new and exciting and fun again, and I was, and am, happy. So no matter what happens from here on out, I no longer feel like I was meant to be somewhere else this semester. I was meant to be where I was, not just for what happened at school but also for my mom. So the moral of this story is...

You never know how things will turn out (which applies to my night tonight...), and Happy New Year.

A couple clarifications:

In my last post by "last night" I meant the 29th. Not really that impt.

Also, I'm going to Delaware for New Years. Chris said he wasn't even that excited about going cause he doesn't know that many people and I'm tempted to say "well if you're not even excited, we can go to one of the two parties I was invited to here." But I won't. But hey, Chris will probably read this anyway.

Well, I may be unathletic but at least I'm fit. According to Chris, anyway.

Dinner and a movie tonight was nice.

It's funny cause no one really told me anything about tomorrow night until tonight when I got a text about something at Penn and IMs about something at Adrian's. Oh well.

The ride home from Newport was really awful. Don't feel like writing much about it other than to say that it took 8 hours and it was rainy and foggy and slow about 90% of the time. Also my mom lectured me about 70% of the time or just generally expressed her upset. I drove about half of the time, which is pretty ridiculous for me considering my (quickly decreasing) fear of driving on highways and the bad weather. But I was fine and managed to stay pretty relaxed while I was driving.

Last night I went to Penn & hung out w/ Chris and his friends. It was a good time.

Pretty much I need to go to bed now. Today was a good day, I got no complaints. :)

The Rarb review of our CD is in.

Quick post from the libs in Newport. I've been having the best time so far (knock on wood!!). Been shopping every day and made cookies and had lamb and other amazing foods Christmas night aka the first night of Chanukkah. Time here has gone by pretty quickly since I've been running from place to place getting awesome things. Including AN IPOD VIDEO!!!!!!! Black of course. That's it...off to shop some more. :-D

Blogging out of boredom/lonliness.

I'm switching between being bummed and being fine. I was in a really bad mood ealier, which I can explain with a short anecdote. My mom told me that every time she drops me off at school after a break or after summer she cries for about ten minutes afterwards and then gets over it. It's sort of like that. I was just really sad to leave, which is what happens every time there's a break because I'd always rather be at school than at home. Granted, Thanksgiving break was a whole lot of fun. This break is different, though, because the day after I get home (Wed) my mom and I are going away. It will just be us, sans internet or any real TV. Of course we will go shopping and probably to the Rocky Beach, but her stamina is not what it used to be which means she will need to rest a lot more than she has in the past.

I'm trying to convince myself that it will be fine. Maybe even good for me and maybe even a little fun. Shopping is always fun and I do need some new jeans. I also need a hair cut and as dumb as it sounds I've only gotten my hair cut in Newport in the past year or so, maybe more. I just keep trying to tell myself that time apart from things I've gotten used to at school will be good, that this can't hurt me or my relationship, only make it and me stronger. And I keep trying to tell myself that it's such a short amount of time. I realize I sound dumb for being bummed about 5 days. It just sucks to have to go from only being with my peers, and mainly Chris, to being just with my mom in complete isolation. I don't even get to see any of my friends first. Time will probably go faster if I stop thinking about it and stop complaining about it, but knowing that people are out partying and having fun and I am sitting here being bored and lonely just sucks. Perhaps while I'm away I can get back on a normal sleeping, rediscover what it means to eat healthy, and maybe consider doing crunches or some sort of exercise

In fact I am pretty bored of this topic right now. I've thought about it enough, I'll get over it and hopefully in 6 days or whenever I next read this post from home I will say "wow, those days went by so fast, what was I even complaining about?" Hopefully.

In other news...people in OTB need to stop hooking up. It's getting kind of ridiculous at this point.

To change the subject again, I think it's crazy that big bands have myspace accounts. I don't know why, I just think it's weird. Who updates them and checks them? Oh well.

I am really in the worst mood right now. I don't want to go to Newport. Ugh.

Mom. PLEASE STOP READING MY BLOG. Come on.

Furthermore, this is not a question, so why is there a question mark?:

"Now we know, in large measure, our fate is in our genes.” (1) Assume that Watson is right, detail the theoretical and practical ramifications for the field of criminology of his deterministic account?"

The article I just read about juvenile death penalty was fairly convincing. One point that it made that was bad, though, was that the majority of other countries have outlawed it. Since when do we do something because other people are doing it? That's not a good reason. In theory I think juvenile death penalty is not a great thing. The main reason I'm not 100% against it, so at least you (whoever you are) know where I am coming from, is that when I hear of a 16 or 17 year old who goes out and brutally murders people and then says they meant to do it and take full credit for it...I just can't see how they should not be held responsible for their actions.

Goooooooooooooooo.

Gotta love deep conversations about life when you know you need to be doing something else.

I hate that we all have to go through a period of freaking out about our lives before we figure our shit out. I hate that there has to be a book called Twenty Something, Twenty Everything, which is about our early twenties and what the author calls our "quarter life crisis." I hate that. I'm scared of this transition period between not knowing and knowing, because how do I get from one to the other? I am sick of explaining to people that I am a Spanish major and not going abroad, sick of having them ask me why and just saying "it's complicated", sick of not knowing what lies ahead. I am a music minor and I'd love to do anything music. And I hate that the idea that I wouldn't make any money is what holds me back from that. That, and a fear of music theory IV. I don't want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. So why should I be considering teaching as a job for my transition period? Why should I consider teaching, a job I never dreamed of when I was little, as a money-earner to tide me over until I find my real calling, which will ideally be something I am passionate about but that will also allow me to continue living the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed?

I hate that I'm not educated. Here I am, going to an ivy league school, and I know that I should know more about everything. The worst is that I've chosen to remain uneducated about certain things, and when I have the spare time to catch up on it all I want to do is anything but learn. I want to live. Too bad you can't learn everything you know by just living, or I'd be doing great right now.

I'm not sure if it's just because I was raised properly or what, but when I was 16 and 17 I knew that if I killed someone there would be consequences. I knew that killing someone was wrong. With that said, I question the argument that 16 and 17-year-olds are not old enough to understand that killing someone is wrong. I'm not saying I'm convinced that all kids at that age do understand it. Maybe those who were raised poorly don't know, or they just haven't developed the right judgment that their parents failed to teach them. Or something. I don't know. I'm just not sure that that's such a good argument for getting those kids out of the death penalty. And if it is then the age range should be extended into the early 20s, since science apparently shows that our brains don't finish developing until then.

I think that 18 is an arbitrary age to pick to make someone an "adult," especially considering that they can't legally drink at that age. So you can be executed, go to war, buy cigarettes, and be in/purchase porn, but you can't drink. Then when you turn 21, you still can't rent a car. This makes no sense. Is it cause they don't want you, on your 21st birthday, to go get drunk and rent a car? I know this makes no sense.

You make no sense. Shut up.

The mouse for my computer feels so small...

I feel like such a bump on a log right now. I am not doing anything, and there is nothing I should be doing. It's funny because I feel more wasteful now than I do when I spend time procrastinating work. I am doing exactly the same things as I would when I put off work - playing text twist and solitaire while talking on AIM. But it's less fun now that it's just out of boredom and not procrastination. That is so weird. I will probably write many more blog posts out of sheer boredom.

So. I am pretty tired now. I sort of feel like a zombie.

I am at Chris's right now. I would go home but there's not that much there for me to do. I want some milk pretty badly, and maybe something healthier than the honey nut cheerios I am eating right now. Not that they're unhealthy, just not very satisfying. Maybe I could go for a yogurt. I was gonna go home earlier when he had an hour long bass lesson but when I stepped outside everything was covered in a sheet of ice and it was still raining/sleeting/whatever the hell it was doing so I came right back inside. Now he's at BP and won't be back til midnight. Once I leave I can't come back til he's done, and I can't think of anything I could do at my house for two hours that I couldn't do here, except maybe eat some more food. Basically I am too tired to do any sort of partying and I don't want to walk anywhere on the ice rink that is the outdoors.

Mmmmmmmmmmk bye.

Dear Mom,

CAUGHT YOU!!!!!!!!

Love,
Deb

---

I can't believe I didn't figure it out until now, but the past few anonymous posts have been MY MOM!!!!!!!!

MOMMMMMM come onnnnnnnnnn don't read my blog!!!

It's funny how I have to censor what I write here more and more every time I find out someone new is reading this. No offense Mom, but now I can't complain about you in here cause I know you'll read it!!!

Such are the woes of a public blog. What can I even write about now??

Didn't do much today. Wrote a spanish paper that was kind of shitty about Cien años de soledad. It was shitty because I never read the book and all I did was summarize what the teacher told us in class, although that's what he asked us to do. I left my thesis paragraph and my conclusion for the end, but when I got to them I really had nothing valuable to say so I BSed them. Then I went back to my house to try to print it in black, the ink wasn't working and I had to print it in color (Chris's printer doesn't print black and I had typed it at his place). I was gonna ride my bike to hand it in, but my bike is broken so that's cool. Whateverrr.

I really don't have much else interesting to say. I am tired and may go take a nap now.

Hey jackets, this post is just for you!!!!!!!

Dear I****,
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOou suck!!!!
Love (/hate),
Deb

A ts ts ts ts ts.

