dinner at my cousins' tonight. very yummy - steak, potato, salad, apple pie baked by jenny and ice cream. yum. i guess i thought i would get to release some stress there (read: cry, possibly) but didn't as much as i'd hoped so then i did that when i got home. fun. sick of feeling this way.

my aunt got me two cool velour things for channukah. one's a really pretty dress that i'm def wearing for new years, the other a pretty jacket. very pretty.

the thought i keep having lately, whenever i buy something, is at least i have a lot of stuff. followed by the thought that my stuff does not keep me warm at night, nor does it keep me company during the day.

i dunno, i feel better now. i feel like the feeling better is temporary, until i find a better solution.

to the people who know me: please come back and/or get better. i need you. if you are near me and you know me...thanks.

my mom managed to give me a channukah present. i don't think i will find someone who loves me as much as she does, ever.

i think depression has a selfish aspect. maybe that's not the right way to put it. but it definitely has a self-reflecting aspect that i find..i don't know what.

k, i should go to bed.