i cried at work today.

oh, i guess it's been long enough since i've written in here that i didn't actually have a job last time. i started on the 25th of january or somewhere around there. i'm now in my 5th week. one of my coworkers, rich, is out for the week traveling for work. today, 2/22, which is typically a bad day, was a bad day. it's one of those days that is bad every year but i don't realize til halfway (or more) through that of course i'm having a bad day, it's 2/22. so it's not like i anticipate it being bad or set it up or anything. it just ends up sucking every time. i think i took my mom's unlucky numbers and they became my own.

so, like i said, one of my three coworkers is out for the week. that meant that the three of us that were there had it busier than normal. it also meant that i was on the help desk inbox, which i thought about last week but forgot about today, and which my boss reminded me of around 11:30 or so. there were already over 10 emails in there, half of which i didn't know what to do with, and every time i tried to look at them the phone rang. there were a few rude people i spoke with and a couple that were simply exasperating. around 3:30 or 4 i found out i messed up some tickets i'd done. i hadn't included some necessary info, and the company gets audted on these issues so they need to be done right. it's reversible and i will fix it tomorrow, but my boss has to run a report to find all the tickets i created for this issue and just the fact that i fucked up and all the calls and all the emails finally got to me and i got really overwhelmed. and i started to cry. which i hate doing in front of people. it's so embarrassing. omar, the one guy left, was really nice and understanding about it, but i just felt like such a jackass.

since then i've been in a pretty weird mood - half neutral and half depressed. feels pretty crappy. i'm going to bed.

i can't believe i cried at work. ugh.

Do you believe in "meant to be"? I don't. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I think if things are "meant to be" they will work out (sometimes with effort), and that some things are not meant to be, but I don't believe in predestined anything or fate or soul mates.

I still repeat the same mistakes. Will I spend my whole life repeating these mistakes, over and over? I do learn sometimes, but is my learning curve really fast enough?

It's amazing how we all live in the same world, yet can view things so differently.

I ran 6.1 miles today. Outside.

I am so proud of myself. Left the apartment at 4:26 figuring I'd last MAX 40 minutes but not expecting it to go even that well. It's cold out, I've never run in the cold, I haven't been running outside at all recently, and I've never run more than 5.4 miles. I started out at a slow pace, one I felt I could maintain the entire time. I ran to Broad and Bainbridge, down to Front, up to Chestnut, then to Market, then to JFK around 16th, up to 20th or so, then back to Market, up to 23rd, back to Bainbridge, then down to Broad and South. Google maps says that's 6.1 miles. I could have done the Kelly Drive loop!! Or run to Penn! I felt so great, like I could have kept going, but I told myself I'd run an hour or until I couldn't handle it anymore, whichever came first. So, after my hour, I walked a few blocks, came home, stretched, and did a few crunches (still sore from yesterday's crunches).

So happy. Also, so hungry.

I was talking to Ryan online and just started crying out of the blue. I'm so happy we are friends, and so sad about so much else. I'm literally sitting here bawling and I don't know why. Let this be my last good cry of 2009, let my tears wash away everything shitty that happened this year and let the new year usher in something better for me. Please.

I have decide to train for the Broad St Run in May (May 2nd). I also signed up yesterday for the Susan G. Komen Race For The Cure (May 9). Pretty excited about both.

Recap.

11/25: Night before Thanksgiving. Biggest going out night of the year. Rachel, Joe, Jeff, Laura, Steve H, and Matt came over. Beirut, then noche. Saw Jake there for like one minute. Played Jeff in one on one pool and WON!!!

11/26: Thanksgiving. Spent it with Rachel (K) and her family. Very nice dinner, lots of fun. Went to the outlets at midnight, actually left at 11:30 and got there around 1:30 am. Left around 3:30, back around 4:30, I didn't fall asleep til around 6 am.

11/27: Woke up at 10:30, thought I had a cold sore, Rachel's mom drove me to rite aid for some supplies, then I ended up falling asleep on the couch from noon til around 3 pm. Back downtown, gym, Time with Breton, Terry, Eric, Sloan and another friend of Breton's. Saw Jake for like one minute. Haha. Saw Becca. McGillins.