I love inside jokes and I love knowing people. You knowwwww me. This will make no sense to anyone else. And I love that.

And I guess fights are just working out kinks.

Schmoo mouth. Chocolate mouth. Alligator belly. Rrrrrrr.

Well at least I'll get to see Chris at all over break. No wait, no. I won't. :( Anddddd no new year's kiss. Double :(

---

Also, I don't know how much I want to do a 2005 year in review now that I think of it. It might be too painful to relive some of it.

I didn't really realize that this year is almost over until I read Frankie's last post. New years always get me thinking. Last year I didn't do a 2004 year in review. I have to do one for 2005, because what an interesting year this has been. The funniest part of all is that for me things seem to be sort of cyclical. What I mean by that is that this year I have done what feels like a 360. People normally say they've done a 180, but I've gone all the way around to end up in what feels like the same place, even though things are very different. I can't really explain it right now without going into much more detail than I care to. Basically the place I'm at right now feels the same, but so much better at the same time. And also scarier. The way I know it hasn't really been a 360 is because of who I am now. Who I am now is a completely different, and much wiser, person than I was at the beginning of 2005. I can't believe that at age twenty I am still marveling at how much I learn each year. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

---

On another note...

So many people are so talented. I just saw something pretty sick that a kid from my high school did. Is there room in the world for everyone who wants to be an artist or a musician or an actor?

Gooooooo we had a gig in NJ and instead of getting back at midnight got back at like...1:30 because we got lost so many times. Grrrrr. I'm pretty much in a bad mood now, and wasn't in a particularly good mood at any point during the gig, save for when we sang Hide and Seek, which sounded nice. I think it's just because I didn't eat well today and my sleep is messed up, and of course b/c it's OTB this semester.

But I digress.

I have a final on Monday and I have to study for that (aka do all the reading we've had after the midterm). Sooooooooo that should be fun.

Also, things are funny.

Well at least having rehearsal tonight made me feel shitty all over again about this semester of OTB. Awesome.

Other than that I have a final tomorrow which I'm not prepared for but still not too worried about (which is cause for worry in itself).

We're singing on the radio friday morning. I'm not excited to get up before dawn and stand outside in the unbearable cold.

Grr.

I miss you when we don't talk. But when we do talk I remember why we don't talk more now. It's because almost every time we talk you have to argue with me about something. I tell you something and you tell me I'm wrong or it doesn't make sense. No, it's not wrong. Sometimes I think you just like arguing with me for the sake of arguing. I always react more strongly than I should because I remember all the other times you've done the same thing and I tire of it so quickly. Maybe I should be more patient, but maybe you should also stop telling me that my opinions, feelings, reactions to situations, or personal experiences are wrong or don't make sense. I don't understand you. You are so noble in some ways, so independent and strong, but then you take stuff out on the wrong people. I wish I could help you or fix you but I can't.

Seriously if we don't turn the heat on in my house soon I am going to die of hypothermia. My space heater, even at full force, is not cutting it.

We are so hard on ourselves.

Why do we choose to focus on the negative so much more than the positive? This is not an absolute truth, and not everyone does it. I think girls do it more than guys. We spend countless hours focusing on our skin, our hair, our clothes, our makeup. And not just focusing on it, focusing on all the bad parts.

I saw my mom today and she told me my skin looked great. Was she kidding? Did she not see this zit and that zit and how pale I looked? I guess not. Maybe those two zits don't automatically cancel out how even the rest of my skin looks. But I'd never notice it, because I spend so much time looking at the blemishes that I can't see the rest.

I know I'm not the only one that does this. So many conversations with my girl friends turn into this:

-"I am SO fat"
-"No, seriously, you are NOT fat at all, you look great!!!"
-"No way, I have been eating sooo much, my rolls are hanging over my pants!"
-"No, MINE are!!!!!"

Etc.

Why do we do this? Why can't it just be

-"You look great!!"
-"Thanks! So do you!"

Stacey told me Michelle says it's because we know what we are capable of. But it's something more than that. It's not that I know I'm capable of having clear skin or being skinnier and that's why I'm so hard on myself. I don't know what it is, to be honest. I do know that I will not say my life is perfect again, because last time I said that it lasted about a month before it fell apart completely. I'm ok with imperfection though. Just not on myself.

When I was writing my last spanish paper I was looking for a word in the spanish-english dictionary and came across this page:



Pretty sweet, no?

Things I can do without:

- Day 2 of a constant backache
- OTB gigs when I'd rather be doing other things
- OTB gigs when my back hurts
- Going out of my way to get food and being told the place is closed while people are in line getting their orders made
- Being cranky because I haven't eaten
- Having to figure out what I'm gonna eat when I'm cranky from not eating
- Grouching at my mom because I'm cranky
- Giant bugs in my room
- Being cold

Seriously my paper is awesome and I am not even done. I have never actually been excited to write a paper before, but this time I had so many examples that the paper is actually going to be too long because I wanted to use as many as I can.

Man.

I hate people. I am pretty annoyed now because there is music blasting and loud people...they could have at least asked me if I had a problem w/ lots of loud people running around. I dunno...If I were to have otb over I would ask people in the house, in case they had shit they had to do. I'm sure I'm overreacting but I can't fucking read spanish when there is noise in the background.

Here's the thing. I can never get any work done. I have some sort of mental block, especially when it comes to writing papers for this one spanish class of mine. Generally I haven't done the reading, and we have to come up with our own topics, which I generally pull out of my ass. Every once in a while I manage to start doing the reading or working on my paper, and every time I pull this off something interrupts me. First it was my mom calling me a second after I had started reading. Great. Every time I get interrupted it takes me forever to get my focus back. I was about to start reading again when I heard all these people come in my house. My guess is it's a Strictly Funk meeting cause two of the girls in my house are in the group. But they were all being really loud and I got annoyed...whyyyyyyyy. Why are there so many things preventing me from getting work done? Why am I so easily distracted? Why are people so annoying to me? I can't wait til I live with friends. I think it will be a lot different.

On a positive note my lease here doesn't end until June 30th which is REALLY nice, because I'll have that whole extra month of time to deal with my stuff/not move out. I pretty much want to live on campus this summer. I don't know if I will be able to pull this off, but last summer I vowed I'd never live at home alone with my mom because, as much as I love her, she drove me nuts. I guess I have a while before I really have to worry about that.

But I'd rather worry about that right now than do this paper. I wish I could get rid of this mental block that makes me wait until the LAST minute to do anything. Last time I was up until 8 a.m. writing my paper. It gets worse every time... The first time I finished around oh, say 1 a.m. Next it was 4, then 6, then 8. I refuse to be up until 10 a.m. doing this one.

And listening to Townhall is really not helping. But I turned it on to drown out the noise of people in the kitchen.

I feel like I haven't written a decent blog post in a while. Having trolls is sort of intimidating.

Things that are not awesome:

My computer is dying. It's been a while since I've been unable to open the "add/remove programs" icon. Something (probably a virus) is blocking it. Also, Norton doesn't start up when my computer is turned on, even though it's supposed to. Last week I stopped being able to get to webmail and gmail even though I was online and other websites worked fine. Then Zoombrowser, the program for my digital camera wouldn't open when I clicked on it. Today I tried to open iTunes and that wouldn't open either. This is terrible. I really don't know enough about computers to try to fix it aside from blindly trying to end tasks which is stupid, and I scanned my computer for viruses and it didn't find any (aside from the 37 that are on quarantine right now...UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH).

This blows. I'm blogging from Chris's where I'm gonna have to type my paper since I have no internet in my house either. I'm gonna try to call Verizon about DSL tomorrow. Goo to technology when it gets fucked up.

A short recap of break before I take an hour long nap:

Wed night: got home, went to Rachel's & hung out w/ her and Meghan.
Thurs: T-giving lunch at MM & GD's, then home for leftovers dinner (still good) and watching Crash w/ my mom, and installing DSL.
Fri: Massage & manicure, hung out w/ Chris's friends @ night.
Sat: Aunt A & Uncle M came, then Adrian's. Lots of fun. Three small dogs won't bark at you if you walk by them slowly enough and don't look them in the eyes, and wrapping paper in a giant bucket or trash can will block ppl from coming in rooms.

K, nap time.

The problem with making lists of what I'm thankful for is that I enevitably leave out things I wanted to say and remember them later, so this list may grow as I think of more things.

Without further delay, here is a brief list of things for which I am thankful.

The sun
The ocean
Water
My family
My mom
My grandparents
Old friends
The comfort that comes from old friends
New friends
New relationships
New experiences
Being comfortable
Music
Instruments
Singing
Saying the same thing at the same time as someone else
Turkey
Stuffing
Honey mustard
Pajamas
Shoes
How fortunate I've been so far in life
Learning from the past so that it can't be called a mistake
Forgiveness
Keeping in touch
Recapping when you haven't kept in touch
Warmth
Kettle corn
Freedom
Knowing people care about me
Caring about people
Piles of leaves
Snowmen
Sand castles
Budding flowers
Stars
Once in a lifetime experiences
Health
Recovering
Experiences that have shaped who I am today
Pleasant surprises
Vagueness
Specificity
Syruptitiousness
Big words
Simplicity
Laughter
Crying from laughter
Crying from joy
Being happy without worrying how long it will last
Finding beauty in the breakdown
Love
Newport, Rhode Island
The feeling of accomplishment when I do something well
Expressing myself through words, faces, sounds, pictures, music, and anything else
Being completely goofy and not worrying who's watching
Dancing
Inside jokes
Being included
Not being exclusive
Being artsy/emo
Sailing
Coincidences
"Coincidences"
Naps
Three generations of women having an intelligent discussion during lunch
Imagination
Rain
Hugs
Kisses
Endless hot water
Baths
Playing with people's hair
People playing with my hair
Clouds
Contrails
Beautiful sunsets
Beautiful sunrises
Pictures
Colors
Learning
Teaching
Good advice
Helping people see things from different angles
Solving problems
How much I have to be thankful for

Soooooooooooo.

