Oh MAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

What is GOING ON?!?

That's all. I got 2 hours of sleep last night and 5 the night before. Now I'm taking a nap.

This show is sad. I'm pretty sure it's Average Joe. The hot guys came and all the "Average Joe" guys started to feel all bad about themselves. It's kind of depressing.

When I get back to school I have to post my New Years resolutions.

Here's one I'm adding to them:

Get a fucking grip.

I need to learn some self control, and now. I've just decided. I am in control of things at all times. This is the truth. If I don't want to eat something, I don't have to. Don't want to do something? Don't have to. I control that shit. If I'm tired, I'll go to bed. Not fuck around for three hours, then do my homework, then go to bed. I need to settle down and do my work and THEN waste time, not the other way around. If I'm wasting time, it should be at the gym.

* * * * *

Tonight was a nostalgic night. I watched a little bit of the video of my graduation. I mostly laughed, because they taped what went on right before and right after, and it was funny...it was just the camera guy sticking the camera in everyone's face, and them looking at it extremely awkwardly. Then I watched pieces and parts of my high school's production of Patience.

I've decided two things. First, I'm really critical of myself. I don't think I look good enough, and when I was watching Patience I just kept thinking how I could've sang better and acted better.
The other thing I decided is that I need to be better at everything.

Tonight my mom and I watched Down With Love. It was pretty corny at the end, but overall it was a funny movie.

I don't want to live like this

I don't know how to fix it.

I don't need this. Seriously. If nothing else, you taught me a lot about guys, but I had enough from you. I can't take any more (and no, Jamie, this is not about you).

I can't build my life like this. I have to feel good all of the time, not just when something interesting happens. It has to be based on me.

Off to the gym.

I don't think I ever wrote about how I did 4 miles on the EFX for 45 min plus lots of crunches and ab stuff.

Well, tonight I went 2 miles in 30 min, cause my back hurts. It hurts more after I worked out. I also did weights but no crunches, which is a good thing cause I wouldn't be able to move if I had.

Back to work. Curse my procrastination.

Solo auditions were today, and...

I got a solo!!!

WOOO HOOO!

I got No Doubt - It's My Life.

Every girl got a solo, and I'm soo excited!!

I've now been to all my classes.

Spanish is gonna be so hard!! My teacher seems really nice (as opposed to the last one who was a bitch), but he speaks a lot faster, and kind of slurs his words together. Plus, he only speaks in spanish and only allows spanish to be spoken. And he said to expect four hours of homework a week. AHH!

I hope drawing will be fun. I went to the art supply store around 20th and Chestnut St. right after class to get all my supplies. We need a lot of shit, man. I couldn't tell much from the woman who's teaching...she seems like she might be kinda boring.

Legal studies has the potential to be really boring. I did some of the reading, and it was sleep-inducing. The teacher seems nice, though.

My writing course seems like it could be fun. The teacher seems really nice (she's a third year grad student, so she's young). She seems interesting, and really nice. Plus, we'll watch and discuss The Matrix later on!

And now, time to go read more about law and then to bed (early!) around 2....I hope.

I almost forgot! I went to the gym w/ Adriana. I did the EFX for 40 min including cooldown (I was DEAD by the end) the row, the dip assist, bicep curls, chest press, crunches on the decline, side crunches on the back extender thing, and a few stomach exercises on the captain's chair thing.

Also, songpicking = death.

It's fun when you realize you've pretty much been renounced by two of your past friends. Thanks, guys.

But then it's a lot easier to say "fuck you" and move on, in a way.

We had songpicking from 5 p.m. till about 15 min ago. I need bed now.

The other day I accidentally called school "home" in front of my family. Whoops.

This

Turn your life around if you've been meaning to do it for a while. The stars support you in whatever new routine you choose to embrace. Organize your desk by a system of logic that you'll remember the next time you're in a hurry. Start a diet with the conviction to stand by it this time until you see some real results. Maybe you find the courage and focus to address a medical condition that you were avoiding. There's only one of you, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be as healthy and comfortable as you possibly can.

plus this:

You are what you eat.

really make me think I need to do a good job on my goal to lose 10 lbs.

Tonight was good. I went to Jamie's to see how he was after his knee surgery. He was doing alright. I watched the second half of Bend It Like Beckham with him and his family. Then we hung out in his room for a little bit.

I did my first impromptu stop at the Pringles and found Rachel, Kat, and Sue. It was nice to see all of them, and we sat and talked until I decided that I was way past (my very extremely rediculously early) curfew. My mom wanted me to be home by 11 cause it's a work night. But it was my last day of work today and the last thing I wanna do is be home early and go to bed early.

