I feel like a different person today than I was yesterday. Something happened last night. Maybe I am just reeling from that and will recover. I hope that is the case.

Last night I was very distraught about the state of my life and myself. I have a list of what's wrong with me running through my head and it's becoming unbearable. So much is weighing on me, about my personality, whether I am doomed to be a certain way because of either my genetics or my circumstances in life, etc. While my future remains completely uncertain with nothing bright to look forward to my friends are all getting jobs and figuring out their futures or potential futures. They have something to make plans for while I put off the things that scare me and tell myself what I believe to be true: that I can't even make plans for the things I want to do because I will have to be stuck in Philly for some unknown period of time. I feel like I am going to be abandoned when everyone moves away and it's just me here, alone. I feel very alone right now in a way that no one is able to solve right now, not even me.

I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy with myself and who I am. I just want something in my life to be certain, something regarding my future, other than that the sun will rise and set tomorrow like it will the day after that and the day after that. When do I get a break?

Last night was the second time this has happened, but this time it was worse. It was basically a culmination of things that had been building up for a few months, until I finally couldn't handle it anymore. It seems like lately I have two options for my state of mind. I can push everything troublesome out of my waking, conscious mind so I can function normally and seem/be happy, which leads me to have terrible nightmares every night (I know this because I have been doing it for the past few months), or I can sit around and feel the way I'm feeling now, with everything floating in circles through my head and me not knowing where to start to deal with any of it. I feel like I am being crushed by the weight of all these things. I feel that if I follow with the second option, which is really just dealing with everything, I will only be able to sit around and cry on and off all day.

If only that "easy" button from the Staples commercials was real. I would press it right now. EASY.