Home for Thanksgiving. As usual I was not looking forward to it because it's always weird coming from being only with my peers to being alone in a house with my mom. But I got home and half an hour later drove to Rachel's to hang out w/ her and Meghan. It was good to see them....I don't think the three of us have hung out together in...I don't even know. Many months. So that was fun.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving lunch at my grandparents'. Yes, lunch. Not dinner. Dinner will be leftovers. But seing as how they'll be my grandmothers, I will still be plenty thankful.

Yesterday was a lottttt of fun. It included going to class (ok, not the fun part...I was falling asleep the entire time) but being let out early from one and leaving the other an hour early, napping but not really, meeting Chris's parents at Pod..and then again at White Dog...then some sake fun at Chris's place. It was a good day, even when some ppl got belig. Haha.

Today was rough cause I had to rewrite a paper I handed in a week late for one of my spanish classes. I didn't start it til around 3 or 3:30 and it was due by 5. Then my computer was completely fucked up and my internet sucks and I can't get to my webmail or to gmail even though I can get to everything else, and the browser that I use to view my pictures and to upload pics from my camera is fucked up. Sooo that's cool. I ended up finishing the paper around 5:45 and emailing it then. I also checked my course schedule for next semester....and I didn't get either of the spanish classes I wanted. I don't know what kind of crap this is, but it needs to change.

P.S. why is facebook sooo entertaining?

Getting your hopes up kinda sucks.

On another note, Georgetown was a LOT of fun. We sang hide and seek at the first party we went to..and seriously..it was awesome. I know this sounds so dumb but I loved the idea because of how awkward it was going to be, but it was fucking incredible. I was so happy. We slept at Rina's sister's place, which was fun also (not the sleeping, the hanging out there). Yup.

Time for a nap.

Dinner with Chris last night at Marigold. I had an awesome time. Cyooote. :-D

My horroscope in the DP is as follows:

Accept an offer of tea and sympathy. These starts are best used for work and accomplishment but a pleasant lunch with a friend or a few hours of amorous playfulness with a lover are possible

Haha.

---

One thing I love doing is going back over old blog posts and seeing how things have changed and developed. I love the hindsight I have when I do it. This is a little shout out to my future self. I hope you have learned a lot. I'm sure you will smile when you read this, and although I have no idea what the future holds, I will know how things have turned out between now and then, and that's about as much reassurance as I can have.

This was quite the busy weekend, but very fun. I went so many places and did, like, sooo many things. Haha. Saw Chris's band play last night and had a ton of fun.

1, 2, 3..... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Soooooo last semester I got a really bad grade in one of my 5 (read: too many) classes. It was by far the worst grade I've ever gotten, and because of all my circumstances last semester I petitioned to late withdraw from the class, which I assume means it will simply be taken off my transcript. I called the college office today and the woman who answered told me it was accepted!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I am so happy!!!!!! :-D This is awesome.

sooo the internet at my house isn't working yet again. cool. got an A- on a midterm today so i'm pretty happy about that. that's all.

when do i get a chance to breathe? i can't take this.

I like having my own style. I sort of pride myself on it, but not in the haughty or obnoxious way, where I think I'm cooler than anyone because I don't dress exactly like them. The thing is that I don't base my style on anything else... I won't buy something just because it's trendy, and I won't NOT buy something just because it's trendy. If I like something and it's trendy it's probably that I got so bombarded by it that I started to like it, or it's just cool anyway. There are certain trends that I absolutely refuse just because they are hideous, like those stupid mesh-toed slipper glittery ugly ass shoes, and the shorts/pants/capris that go down to right above your knee, because they look good on NO ONE.

I really have no idea where I was going with that because I am so tired I don't really know what I just wrote. Good.

One of the OTB alumni (Jess) told me she thinks my song is good enough to go on BOCA. What a compliment, esp. coming from her, because she has the most amazing voice.

Last night was a lot of fun...the OTB party was fun, Tom came and it was SOOOOOOOOO great to see him.. I really miss him. M&W party after the OTB party was also a very good time.

Now I'm home for the night to help my mom out & drive her to the doc tomorrow. I still have this paper that was due last Tuesday to write and I can't seem to force myself to do it. I am so exhausted I am considering just going to bed at 9.

Things that make me feel a lot better:

"I know Off the Beat are just regular college students, like i was a year a go, but i cannot help but think of them as untouchable rock stars. I mean, they sorta are. I met Stacey once, though, and she was pretty nice.

Anyhow, the point of this post is that my new favorite-ish member is Deb, because she did a truly transcendant "Let Go" in the fall that is STILL IN MY HEAD, and this weekend she made an Avril song sound like credibly catchy rock and rock (a job Avril never really does for me). And, so, the point is that i was casually reading the OTB program, and it told me that she has a "web blog," and, of course, now i have to find it, because if she's a great singer she must be an interesting blogger. Yes? Except, my google-fu is exceptionally low tonight. I could just, you know, send her email (or poke her on the dreaded Facebook) and tell her i think she's a great singer and would she mind if i read her blog (see, look, i have one two). But, where's the fun in that?" (taken from this livejournal post)

And this post on the guestbook:

"Great job tonight! You guys were amazing! BTW Deb, Let Go on Float is incredible!"

:)

My roommate called me from upstairs to tell me not to put the heat on. Way to come down to my room and tell me to my face. It's freezing in my house, so what am I supposed to do, get hypothermia? "Buy a space heater and wear lots of clothes." It's hard to wear lots of clothes when you just get out of the shower and you're wet and it's cold. Ugh. Plus, it's more than just an inconvenience. I can't stand being cold, it's the worst thing ever and makes me sick immediately.

As the show approaches I get exponentially less excited for it and exponentially more upset. I am trying to help it but it's hard. When I smile on stage I will be faking it half the time, the other half I will be laughing at things in the song that are funny or my mess ups or something. Yeah.

The past two November firsts have been the same and yet so different. It's pretty remarkable.

Maybe November is my time of transition?

I can't really say that my day got better after rehearsal. People need to have some perspective. I'm sure I do at times too, but...ugh.

And then I had a stupid email to which I could answer every sentence with "are you kidding me?" Idiot. Are you kidding?

Who would win in a fight between Don Juan and Don Quijote, but they're both on the same team........

I went from being completely unstressed to being more stressed than I can handle. I didn't write the paper that was due today, I have one due tomorrow but I have to sit on the walk from 3 - 4, then I have a midterm on Thursday. Goo.

Plus I tried to make toast and smoke immediately started coming out of the toaster so I thought it best to use the microwave instead, which sucks as far as making toast goes.

Little kids are annoying me a lot less than they used to. Of course the crying is annoying, but who can say that a kid dressed up in a bumblebee or unicorn costume for halloween isn't adorable? Especially when the kid in the unicorn costume is chasing a peacock while wielding a small branch.

When I was downtown a few days ago I was walking around in a store and a small child was running around and almost ran right into my bag, which would have really hurt. I said "ooh...watch out!!" and the kid said "sorry" in the cutest voice.

This is not to say that I'm itching to have kids (like Rina) because I still can't stand the idea of being pregnant or giving birth....ever....but I might have to have kids just so I can raise them how I think people should raise their kids, and cause they can be pretty damn cute.

When we sang at the zoo on Saturday and I saw all these wide-eyed kids in their halloween outfits, I wondered what their parents thought. I wonder what parents think their kids will do when they grow up. It must be hard to imagine that your precious four-year-old could grow up and get drunk or have sex, or ever tell you to fuck off. They don't even understand any of that when they are little. And how can you protect a child from everything bad and scary that's out there? You can never fully teach them all they need to know or prepare them for what they will encounter. Man, being a parent must be fucking hard.

And on a side note, my black eye from Friday is looking a little better, esp. with makeup on it.

When I read Frankie's blog posts I am inspired. She makes me want to sit down and write something as beautiful as her last post (on fall and spring). I plop myself in front of the computer and imagine that I have such a mastery of the english language as to be able to inspire people. I feel like more of my posts are about this than are actually inspirational in any way. I mean, writing about my cold is not inspirational, nor is my comparison between assholes, pussies and nice guys (although I amused myself greatly with it).

When I was in high school I spent a fair amount of time thinking about things. I enjoyed being alone so I could have some "me" time to reflect. Once I got to college that desire left me, and I wanted to be with people as many hours of the day as possible. Now I'm somewhere in between the two extremes, and I can accept my alone time and enjoy it as time to do whatever I want for myself, but I still thrive on being with people.

