This is awful. I just weighed myself. Seriously, I haven't weighed this much since probably 8th or 9th grade (I was heavier then). I am on no regular schedule, not for eating, sleeping, or exercising. I'm sure this has something to do with it, but I am really starting to feel...bad about myself. I can't help it...towards the beginning of the year I definitely weighed less. I started gaining weight, but I made a New Year's resolution to lose it. And I was. I am now 8.5 pounds over my lowest weight this semester, and it feels like it may as well be a ton. I started exercising a ridiculous amount - almost every day for 1 - 2 hours. No luck. The only real luck I had was when I basically just ate as little as possible every day, and that SUCKS. I love eating, and I don't wanna give it up. It's just pretty hard b/c I have no self control. Plus, I haven't been to the gym since Friday and I'm probably not gonna get a chance to go all week. I just realized that probably my partying every weekend has something to do with it. I wish there was a way for me to be able to go out, have fun, and not get fatter. About a week ago I said "fuck it all..I don't care, I'm fine." And really, I was. For that short period of time I just stopped caring. It was a nice feeling. But I'm back to caring again. I'm not saying I'm fat, but I just look in the mirror and see the places where I've gained weight. I was skinny last year, which must have been because I lost a lot of weight from mono...but I wish there was some way to get back to that by being healthy and still enjoying myself.

So far, I haven't found it.

So there. There's my insecurity. Now you can think I'm telling you too much personal information about myself. Go ahead. Tell me it was depressing to you or that I seemed like I wanted to kill the world or whatever. Maybe I'm not careful enough with my personal thoughts and feelings. Or maybe I just don't think I should have to keep everything bottled up.

OR maybe this is my personal blog, in which I get to type anything I want without fear of you judging me about it.