I have to get myself ready to go back to school, including getting back on a college sleeping schedule. It also includes some serious packing of EVERYTHING that's been sitting out in my room.

Do you ever do six loads of laundry, have one more (light load) left, and realize you forgot to wash a few tiny pieces of clothing in your dark load? Well I did. I noticed that today, and I remember thinking to myself "it feels like I'm missing something" when I did my dark load.

I almost got in an accident when I was driving tonight. It was the closest I ever came, and you wanna know what happened? I was in a parking lot and I stepped on the gas while I was futzing around with something, and nearly crashed into a barrier.

Note to self: don't forget CTRL-ALT-DEL. The virus was called av. Also, find and delete: B.EXE , BBB.EXE, AV.EXE, AND REGEDIT.EXE

Third time I've fallen for those stupid profile viruses. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

They refuse to post my psych grade, no matter what. I've gotten my chem lab grade now. I did ok. I was expecting better, but it's not as bad as lecture.

Tomorrow is my last day at work, and I am SO EXCITED!!

I am somewhat reluctant to go back to school. Perhaps it's the fact that I enjoy not using my brain (straining my brain muscle...Mrs. Hillinck would kill me...). I think I'm nervous about the friends situation there. You couldn't pry me away from there, but now there's something - some sort of nervousness - about going back. Hopefully I'll get over that soon.

Jamie is having knee surgery tomorrow.....good luck James! You'll be fine :-D

So all our grades were supposed to be posted today. AND THEY'RE NOT! I just want to know how I did in chem lab and psych. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

You couldn't have pulled me down earlier if you tried.

Except for when I had to listen to the two women on the other side of my cubicle have the most mundane, stupid, boring, POINTLESS conversation in the world. For 20 minutes. It was about shower curtains, and how "you can't fight the color of the tiles." At first I was ready to burst, and then it started to remind me of Delicious Dish from SNL. And then I had a nice chuckle.

I wanna spin and jump rope and skip it like I'm five before I go back to being ON MY OWN AGAIN. I'm not sure if I'm excited to go back, or not. I'm mixed.

On the one hand, I'll be on my own again. It'll be so nice to make my own rules again. Eat when I want, come and go when I want (aside from classes). No curfew. Etc. Plus the gym there is fucking awesome, and close to my dorm. Also, I won't have to get up as early as I am now for work. It'll be nice to be around my peers again. OOH! And my pretty computer, plus ethernet. No more dial up.

On the other hand, it's so nice being here with people I can hug and be close with and who know me well. It's nice being with Jamie. It's nice having REAL food, especially my grandmother's homecooked meals. It's nice not having classes. It's also nice having the use of a car. I'm gonna miss home (even though it took some time to adjust).

Alas.

I wrote this on the train home tonight:

I can't exactly describe the feeling of listening to this music, but I can try. It's the squinty-eyed feeling I've spoken of before. Yes, it's weird music, but it speaks to me. Suddenly, the dark shadows of the trees against the midnight-blue sky have a new meaning. It makes me want to look into people's souls. Read their minds, and connect with them. I love the movie effect it gives, too. I know I've written about it before, but I can't help it. There is no outside noise - just people and their thoughts and actions.

I want to know why. I want to know the small "whys", like why that man over there looks like he wants nothing to do with that woman leaning her head on his shoulder. Maybe he just lost his job. Or his mom. Or they have a bad relationship. All I can do is wonder. Perhaps I'll do one of my rambles if I get around to it. I want to know more universal "whys", like why women want men who treat them badly, and why everything can't be beautiful and floaty and quiet and soft all the time. Like why there has to be harshness of any kind. And why that man over there just picked his nose. Someone's almost always watching you, especially in public places.

And the mood is broken by a phone call.

Um....my blog's doing it again. I try to view my blog, and it goes to blogger instead. WTF?

What I learned tonight from reading over old posts involves time:

1. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds.

2. Time does not dictate the strength of feelings.

"I think I would have to know someone for at least a year to be in love with them, or to admit that I was in love with them, or to even say it."

I said that. I ate those words a while ago.

Found this in my other blog:

Everyone shines, some just shine brighter than others. Some shine brightly and burn out quickly, some glimmer for a long time, some are dull and their light grows stronger and stronger. Like stars.

I think every day I will go back and read old posts from that day last year, to see how things have changed. Although sometimes I get impatiend and want to read ahead.

Last year I was still shopping like a nut. Recently I've bought new shoes from DSW (sneaker-heels and black boots), clothes from H&M (shirts), stuff from Target (a $7.50 winter coat & some other stuff), Joyce Leslie, and Wet Seal. Pretty good if you ask me. Next on my list is Walgreens, where they have lip glide on sale, buy one get one free, cause I lost the one I had.