11/28: Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Naomi's. Met Dave and Alexia for a drink at Fado after dinner, we chilled at my place and watched an ep of curb, then I called it a night.

11/30: MEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @ The Troc w/ Breton. They were incredible!!! Really excellent, I knew there was a reason they're one of my fav bands.

12/1: IMOGEN HEAP!!!! @ TLA w/ Brendan. She was also incredible. Soo talented, cute and quirky.

12/2: Researched stuff for the nonprofit. Happy hour at ladder (aka a total bust) where Laura had a match date. Back to the apt w/ Laura, Jeff & Becky to watch Labyrinth. Good movie.

12/3: Fado/tavern w/ Brandon. Sooooo fun!!

12/4: Sent final long ass proposal with time estimates in to nonprofit. Total load off. Mad river with Alena and Mary, back to Mary's/Alena's for a small hangout party, back to my place and asleep around 5 am.

Today: jack shit. Nothing. Never left the apt. Don't even care. Did a 50 min yoga vid.

i do not have the patience or ability to stay calm in shitty situations.

i just went to the dentist for a goddamned fucking filling and spent 45 minutes trying to call my fucking insurance to see why they were saying i wasn't covered. oh? because my former employer told them to terminate my service as of sept 30th, but they just sent the order on nov 12th? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE FUCKING SENSE. are you goddamned fucking kidding me? and wait, I PAID MY FUCKING COBRA BILL AND THEY CASHED MY FUCKING CHECK ON OCTOBER 30TH. so, in short, i am paying for nothing. i am paying for some fucking assholes to take my money and provide me with 0 insurance and 100% hassle. thanks motherfucking assholes.

this literally ruined my day.

and, the elevator in my building is broken.

and, why did my dentist not TELL ME my insurance company said i wasn't covered YESTERDAY when they apparently called? i could have fucking called and taken care of it then and kept the goddamned appointment today.

fuck everyone.

i do not have the patience or ability to stay calm in shitty situations.

i just went to the dentist for a goddamned fucking filling and spent 45 minutes trying to call my fucking insurance to see why they were saying i wasn't covered. oh? because my former employer told them to terminate my service as of sept 30th, but they just sent the order on nov 12th? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE FUCKING SENSE. are you goddamned fucking kidding me? and wait, I PAID MY FUCKING COBRA BILL AND THEY CASHED MY FUCKING CHECK ON OCTOBER 30TH. so, in short, i am paying for nothing. i am paying for some fucking assholes to take my money and provide me with 0 insurance and 100% hassle. thanks motherfucking assholes.

this literally ruined my day.

My anxiety has been through the roof for about a week. Today I have a list of to do's, and I can barely breathe. I'm trying to take deep breaths from my stomach and tell myself I can do these things, but for some reason I feel panicky.

Dear Jason,

This is what I wanted to say today but didn't: I miss you. I think about you still, and I wish that you, more than anyone else, could have been there Saturday night. You could have only improved the experience, made it more full and rich. This is what I wanted to say today but didn't: there is no one else like you. I miss the way you look at things, your unique perspective and truly profound take on life. I want you in my life. Is it too much to ask for us to be friends?

Today I wondered, did I make a mistake? I know I will never find anyone like you. Does that make you right for me? Can I picture the rest of my life without you in it at all?

Sincerely? Yours? How do I even close this?

Me

So I haven't really had the desire to blog lately, but this weekend I think is worth a post. I'm at Brendan's watching SNF. Friday night Becky and my new buddy Alex and I played beirut, then went to tavern on broad and played pool. I sucked at pool. I got myself into a weird/bad mood after Alex left so I ended up going home.

Saturday I took it easy, played guitar hero, did laundry. Saturday night Alena, her friend Amy and I went to their friend Colin's place in jerz. It was truly amazing. There were three fires in the backyard, the kitchen had this amazingly ridiculous wallpaper, including huge flowers. It was great. Soooo fun.

