just skimmed over posts from the past seven augusts in my private blog. in the 4 minutes it took me to skim (very briefly) the posts, i can already tell i've grown up but can still see the threads of negativity and insecurity finely woven throughout. gotta get on that, self. no point in wasting time being insecure, you'll regret it a year later.

last night i dreamt i was at a tropical resort (similar to punta cana) with my cousins and their friends. in my dream i dreamt that i was sailing. there was more, but i can't remember. i recall being in a beautiful pool and the ocean.

Something I need to remind myself of when I'm stressed: I'm a professional problem solver. I get paid for it. I can find solutions to problems.

...Usually. Why is it that so often I can't find solutions to my own problems?

Regardless, I figured out a way to hide Shadow's litter box (and possibly a big cat tower) from sight in my new apartment with Becky.

I wish I were a hippie.

I have a preconceived notion of who and what a hippie is: someone who is relaxed, mellow, not worried about the every day stresses. Someone who doesn't wake up with horrible chest-crushing anxiety, racking their brains wondering what exactly it is they need to be worrying about today. I think my notion of "hippie" is really just my ideal state, the state of being I envy and admire in others. It's a stress-free state, but, more than that, it is a state of being at peace with the world and how things are in it. Along with this comes the whole idea of being "low maintenance". It is a characteristic I know I don't exemplify but wish I did, yet I do little to initiate a change. "Hippies", as I imagine them, need very little in life to survive. They don't rely on material goods, they don't need tons of furniture or clothes or makeup or shoes to survive and actually enjoy life. They are ok with where they are, secure in it, and if they're not they change it. But in making a change they don't ruin the experience by worrying about every little thing that could go wrong, every potential snag in the road. "Hippies" just deal with it. They take things as they come.

Maybe it's some kind of zen feeling I'm looking for. Maybe I need to start practicing Buddhism, start meditating. I need to find my inner zen, the peace I have been searching for for so long. I feel that if I don't find this peace, I am going to explode. I need to find my inner "hippie", if she exists, and I need to do it soon. So I guess what I mean is, I wish I knew how to become a hippie.