Funny how some things don't change. Hindsight's a funny little fuck.

In 2003, I...

...knew what it was like to be in love.
...spent 17 hours in the ER with my mom.
...travelled to Disney World for the third time in my life
...celebrated my birthday on the same day as someone very close to me
...lived away from home for the first time in my life...and liked it...a lot
...had the longest relationship of my life
...graduated from high school
...got my first real, paying job
...wrote four chapters of my autobiography
...became a legal adult...but felt few of the perks (you have to be 21!)
...got into Penn
...got into Off The Beat
...became detached from my friends

And much more.

But now I'm off reading old posts, reminiscing. I'll probably edit this post when I come up w/ more stuff I've done in the past year.

Why is it going to blogger when I try to view my blog??

My family and I had an interesting conversation about forgiveness (and forgiving vs. forgetting) tonight during dinner. My mom said that forgiveness is for a person who was wronged to be able to be at peace with what happened to them. It doesn't mean that what happened to them wasn't wrong, or that they think it's ok, or that they won't be wary of the offender in the future, but they forgive so that they don't have to carry the burden of bitterness or anger with them. My mom believes in what she calls a "Divine forgiveness," meaning that only God can forgive a person so that they are pardoned.

My grandmother disagrees. My grandmother believes that it is only up to the person wronged to do the forgiving, that God can't forgive someone for a wrong they haven't committed against God. My grandmother even said my mom was wrong...to my mom.

I told her that since it's just an opinion, no one can be wrong. That unless she can prove that she's right, that's all it is - an opinion - and no one is right or wrong.

I agree with what my mom said about forgiveness. You feel so much lighter when you forgive someone, because you no longer have to be weighed down by feelings of negativity.

The difference between my mom's and my grandmother's views on it is that my grandmother views forgiveness as forgetting also, whereas my mom doesn't.

I brought up someone who hurt me when I was 9. My grandmother asked if I'd forgiven him, and I said no. It's the truth. Because when I think of that bastard, I hate him. I want justice to be enacted upon him in a similar manner to what happened to me.

But those feelings are not healty. Forgiving him would only be for me. I'm not yet ready to let go of those feelings, however.

I can't tell which is more real: my life at college, or my life here. Which reality more resembles life as I should expect it? Life at home, where I am with my family, where I (for the time being) have a job and have to get to bed at a semi-decent time? Life at home where I have a curfew and my mom pays for mostly everything, and I come home to food on my table, without having lifted a finger? Or life at school, where I decide when I come and go, and where, with whom and for how long? Life at school, where I am away from my family, have to go to a dining hall for food, and have to do my own shopping? Life at school where I stay up till dawn and sleep past noon, and have school work instead of a paying job?

I guess it's a combination of these two that I should expect. Unfortunately, it's not a combination of the best parts of the two. Real life is not staying up till whenever you want, sleeping in, having everything paid for you, your food prepared for you, no responsibilities other than taking care of yourself, having your mom's car, and the ability to come and go as you please.

Real life is paying your way. Buying a car and a house, buying and preparing food for yourself, having more responsibilities than you'd care to have, and getting to bed at a reasonable time.

This is the real world, at least for me.

In 2003, I...

I felt like I was in a movie listening to that music. Turned up loud enough that I couldn't hear anything else, everyone moved, ate, and spoke silently, as if they were on mute. And I watched, a casual observer, from my seat. Also silent, on mute.

Letting go is so hard. I've tried so many times. It's like there's some truth I have to realize before it can happen, but what? I admit that I was hurt. That I am hurt. There. Is that it? Can I let go now, and never care again? I'm so much like what I criticized someone for. "All or nothing." And why he couldn't just give me part of him. Half, maybe. But here I am, being a hypocrite, yet again. Everyone's a hypocrite, though. Even you.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you just need your mommy?

I got 4 1/2 hours of sleep on New Years (more about it later). I came home and took a 3 hour nap, went to Jamie's for dinner. More about that later too. I got home and at midnight I saw that I had a splinter. I went to take it out, but I couldn't get it. I get really upset by splinters, b/c they're so frustrating, & painful, & I'm always afraid they just won't come out. So I started to get really upset. After half an hour of the combined efforts of my mom and me, my mom managed to get it out. It wasn't even wood...it looked like a thin shard of metal. And then I cried. I definitely needed my mommy. And now I need bed. I always get really upset about tiny things like that.

I was gonna post my New Years goals, but that'll have to wait till tomorrow too.

Damn splinter. It's all your fault. I wanted to be sleeping right now.