I feel a lot of things. So many mixed emotions and thoughts.

I prepared part of this blog post on my way home from the gym, but really all it was was random thoughts running through my head:

I'm so sad. I'm sadder than the average person, because of everything that's happened in my life. I have to accept that I've had more hardships than most. I will be sadder than most. That's just how it is.

As I type this I just received an email from my aunt. I can't even get into it. Back to what I was saying.

I had an interview today, and another last Thursday. It feels like I'm making progess on the job front.

But Nate and I have been broken up for a month and I miss him (the good parts). I feel like I will be alone forever. Like no other guy I'd possibly be interested has so much as looked at me since Nate. He was at work today. I heard his voice first. Then I was in the kitchen and saw him go by. We both pretended we didn't see each other, though at one point we made extremely brief eye contact. In my messed up fairy-tale world that will never exist, he will be at work one day, we will lock eyes, and he will gaze at me with a sad and remorseful puppy dog look. He'll call me later, say he's sorry for acting so immature and being a jerk and that things are going to be different. And then we will be happy. I know it won't happen. But it makes me so sad that it won't.

It makes me so sad that huge pieces of what I want and feel I need in my life are missing. But then I feel like I just need to get over it, fake it til I make it, and act happy even if I'm not, because maybe eventually I will be. I don't know.

I think I'm going to start blogging again, though, bc I'm sure other people don't want to hear about my depressing or stupid feelings all the time.

I cried during yoga. During the end of yoga, when you lay down in corpse pose, the position I usually love. I cried. Tears slowly leaked out of the corners of my eyes and rolled down the sides of my temples. It stunk.