In the past few months my mom has been subscribing more heavily to ideas of "if it should happen it will happen" and "go with the flow," among other potentially mumbo jumbo ideas. But I can tell you from experience that, as Stacey says (and other people may have been known to say the same before her), you never know how things will turn out. At the beginning of the year I truly felt that I was meant to be abroad and that by some awful strokes of bad luck and bad timing and bad judgment I was here, stuck in the same old place with the same old people.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. One thing I can say with a certainty, though, is that if you have to fight tooth and nail, or however the saying goes, for something without respite, it's quite possible that that thing is not worth it. If something just falls into your lap or seems so easy, go with it. Don't fight it.

If I had been abroad I would have just been running away from things here that I needed to deal with. If I had been abroad I wouldn't have gotten to say months worth of shit to someone who needed to hear it, not for their sake but for mine.

Things can't be undone but some of the effects can be reversed, and I know that I have learned enough from my mistakes to prevent history from repeating itself.

I wish my mom would stop worrying so much about me. I wish she would stop calling me and pleading to me to take care of myself. I am taking care of myself. She thinks things are her fault because she wasn't available to watch over me like a hawk this time last year, so now she must impart on me all the wisdom she has gained or thinks she never told me before (but she has...a thousand times).

None of that was wise or particularly inspiring, and half of it was way more cryptic than I'd like to have to be, but so be it.

---

My six hours of sleep were not really enough. Boo.

Furthermore, you gotta love people on facebook who friend you after meeting you one time. I didn't even know your name when I met you, how did you find me and friend me??

Being able to breathe out of my nose right now would be sweet. I have a small cold, the obvious result of my crazy weekend, but I've decided it will be gone by Wednesday.

I really don't have much else to report, other than that I'm bored and can't seem to force myself to do the spanish reading I have to do.

Sitting on the walk to sell tickets for our show starts on Wednesday and I think I'm going six out of the eight days. Blech. One day I'm going at 10. That means I have to get up some time in the hour of 9 a.m. I don't even understand 9 a.m. as a time (except during the summer when I worked...then I had to). As my spanish teacher put it, 9 a.m. is "a mistake on the clock."

Um...yeeeeeeah.

In short, this weekend has been the most eventful weekend ever. All in all I got nine hours of sleep in two days. And that's the least crazy part of it all.

I've been having really intense, weird dreams lately. They are so vivid that I can still remember them (and am upset by them) when I wake up. This has happened three times in the past week.

On a different note, I have learned recently that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. Relying on other people to get something done will not work because they will either do it wrong (or not to your liking) or they won't do it at all.

I got a solo to sing w/ Mask and Wig band at their kickoff bash!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!! Stacey and Rina got one too. I'm singing Just A Girl by No Doubt, Stacey's doing September by Earth Wind and Fire, and Rina's doing Walking On The Moon by the Police. WOOOO HOOOOOO!!!! I am especially happy about this since I didn't get a solo w/ OTB this semester, something which has really been getting me down a lot, but this lifted my spirits.

In terms of OTB...I don't want to write about it much in here, but lately I've been thinking about what I'll say when we sit in the circle the night before the show. I think I might just say something like "well, this group has definitely changed my life" and leave it at that. I don't want to be honest w/ them and tell them that this is the hardest semester of OTB for me, because every time I listen to the songs I get upset that they didn't think I was good enough to do ANY of the girl songs we have...esp. over freshmen (no offense to them, they are very good obviously, but this kind of thing doesn't really happen with girls). That's really all I'm gonna say about it here, but I'm not gonna lie...this show is gonna be hard for me.

One more thing before I go study for my midterm tomorrow...

I hate that I should have to put a disclaimer on stuff I write, that is so lame. This is my blog, I say what I want. With that said, the post below about guys needs to be clarified further. First, it was done half in jest, half in seriousness. Anyone who takes it completely seriously is a fool. Secondly, I did it because someone told me nice guys finish last and I disagreed, and just told them they needed to find the happy balance so that they were a nice guy and not a pussy. Third, what I wrote is MY OPINION. You are free to have a differing opinion. That's why they make chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. Last, if you want to tell me something, have the balls to leave your name and even an email address, or I'm deleting your anonymous comment. I never claimed to be perfect, no one is. I heard someone say last week "If you refuse to love imperfect people, you doom yourself to lonliness." No one is perfect, including me, and including you.

And now, in an attempt to procrastinate writing my spanish paper (even though I only have 1 - 2 more pages left...), here is an explanation of the difference between a nice guy and a pussy (and for kicks, an asshole, even though this probably isn't necessary). I am just giving some examples here, as there is no other real way to explain.

1. Preferences/Hobbies
Nice guy = won't make fun of/insult something a girl really likes
Asshole = makes fun of/insults something a girl really likes
Pussy = likes or says he likes whatever the girl likes, regardless of whether or not he actually does

2. Compliments
Nice guy = pays a girl a compliment and means it, compliments are sincere and don't have a ring of just being a line
Asshole = pays a girl a compliment to get what he wants from her (generally sex or some form of it), may seem to be a line he knows girls like to hear
Pussy = pays a girl so many compliments she wants to smack him (they are generally sincere compliments taken to the extreme)

3. Challenging each other
Nice guy = will challenge a girl if he has a differing opinion but will respect her opinion as well, will not get defensive if he is challenged
Asshole = challenges a girl if he has a differing opinion, which may be frequent since he thinks he is the shit and he is always right, doesn't respect any other opinions, insults those who challenge him, gets defensive if challenged
Pussy = so nonconfrontational he will bow down to anything the girl says, if challenged he will defer to the girl

4. Kissing
Nice guy = this one is tricky, as the nice guy may kiss like a pussy, an asshole, both, or somewhere in between, although it is generally moderate (aka decent)
Asshole = generally very aggressive, which may attract some girls, however watch out for those wet fish, they will trick you
Pussy = kisses like a wet fish most of the time, not enough passion

5. Manners
Nice guy = almost always, if not always, mannerly to the girl and to others, even if there is nothing he wants (sex) from the others to whom he is polite, manners include but not limited to holding open doors, pulling out chairs, etc., also offers to walk you home if it is late at night, or at least will be more than happy to walk you if you ask
Asshole = can really put on the charm for the girl including above-mentioned manners, but does not show the same respect to others, complains if you ask him to walk you home, perhaps even refuses to walk you home and instead gives you something with which to protect yourself
Pussy = might waste 10 hours holding a door open, the girl could probably throw her things on the ground and make him pick it up and he would not complain, walks you home and then won't leave until you are safely tucked into bed, then calls you when he gets back to make sure you're ok and to tell you he's ok

6. Crying
Nice guy = cries when things are moderately to seriously upsetting, such as a death (dogs count), divorce, etc.
Asshole = never cries, or cries when it will get him something from the girl
Pussy = cries at chick flicks, at football games when his team loses (if he is into sports at all), cries when his goldfish dies, cries when his room is a mess, when he loses a sock...

7. Looks
This is a difficult subject, as no one category contains either all good-looking or all bad-looking guys. A general guideline is that if a guy looks like he could (or does) model in magazines without his shirt on and you could wash your clothes on his abs, chances are he knows this and is either an asshole or an asshole in the making. Be wary. Pussy guys sometimes dress like they are, or actually are, emo.

8. Party behavior
Nice guy = if he comes with a girl he sticks with her most of the time, doesn't check out every other girl there, certainly doesn't dance with other girls, generally does not do keg stands, does not get into fights unless he is defending a girl, is not the person who takes off his shirt and/or pants to run around
Asshole = checks out every girl, may dance with multiple girls, may try to kiss multiple girls, is the first to do a keg stand, picks fights with innocent party goers, is generally the person against whom a girl needs defense, runs around without articles of clothing on
Pussy = sits in the corner and cries, or alternately stands in the corner, does not socialize much, or finds a guitar in the house to sit in the corner and play the new Dashboard song he learned or to play the new song he just wrote about his dead goldfish, probably drinks more mixed drinks than beer, might not know what a keg stand is or has never done one and never would (the latter may apply to some nice guys also)

That's it for now, I may regale you with another set of critera later on...

Please do keep in mind that some of the asshole and pussy descriptions may be a little extreme, but these are behaviors to look out for even in tiny amounts.

I don't like when people try to rain on my parade. If you want to rain, go somewhere else.

Keller was absolutely amazing. Best concert I've been to, pushing APC back to #2. I mean, this man is a genius...he had guitars and basses and all kinds of stuff set up and then he would record himself playing them and loop it and play an entire song that way...it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I'm not kidding. I would write more but...well I could go on for a really long time about how fucking incredible he is...

Frankie...I'm so glad we went!

I don't know how I do it, but I manage to attract guys that either
a) don't really like me,
b) are wimps,
c) are really weird, or
d) are a combination of the three.

- Beetle Bum gave her two cents on 10/13/2002 10:30:05 PM

Hahahahahaha.

A boy from my school killed himself Monday. I didn't know him, and yet I am really upset. He was a football player and a senior; my closest connection to him is a few boys from my high school who play football and a few others I met this year who are also on the team. And yet I am really upset.

Suicide is in a different class from other ways of dying. It means that that person really and truly felt that there was no other solution to their problems, that there was no hope and no way out. Of course this is not true, and the fact that they were unable to see this and that there was not enough time to try to make them see otherwise is what is so tragic.

