i'm really not flexible.

i don't mean physically. physically i am pretty flexible. i can touch my toes. i used to be able to do splits and touch my toes so far that my nose touched my knees. i'm not that good anymore, but i still got it.

what i mean is i'm not very good at the whole "go with the flow" thing. i'm not good at adapting to changes in plans. when i make a plan with someone, or make a plan up in my mind, i want to stick to it.

i think mellow people intrigue me so much because i am so not mellow in general that i envy them, yet at the same time they are an enigma to me. the whole blase, whatever attitude is something i wish i could capture, at least in part. i really think it would help me.

my grandmother has told me before that i'm rigid, just like my mother. of course, she told me this while we were having some sort of small fight so it just fueled my anger, but she's totally right. my mom did not teach me to be relaxed and roll with the punches. does this come from a desire to be controlling? or is it part of having anxiety? i can't figure it out. all i know is that if i could just have a little more of allyn miner's spirit i would be very well off.