i know that when i feel like no one understands me and no one cares to try, and that no one really cares to see me enough to put in the effort i'm right but i'm also not right.

no one does understand me. how could they? how can my friends from high school, especially meghan because i guess i expect more from her, really fully sympathize with what i'm going through enough to know how hurt i was that they went to manayunk on friday night? what hurt even worse was that she really didn't try to convince me to come. a couple texts and that was it. really, i didn't want to go. it was too complicated and too much of a hassle and i hate feeling like a ride mooch, which i already was weds night/thurs morning. but still. and saturday came and went with not a single word from ANYONE to try to hang out with me. that was really cool, let me tell you. gee, i wonder why i sometimes feel like no one cares, or cares to try.

how can anyone even begin to realize that spending a day alone, not leaving my apartment at all, is more than just boring. it's a slap in the face of how alone i really am. deep down i really do feel that i am alone. it's just me. strip the other people away who aren't even there that often anyway, and it's me. there are people in my family i can lean on but they have their lives too and the distance and quantity of things they have to take care of really make it impossible for me to feel like i have any kind of strong support system when i need it most.

i know you're gonna think i mean this to you, but i don't really. moreso it's about my friends, or lack thereof.

fred says get a hobby, meet new people, and it really pisses me off because it's a lot harder than just saying oh, now i have a hobby and new friends. it's pretty fucking hard to meet people when you live by yourself downtown and you work a job with people who are almost all twice your age. yeah i go to the gym, and no i don't meet anyone there.

i know people care about me and maybe they are doing the best they can. i start to think that it can't be all of them being wrong and not caring. maybe i need too much. but rachel said i shouldn't feel like i need too much. i don't really know where i'm going with this and it's making me sad. and i should be asleep.

i guess i've just never wished so much that i could fast forward through a part of my life to where things were easier, to where i didn't feel sad almost every day, if not every day.

this is one of those posts that i read now and pray that in a year from now i'll read it again and think, wow i can't believe i was going through that. i'm so glad things are better now.

i didn't have to say what i was thankful for at thanksgiving dinner and to be honest, i'm thankful for that. i knew i wasn't going to be able to keep my composure. i kept my composure for a year, and i have almost completely lost the ability at this point. and my aunt got mad at me for petting tuffy, which i was only doing in the hopes that no one would see me crying. let me just tell you how cool it is for a girl who doesn't like to have other people see her cry to be unable to control her tears in front of 11 silent onlookers and one aunt who got up to give her a hug. really, really cool. and while i know i have things to be thankful for (on a superficial level, the fact that i could go out and blow a bunch of money on things i don't need and know that it was dumb but that i won't be starving because of it is one of them), i just couldn't bring myself to say what i am thankful for because it only reminds me of the gaping hole of what i am not thankful for.

she seemed a little better when i saw her on sunday.

last anecdote, then bed: at work one of the attorneys often talks to me on msn messenger. i told him how i don't think i kept passover last year. he basically told me that was lame and keeping passover or fasting/abstaining for lent or whatever else is a small price to pay for the glory of god. i kid you not, he said this. and i said it depends on what you think will make god happy. that was basically a challenge to him to have a theological debate with me, but he backed down. boy was i ready, though. first off, you can always be more religious than you are. so even if i keep passover but i do not observe the sabbath, nor do i keep kosher, how does that make me a good jew? then if i did keep the sabbath and observe kosher, but i didn't use two separate sets of dishes, then i'm not a good jew. the point is who is to say what is enough and what is not? maybe just my belief that there is a god is enough. the other part of my argument was going to be that even doing these things does not necessarily keep you in god's good graces, if god does exist (oook, i realize i'm getting too deep now). long story short i really doubt that if there is a god he/she/it/them/shim is just in any way, or that he (& co.) hears prayers. cause damn, if god heard prayers she'd be better by now.