I know how it feels to think like that...I know others do too. Having felt that way, I hate that someone else would ever have to feel that way too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I just can't imagine carrying out those thoughts. I can't imagine what I would do if someone I knew felt this way and followed through.

Sometimes when it's raining and I am sad I feel like God is crying for me. On rainy days when I am not sad, I think God is crying for someone else. Today God was crying for that boy.

So even though his family doesn't know me, and even though I never met him, my thoughts and prayers go out to his family, and I pray that he rests in peace.

One of the great things about having had this blog and other online journals for so many years is that I can periodically go back through the archives and relive my life one, two, three, and even four years ago. It's fun, infuriating, depressing and hilarious all at the same time. The way I spoke of things one year and had absolutely no idea how they would turn out, then seeing what I said the next year...it amuses me. And it's a great way to procrastinate.

And on a far less emo note, I miss all the things I've lost in the past few months, which include my aviators, my light blue terrycloth jacket, and my black bathing suit top that had flowers on it. How I lost these things I don't understand, but I am really upset about it.

On another note, I won over 200 fake dollars in online poker today. If I thought I wouldn't lose it in a second or become completely addicted, I'd play for real money.

On still another note, I can't believe it's almost fall break. I can't believe how far into the semester I already am - it's been more than a month.

Things are so different. I don't know if it's good or bad. I think I am gonna go clean the bathroom now, b/c it's absolutely disgusting. This is something you would never have heard me say last year. Never.

I hate that you are off living your own life, doing your own thing, and that I'm not involved in it. I hate that I don't get to see you, that I don't get to talk to you, and most of all, I can't stand thinking that you've forgotten about me, or that you will... I hate thinking we might not be friends, or aren't already. I hate that things had to change. I miss you and I hate that I don't know if the feeling's mutual.

I've decided I like being single for the following reasons:
~ Freedom
~ I don't owe anyone anything
~ No drama
~ Time to figure shit out for myself and be happy by myself

and, the biggest reason of all...

The guy I want to date next doesn't exist, or if he does I haven't met him. I've raised my standards and it's gonna take a pretty fucking awesome guy to meet them. And I don't plan on keeping blinders on anymore, so that is gonna make it easier for me to weed out the bad ones.

Taken from another journal of mine:

If I can be so bold, which I can, I am going to say that it is fairly clear that I will be the underdog in this one.

Note to self: next time this is the case, RUNNNN, don't walk, in the opposite direction.

I wouldn't like to have to title every post. I'm happy I got involved with blogger before the post-titling came around. Of course, I used to use another online journal website before blogger, and I happily titled my posts for two or three years on there, but I feel much more liberated without the titles.

Do you ever wonder if somewhere in the world, maybe on the very opposite side, on the underside of the equator, maybe in Australia or some little island, maybe in Russia or the Netherlands, someone is doing the very same thing as you at a given moment? Is someone blogging this same question in Japan? I sometimes wonder that.

Frankie, I am gonna bounce this post off of some of what you said...

The fact that we are all human makes us all inherently the same. This can be uplifting or depressing, depending on whether you look at it through the rose-colored glasses of optimists or the grey haze of pessimism. It's our experiences that make us each unique. Because even if someone is doing the same thing as me at this moment, I can pretty much guarantee that they won't be doing the same thing as me the next moment. What if our lives are a series of events mirrored in others' lives? What if my actions are the same as an infinite number of other people? I think I am not even making sense at this point, but it's such a strange, interesting thought. It reminds me of the scene from Garden State where Natalie Portman's character screams and moves around in a funky way to do something unique, something that no person has ever done. We don't need to do that, though. We are unique anyway, try as we may to cover it up sometimes. And original ideas are still to be had. That is the glory of infinity.

I was in the worst mood on the train back to school today. I was seething as got to the train station, and then I saw a blind man. I got on the train before him because he wasn't near the steps, watched him take his seat, and then felt so lame and shitty for being so mad. Here I was, mad about transient things that will (hopefully) pass and yield to other, better (yet still transient) things. And there was this blind man who I hadn't helped to get on the train and whom I couldn't help in any other way, and he wasn't in a bad mood even though he couldn't see. I was sitting there trying to read spanish thinking about how that man couldn't read spanish even if he wanted to. It just made me more upset because I was still mad about the previous stuff, but now I was mad at myself for being mad, and mad at the injustice of life for making some people be handicapped.

Because this has to be an away message later:

gigantorwong: ok so the new burger king burger is called "meatnormous"
gigantorwong: issnt that a little sick
ihope216: yes
ihope216: terrible
ihope216: it's not even clever
gigantorwong: its like a bad pickup line
gigantorwong: hey baby im meatnormous

This is what it is: I hate having to say "I told you so" to myself.

New year. I'm not waiting for the New Year of 2006. It's the New Year now, today, and things are gonna be different. They're gonna be way better than last year. Health, happiness, and love.

It's so weird every time someone tells me they've read my blog. I sort of just assume no one really reads it, and I just write whatever comes to mind/whatever rant I need to get out/etc. etc. So every time someone tells me they read it, I go back and look at what I wrote and think "wow, they read that stupid/lame thing I said?" Not that it's gonna make me change what I write about. It's just funny. I guess I should know from past experiences (not my own, thankfully) that there are many little trolls out there who read things anonymously, and sometimes we never even know it....

...And on that creepy note....to bed.

I just got an email saying my only class of the day is cancelled! This means I'll only be going to class on Wed and Thurs this week, and even though Thurs I have a midterm......this is awesome!! Now I just have to make sure I use my time wisely, instead of fucking around on the internet the whole time.

In other news...um...well I dunno. Nothing's really that exciting as of late. Ooh, except for the fact that I'm going to Keller on the 15th w/ Frankie!!! YEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! :-D

Zach,

You probably won't read this, but if you do...thanks for not saying hi to me at that party I saw you at Friday night.

Maybe some things are worth fighting for. But maybe you shouldn't have to fight for the things that are worth fighting for, it's just that they would be worth fighting for.

The path of least resistance is key. I think when I forget that is when I have a problem. So I need to just start going with the flow again, which I was starting to do at the end of the summer. It's so much easier, way less stressful. You just feel pretty serene about things when you do it that way.

OTB girls dinner was tonight, it was pretty fun.

A lot changes in a month. That is all.

Chris just put it so well:


"really i just feel like im waiting for something and not knowing what it is, but its making me impatient"

Yes. There has to be something ("there's gotta be more to life..."). There has to be something, because otherwise I will go nuts from the sameness of everything. Things have not been very new and interesting lately, except for last weekend, which was different from the norm.

But that's not the reason I'm blogging.

The real reason I'm blogging is because I just wanted to make a really sucky statement: I feel that I am meant to be abroad this semester. I am not really meant to be here right now. Everything has just not been that great, and I just can't help but think that it would be so much better if I were in Spain or South America. Everything is just the same all the time, and I'm bored with it. And just when I think something new and cool will happen...it doesn't. Nothing happens instead. I want to pick up and go. I want to be away from the same people all the same time doing the same things in the same way. Ugh, how boring. And if I'm not bored, then it's something sucky. I want something GOOD exciting to happen. You hear me? GOOD. FUN. HAPPY. Not more shitty stuff.

Come on, powers that be. Cut me some slack.

Sooooo I'm at girls solo auditions right now. I'm bored. I have a headache. Today was not great. I guess it was good in the sense that I am not a starving person in Africa or something. I've always got that going for me.

Boys solo auditions were today, girls are tomorrow. I am nervous. It's so up in the air, because last time I could totally tell who was gonna get what solo, and now I have no idea.

Nervii....

Sooo still no internet. Maybe I'll just stop saying that. It'll be blatantly clear when I get internet, for I will rejoice and write many posts. Yeah.

Last night we had our german class reunion, which was just me, Dick, Umber and Henry, which then turned into guys from Dick's frat watching me play nintendo, to us just all hanging out (the usual dudefest style..haha). It was a pretty good time.

What's pretty lame is that I cannot get into my school email account, even though I was just logged in a second ago. Fuck.

Anyone want to go to Keller Williams with me on October 15th?? It's during my fall break which means that prob every college person I know won't be here, but I really fucking want to go.

Today I got to see Ziyaad for the first time in months (and the last time until January)!!!!!!!! It was so great... he was hanging out in Du Bois and I went in and called him. He was at the opposite end of the hall from me, and we ran like they do in the movies only way funnier and gave each other big hugs. Then we went to dinner and talked and then sat outside and talked some more. Man, I miss him.

Just one more thing. I don't know what sleazy guys hope to achieve by whistling at girls. I got whistled at three times today, and all it did was piss me off. What do they think I'm gonna do? Turn around, say "wow, I'm so flattered you treated me like some object, maybe a dog, that will come when you whistle" and then I will make out with them or something? Ugh. And if I don't know you, don't ask me "how you doin'?" It only works for Joey from Friends,

Maybe if I was tall and blonde and skinny life would be easier. I mean, I know that's not true. I don't know what would make my life easier right now. I've feeling kind of down in the dumps the past few days. I just sort of want to go away. I want to find something or someone new and exciting, something that makes me feel some way I've never felt before, makes me laugh like I've never laughed before, makes me want to spin around and sing and dance and never stop smiling. The person who has consistently made me laugh more than anyone else is away and we hardly speak at all. It sucks so much.