That is all.

i am cold and sick and lonely and i just cried for an hour while watching ps i love you.

wrote that last night. i was a wreck. my temp went up to 103.1. Was 102.2 this morning. wee.

i have to start writing down the kinds of nights i have doing this recruiting job. they are amazing.

tonight i went to old city to sign forms, saw jared and jenna before their interview, went to a gym where i recruited a guy, talked to another guy who used to be 380 pounds who was intelligent and interesting and walked me to the next gym, talked to a dbag at a restaurant near the subway, recruited a guy from lucky strike and got asked out by his friend, went to mcgillins and met a nice jewish med student who is probs too short for me, met some penn kids who didn't believe me but then did after i played the name game (told them i'm crashing their party sat night), recruited a guy whose friend happens to be a penn guy i creepily knew and who creepily knew me (john, known through jordan from my frosh year), and hung out with eric e who i haven't seen in over a year. john, eric and i had a nice convo about religion and john walked me home. what a totally random and awesome night.

just skimmed over posts from the past seven augusts in my private blog. in the 4 minutes it took me to skim (very briefly) the posts, i can already tell i've grown up but can still see the threads of negativity and insecurity finely woven throughout. gotta get on that, self. no point in wasting time being insecure, you'll regret it a year later.

last night i dreamt i was at a tropical resort (similar to punta cana) with my cousins and their friends. in my dream i dreamt that i was sailing. there was more, but i can't remember. i recall being in a beautiful pool and the ocean.

Something I need to remind myself of when I'm stressed: I'm a professional problem solver. I get paid for it. I can find solutions to problems.

...Usually. Why is it that so often I can't find solutions to my own problems?

Regardless, I figured out a way to hide Shadow's litter box (and possibly a big cat tower) from sight in my new apartment with Becky.

I wish I were a hippie.

I have a preconceived notion of who and what a hippie is: someone who is relaxed, mellow, not worried about the every day stresses. Someone who doesn't wake up with horrible chest-crushing anxiety, racking their brains wondering what exactly it is they need to be worrying about today. I think my notion of "hippie" is really just my ideal state, the state of being I envy and admire in others. It's a stress-free state, but, more than that, it is a state of being at peace with the world and how things are in it. Along with this comes the whole idea of being "low maintenance". It is a characteristic I know I don't exemplify but wish I did, yet I do little to initiate a change. "Hippies", as I imagine them, need very little in life to survive. They don't rely on material goods, they don't need tons of furniture or clothes or makeup or shoes to survive and actually enjoy life. They are ok with where they are, secure in it, and if they're not they change it. But in making a change they don't ruin the experience by worrying about every little thing that could go wrong, every potential snag in the road. "Hippies" just deal with it. They take things as they come.

Maybe it's some kind of zen feeling I'm looking for. Maybe I need to start practicing Buddhism, start meditating. I need to find my inner zen, the peace I have been searching for for so long. I feel that if I don't find this peace, I am going to explode. I need to find my inner "hippie", if she exists, and I need to do it soon. So I guess what I mean is, I wish I knew how to become a hippie.

i can't cry. the most i can do now is tear up.

i talked to jason for the first time since we broke up (not counting when he brought me turtle and we spoke maybe 2 words each) last night on the phone for 2 hours and 39 minutes. he got a tattoo. it made me sad. not just the tat, plenty of other stuff. i teared up twice and did again today and looking at this tattoo it's just...a representation of changes he's made since we ended and realizations that he's had and ways that he's moving on and dealing and...it makes me sad.

but i can't cry. i'm too numb and it's scary. some part of me is trying to protect the rest of me.

everything fades to numb with me lately. i don't know that i'll ever sparkle bright again.

just got off the phone with jason, a 2 hour and 39 minute convo. the end made me sad. i just feel like he's done so much to better himself since we broke up and i have gone on a self-destructive binge that has only made me a worse person. he even got a tattoo. he's training for a half marathon. he realized his faults and has been working to correct them. i teared up twice but nothing fell, it did not "rain on my face" as rachel put it recently. because everything fades to numb with me lately.

honestly the only thing i am super ecstatic about is moving in with becky.