Instead of anything new and exciting, it's just sort of the same old same old business as usual kind of thing - I always feel like I do the same things with the same people and have similar experiences every time. Variety is what brings me happiness, it's what lights that spark that...I dunno, that gives me passion for life. Right now I feel like I have no passion for anything that's going on. I just have a ton of work always hanging over my head, I'm already behind in my classes, and the future, as far as work goes, is looking pretty bleak. Bleak bleak bleak.

I need to go eat dinner.

Tonight we picked our new freshmen!! I'm soo excited for Saturday when we get to go pick them up!!!

Other than that I have a decent amount of work tonight, so that's it...

Soooo today I went to the gym. My knee wasn't hurting, and hadn't hurt me for about a week and a half, so I decided to run instead of do the eliptical. Bad idea. About 15 or 20 minutes into my run my knee started to hurt a little. I didn't want to puss out on my run, so I kept running and it kept hurting more. By the time I got off it was killing me. I limped my way down three flights of stairs (stupid, because I could have taken the elevator) and weighed myself. Sooo that was adding insult to (literal) injury, and I got pretty bummed. Instead of doing crunches and weights I just left (after trying to do the urg and hurting myself even more). Soo that was pretty much a bummer. My day was ok other than that. I watched two hours of tv tonight instead of working, cause I'm skipping my only class tomorrow. If it's nice out tomorrow I'll go to the pool at the Sheridan for a couple hours.

That's all.

Chris is soooo nice for letting me use his computer like every day for a couple days since I don't have internet STILLLLLL.

And now a post from the libs. One of my housemates said that hopefully the internet would be running in our house by this weekend. Great.

I sat outside for about 2 1/2 hours yesterday and today, so I'm getting slightly tan.

Other than that I have a shitload of spanish reading, but my brain feels really fried now and I don't think I can do it. Blech.

Quick post from Chris's computer. Still no internet at my house, and it's driving me crazy!!!!!

Tonight and tomorrow night are OTB auditions. They were a lot of fun tonight, I had a great time writing on ppl's sheets, and there were a couple pretty good kids who tried out.

FPAN was this past weekend, so that's cool. I sang Sweet Child of Mine (Guns and Roses) with Mask and Wig band last night which was so awesome.

More later, gotta go.

So I feel a lot better now than I did earlier. I think my panic attack was sparked by the sugar-filled hot chocolate/french vanilla/etc. mix of coffees from Wawa that I had at lunch time. The class I wanted to add is MW 3-4:30 and it's called Caribe Two Ways. I went to the class and the teacher said I could sit in on the class but that I had to talk to the spanish undergrad chair about getting in b/c it's beyond her control. I stayed for the class so I could see what it would entail, and it involved 1-2 page response papers every week (completely doable) AND a 10 page research paper due at the end of the semester. Ok, maybe that doesn't sound bad, but I think the longest paper I've had to write has been about 7 pages and didn't include a bibliography and all this other shit. Once teachers require bibliographies I get freaked out.

I left that class feeling so shitty and lost and confused, because the other people in the class (those who talked, at least) seemed really good at spanish and I get sooo nervous about speaking spanish in front of lots of ppl I don't know because I feel like I'm not that good, esp. my vocab, and that I am gonna sound like a huge idiot and they'll think I'm dumb.

I think maybe I should just build things for a living, cause I built my desk and my book case all by myself and had fun doing it.

After my class I went and talked to the spanish chair guy, who seemed pissed to be talking to me. The worst part is that I saw Luis, this guy who was on my hall frosh year. I told him he should take Caribe Two Ways, he went and talked to the guy (who seemed to love him) and added the class. When I went in, the guy seemed annoyed that I was there. Then he told me that a different class I was gonna take wasn't going to count towards the spanish major, and basically the other classes I wanted to switch around were based on me taking that class. So I got really flustered, but it's gonna end up being better, I think, because now I'm keeping my 5-6:30 MW class. This will be nice for a number of reasons, the most obvious being that this is my ONLY CLASS on MW. Also, the class seems pretty easy, because there are some ppl in it who can hardly speak spanish at all, so the class is gonna be half in english and half in spanish. I sort of wish it was all in spanish, because I think it's gonna be too easy. You can also opt to do the readings in english or in spanish, but I am gonna do them in spanish. I forgot to mention that the undergrad chair is teaching the class, and he seems really nice and like a pretty good teacher.

Tomorrow I am going to four classes, two of which I am signed up for and two of which I am not. I am not going to a third class I'm signed up for because I know I don't want to take it. Of the two I'm not enrolled in I just need to pick one and then beg to get into the class. I'm basically gonna shop around to see which seems better. One's at 10:30, which is pretty early, and it's a short film class, so that could be cool. The other doesn't sound as cool but it's at 1:30, which is a way better time. I am gonna go to both and just see, I guess. Hopefully I can get into the one I decide I like.

I am still nervous about speaking spanish, but the easy class seems like it will be good, because when I know there are people worse than me I feel less like an idiot and feel more confident in my speaking abilities. Plus, in the easy class there is a girl who was in my writing seminar frosh year, and a girl who went to HS near me and actually lives really close to my house, so I already have two semi-friends in the class, which is a must. I am trying to get Dave to take a class with me, and Jonah is in criminology with me, so I'm happy about that. It's great when you know someone in the class.

Sooo basically...I dunno. First day of classes was rough, but I feel somewhat better now. We had OTB tonight and that was fine.

I don't think I mentioned that I am singing w/ Mask and Wig band Saturday night after FPAN!!! They asked Stacey to sing the song she sang at Fling last year, but they didn't ask me (not gonna lie, I was kinda sad). But then this past Saturday I saw one of the guys from the band at a party and he said he'd sent me an email asking if I'd want to sing Sweet Child Of Mine (Guns N' Roses) with them because I "sounded awesome in my audition"!!!!!! Of course I said yes, and that was definitely the best part of my night! The thing is, I don't really know the song, so along with making sure I sound perfect on the FPAN song, I have to learn this song. But I'm not complaining, I am soooo excited!!!! :-D

And lastly, Ziyaad is coming back!!!!! I can't wait to see him, I haven't seen him since May and I miss him sooooo freaking much!!!

Sooo basically I am having a panic attack about classes. I just found out that one of the classes I'm trying to take doesn't count towards the major because it's not taught in spanish, and one of the classes I was trying to get into requires a 10 page research paper, which I really don't want to do.

And I still don't have internet. This really sucks.

Still no internet at my house. Come on. People better get on the ball and call tomorrow, classes start Wednesday and I don't have fucking internet, this is unacceptable. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Quick post from home. I have no internet at school and it really blows. No one seems to be doing anything about it either!!!!! It's pretty frustrating. My house is nice but far away from everything - it takes me 5 minutes to walk to Stacey's and like 10 minutes to walk to the pine house. Blah.

My grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary party was today, which is why I'm home. It was nice. I was not a happy camper when my alarm went off at 10 to wake me up today, though. But when it was over my cousins and aunt and I all went into the food room like a pack of vultures and grabbed everything we wanted to take home with us. I made out w/ a ton of bagels, rolls, cheese, fruit, various veggies, many desserts, and a decent sized tub of honey mustard that could last me a few months. :-D

A post from 6/19 that I never published:

The title of this post is "Happy Father's Day".

Happy Father's Day, to my father who has never been there for me once in my life. Happy Father's Day to you, I'm sure your other kids, those stupid, unfortunate brats, got you a card, even though God knows you don't deserve one.

Yes that sounded bitter, but I am thankful more than bitter. I am thankful you have not been in my life, because from what I've seen you do (read: not do), I am far better off not knowing you. I can say with almost certainty that you wouldn't even know me if we crossed paths, because I look a lot different than I did when I was twelve. Your irresponsibility in so many aspects of life and your complete selfishness are things I am so happy to have seen from far away as opposed to up close.

This is it. My last night home before I move back to school. WOOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I spent a few hours at my new house tonight - I took over most of my clothes and miscelaneous other crap. I also spent two hours building my nice new desk. It is pretty sweet and I had a good time building it, but my back kinda hurts now. Tomorrow my mom and I have to run around to various places, including walmart to see if I can get a cheap air conditioner from there (my room is hot as balls, pardon the expression). I am excited about all my dishes and stuff that I have. Plus I have my dresser I'm not using in my room sitting in the hall, and I just put all my kitchen shit in there. I am gonna try to eat healthier this year, along with many other things I am going to do differently from last year.

I am gonna go to bed now, I gotta be up in 8 hours and I need my beauty rest ;-)

Also, I don't have internet at my house yet. I hope we get it soon, no pun intended.

Also, the people at gmail are funny. There's a server error and this is the message I get:

Gmail is temporarily unavailable. Cross your fingers and try again in a few minutes. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

I ran 4 miles today and did push ups and tricep things and bicep things. My stomach is sore from crunches last night :)

I'm moving more stuff to Penn tonight. Hopefully it won't rain on me.

:-D

Sometimes fortune cookies lie.

I know they shouldn't be believed, but sometimes you just get one that seems so right. Someone I knew got one like that about a year ago. I guess it wasn't completely a lie, but it should have warned us about the aftermath. It was a deceptive fortune cookie, and from now on I won't trust what they say.

Unless I get another that says "you will have new clothes." That one was right.

I just did crunches and arm exercises. At one in the morning. What am I doing?

I haven't worked out for about a week b/c I had a four day backache and then went to DC. I was gonna run today but then got a really bad headache around 5 that didn't go away til around midnight.

Today my bed (aka my grandparents' old bed) got moved to school, and I set it up in a way that makes the room look bigger than it did the way the last tenant had it. I went through a decent amount of stuff and put some stuff away in temporary spots until I get completely moved in. I am pretty excited - the room is gonna look good however I set it up. I have pink sheets and a navy-on-one-side, light-blue-on-the-other comforter, plus a purple down comforter that I'll use in the winter. And I have nice white dressers and I am getting a white book case and I have stuff to put up on my walls and a cool desk to build and I am excited about all of it.

As I've said before, I'm excited to go back and start my life over. I've come to a lot of conclusions about what I want from life, friends, boys, and myself this summer and I'm excited to start using my newly gained knowledge to make my life better.

I am putting off going to bed so badly & I don't know why. I am just so excited to go back. I want to take piano lessons, and am considering getting a job, even though I don't want the extra responsibility, because I am gonna need cash.

Mostly everything else I would say here is pretty boring to anyone but myself, so I'll just end here.

My horroscope for today (from excite.com):

You're not one to simply rest on your laurels, no matter how comfortable it might be. That's especially true on a day like this one, when you're receiving all the messages the universe is sending and correctly interpreting every single one. The stars are telling you to create, produce, attempt and, above all, dare. Go above and beyond what you think is possible, and you might just see it become probable.

Yeah, I have been pretty on point today. And Friday night I had a dream that I took as a sign, and it makes me feel better about how things are. If they are meant to be a certain way, they will be that way.

Got back from DC at 11:30. What a great weekend. Got to see Zach and Josh's place plus party w/ law school peolpe. Plus Dusty and Joe are not human (more Dusty than Joe). So much fun.

GOING TO DC SOON!!!! :-D !!!!!!!!!

Also, Mr. Nice returns.

Dinner w/ Meghan, Sam, Tom, Meghan's friend from school, Frankie, Adrian and Sarah tonight. It was really fun. Then Coldstone. Very good, but very filling/I feel really fat. Then Pringles. It was a great dose of friends today. Plus I talked to Rachel for an hour, and she'll be back here this weekend, so hopefully I'll see her next week before I go back.

Also, DC THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it works out. My mom wasn't very happy cause I'm sleeping at Penn Thursday night and then going to DC Friday, and all this amidst trying to move back to school. BUT there are not gonna be many chances for me to go and plus Joe and Tully are going and it should be really fun (I hope I can get into wherever we go...). I am so excited!!!

So the move back to school has been pushed back, since I realized no one is going to be there, and I don't want to be stuck in a hot house without internet for too long. I'll probably go back Sunday or Monday now, which is fine because it gives me more time to get my shit together.

Today my mom and I ran around to a shoe place, the supermarket, the laundromat, the dollar store, the bagel store, and I can't remember where else. Not particularly exciting, but I did get some fun stuff from the dollar store.

I just have to say that all the 16 - 18 year olds running around in scantily clad clothing and tons of makeup look so young to me. They just look like little babies trying to act like adults. It's creepy.

Family members are easier to get along with when you don't live with them.

Exhibit A: My grandparents. I love visiting them now. They are always so happy to see me and my grandmother is so cute! When I lived with them they drove me crazy. Now, when they do something crazy, my mom and I will shoot each other looks but know that we can leave, so it's bearable.

Exhibit B: My mom. When I am away at school I talk to her 10 times a day by phone, and sometimes on AIM also. We have a really close relationship, and only fight occasionally. When I am at home (aka this summer) we fight more often than not, and everything she does (esp. this summer, maybe it wasn't as bad last summer, or I just don't remember), including talking, singing, etc. drives me up the wall to the point where I want to run away screaming.

She's not driving me nuts now, but I'm sure we'll fight today. At least I know I'll be leaving soon.

Ahhh.

I got up this morning in a foul mood, because after getting up to go to the bathroom, I tried to fall back asleep but was instead plagued by thoughts of how small my room is going to be at school. I want a full bed, but I don't see how it's possible to fit that plus a dresser and a half, a desk, and a chair. This sucks. I wish I had gotten to live in Stacey's house sophomore year. I am pissed I'm gonna have to move every fucking year of college.

Yesterday was my last day of work, aside from Sept 1st and 2nd when I go in for 5 hours both days to sit at the phones, aka get paid to do nothing.

I sometimes really don't feel like blogging. Today is one of those days.

Musings from my train ride home

One more day of work. I can't wait to go back to school.

Listening to Ours - Dizzy. Good song, slow & mellow & so appropriate for Joey on Dawson's Creek to look out of a window on a rainy day, pondering the meaning of her relationship with Dawson (this is probably an outdated metaphor at this point, but I don't care).

***

I figured out what I want. Part of it involves my "Greatest Theory in the Whole World" that I devised in Newport. I want to not hook up with people I don't know, and I don't want to hook up with someone because I'm lonely or because I'm not fully mentally capable of making good decisions, for whatever reason.

I also want romance. I want that knight in shining armor to whisk me off my feet and treat me like a lady.

***

Whenever I'm on the train and another train passes by, I always look to see if any of the people in the other train are looking back. They never are. I wonder if I am the only person who does this. I just think it would be cool to lock eyes for a second with a person I will most likely never see again. It would be an interesting connection.

Connections are cool. I realize what a lame and non-descript sentence that was, but how can I explain it? One of my favorites, which I haven't experienced since high school, is when you look into the eyes of another person on stage as both of you are immersed in being someone else. Some people are always immersed in being someone else. Ok, this makes no sense.

I do believe that eyes are the windows to the soul. They are so expressive.

***

I like knowing people. I don't mean just "knowing" people, as in having lots of acquaintences. I mean knowing someone. I mean being able to tell what they are thinking without them saying a word, or knowing what they'd do in a given situation. I love the familiarity of some people - the way I know how they'll respond to a joke, and that I can tell how funny something is to t hem by whether or not they rub their hands together.

That's what I want more of.

Apparently I met Johnny Damon while I was in Newport, but I had no idea who he was!! Story may follow, but it's not really that interesting.

Apparently I met Johnny Damon while I was in Newport, but I had no idea who he was!! Story may follow, but it's not really that interesting.

Sometimes I t hink that when it's raining it means that God is crying with me. But I am not crying. I just had two awesome days, and nothing will change that, so for that I am smiling. I think this rain doesn't revolve around me (this time!). Whoever out there thinks this rain is for them, I hope their day gets sunnier, even if it's only metaphorically.

---

My mom told me about a Dr. Phil show in which Dr. Phil said to a man that if every time his wife interacted with him she felt better (about herself), then he would have a happy marriage.

I pretty much always leave him feeling better about myself after interacting with him. When he tells me I'm beautiful...I actually believe him, or, if I don't feel particularly beautiful, I believe he is being genuine.

I want someone that always makes me feel like that.

I can't spend time kicking myself for things that happened last year. I just have to accept that I did pretty much everything wrong and move on to doing things right.

Maybe it will be easier for me without him there. It just doesn't feel like it...

Furthermore, I decided why I'm mad at him. It's for a totally invalid reason. I mean, not totally, based on my circumstances in life, but really not a reason to be mad at him.

I feel like he abandoned me by going away, and now he's just off doing his own thing...now I know what it's like to be left behind. I don't even want to talk to him, and that's dumb.

I don't really understand the saying about somebody "waking up on the wrong side of the bed." Which side is it? Left or right? Whatever side it is, that is the side I got off this morning. I was left with a risidual crabby mood from last night, and carried it with me all the way to work today. When I got to work I was exhausted, partly from my runs the past two nights, partly from getting about 6 hours of sleep for the past 3 or 4 days, and partly from being angry. I quickly remedied it with my first of two cups of coffee (I don't drink coffee), and my mood improved somewhat, as I can't really walk around the office dragging my feet and sulking. I wasn't my usual peppy self, greeting people I passed with a less than half-assed smile, or just completely avoiding eye contact all together.

I cheered myself up at lunch by (this is so dumb) going to Douglas and putting makeup on. My mom got on my case last night about how much money I spend on makeup, so I figured maybe I can just go to Douglas every day and put on the really nice makeup for free. I bet they'd catch on sooner or later, though. I got back and wasted almost an hour on craigslist, etc. etc.

My foul mood came back on my way home, and I can't really explain why. All I can say is if you had tried to talk to me, I would have punched you in the face. I got on the train and turned the volume up on my ipod to drown out all the other idiots on the train. As I was sitting under my raining cloud, some woman came to my seat and wanted to sit down. I started to move over, and she said "I'd like to sit in the middle" (she knew the guy I was sitting next to, apparently). With a huge roll of my eyes and an "ok" full of more attitude than that bitchy woman from the Donald Trump reality show I got up and she sat in the middle. I sat there fuming about how she dind't ask politely enough, wanting to smack her.

I got off the train, took a couple deep breaths, and asked the powers that be to just let me not talk much to my mom, and to not show any facial expression. Somehow, thankfully, the powers that be listened, and I was, for the most part, cured of my bad mood (thank you for that).

But I still want out. I can't wait to go back to school. I'm getting my credit card bills mailed to me at school from now on. I'm not bothering my mom about money and I'm not owing her shit. Fuck that.

I started writing this yesterday, before I got a phone call. Then I stopped:

A lot of times when I get in the mood to write a good, long, deep post it seems more like a chore to me than anything else. I want it to be so good that I almost paralyze myself, in a way. I put it off, because...well I don't fully understand why. It's the same with work, sort of. I mean school work. Part of it is simply that I dread doing it, for whatever reason.

(That's it)
........

As I was saying...
School work really isn't as bad as I always anticipate it to be. I just put it off so long, and the longer I put it off the worse it actually gets. Blogging never actually gets worse, it just gets harder and harder to catch up with all the things I've been meaning to blog, so I just don't do it at all.

I've been doing my fair share recently, though.

---

I ran 3 miles again tonight, and I am about to go do crunches. The run was less vigorous than last night's, prob cause my body was a little tired. I also started two loads of laundry. Only 3 more to go.

Speaking of countdowns, which I admittedly used to DESPISE, here are some that make me quite happy:

7 more days of work,

Two and a half weeks until I move back to school and out of this madhouse,

22 days until OTB starts up again, and

Two days until I find out whether I got the internship I applied for.

I had an interview today for the internship with two of the people from there. The guy, Mark, knew of OTB and had heard us on Y100 and said we're "fucking awesome." If nothing else, that's pretty awesome. I mean, these are the people who are involved in the Grammys.

Oh, plus this:

i Hope 216: the group is gonna be soo different this year
gigantorwong: i know..
gigantorwong: in fact almost everyone is pretty laid back now
gigantorwong: sorta.. actually nvm
i Hope 216: HAAAAAAAA
gigantorwong: i was like imagining people.. and was like.. oh yeah.

Oh OTB. I miss you. I miss school. I miss...I dunno, some more stuff I'm sure.

Also, I've recently decided that I'm no longer a "dude" (aka just one of the guys). I am one of those girls who is fine just hanging with dudes, but I am still a girl. Yep.

Date: Wednesday, August 10, 2005
From: Beetlebum
To: The Powers That Be
Subject: Please. Give me break.

---

Dear Powers That Be,

I implore you to please give me a break. I beg either one of the following:

Option A. Please make this the last time I ever live at home alone with my mom. Ever. Please. We are at each others' throats almost constantly. We have a better over-the-phone relationship than an in person relationship. I never want to live at home with her again, and I mean that. I simply cannot take her anymore, nor can she take me. I can't stand her lectures that last all night. Every time she comes up with a point that she wants to make, she'll come back from her two minute break and tell her point to me....for half an hour. She is simply driving me crazy and that's all there is to it. So please, I beg of you, let this be the last summer I have to live here and deal with this, or I may do something crazy.

If Option A does not suit you, please consider Option B:

Option B. Please let this madness stop. Let both of us just get along. Let her idiosyncrasies stop getting on my nerves, and let her stop being so harsh on me. Please make her stop telling me that I'm a bitch to her, and basically that I'm just a bad person. Please please make it stop. I cannot take it anymore.

If neither of these suit you, then at a very minimum I ask you to give me the ability to just stop talking to her for the most part. I don't mean give her the silent treatment, but to stop telling her anything remotely important or anything that could even potentially spark another one of these arguments. They just get worse and more frustrating each time we have them, which is almost daily at this point. Please give me the patience to handle the next two and a half weeks here. I just need to be able to bite my tongue, not make any facial expressions, and instead of listening to what she says, pretend it's one of the adults on Charlie Brown, where they just go "wah wah wah wah, wah wah wah" instead of saying real words. That ought to do it.

So, in conclusion, as Larry says "Please. Give me break."

Thanks for your time,

Beetlebum

I just ran 3 miles and then walked some. And I did arm exercises, and at some point I'll do crunches.

The sky was doing such pretty things on my train ride home today, and everything was so bright even though it was cloudy. I wasn't even upset when it rained this morning. It's just Philly, that's what it does. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you get over it and see the beauty in the rain.

Back from Newport. Will blog more later (why am I up right now? I have to get up in less than 6 hours). At this point I don't even care how late I am up, I have less than two weeks of work left. 9 days, to be exact. I AM SO EXCITED TO BE DONE!!!

Things from Newport:

~ Mental clarity at its best
~ Beach = sunny every day (as per my prediction - every day I'd "predict" sun, and it worked!) except the last day when it was only partly sunny
~ Fought w/ mom, got along about 40 - 50% of the time (?)
~ etc.

Ok, bed.

Anddddddddd then my family was insane.

I've decided I need to be more selective of who I tell private things about myself. I am generally an open person, and I've realized that I tell too many people things about myself that should be kept private.

---

Today I maintain my belief that I'm psychic.

Today I learned that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket, aka I shouldn't get my hopes up too much, lest I am disappointed.

I am trying to convince myself that Newport will be the best thing for me right now. I need to get away. Maybe I can view it as a run away...something I wish I could do for a whole semester, not just a week. I wish I was going abroad, of course to learn Spanish, but also to run away from everything and everyone here. Somehow I think that would solve all my problems. I could go away and "find myself" and change and grow, come back a completely different, better person, and all the problems I left behind would be dissolved by the time I got back. That is how I envision going abroad. But...I am not going. I will go back and face my problems head on. I hope I don't get crushed.

Right now I feel like crying.

(post secret)

I wish I could say the same.

Frankie put a link to this website in her blog. It's pretty cool.

---

When I read things that are so well written it inspires me to write. I miss the times when I felt like my thoughts just flowed through my fingertips and landed crisply and neatly on the paper or the screen. When I look back at what I wrote my senior year in high school for my autobiography class...I wish I could write like that again. I bet I have it in me somewhere, and it's just taken a back seat to everything else that takes over when you grow up and live in the "Real World," whatever that is.

The Real World. No, not the TV show. The application I just filled out for an internship this fall. The job I will get up at 7:30 for tomorrow morning. Not even. Those aren't even really the Real World. I'd like to postpone it as long as I can - all the responsibility scares me.

I think asking questions, even if it does cause doubt, doesn't separate the reader from the writer. It makes the reader understand the inner workings of the writer, makes the writer more real than if he or she just made statements the entire time. Who wants to read only statements? There's no variety in that. Plus, you can always do rhetorical questions like the one I just did two sentences back.

When I get in the mood to write, I always think that if I stay in that mood long enough I will discover the meaning of life. I used to call it my squinty-eyed mood (Sept 3 & 10), I won't go into why.

I keep thinking to myself that one day I will sit here and it will all pour out - everything I've been wanting to say for the past few years. I keep thinking that every bit of creative energy inside me will converge and create some sort of supernova and I will be able to express myself in the way I wish I could. I want people to read what I write and have the feeling I have right now. I want something I write to make someone look deeper inside, to reconsider everything, to come to new conclusions about life. Because writing is powerful like that. It's a powerful tool (and a powerful weapon) if you know how to use it.

Though I wouldn't agree that the pen is mightier than the sword. Unless your pen has a hidden knife in it or something.

Some foods for thought:

Recently I've been looking at tattoos in a completely different way from how I use to look at them. I used to look at some and think they were cool. I used to consider tattoos on guys, when they weren't trashy and all over the place, etc., to be hot. Now I look at them, and I may like them for about two minutes, before I picture the person 50 years older with saggy, wrinkly skin and a fading tattoo. Not exactly the picture of glamour. But more often than not, I look at most tattoos and think "what are their kids going to think?" Probably their kids won't care...but I think that people who have tattoos all over, or in really blatantly obvious people...well, they're not the kind of people I'd want to marry. I'm not saying I think everyone who has a tattoo is trashy, or that I wouldn't be friends with someone who had tattoos (even the implication of not being friends w/ someone b/c of tattoos is funny to me), but I am saying I don't think I'd want to marry and have kids with someone who had one.

Also, I am really hyper.

I made myself a coffee at work today and was about to put more sugar in it when I put the cup down the wrong way and it spilled everywhere. Well, almost everywhere. The one place it didn't spill was the one place I would have been upset about: my white (with a little black) skirt. It did get on my feet and the counter and the floor, but that was really no biggie. I took that as a sign that someone somewhere didn't want me drinking coffee, though, so I didn't go back and get more. I was sad, though, because it was the second to last Belgian Chocolate Nut coffee thing in the kitchen.

Absolutely great great weekend, OTB goes to the beach was an awesome time!!!! The CD is AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

ANDD I got to watch the last two stages of the tour, instead of just reading about them on cyclingnews! YEAH LANCE!!! I am excited to see who will win next year.

"I hope that you're the one
If not, you are the prototype."

---

Tomorrow is the mini OTB reunion! I am soooo excited!! Also I can't WAIT to hear the new CD!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!! :-D

I am honing in on my psychic skills:

- I had a dream about Tom Boonen the night before he dropped out of the tour

- I had a dream about a rainbow and the next day I was on the beach in the showers outside and I saw a rainbow in the water

- Yesterday I was thinking of a song that reminded me of my dad and my mom thinks she saw him today.

- Yesterday my mom and I were talking about somebody and right then that person called me.

---

We had Chinese food tonight, and my fortune cookie said "Now is the time to try something new."

I will try being psychic.